thomas more Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 My wife and I are swingers and my wife permitted me to be with a woman friend by myself. It was a very magical evening with lots of intimate talking and of course sex. There were some things that she wanted to do that my wife does not like. So, that was the last time she visited us for various legit reasons. Then she started telling my wife about a guy and going over to his place and being social with him for hours on end and husband knowing she was on the up and up just being social. She described to my wife how he said once that she would never visit her friends alone if she was with him, that as a couple they would do everything together, she would never be alone. And then it turned physical. Well, she took care of him, he did not return the favor. Her husband grew suspect but the neighbor guy is very sly and befriended the husband. This all started to bother me. I grew anxious, depressed at times and unable to stop thinking about her. I think I fell in love with her, but then again, none of that surfaced until this guy came along. She's progressed along with the neighbor to full out sex, and again, with him not doing anything for her and me growing more anxious and depressed each time I heard something was going to go on. Each time I've felt anger toward this man for treating her like this and anxious for her not being taken care of. I always suspect when I man is not returning pleasure to the woman it was a sign of how he would treat a woman in general. I've had a hard time not calling the husband and telling him what I know just to break up her seeing the guy and calling the guy telling him I know what's going on to try and put a scare in him so he backs away. I realize that she is a highly sexual woman. She's beautiful both on the outside and inside. I felt close to her before we had sex, and somewhat protective of her as well. It's been more so that since. I also am aware that I felt there was a threat that she would not come back. How do I get over this woman I'm not married to, and how do I let her go? Did I fall in love or just feel a threat to her return that has pushed me to this point? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 This is one of the hazards of a swinger lifestyle. you're opening your marriage up to not just physical contact with other people, but emotional contact if you let it go too far. Your immediate problem is your feelings for this women. If you want to save your marriage, then you need to cut off contact with this woman. I would tell your wife you are developing feeings for this other woman, so it is time for you to stop contacting her, and definitely time to never have sex with her again. You also have to consider the risks of continuing in the swingers lifestyle if you can't separate emotion and sex. the only people i know who are successful at this lifestyle are able to do that, not care about other people they have sex with. many avoid the problem you are having by never having sex with friends, just going to clubs and never seeing/talking to people outside of the club or getting involved in each other's personal lives. i honestly don't think you are in love with this woman, but you are starting to have feelings for her that go beyond friendship becuase you got sexually intimate with her. the only way around starting to fall for someone other than a spouse is to cut that other person out of your life and stop contact with her. that is what is recommended by marriage counselors, that you need to break the bond that is starting to form with her, and don't cross that line again with anyone else. she is married, and her husband should be thinking about her, not you. if she wants to be unfaithful to him, that is her problem, not yours. and her sexual satisfaction with other men is definitely not your problem. don't get sucked into that emotional quagmire. Link to comment
Mutley Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 She's beautiful both on the outside and inside. Yea, right...she sounds like it. Sounds like she's pretty good at manipulating men. All's you can do is stay away from her and "fake it till you make it." There's a good chance you will stay insane if you don't let this one go. Link to comment
Wolf_22 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Is this a serious post? Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yea, right...she sounds like it. Sounds like she's pretty good at manipulating men. All's you can do is stay away from her and "fake it till you make it." There's a good chance you will stay insane if you don't let this one go. Word. I will never understand the swinger lifestyle, so I will not attempt to say anything about that. But if you aren't able to separate sex from love, I see nothing but problems in your marriage. Until you can do that, I would try to just stick with your wife. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 It's not love, it's a sense of "ownership". You feel that you now "own" this woman on the side and are now just upset that she is finding extracurricular joy with someone else, not you. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 No wonder many of us don't agree with swingers lifestyle because you can get easily emotionally attached to the other person and thus think you have fallen in love but aren't. To the poster.... Try backing off with the married woman and just stick to your wife like Scorpion suggested. If you still wanna screw around then make sure it's just for sex and not for developing emotions, also think you should have an honest talk with your wife. