What is so wrong with dating older men?

[JadedStar]

Thank you all for your insight. I think I can see more where people are coming from on this. They aren't trying to be judgemental so much as they are trying to watch out for me. I just hope that in the future, you can see my side too now, and understand why it's so hurtful for me to see the man I love called immoral and shot down like that.

 

That is exactly what everyone is trying to do. Glad you see that. The thing is when i was 19 i had way more burdens than i wish i had, but i adjusted. But they were more things that were not controllable - it just seems a shame that at your age you are not able to be more carefree vs having to stress out over fighting for this man's integrity and shielding him from things...

 

We don't know him. We only go on what you say. If people in your real life are shooting down his integrity maybe there are things they see that have some merit?

[waveseer]

As long as everybody involved is a legal adult then I say no problem. Communication is the key to any relationship regardless of the ages of the people involved. There are even younger people who want to settle down and older people who don't so making sure the goals are compatable is paramount and it's not age dependent at all.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Thank you all for your insight. I think I can see more where people are coming from on this. They aren't trying to be judgemental so much as they are trying to watch out for me. I just hope that in the future, you can see my side too now, and understand why it's so hurtful for me to see the man I love called immoral and shot down like that.

 

I haven't got the chance to read the whole thread, but immorality is different for everyone. Some people just see things differently. I do think the risk is higher when the girl is young and the guy is older, because she feels like she has less say/power. However you can't judge anything at face value.

 

Personally, I think you alone can assess the healthiness of a relationship. The age difference (i'm not even sure what it is) doesn't bother me as much as him having low self-esteem. Sometimes damaged people can damage relationships and become too defendant.

 

Anyway, speaking of immorality, my fiance was 21 when he met me ... I was 16. After I turned 17 we were a couple. When I turned 18 he bought me Lolita by Nabokov and we read it together. It's very funny. I never found it immoral at all. On a mental/emotional level we are completely congruent. In fact, he had never been in love before and I had, and alot of things when it came to intimacy I taught him. Now I'm 19 and he's (almost) 24, and thankfully, our families are horrible at math and they haven't figured out I was 16 when we met. At our wedding, I'll be 20 and he'll be 25. Anybody have a problem with that? We didn't have sex until after I turned 18, but that's because he had to travel alot for volunteer projects and the time we did get toghether, we spent doing more important stuff like cuddling and talking. We never really realized our age difference except At birthdays. I would be like, wow, I'm youngg.

 

I do think you should be careful (and I was) but never eliminate a possiblity because of age. If you ever feel him to be controlling or to treat you like a "thing", then you need to be hesitant and end the relationship.

 

You should be careful with everyone though. I was raped when I was 16 by a guy that was half a year younger than me. So stereotypes don't work in real life!

 

Feel better! My relationship is more immoral than your's.

[shes2smart]

The biggest reason i find your maturity to be in question is because of how much you let this bother you. Do you think a person of sound maturity really worries to this extent what others think of the man she loves?

 

I agree with this.

 

I've been both the younger and the older partner in age gap relationships (last bf was 18 years older than me, my husband is 11 years younger). My husband and I both look to be in our 30's, so the age difference isn't that obvious to the casual observer...yet. At some point it will be.

 

My last bf was 18 years older than me and it was very obvious. More than once I got some variation of, "Oh....is that your.....father?" No big deal. They're entitled to their opinion, and I'm equally entitled to ignore their opinion.

 

Because, really, doesn't matter if we're talking about who you date, what you do for a living, what you had for lunch, what you're wearing -- somewhere, someone will have an opinion on it...even when it's really none of their damn business. Sometimes, they will be so brash as to voice that opinion to you. As long as they're reasonably polite/civil about it, I find it best to just let it roll off my back and be confident that I am making the right choice for myself. My life, they don't get a vote. Now, if they're rude or mean...different story. I won't tolerate being treated poorly. They have a right to have an opinion, they just don't have the right to be (intentionally) hurtful when expressing it.

 

Never intentionally set out to date older/younger...these are just the people who I clicked with and had enough mutual attraction/commonality with to have a relationship with. Again, though, it goes back to having enough confidence in your own decisions. If I am doing what is right for me, then what just about anyone else thinks doesn't matter one bit.

[CaptainPlanet]

What if that person is already emotionally grown?

