looking_up Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I hope you wouldn't pose nude to compete with her. That would be sad and desperate. Absolutely not. I don't think couples taking pictures is bad, but if he asked me to now it would creep me the hell out. He wouldn't anyway. He wasn't the one who took the ex pics - it was her friend. Link to comment
jettison Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I understand how you feel. If I suspected my current or one of my ex's while I was with them was jerking off to pics of their ex then it would throw me off. Still, I'd understand. Just because we love, admire, and adore someone does not mean that we suddenly lose all attraction to everyone else who has ever been in our life. I would think my girlfriend were a freak if she didn't harbor some kind of romantic/sexual thoughts about one or more of her ex's. It's just human nature. People find other people attractive, and when you have sexual history/chemistry/intimacy with someone then it is that much easier sometimes to picture that connection. Still, he is not with her, and there's a reason for that. And he is with you, and there's a reason for that as well. Pics on his computer are a fantasy. You may not like, enjoy, or empathize with his fantasy, but that's all it is unless proven otherwise. And if it wasn't this woman it would be someone else. You can prevent a person from fantasizing about someone who isn't their mate. It's natural to fantasize. And in fact, trying to prevent a person from doing so will likely have the opposite effect to what is intended. He will feel more shackled by you, and more apt to want to fantasize about someone else. Personally, if I were you (and I know how hard and crazy this may sound), I'd go the opposite way. I'd encourage him to keep the naked pics of his ex. I'd even set one as the wallpaper on his computer screen. Then, I'd offer to jerk him off while he was looking at it. This will take away a small part of the "sexual intimacy" factor he has associated with these pics, and possibly, even come off as hot to him on some level. One thing it won't do is push him in a direction you don't want him going. Jealousy always has sharp edges. If you wield it then someone will get cut. We all have dark things, sexual things, insane things that run through our minds. It's part of what makes us human. We can't condemn our loved ones for their thoughts though, but merely for their actions. He did something he imagined was personal. He didn't do anything intentionally to harm you. At the same time, you're only human, and ANYONE would be jealous about this. So, you're both engaging in completely normal, completely natural activities. The trick is to grant each other this space. You accept that he finds his ex-girlfriend sexually attractive, and he accepts that you're going to be jealous about it from time to time. In the end, however, you both realize that you love each other, that you want each other to be happy, and that you still cherish and value the other above anyone else. Part of loving and valuing someone is not condemning them for who they are. Link to comment
looking_up Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 What are these past incidents exactly? Has he cheated? If not, hes with you, thats the important thing. No he has not cheated, he has just kept things from me because he knew it would make me sad. Like deleting comments on myspace from his ex(different ex) and in the beginning not telling me about the ex in question calling him or stopping by. He's definitely not a cheater, and wants to avoid conflict, so I guess not saying something is easier. Above is different though. He can't control if someone tries contacting him, but he can control naked pics of his ex on his computer. Link to comment
forever1130 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 If I were you, I would just delete the pictures. If you are really the one he wants to be with, then he shouldn't have a problem with it and you can just tell him "Since you 'forgot' to do it, I went ahead and did it myself!" Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Well, you have a choice. You can either leave or stay. But picking fights over this will end up with him making that choice for you and it may be a choice you don't like. Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 If I were you, I would just delete the pictures. If you are really the one he wants to be with, then he shouldn't have a problem with it and you can just tell him "Since you 'forgot' to do it, I went ahead and did it myself!"With respect - that is not a cool thing to do - way too controlling and out of line. Nobody has a right to mess with a partner's computer. She should not have been snooping in the first place. I would immediately dump someone who did that. Link to comment
shikashika Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 If I were you, I would just delete the pictures. If you are really the one he wants to be with, then he shouldn't have a problem with it and you can just tell him "Since you 'forgot' to do it, I went ahead and did it myself!" oh god no!! Talk about zero respect to the boyfriend! how controlling and manipulative! I would dump a guy in 2 seconds if he went on to my computer and deleted things.. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 This is truly a great post!! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 seems like in almost any case if someone goes through their SO's computer, they can find something to not be happy with. I'm sure if a girl went through mine and/or my room they could find things...so best to just let people have their privacy and either trust them or don't Link to comment
looking_up Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks for everyone who took the time to read and reply to this thread! I'm really glad I got it off my chest and all the different opinions really helps put it in perspective. I'm not being naive to want to let it go, but I'm also not a bad person for feeling upset about it. I honestly never thought looking at his stuff was bad, we are in a committed relationship sharing a home and building a life together. The fact that he never got mad at me or accused me of snooping shows we are on the same wave length, and also helps me in understanding that he really just forgot to delete it. I just have to trust that why and what he deleted has nothing to do with me. I'm very sensitive and a reactor, it will take awhile for the sting to go away, but I will definitely look at myself a lot closer from now on. I've been on my own so long its hard to see the big picture sometimes. Link to comment
DN Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I think you would be wise to make sure you really are on the same wavelength and you are not making unwarranted assumptions that may damage or end your relationship. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Well if I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend, I would not give the reactions you gave. Having said that I believe there is possibility you are NOT overreacting. Why do I say this? I believe the majority of people are NOT obsessive or jealous or insecure. I believe when we experience the feelings you are experiencing there is a REASON. I have been there, I have been through the feelings and frustration you are experiencing and yet I just told you I would not act the same way if it happened now. It has a lot to do with your suspicions of the person you are with. Your reason for needing to analyze him, his words (he asked : ''did you find them on the compuer?'), his actions. The problem is more likely your trust in him rather than your overreaction or your insecurity. And again most likely there is a REASON you don't trust him. I say trust in your gut and don't avoid your suspicions. The rest is up to you on how you deal with this. You either decide you cannot be with someone you don't trust, or try to push him to talk/confess, or constantly feel the urge to check up on him etc. But I understand where you're coming from. I hope what I said helps. Link to comment