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Its a case of you want what you cant have. You said yourself you started getting these feelings when you heard she was with the other guy & she couldnt come visit you guys. I dont think you really love this woman, its probably just lust. I dont understand the lifestyle of swingers so I wont judge or comment BUT I do know you need to know how to separate sex with emotions if you want to keep up the lifestyle without ruining your marriage. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 This is the number one reason why more couples don't try swinging. A lot of times feelings develop, that you don't anticipate which can be detrimental to both your own and others relationships. Maybe you did fall in love, I can't really say one way or other, only you know that. But it does seem odd that you're so worried about this woman's sexual life that doesn't concern you. After all, you're swingers. Why can't you let it go ? You need to answer this honestly. As far as she is concerned, this is between her and her husband. It's really none of your business. If they are both okay with open sexuality, then what's the problem ? It doesn't matter what your views are, there values are their own. Maybe it is jealousy ? Maybe you are hurt that she chose this neighbor instead of you to be a consistent partner ? Whatever the case, you need to examine your feelings. You have no commitment to one another. You need to cease contact with her to keep those feelings in check, definitely no sex or discussing sexual matter with or about her. You may need to tell your wife your concern about developing feelings if you can't get over this alone. (And to ensure that she doesn't discuss including her again) For now, the best thing to do is keep your distance and not talk or think about her. Link to comment
blue69 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 You shared an intimate moment with this woman. You felt it "special" and are now reacting to the fact that you don't feel this was limited or special to just you. This isn't love that is making you react this way. It is more jealousy. Having a jealous "reaction" doesn't equal love my friend. Those emotions can hit, but you really need to know how to identify them correctly and then learn to keep them in check. As a swinger, you should have picked up on the initial problem with your scenario. First you brought in a partner from a couple who was cheating on her husband. Just because you are swingers doesn't mean you shouldn't value the relationship of a man and woman and especially the value of marriage. Regardless if the marriage had gone stale. I would imagine that this little built of "guilt" may be attributing to your feelings of jealousy. Have you even discussed this with your wife? I would hope so. Couples who "swing" really need to keep honest communication going between each other. You need to discuss your reactions with her and allow her to be a part of this. Did you tell her about how close you felt with this woman, when you were alone with her? Not sure how long you have been swinging but these things happen. A strong couple helps each other recognize these emotions, acknowledge them, and then work them out together. I am more concerned about the apparent lack of communication and honesty between you and your wife. You need to really evaluate whether you are a couple that can "swing" alone. Many couples decide which type of scenarios they are comfortable with. I personally don't think you two should play without each other. Especially with someone who has a more established relationship in your life. Same room swing is probably the better option if you continue that type of lifestyle. Please keep communication with wife open and honest. I am sure that your wife and you can figure this out better together than you could by yourself. Swinging can be a fun adventure. Controlling emotional responses is a challenge. But you need to at least recognize that emotions can creep up on everyone. It is normal in any relationship you start with someone. (And I can say this as someone who understands, appreciates and is experienced in the swinger "lifestyle". I certainly don't judge it negatively.) Good luck. Link to comment
thomas more Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 First off, thank you to everyone for your well thought out responses. I am happy to read the words of others on this topic as I have felt very lonely about this. I have expressed to my wife in detail what has been going on with me, and she has been very understanding. We do believe that open communication if very important to keep our relationship healthy. She has been aware that I have had feelings for this woman and am working to get past them. There were rules that I put down before the encounter to try to safeguard not only myself but our relationship, the most vaulable one I have, that limit my direct contact with the woman, and I have stuck to them. Yes, I have felt guilty about those feelings and at times been distracted by them and fortunatly my wife has been very understanding of them. I was surprised by the one response noting 'ownership' and will explore that thread futher. I see a therapist and they are fully aware of what has been going on up to a few days ago and my latest reactions. I'm not so much bothered by her having sex with others, I'm aware of one other partner she has and actually like the person. So I don't think that's what's going on. (She has no sex life with her husband, that's part of the lifelessness of it for her.) Part of it has been, I think, that I was flattered by the attention and want more, like a kid in a candy store. This guy was a threat to that happening. More to explore. Thanks again for all of your thoughts. Link to comment
