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To NC, or not to NC


Sturmhouse

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My fiance dumped me on the 15th of december. We met face to face to discuss it on the 22nd, I went to her house on the 25th, cordially to exchange Christmas presents and offer a sincere apology. I sent her a facebook message on the 26th, saying I respect her decision and would give her space.

 

I have been strictly NO CONTACT since then. This is the de facto rule for breakups, in order to cleanse the mind, encourage healing, get all the desperation out of your system, and figure out what was wrong with the relationship. Well, I'm a fast learner and I truly have a grasp of what went wrong with the relationship, I've been practicing since I had the epiphany the week of the breakup and I am ready to reconcile. I don't know what her feelings are, but my question is this:

 

Does No Contact work for someone's relationship that ended because of not enough attention? Wouldn't no contact reinforce the idea that the neglecter really just doesn't give a crap? Are there any experiences with this that can be shared? Is this an exception to the rule?

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I suppose so. I guess I should dismiss any notion that she's fine? She acts like it's ok and it's better for ME to just not contact her cause it will be harder on me. She's wishy washy...One minute she says give me some time and we'll see how I feel, the next she says it'd be best if we kept minimum contact because I'll just feel like garbage when I don't get the result I'm expecting.

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There are indeed exceptions. The exceptions are those who choose to be exempt...

 

There are no set rules. NC is devised entirely as you said so - it is there to allow you to heal and reflect and learn and grow.

 

The circumstances in which your relationship fell apart is precisely where the answer lies. If it was a cordial and mutual agreement, and you both feel that you could continue a friendly relationship - then it may be that it could work for you. However, I would remind you that it does indeed take two people to make that work. And if you misjudge her feelings - it could be very awkward.

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I suppose so. I guess I should dismiss any notion that she's fine? She acts like it's ok and it's better for ME to just not contact her cause it will be harder on me. She's wishy washy...One minute she says give me some time and we'll see how I feel, the next she says it'd be best if we kept minimum contact because I'll just feel like garbage when I don't get the result I'm expecting.

 

If you were the one not giving her enough attention, then, given her response above, I would simply tell her that you are sorry that you did not give her the attention she deserved, you would like to try again and rectify your mistakes, however the ball is now in her court and you will respect her decision and leave her alone and if she decides she wants to try again than to give you a call. By doing it this way you counteract the NC by making it crystal clear that you want to try again but you will not be in touch with her unless she is agreeable. It puts the onus back on her so that you can walk away with a clear conscience knowing that you tried and that she knows exactly where you stand.

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There are indeed exceptions. The exceptions are those who choose to be exempt...

 

There are no set rules. NC is devised entirely as you said so - it is there to allow you to heal and reflect and learn and grow.

 

The circumstances in which your relationship fell apart is precisely where the answer lies. If it was a cordial and mutual agreement, and you both feel that you could continue a friendly relationship - then it may be that it could work for you. However, I would remind you that it does indeed take two people to make that work. And if you misjudge her feelings - it could be very awkward.

 

It wasn't a cordial, mutual agreement to not see each other. Clearly, I want another try - but she doesn't want to give it to me right now. I accepted that fact, and respect her decision. This does not mean I agree to never talk to her again and consider her gone, or that I will never attempt to reignite our relationship, but it does say "Ok, I accept that you broke up with me and the conditions under which you made the decision."

 

She has made it pretty clear to me, and our mutual friends that right now, she does not want to be with me, period. She has no attraction to me, no feeling of love to give incentive to working things out. The most ambiguous thing about it is, am I supposed to wait around for her to miss me (with the risk of that not ever happening), or am I supposed to take that as a hint to take action and recreate those feelings for her?

 

She says she doesn't mind me having contact with her, but her only concern is the hurt it may cause me when it doesn't progress towards anything. It is a very tricky situation for me and the ambiguity of it all is making me hurt worse than if I knew what the correct course of action would be.

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Sturmhouse, the correct course of action is for you to allow nature to take it's course. Not all relationships work out. This one, like all relationships, could go either way. Accept that you can and will be okay no matter what happens. She is an enhancement to your life not a necessity. That attitude will attract her, a needy attitude will push her away. Open and friendly, open and friendly.

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I know she's an enhancement. I am fundamentally happy with myself. But once you go from having that enhancement to not having it, things aren't as exciting as they once were. Accomplishments that used to be exciting to me became exciting for US, but now that it's back to me it's not so great.

 

Nature will run it's course, but things happen in nature - nothing is static. I know I'll survive without her, but I will have serious regrets if I don't try my best to get another chance with her. Right now, it's determining what "best" is. Is it no contact for a month, or is it friendly chat right now? Will she see friendly contact as desperate, or not?

 

The uncertainty is killing me!

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She has made it clear that she is not interested...crystal clear. If you choose to continue contact then proceed at your own risk...accept that you might hear about her dating and sleeping with someone else. Most people who are still in love with their ex and want them back can't handle hearing about the ex moving on to another partner. You have made your interest very clear and she has said no. I would strongly suggest that you walk away completely and accept that it is over. What happens in the future is anybody's guess, but you have to put all thoughts of reconciliation out of your head or else you will end up very very frustrated if she doesn't return your calls quickly enough, if she says one thing that you interpret as hope only to find out she is seeing someone else etc. Many people on this forum have fallen into the trap of remaining friends with the ex in the hopes of rekindling the relationship. It very often ends up with them being frustrated and ultimately devastated. It just prolongs their healing and moving on.