looking_up Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I understand your point, its nature vs. nurture. I still can't differentiate between intuition or just past experiences being projected. I'm not saying I'm completely ok and hunky dorey after reading a few posts,. But this is the first time I ever posted something like this, and just getting it out of my head and reading similar stories and even criticisms helped. Link to comment
jamiec3 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I kinda in the same situation .. kinda. A old friend of my bf sent him pics on his cell phone a couple face shots but then one that a gf took off her in a thong on a beach. all the texts from him were gone, only replys from her. so i dont know exactly what was said. but mine started when we first started dating when he called me another girls name. i took for an accident. and then one night we both got a little tipsy and he told me that he had pics of girls on his phone. granted I had this nagging feeling last night. it all started with him getting a text news years night that i briefly caught when he opened the text. but closed it fast. (girls name) saying happy new year wish i was with you... i took it for a ex that just wont let it go. i know girls like that. but then last night i looked at his phoen there were no texts only mine to him. but i went to his saved texts. and there were 7 of them in the last week 4 pics. and one saying how much she missed him. and the last one said. i miss you so much (my guys name) i cant wait to show you or hang out with you (something like that) of course my stomach instantly sunk!!!! so i twisted my story and told him i needed to talk to him. I said last saturday you mentioned a girls name.. who is ...... and he said she was just a friend blah blah blah had a drinking problem but doent drink anymore. I asked him if there was another girl. he said no. I told him that it felt like he was lining a girl up on the side line just in case we broke up. no i didnt tell him i was spying on his phone. then he said funny that you mentioned that girl i had a dream about her saturday night... blah blah blah her firned was drunk and they were in a car driving away. a part of me wants to go you are full of sh*t and call him out. but i only see what she sent him, not what he sent back. maybe he did set up plans to see her... maybe not. I dont know what to do. but i find my self checking his phone. i feel like i cant trust him. trust me i understand how you feel. i feel cheated on. i feel sick to my stomach. i wish i could help you cause i need help myself Link to comment
Rabican Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 hanging onto pictures and cards and letters from an ex is a surefire example of not being over someone. Big red flag, dont dismiss this as a 'mistake' I think hes got some serious ex issues. Link to comment
DJBaby Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 To Jamiec3: The first rule for catching a cheater is... Do Not Ever... EVER let the alleged cheater know that you are suspicious or that you have evidence unless you are ready to confront them. Letting them in on that is just going to either a. make them sneakier, or b. make them angry at you if they're doing nothing wrong. If you keep quiet you could learn something. That said, not everything is free-reign in a relationship. You should not be going through his phone. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 hanging onto pictures and cards and letters from an ex is a surefire example of not being over someone. Big red flag, dont dismiss this as a 'mistake' I think hes got some serious ex issues. Not true for everyone. I kept things from people I broke up with, people I had no intention of ever dating again. On the other hand, being insecure over someone keeping cards/letters/photos is a big red flag for *me*. Nobody will tell me what I'm allowed to keep or not keep. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Originally Posted by Rabican View Post hanging onto pictures and cards and letters from an ex is a surefire example of not being over someone. Big red flag, dont dismiss this as a 'mistake' I think hes got some serious ex issues. I have kept a lot of mementos (pictures, letters, presents etc) from most of my past relationships, not because I am still in love with that person, but because it is part of MY history. All of these people meant something to me at a certain time and those experiences shaped me into who I am now. Of course I don't have these things displayed in my bedroom, but put in some boxes, but when I look at these things, it reminds me of how I was then, how I thought/ felt and how much I have learned since then. Nobody has the right to ask me to throw this away if I don't want to. My parents will celebrate their 40th anniversary this year. My dad still has a box with pictures of some of the gf he dated before my mother met him. She knows of the box and she knows the content and the stories and she is totally fine with it. I found it interesting to see a part of his history that took place way before I existed. Link to comment
jdpreacher Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I have explicit pix of my ex and they are locked up, I'm debating as to whether or not to put them on a website and charge a dollar to look at them...yes, it's spiteful and mean but the hell she put me through before, during and after the divorce, especially after, it's warranted...if I haven't made a decision in the next few months I will probably burn them. But I don't look at them or the tape we made...and they aren't where anyone can find or see them. Blessed Be, Preacher Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I have explicit pix of my ex and they are locked up, I'm debating as to whether or not to put them on a website and charge a dollar to look at them...yes, it's spiteful and mean but the hell she put me through before, during and after the divorce, especially after, it's warranted...if I haven't made a decision in the next few months I will probably burn them. But I don't look at them or the tape we made...and they aren't where anyone can find or see them. Blessed Be, Preacher That's wrong, hope you don't do it. Link to comment
jdpreacher Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Wrong...yes...so was the hell she put me through after the divorce...unwarranted and unnecessary...I haven't yet but have thought about it...as each day passes the desire to rise above and continue to be the bigger person grows stronger. I will keep them a little while longer and if she doesn't pull anything else, then I will dispose of them, but if she comes after me again, then I will post them and be a vindictive a**. Blessed Be, Preacher Link to comment
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