 

Also, I know people in their 30s plus who are still emtionally growing too. So age really doens't apply to this.

 

The bottom line is that you are free to do with your body as you wish. The reason people believe what they do is due to perception.

 

The assumption is that a 25 year old woman is no longer innocent and will marry the 45 year old man as a life style choice because he is wealthy. She has had time to be free and foold around now she decides it is time to be an adult and quit her $7.25 an hour cashiering job for a married life with a rich man.

 

The young girl is assumed to be silly and getting taken advantage of hasn't had the same life experience so it is like he is stealing her youth.

 

The assumption isn't true for everyone but it is a good guide. A 19 year old ends up married to an ugly mean 50 year old and I'd feel sorry for her. Same thing happened to a 25 year old my thoughts are well that is just life.

[Mangoz]

what about a 22 year old dating a 34 year old? is that quite a gap?

[Lowconfidence]

He's just a little off. He's not mentally handicapped, but he's got some problems relating to other people. He's very shy and doesn't to people much, except for me. I'm the only one who can get him out of his shell. He acts scared around everyone else, but with me he's very comfortable.

 

I think he has some sort of a social anxiety.

 

I was skimming thru this thread and curious as to how old your BF is. I see you are 19 so I'm assuming that he's probably in his 30s.

[Tezza]

There is nothing wrong with dating an older man. Just be weary about where in his life he is and what he wants from you. He may want to settle down when you don't. He may also have baggage...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Car Chick, i am confused by this thread because you have another active thread from yesterday where you talk about wanting an older man you USED to date, who might even be engaged now to someone else. He's not 'your guy' if you don't even know his status, and he might be engaged to someone else.

 

And according to that thread, if you broke up with him two years ago, then you were probably dating him when you were 16-17 and he was 29-30 at the time? Of course people are going to object to that becuase you were an underage teenager and he a grown man.

 

Perhaps your friends are against it because he's got someone else and they are being realistic about the situation and you are not? Or like you said he cheated on you and ended the relationship to be with someone else and they think it will happen again? Or a grown man who wants to prey on a teenager's naivete?

 

This isn't just about an age gap, but about the circumstances. And try not to think of him as 'your guy' if you aren't even dating him and he has (or might have) someone else. It's easy to cast this as a 'why can't they accept us' thing, when there is a whole lot else going on here that is problematic.

[Car Chick]

He's NOT engaged. I keep saying that. He WAS possibly at one time between now and when we last dated. I know he's not "my guy" right now. In this thread I am more talking about when I am dating an older man. People are very harsh to him. When we were dating he got called a pedophile and people were very rude to him.

[Car Chick]

I was skimming thru this thread and curious as to how old your BF is. I see you are 19 so I'm assuming that he's probably in his 30s.

 

 

Yeah he is in his thirtys. He's 32.

[Car Chick]

My boyfriend is 17 years older then me, we started dating when I was 21 and he was 38. 3 years later things are still going well.

 

What I would be worried about is the fact that you aren't dating this guy. If this is the same guy you last posted about in your last post. He _might_ have another girlfriend, he _might_ be engaged, that seems to be more of the issue.

 

 

I wouldn't ever date a man that was taken. What I said was AT ONE TIME he had been dating someone else. He' single now.

[Car Chick]

You cannot be his savior or his shield in life. It is extremely concerning that a 19 year old girl feels she has to shield a grown man from criticism.

 

I am not even going to discuss the age gap at this point, just based on what you have stated even if he were your age the relationship doesn't suond very healthy. You think he is way more of a catch than you, you are spending more time defending this relationship it seems than relaxing and enjoying life like a teen should, and you feel you need to shield this man from criticisms that he needs to handle more like an adult....seems like a mighty big handful for a 19 year old to be shouldering at this point.

 

 

I don't feel like I need. I guess you've never cared about anyone because if you did, you wouldn't want people to be saying crap about that person.

[Car Chick]

I agree. I have been hurt by people of all ages.

 

As far as the say goes, he'd tell you, I voice my opinion. I make sure I have a say with anyone.

[Car Chick]

what about a 22 year old dating a 34 year old? is that quite a gap?

 

Not to me. It's only twelve, like mine.

[Car Chick]

There is nothing wrong with dating an older man. Just be weary about where in his life he is and what he wants from you. He may want to settle down when you don't. He may also have baggage...

