What is so wrong with dating older men?

[JadedStar]

Yeah he does have some baggage. The poor guy has had a horrible life. His dad abandon them and was an alcaholic and beat his mother. He grew up with 12 other brothers and as a result didn't get much attnetion (except for his brothers picking on him all the time). He's had a hard life, but he's come a long way from it. I admit it can be a challenge dealing with it sometimes because it still affects him, but I know he must have a challenge in dealing with all my baggage too, becuase I come from a long hard road as well.

 

Well that is all very sad and touching, but i learned a long time ago that i wanted a healthy relationship and i can feel compassion for people who have emotional problems due to abusive pasts but if they are still walking around with those emotional issues i have to pass on a relationship with them. I want someone who is emotionally healthy as I am and let me tell you from my own experience playing nursemaid to an emotionally crippled man is exhausting and painful.

 

If you also feel you have harmful baggage why not work on it first so that you attract healthier people? Two emotionally damaged people wno't make for a very healthy relationshp and you might not see that now, but it will eventually become dysfunctional.

 

I know there is no such thing as perfect world but I CAN speak from experience when i say once your own emotional house is in order you will attract like minded people. And I know you can't see this but a man 20 yaers older than you with the same emotional problems is a warning sign. It shows he has not done any growing in all those years. You sound more emotionally sound then he does, another bad sign.

 

I have a lot of compassion for people from broken homes, alcoholic parents, abuse, etc but I wont' date them. Not anymore. I learned the hard way. I would if they had learned and grew from their experiences but not if those experiences were still manifesting itself in severe insecurity or other similar issues. I came from a similar past myself and worked hard to overcome it.

 

I can't be anyone's savior. I had to first save myself. Once i did i no longer wanted to be anyone's nurse.

[Nutz]

It's hard to see past a 30+ man wanting more than sex out of a teenager. I'm 21 and I couldn't even imagine dating a teenager no matter how mature they are. Just something doesn't sit right with that.

 

What's wrong with that? So long as they both want the same things out of the relationship who are you to deem the relationship "bad"?

 

 

People are going to assume every possible thing about your relationship but like I said previously if you were mature and secure enough in your relationship you wouldn't worry about what others thought.

 

And we all know the saying about when you assume.

[JadedStar]

Why would a man want to date a woman his own age if he's got the option of dating a younger woman like the OP? She's young, vibrant, and at her physical peak. Those are all very attractive things, not to mention often missing with older women. Couple that with the lack of baggage older women bring to the table (ie. kids, debt, ex's, etc.) and it's a no-brainer why older men go for younger women.

 

Emotional baggage is often more prevalent in younger women.

 

Not a diss to younger women, i was one myself not that i am old now but my emotional baggage in my early 20s was WAY higher than it is today.

[Nutz]

Absoloutley. If she even mentions commitment he disappears for a while. She is just his trophy girlfriend for all his mates.

 

I was taken advantage of by a guy my ages...and when theres a big age difference the motives for taking advantage of someone are even bigger.

 

Define "taking advantage". Did he hold a gun to your head and make you date him? If you though he was only with you so he could show off to his friends, then why date him? Or was it a fringe benefit for his ego and that somehow offended you? I suspect there's way more to this story than he simply wanted some booty and something to show off. Most guys simply don't behave like that, despite what radical feminists would have you believe.

[Nutz]

You misunderstand. He has no intention of marrying any of them EVER. He doesn't want a serious relationship and that's why he dates younger women.

 

Sounds like me to an extent as I don't want to settle down either. The way I see it, life is too short to stay in one place too long. Variety is the spice of life and all that jazz. Not everyone thinks like this of course, but for myself and your uncle it's just where we're at in life. So long as guys like us are up front of it and the women don't mind going along for the ride, it's a win-win. Not everyone gets into relationships for long-term commitment. It's not that hard of a concept to grasp, but for some reason people feel that if someone's relationship goals are different from their it's somehow "wrong". That's complete and utter crap.

[Car Chick]

Define "taking advantage". Did he hold a gun to your head and make you date him? If you though he was only with you so he could show off to his friends, then why date him? Or was it a fringe benefit for his ego and that somehow offended you? I suspect there's way more to this story than he simply wanted some booty and something to show off. Most guys simply don't behave like that, despite what radical feminists would have you believe.

 

His age isn't a gun to my head either, and if I knew I was going to be treated right then it wasn't taking advantage.

 

I don't want to go into all the hurts I've had from guys my age. It's none of your business. I broke up with one once for hitting me. He was my age.

[COtuner]

Not to me. It's only twelve, like mine.

 

I'm 38 and dating a 51 year old, and our age gap causes problems.... and we're both mature adults with careers and some water under the bridge.

 

I dated a 20 year old when I was 28 and that was a complete disaster due to no shared experiences in life, no understanding of how to be self supporting and deal with the ups and downs of life.

 

When I was 19, I tried dating a 28 year old, but I was so naive and idealistic that that was a mistake.

 

Dated a 45 year old when I was 31 - again, far too much ground covered and different perspectives on life.

 

Tried the age thing a few times and I haven't had it really work yet. I really ought to be dating guys closer to my own age, say 5 years in either direction.

 

I only share this so that you will start asking tougher questions. Remember, romance fades and then you have to have something to talk about. If you want this to have a chance, you guys had better work on finding common ground in finances, politics, career goals, common interests, etc etc. That's where the rubber meets the road.

[JadedStar]

This is so often overlooked....but very important.

