I blew it all out of the water

[cemlaw]

I had managed 10 days NC, when I was awoken at 6:25am with calls and text messages from a slime ball that put themselves in the center of my breakup. Too much slimy crap to go into... but I was sleeping in a hospital room with my father who has pancreatic cancer.

 

I took the bait and got sucked into a load of sh** and then actively participated in it all. It lasted all day and was horrible and now it feels like we broke up all over again yesterday (after 4 weeks).

Square One- I haz it again.

[catfeeder]

I hope you're doing okay, and awfully sorry about your Dad.

 

It sounds as though you have clarity about where you went wrong. Consider your 10 days of NC as cumulative--nothing takes those away from you. Getting involved again probably wasn't brilliant, but you're as human as the next person. You're smart enough to learn from it, and you'll find a way to put that lesson to good use in the future.

 

In your corner.

[John Bendix]

Go easy on yourself. Slip-ups are going to happen. We sometimes let our emotions and egos take over and dominate our decison making.

 

That past moment is gone. Let it go and start again right now.

[cemlaw]

thanks guys. I really was beating myself up about it... then on Monday morning I went to start my car and the battery was dead. It has been doing this since before we broke up and we knew I needed a new battery. I panicked and called him to come give me a jump (as he has always done- even once since the break up. It died while I was moving my things out of our house and I had to wait until he got home from work to leave!)

He came right away and jumped the car for me. I was nice and calm and he ended up standing there talking to me forever. I seriously had to just tell him I had to get going so he'd leave. He was even kind of flirty with me.... *sigh*

He sent me an email Tuesday night with a picture of our cat (she lives with him as does our dog too). I didn't reply. I presumed I'd get a "Merry Christmas" text today or last night- but nothing. It was so hard being without him last night and today (first one in 3 years). A Christmas ruined despite my TRYING to enjoy what will more than likely be my last one with my father. I hate I am still letting him control my emotions like this. I know it is MY issue... but here I am.

[cemlaw]

update- no contact since last Tuesday. His mother called me today and asked me to lunch on Wed. She'd asked this before the holidays and I had said yes... then after the drama I described in my first post, I had decided it wouldn't be a good idea to see her.

I changed my mind again! I am going to meet her for lunch Wed. I think she has Christmas presents to give me.

I just don't want to talk about HIM with her though. I know she will ask and I think it is better to leave it be. We DO have other things to talk about as I haven't seen her since just before Thanksgiving when we broke up... it will be hard, but I do want to see her and catch up.

I just have to keep him out of it. He'll probably not like it after he finds out we had lunch, but right now, I just don't care how he feels.

[AutumnBorn]

Good luck with lunch. Keep us posted. I'd like to know that it went OK.

[cemlaw]

Thanks. I am going today to find a little something for her for Christmas.

I'm nervous about it. I just don't want her telling me anything I don't want to know. Maybe I should just blurt it out straight away that I don't want to talk about him??

[cemlaw]

I'm Home.

 

The lunch was nice and horrible rolled into one.

 

It was so nice to see the ex's mom and talk and talk and talk. We DID end up talking about what happened a bit. I DID end up crying too… but it was the weirdest thing. She told me that the ex had brought Kira (our doggie) over on Christmas morning and I just lost it. She asked me why that was making me so upset… for one, he never lets her go anywhere. She is a Pit and he is afraid of her doing anything bad. We fought about this, because I think she needs more socialization. Secondly, I miss her so very much. I could just see the whole scene and I know I should have been there with them- our family. Instead I was hiding on the stairs of my sister’s house crying my eyes out.

 

She brought me some wonderful presents and the food at the French restaurant was divine, as always.

 

I went straight to the gym from lunch to work off some of the upset’ness I was feeling. And who was standing out on the sidewalk smoking when I pulled up? Yep. Him. He looked horrible and I just fizzled around in my car until he finally went back into the wine store. (he owns a wine shop 2 doors down from my gym)

 

Happy f'ing New Year.

[lolisa]

oh, thats awful!! i hope you're doing better, and at least he looked terrible and you probably looked great!

this is a whole new year with all new surprises and good fortune waiting for you to go get at... good luck with everything!!!

[cemlaw]

thanks. I did look great! And that made me smile. His mother noted how much weight I had lost (thanks to the Break Up Diet and spending an hour in the gym every day-minus Christmas- for the last 2 weeks.)

I don't know how much he saw of me walking in and out of the gym, but I still had a strut to my walk and knew I looked good. I guess I'll take even small victories at this point!

At least I know now, no matter what he is doing tonight, I will be on his mind.

[cemlaw]

10 days NC again.