yeawutever Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 You're welcome and good to hear you worked it out with your wifes, yes honest communication is the best. Link to comment
thomas more Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 I decided to ask my wife not to keep me posted on what she knows about her friend and the guy. She can tell me anything else about her, but that's a topic that's not open at the moment, that I need some time to heal myself and look at why I've felt this way. I have issues to deal with (no kidding!) and understand many of them. She has been very agreeable to it as well. I'm having a hard time saying that it's time to stop. I want to know, I want to know the future, but one never knows the future really, and only with open, honest communications with my wife and theapist can I face this head on. But I know that as this whole thing has gone on, it has been painful and put me into places in my life I don't want to be. I find myself crying as I think about her and not wanting music to play around the house, or smell candles we had burning, as they remind me too much of her. In time, they can come back, but not right now. I have to keep my own mental health in mind. Link to comment
chaosa Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Not only your mental health, but your marriage as well. I'm surprised that your wife isn't upset that you've grown so emotionally attached to this woman. I don't understand the swinging lifestyle, never will I suppose, I just hope your marriage doesn't suffer in all this. Link to comment
blue69 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Becoming emotionally attached is NOT part of normal swinger lifestyle. I know it is a "normal" emotional response with people, but many (MANY) people in swinging lifestyles DO NOT become emotionally attached. It can happen (obviously) but you would be surprised at how for many people this is not a problem. A bit disappointed in this post as it gives more fire to the "Anti-Swinger" community. The "See I told you so"... comments will be more so. But I spose it is an honest experience and to not acknowledge the risk is irresponsible. Swinging is NOT for everyone, but it isn't some negative "anti-relationship" activity either. Link to comment
chaosa Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Becoming emotionally attached is NOT part of normal swinger lifestyle. I know it is a "normal" emotional response with people, but many (MANY) people in swinging lifestyles DO NOT become emotionally attached. It can happen (obviously) but you would be surprised at how for many people this is not a problem. A bit disappointed in this post as it gives more fire to the "Anti-Swinger" community. The "See I told you so"... comments will be more so. But I spose it is an honest experience and to not acknowledge the risk is irresponsible. Swinging is NOT for everyone, but it isn't some negative "anti-relationship" activity either. I'm not anti-swinger, to each his own, I just have a hard time understanding it personally. It is just not something I could do myself, the act of sex itself is emotional for me. Link to comment
blue69 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I'm not anti-swinger, to each his own, I just have a hard time understanding it personally. It is just not something I could do myself, the act of sex itself is emotional for me. Sorry wasn't directing anything towards your specific comment. Link to comment
thomas more Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I'm not wanting to raise the spector of 'anti swinging' folks. Mine is a very unique case, involving someone whom I've known for sometime and considered a friend for along time before all this started. I keep fighting the urge to mettle in on this, using a few ideas to scare the guy off, but I know it's wrong. It's just a strong urge that hits sometimes and I have do to all I can to not do what is my plan... nothing violent, just urges. Perhaps there is some jealousy there and add to the fact that this guy is not providing for her any pleasure, and that's something I take great pride in doing and it enhances the problem for me. I know its none of my business. I've watched so many friends die because of bad decisons, and while I don't think this one will kill her, I see harm coming her way. And I am really helpless, powerless to do anything about it. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 You are having serious boundaries problems here. First, she is not your responsbility in any way shape or form. Your WIFE is your partner, and this is just someone you had sex with once. This other woman does not want you to interfere with her lover i am sure, nor have you make trouble for her, her lover, and her husband. You need to schedule an appointment with a therapist today to help deal with these urges, as they are neither normal nor healthy for anybody involved. You absolutely shouldn't be doing anything about her situation, nor even thinking about doing anything. Not your problem, not your issue, not your wife, she's nothing other than someone you slept with ONCE. If you don't get how inappropriate these feelings/urges are, then you need to go to a counselor and have them work with you until you understand, and stop obsessing about this other woman and her lover. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.