chaosa Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have been browsing this website for quite some time. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to make my own thread because I've never been one to take advice well. I've gotten to the point in my life where everything has come to a head and I feel like I want to die more days than not. My entire life has been a rollercoaster of tragedies and heartbreak with very few moments that have been uplifting. My childhood was tragic and chaotic from shortly after I was born. Moving around a lot from country to country, living with a father who wished I was a boy and let me know this all the time, living with a mother who I loved and loved me with all our hearts, but was very ill. She was taken from me when I was so young. My father's mental stability was so lacking that he became almost less than human when his wife/my mother was gone. He pushed me out and away, gave me to my mothers family to raise. I lost complete contact with him and my sister. I have not heard from or seen him for more than 20 years. I finally have contact with my sister after so long, but she lives thousands of miles away and I will never have the bond with her that I should have had. My mother's mother was always emotionally abusive to me. I was a burden to her, she had raised all her children. When I was 17 I left home to the distain of the rest of my mother's large family. They claimed I was selfish, stupid and ungrateful. I just closed myself off to their comments and moved forward with my life, or so I thought. In the summer of that year, I was raped and lost my virginity at the same time. At the time I thought it was no big deal, at least it was over with. As you can imagine the next years were numbing. I partied all the time, drinking heavily, crashing wherever I passed out at night. I had lost my ability to care what happened to me. I had many one night stands that were less than fulfilling. I ended up becoming great friends with a few girls who were less than savory to say the least. We were a group of girls who did nothing but party and have sex. It was one of these girls' ex-boyfriends who I saw hang himself in the barn behind her house because she wouldn't take him back. This incident was a bit of a wake up call for me and I decided to take charge of my life. I started working at a place where I met my future husband. He was my protector and was in love with me way before I would give him the chance to be with me. I finally gave in to him and he asked me to marry him after a month of being together. I got pregnant about a month before we married and was terrified. I never imagined myself as a mother, I couldn't begin to know how to take care of a child. We stuck it through and gave birth to the most amazing human being I've ever known. I lost my attraction to him very early on. I didn't want him to touch me and the thought of it made me very upset. He always loved me so unconditionally. Nothing I could ever do would change that. Even after I cheated on him and left him. He took me back without question. He was even able to gradually trust me again. A few months ago I did it to him again. I met a man online and fell for him. My husband found out and we talked about it, but decided that he needed to move out because obviously I have many emotional problems. Right now we are separated and I start therapy next week. I just really am at a loss as to how I feel emotionally. The only thing I know for sure is my love for my wonderful baby girl. I guess i just needed to get all that out. Thanks for reading. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Hopefully therapy will help you come to terms with everything...remember that you need to be emotionally healthy and set a good example for your daughter...you don't want her to learn negative behaviour patterns from you which she will then repeat when she becomes an adult. Link to comment
chaosa Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Hopefully therapy will help you come to terms with everything...remember that you need to be emotionally healthy and set a good example for your daughter...you don't want her to learn negative behaviour patterns from you which she will then repeat when she becomes an adult. Exactly, thanks. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Big hug Chaosa for all that you have been through. From reading your post it sounds to me like you may be experiencing some post traumatic symptoms all too normal considering what you have been through. Luckily you are introspective enough to express it all and seek help from a therapist. I would print this message and show it to your therapist. I hope however you have checked the credentials and/or have been referred to your therapist by someone you trust. I am only saying this because I didn't check the credentials of my therapist and years down the road I paid a steep price. Keep talking it helps!!! and best wishes to you Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 That's an awful lot to go through. You're damaged and hurting, but you will heal - although you're hurting other people very badly in turn; and unless you put a halt to it, the cycle will just continue on and on. You have two things in your life at the moment - your little girl and your husband. These are rocks that you can build on, and I really think you have to get counselling/therapy as a matter of urgency. These are self-destructive issues, and you will destroy yourself unless you get a grip on it. Yes, your life has been tough. But only YOU can take charge of it right now, no one else can do it for you. You have got to reach deep inside you, and you have got to heal and make a commitment to your child. I also think you have a commitment to your husband to work on this with him, to see if there is anything which can be saved. I'm so sorry it's been hard - but sometimes the hardest lives produce the most spectacular results, someone who has been through the fire can be the most beautiful, understanding, tough person, in a way in which easy living and good fortune doesn't give you. Get as much help as you possibly can - ALL help. Call on friends, family, doctors, counsellors, therapists, support groups. Work with your husband, see what is left. You can get through this, but you have got to let down your barriers, and you have got to be tough. Take care. Link to comment
cruzer Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I would just like to say thanks for sharing ur story, i know it took a lot from you, to post it, even tho ur unknown to any of us. I know u have been through a lot, i have never experienced any of that. I think ur a good person deep down and look how u changed your life around already once. I hope u can do it again, and be the great mother im sure u will be because u dont want your girl going through what u did as a child. good luck Link to comment
chaosa Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Thank you all for your comments. The more I look inward, the more darkness and damage I see, I just hope that therapy and support will help me break through the numbness and become the person I hope to be someday. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thank you all for your comments. The more I look inward, the more darkness and damage I see, I just hope that therapy and support will help me break through the numbness and become the person I hope to be someday. Keep reaching out and be kind to yourself in the process. Remember the things you have to be thankful for and that you are not alone. You have made a huge step towards recovery you should be proud of yourself. Hug Link to comment
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