 

 

Yeah he does have some baggage. The poor guy has had a horrible life. His dad abandon them and was an alcaholic and beat his mother. He grew up with 12 other brothers and as a result didn't get much attnetion (except for his brothers picking on him all the time). He's had a hard life, but he's come a long way from it. I admit it can be a challenge dealing with it sometimes because it still affects him, but I know he must have a challenge in dealing with all my baggage too, becuase I come from a long hard road as well.

[bmwm3]

I dont think theres anything wrong with dating older men... i am 28 and date 21-24yrs old... as long as you guys want the same things...

 

i have my own business so i have flexibilty with time and money... and like to do spontaneous things.. sometimes with younger girls they have the ability to do so... women my age have carrers and responsiblities and makes it harder to get away...

 

but i have also found younger girls might not be on the same page as you...

 

i dont think age matters at all.. as long as you both want the same things and understand and be willing to work with eachother....

[Car Chick]

I grew up quick. I have alwasy been ready for the next stage in life. I figure, this way, I get more out of the short years I have hear on earth.

[Car Chick]

I dont think theres anything wrong with dating older men... i am 28 and date 21-24yrs old... as long as you guys want the same things...

 

i have my own business so i have flexibilty with time and money... and like to do spontaneous things.. sometimes with younger girls they have the ability to do so... women my age have carrers and responsiblities and makes it harder to get away...

 

but i have also found younger girls might not be on the same page as you...

 

i dont think age matters at all.. as long as you both want the same things and understand and be willing to work with eachother....

 

 

I agree. It's fun to just hang out. Everyone assumes I'll be marrying this guy right away or something like that. It's never really been that serious with us. We've talked about kids and stuff, but mostly, we just enjoy each other's company, and kissing of course, lol.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd just be weary because I know how my uncle is.

 

He is a great catch and a great guy but he really doesn't want anything serious right now. So, he (who is about 34 or so) dates 21 and 22 year olds. He doesn't have to take them seriously and they are a lot more fun to be around. However, he has no intention of settling down with any of these girls.

[Car Chick]

I'd just be weary because I know how my uncle is.

 

He is a great catch and a great guy but he really doesn't want anything serious right now. So, he (who is about 34 or so) dates 21 and 22 year olds. He doesn't have to take them seriously and they are a lot more fun to be around. However, he has no intention of settling down with any of these girls.

 

 

I don't have to settle down right now either. I'd be fine with getting married in the next five years, but I don't have to get married right away either. We enjoy just casually dating. He's a fun guy to date. He's flirtous and a good kisser and he makes me laugh a lot. If that's all this leads to, that's fine. If it leads to more, that's fine too, but everyone here seems to assume I want to ask him to marry me tomarrow. I'd be just fine with a guy that just wants fun.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I don't have to settle down right now either. I'd be fine with getting married in the next five years, but I don't have to get married right away either. We enjoy just casually dating. He's a fun guy to date. He's flirtous and a good kisser and he makes me laugh a lot. If that's all this leads to, that's fine. If it leads to more, that's fine too, but everyone here seems to assume I want to ask him to marry me tomarrow. I'd be just fine with a guy that just wants fun.

 

You misunderstand. He has no intention of marrying any of them EVER. He doesn't want a serious relationship and that's why he dates younger women.

[Car Chick]

You misunderstand. He has no intention of marrying any of them EVER. He doesn't want a serious relationship and that's why he dates younger women.

 

 

That would be fine for me too. If I get to a point where I am ready to get married, and he still isn't, we'll part ways. But that could happen with any guy. My brother is only 22 and he only dates girls that he won't ever have to marry too. A girl wanted to marry him and ran the other way.

[Blue Spiral]

C.C.--if you feel like older men are best for you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The "type" of people we're attracted to is an intensely personal thing, and the chances of anyone else understanding it are extremely slim.

 

As long as what you're doing is legal, worry about personal happiness first and social approval...six hundred and seventieth or so.

[Nutz]

Why do people just automatically assume that an older guy only wants sex from a younger girl? Why is it so "morally wrong"? Why is it any different from any other love situation? If I am fine with the challenges it comes with, why do people always have to be so hard on myself and my man?

 

There's nothing wrong with an older men having relationships or sex with younger women. To imply otherwise is just bitterness and jealousy in an attempt to protect one's own ego.