Today was a bad day. All I managed to do was go to the gym and sleep.

It kills me he hasn't wanted to talk to me, but it's best for both of us.

I'm sad tonight. I think I saw him as I was leaving the gym. Saw his car as I pulled out and someone his size was standing outside his store.

[cemlaw]

Well I guess this has become my own little thread here.

11 days consecutive NC, 21 total NC.

Today was better than yesterday. His car wasn't at the store when I went to the gym, so that may have helped. I went down to the beach after the gym. I thought going places alone was going to be really depressing, but I guess it isn't so bad. We got to the point where we never went anywhere... we just sat at home, so at least now, I am GOING PLACES.

[cemlaw]

I had some clarity last night when seemingly out of no where, I burst into tears.

It isn't so much HIM that I miss... there were always things about him that didn't sit right with me... but it not being a "couple" anymore. For three years I felt "normal". I was a unit, we had a little family. I miss that. I miss the support system.

I was never one that loved that whole "honeymoon stage" as weird as that may seem. I always want to skip over that and get to what I consider "the good stuff"- when you are comfortable together and know each other so well that you can actually sit together in silence without worrying what the other is thinking. To me, that is love. I know that makes me in the minority, and probably a lot of what aided in our break up, but there it is.

He wanted new and exciting, and I appreciated the "well-worn" aspect of our relationship.

[cemlaw]

I originally posted this in the "Rebound and Reverse Psychology" thread, but since no one else posts here in my sad little thread, I will just post again for myself!

 

All I have wanted is for my ex to be alone and stay away from this girl he seems to be rebounding with. I say seems, because I am not really sure what is going on and don't want to know at this point. Immediately after the break up we talked, argued, yelled, cried, you name it and he agreed this girl is a horrible person and very toxic to his life. He SEEMED to not want anything else to do with her and I truly believed it. I've known the guy for over 3 years... but, I guess I could be wrong. He's seen her twice since the breakup (as of last week- I don't know since then as I have reinstated NC) and I just couldn't understand how he could allow himself to be around this poisonous beast (I know I sound bitter, and I am, but without writing a novel here, trust me- this is a bad person all the way 'round).

 

Then I read and reread this thread and really tried to digest it all. Now I want him to see her and spend time with her. I WANT him to get this crap out of his system or she will always be some kind of fantasy in his head. Knowing what a crap human-being she is, it shouldn't take too long before he sees it for himself. I know men can be stupid when it comes to the novelty of a new woman (sorry fellas!), so it may take longer that I'd prefer, but it is the only way.

 

I just KNOW I don't want to know a single thing about it and the only way I can do that is to stay as far removed from him as I can. We still have some "loose ends", but I am not worried about those for now (we each still have quite a few things that belong to the other. Nothing we can't live without for now). I can't believe I can actually say that at this point- I want my ex to be with his rebound! And yes, she was half the reason we broke up 6 weeks ago... or was it 5?? I've forgotten!

 

So back to my original point- this thread is DEAD ON and I am so glad I found it. It gave me a lot of clarity about my situation. I don't know if we will ever be able to repair the damage that was done to us, but I want him to heal and move on and the quickest route for him is to get this girl out of his head and the quickest route for THAT is for him to actually be around her more. Get the honeymoon phase over with and see her for what she is.

[loulee]

Im sorry your going through this emotional turmoil right now.. Keep working on yourself and start getting out there and doing things you have forgotten to enjoy..make yourself a DO's and Dont list on your fridge like a MANTRA AND FOLLOW IT EVERYDAY.. just take one day at a time..maker a list of your short term goals..Do one nice thing for yourself everyday..enjoy the luxury of being selfish for a little while and start healing..try and think about just you and your needs for now.. the no contact is very difficult BUT it does force us to confront our life and take a really honest look at what was going wrong in our relationship..it forces our independance..makes us see with more clarity our past mistakes and reinforces within us the ones we hope we will not repeat in the future...make this alone time work for you...you will not heal and grow whilst ever your thoughts are about him.what he is doing and what you would like to happen in his life..think of the next day of your life as the FIRST day of your new life and take it from there..good luck

[cemlaw]

Thanks loulee. Those are great suggestions and things I need to put into action. I have been making myself go to the gym every day (only missed Christmas Day out of the last 18 days!). I've been taking myself to parks and down to the beach as well.

 

I had a weird and random set back today, but it is just too stupid to even post. Let's just say, it was not one of my better days. But I still managed to work 12 hours and spend an hour in the gym... so there's that.

 

2 weeks today consecutive NC, 24 days total. I miss him.