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You are grasping at non-existent hope I'm afraid.

 

By going after her, you would be effectively torturing yourself. But don't feel that you are alone in that - I think it's safe to say we've all been there at some stage.

 

You have to fight past the initial temptation and indeed instinct. Realise that you can change nothing and accept that there will be nothing further.

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so - my take is this - if she broke up with you because you didn't give her enough attention, it seems like this was a very long-brewing problem between you two, and it's not going to be fixed overnight either, even if you had an epiphany. i would really recommend going to a therapist, getting some self-help books, etc..... for two reasons - 1 - to help you move on, and 2 - to tell her that you are doing these things, so that she knows you are really serious about improving this. i think it might be the only thing that brings her back.

 

obviously, i don't know you two, or what you have been through, but something tells me that she probably felt neglected for a REALLY long time, and was hoping you would get it, and each time you said you understood, but your actions didn't match your words. hence, she got sick of waiting around and sick of all talk and no action. so i think you need to show her action that you REALLY get it. i'd sign up for therapy to talk about your relationship, and let her know. i don't know - maybe she may be inclined to give you a second chance if she knows you are serious about improving.

 

good luck

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Mmm, I think I miscommunicated in my last post. I meant to say she said that she doesn't want to be with me right now, period. She sees no point in letting me have another chance, because there is no attraction. She would give me another chance, but she'd be pretending to still be in love with me, which she isn't.

 

In the same sentence she says, I'm not closing any doors, I can't say never cause I don't know how I'll feel in a while. I can't give you a definitive answer, I just don't know what I want right now.

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It was a long brewing problem - it has been this way since I started dating. The difference is, I gave her the headsup before we started dating, I told her I wasn't mushy, romantic, or affectionate and she said she didn't mind. She never tried to change my behavior in any concerted effort so it's not like I've ever even had ONE chance. It only became a real problem in the last few months, when I moved home from college and she found herself alone thinking about it, and with so much studying, no outlet to discuss it with me. Weekend visits were hardly the time to bring it up.

 

It's not that she tried, and I didn't follow through - it's that she believes I can't be this way because of who I am...Which simply isn't true. I was planning on using my no contact time as time to practice these new found behaviors and then showing them to her in a slow, simple process....but recently I've been questioning if I should wait so long and whether that would reinforce her ideas about me or not.

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well - i don't know. i think most guys aren't naturally 'romantic' in the way that they buy flowers, chocolates, lingerie, etc...... but some men are. some men show romance by doing things around the house, by coming home every night, by taking out the garbage, etc.... it's been my experience that most guys aren't into flowers and things like that and only buy them to please their women and because the commercials on TV tell them to. to her, i would say that she might be being a tad unrealistic about relationships. a steady, good guy is better than a guy who is flighty but buys roses. maybe romance is just very important to her??

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She has made it pretty clear to me, and our mutual friends that right now, she does not want to be with me, period. She has no attraction to me, no feeling of love to give incentive to working things out.

 

She says she doesn't mind me having contact with her, but her only concern is the hurt it may cause me when it doesn't progress towards anything.

 

I hope that you can one day recognize your worth. You deserve to be with someone who can't live without you. Someone who will cherish, adore and support you. I would accept her words at face value and move on with your healing. NC. Cry, read, learn, heal and grow. If your paths cross in the future, you can then decide if she's worthy of you.

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Ummm...I'm pretty sure I was the one at fault here. I really didn't do much in the way of making her feel desired. She's a fantastic person and I really see very few flaws in her. She has some security and self image issues, but she was such a good girlfriend. She deserved to be treated better than I did, I just want to be the one to do it.

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but at the same time, if she were my friend, i would tell her that if she's always expecting a guy to bring flowers, roses, poems, etc..... she may have somewhat unrealistic expectations, and to appreciate other ways in which he shows love, as long as he does!!! i remember one woman complaining that a man always bought her gagets for holidays - like cell phones, cameras, etc.... which were very pricey but not romantic. she wanted jewelry. however, he probably doesn't know a thing about jewelry, what style to buy, what stones she likes, etc.... and he was buying her things he knows a lot about, like cell phones, and that was very nice and loving of him.

 

did you never do anything nice for her?

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This is exactly the problem. I would do that exact thing. Example; for christmas this year I bought her a laptop. In the past I paid for her bartending school, I bought her the box set of harry potter books, I'd buy her movie posters.

 

Not until the breakup did I ever buy her flowers, take her out for a romantic dinner, or even do much on valentines day. She played along and said it was fine, so I never thought twice about it, but deep down she wanted those things...she just didn't want to have to ask for it. But it wasn't just THINGS I didn't do, I didn't tell her how I felt, I didn't say I love you as often as I should, I wasn't always complimentary of her looks. I wasn't abusive, I didn't ever talk down on her looks, but I just didn't take that extra effort to tell her how special she was. It's my fault, but it's fixable.

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You know Sturmhouse, what we think is "fixable" is no longer fixable in the dumper's mind (hence the dumping). You (we) have to wait 'till they see the big picture of us again - not just our flaws - and hopefully we'll get to show them how we changed then, and maybe they'll give us another chance. But right now - since they have fallen out of love for us!! - there's nothing you (we) can do, and sticking to NC is the best way to let them grow interest in us again...

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