[Car Chick]

We have all those common grounds actually. It's not really about romance or infatuation or else it wouldn't have been able to stand for so long. It's not like we've been physical or really flirtateous. We have based our relationship on that common ground.

[Girl79]

I'm not exactly sure which guy you are talking about here, the 43 year old or the 33 year old, but I'm giving you the exact same advice from your other thread. Leave these old guys alone and date someone your own age, or hell even 5 years older if you have to! You'll thank all of us a few years from now when you actually understand what we are talking about.

[Mythical_Suicide]

We have all those common grounds actually. It's not really about romance or infatuation or else it wouldn't have been able to stand for so long. It's not like we've been physical or really flirtateous. We have based our relationship on that common ground.

 

It's not about "romance" , then what exactly is it about then? I always thought when someone was in a relationship or "in love" with someone romance played a big part in that? Or am I completely out of the loop?

 

My honest opinion is, you're infatuated with the fact that older men are attracted to you for whatever reason. You're going down a very dangerous road, leave these older men alone because you're not in it because you care or love them you're in it because you're getting attention from older men.

[Girl79]

My honest opinion is, you're infatuated with the fact that older men are attracted to you for whatever reason. You're going down a very dangerous road, leave these older men alone because you're not in it because you care or love them you're in it because you're getting attention from older men.

 

^Exactly what I said in her other thread! Fully agree with this.. I think if guys her age were treating her like these old guys are, she'd feel the same way and be "in love" with them too.

[My Advice]

I agree completely.

 

whatever beginning age should be put here-25 year olds should stay away from large age gap relationships.

 

However, 35 dating a 55 seems a lot more appropriate.

 

25 and 40s isn't a big deal. At 25 you have matured significantly.

 

There is a much bigger difference between 18 or 19 and 35 and 25 and 45 in general.

[My Advice]

In general I think the chances of a 40 yr old and a 19 yr old working is very slim. However something you are all forgetting, there isn't much chance of a 19 year old working with another 19 year old either. I don't know anybody who has met somebody for them at that age. People get uncomfortable being tied in with another person and the result is an excuse to break up that would otherwise be for something else if age itself isn't the reason.

 

And then of course some people are more dissuaded by other people's disapproval than others, as the instance of Abberlard and Heloise, the latter who was 17 and still pining for the former long after they were split apart (and back then their barriers were much more strict than something like age difference is today).

[Mutley]

How about a 40 year old man and 53 year old woman?

[My Advice]

How about a 40 year old man and 53 year old woman?

 

Why would anybody be against that? I think men should start to appreciate older women much more than they usually do.

[Mutley]

I'm a 40 year old man dating a 53 year old.

 

I agree with you.

[My Advice]

It's not about "romance" , then what exactly is it about then? I always thought when someone was in a relationship or "in love" with someone romance played a big part in that? Or am I completely out of the loop?

 

My honest opinion is, you're infatuated with the fact that older men are attracted to you for whatever reason. You're going down a very dangerous road, leave these older men alone because you're not in it because you care or love them you're in it because you're getting attention from older men.

 

why do you say this?

[Mythical_Suicide]

why do you say this?

 

Read her previous posts, pay attention to what she says and how she says it.

You'll get the idea.

[My Advice]

Read her previous posts, pay attention to what she says and how she says it.

You'll get the idea.

 

Ah, ic. Nevermind.

[My Advice]

Emotional baggage is often more prevalent in younger women.

 

Not a diss to younger women, i was one myself not that i am old now but my emotional baggage in my early 20s was WAY higher than it is today.

 

Jaded, I agree with this, as you probably already know from my other thread.

[My Advice]

I am fine with age differences. In fact more than fine.

 

 

I think you can share more than enough with somebody who is 19 in terms of politics, ideas, interests. I have quite a few 19 and 20 yr old friends, some of whom I am pretty confident I could date who have expressed interest in me. They are intelligent, have a lot to say, and we have stuff in common.

 

I am also confident I could be in a better relationship with them than most guys their age or up to 5 years older.

 

The problem with dating women who aren't old enough to drink is that they have too much emotional baggage, fluctuate too much in values, and really aren't good for anybody to be in a relationship with if you are looking for long term.

 

 

As far as an older man having sex with a 19 year old and hanging out, I have no problem with that provided they both know that is all it is about.

 

as far as other people dating younger women or men, it doesn't bother me so long as they realize the person will change so much they probably wont work.

[My Advice]

It's funny though, most young people have bad relationships when they are both the same age in their late teens or even early twenties because they both lack emotional maturity, but it is only a problem for society when one of them lacks it.

 

 

A lot of societies disapproval lies in not more seriously questioning the mores that exist around it.

 

That and a fear that older men have of men in general and that their daughters will be preyed upon more easily by an older man because they are smarter. That older women have that men will prefer younger women over them (something they shouldn't). And that younger men have that women their age will prefer older men to them.

 

 

Ironically, I don't see age problems as more problematic than youth related problems between each other but whenever somebody has a bad age gap relationship that didn't allow them to overcome or avoid possible problems, they tend to see that as the rule rather than consider that their relationships might not have been any happier with people their own age because of reasons that were related to the lack of maturity at their age.

 

 

In a nutshell= unless you are an exception, it probably wont work whether you are dating an older person or somebody your own age, but the reasons that it wont work, while possibly just as painful and valid in both instances, will be different. And because society is against it, you will dismiss one experience (the age related one) as less healthy than the other.

 

Human beings are such...habits...