[Greeneyedgem]

Good luck!! It can only go up from here its been 11 days nc for me! The last time i text him was x mas day!! I miss him much... but i dont know what else to do... i either break and call/text and get set back or.....I dont call and keep pushing forward!! Sorry to know that someone is feeling just as crappy as me... but helps knowing that im not the only one that has counted every day!!

[cemlaw]

sounds like we are in the same boat here.

I think if it hadn't been for me forcing myself up and out and to the gym everyday, I would have cracked. Now work has resumed and I am still going to the gym every day and working 12 hour days.

The nights are the worst... like...right...now.

I also still instinctively start to email him things I find or reach for my phone to text him if something happens I know he'd be interested in. I wonder when that will stop? It's been 6 weeks since the break... That seems like forever, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, it is nothing. We both have so much to work on in ourselves.

I know he isn't contacting me because he doesn't want to hurt me any more.

I also know there will come a day when he gets curious and texts or emails me. I almost fear what my reaction to that will be more than all these lonely, scary nights.

[cemlaw]

I'm having a really bad night. Saturday was our dinner date night. I saw his car as usual when I went to the gym and I wanted him to be outside and see my so bad. I keep trying to make myself think about anything but him, but within a few minutes, I am right back to him. I want him to call me so bad. I just don't know how he has gone so long without contacting me. I'm having a huge struggle tonight to not send him a text or email. I keep thinking of excuses... have you watered the plants? How are the pets? Can I get my lap top back?

He has my key and I have his garage door opener and he has my lap top.... excuses. excuses....

of course I think he is with her. part of me actually wants him to be with her so he'll hurry up and get it out of his system. Then it just turns my stomach and I have to force myself to NOT think about them together. I have no idea if he's seen her even... but that is where I am emotionally right now.

I just want to call him sooooooooooo bad right now. I feel like I am going nuts tonight. One step forward.... 10 steps back. I know, in my head, I would just wreck it by contacting him, but then my heart says it would just open the communication gates again and that would be good. He's such a weird one. I don't know.

I mean, I KNOW... NC is best for me. I need more time. He needs more time obviously since he hasn't contacted me. * * * * . I know he is thinking about me. WHY won't he contact me?!?!?!?

bad bad bad night.

[dstein]

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading your posts...and I am right there with you. You can read the details if you want in my old threads...

 

I too love and miss my ex. He has a LDR with a woman now from his past who is apparently coming to town next month from France, where they met. It guts and disgusts me, but I too know that he needs to see her and figure his stuff out with her...I remember hearing about her in the 1st month of our relationship and remember having a "bad feeling" about her, because of the way he spoke of her, wistfully...yuck.

 

Anyway, I feel you. He left November 30th so it's been about 6 weeks now. It's hard. I thought I would marry this man and I did NOT think he left because of a lack of love between us. This just made it all feel more confusing. I was under the impression that after 4 years, he just couldn't commit to being with me and my 2 kids, and dealing with the monster of an ex-husband that came with the deal. That had been something he struggled with from the beginning. Now I am not sure what to believe. It doesn't matter. He's gone, and she's in the picture and who knows who else. I don't have that information. I am almost 4 days NC. It would have been longer before I got a birthday email, card and flowers all in one day. That kicked my a$$.

 

So, you aren't alone and you aren't writing these for yourself. Keep writing and so will I. I am just continuing to work on me, a day at a time, knowing that I deserve someone who is ALL IN and not confused. I am NOT CONFUSED. Just sad, and really disappointed.

[cemlaw]

we ARE in the same boat! I thought we'd be married too. We talked about it this summer and I was moving in... next week actually. Now... nothing.

After I wrote that last entry I broke and sent him a text. I made a thread about it if you want to read. It ended up with us meeting and having a nice few hours together.

I still think, deep in my heart, that he panicked. We are both in our 30's and never married, no kids. He'd never even lived with a girlfriend before. It was "that time" for us and as I said we had already started moving me in and had a final move in date... then all of a sudden there is a girl 10 years younger than me sniffing up his tree and out of the blue, he "doesn't love me like he should" (whatever the * * * * that means). Then as soon as we break up, that chick is pretty much out of the picture.

There are days I really wish I cold pick his brain... but I honestly think that right now he is relieved to be single. He suddenly bought furniture for our house (after 3 years living there) and curtains and bedspreads... granted, he HAD to because I took all my stuff! but still...

I'm just going to sit back and let him enjoy himself and see if his heart remembers me. I think it will, but for now, I am living my life as though we are done. I have to. I'd never feel any better if I didn't. The gym has helped so much. I've now made it 22 days of the last 23! I look better and more importantly, I FEEL better. I walk lighter and even have my sway back.

Good luck to you and keep me updated!