how to turn him down?

[fivespot]

I dated a girl with a handicap once. It wasn't where she couldn't walk or anything like that, but she had some major health issues. And by major...well you guys have no idea and I won't get into it.

 

It was the best feeling of love I've ever had. She was in the hospital roughly for two weeks every three months and the pills she had to take like 20 pills a day.

 

But I loved her with all my heart. I never considered her less-than. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever known.

 

And she dumped me!

 

If you don't know what to tell this guy, then why tell him anything? These other posters are right. Some of us are just dealt a bad hand in this life. The world sucks...but we keep on keeping on, now don't we? What's the alternative?

[kadvati79]

I think white lies are ok to spare someones feelings. IMO its really cruel to say you are not attracted to someone and don't want to date them further.That is not necessary and down right mean. No, you don't have to lie, but there is no need whatsoever to even mention anything about attraction.

 

Why is it not necessary? And who say's white lies are "good"? How exactly do white lies spare someone's feelings? How do you decide when a white lie ends... and a real lie begins?

 

Lying is like drinking and driving. Sure, sometimes a white lie can "help" avoid a difficult situation. But how do you know when you are over the limit?

 

I think, by saying that it is "mean" to be honest - you're dehumanizing people. It's the exact same arguments that you hear from doctors, politicians, and business people - or anyone who thinks that someone cannot "handle" the truth. Sure, I don't always have the strength to be honest every time. But there is never an excuse that justifies lying. People can tell when you lie, even the white lies. It's disrespectful, just because someone is handicapped/fat/ugly/stupid does not mean they are any less entitled the truth, nor less able to deal with it, than the rest of us.

 

Always tell the pilot the condition of his vehicle... ALWAYS

 

Instead of being unkind with truth, one can always give truthful advice...

[Snoopy24]

It's not necessary to put someone down when you don't have to..

 

No you don't have to lie. You can beat around the bush. But meeting someone once or talking on a dating site and "letting them down nicley" is just being a decent human being. It's not the fact they can't "handle" the truth. Why ridicule someone just to tell them you don't want to date them? I don't really think that could get out of hand. It's someone you barley know, and most likely never talk to again.

[kadvati79]

If you're boyfriend had cheated on you two months into the relationship... would you rather know the truth (even though it hurt), you that he "let you down gently?". Different you say? How?

 

I treat others as I want them to treat me. I do anything else is to present a false situation. People can hold hope in all sorts of ways. I have many times told people that i wasn't attracted to them. I wasn't specific, or detailed, about what made them unattractive unless they asked. In several cases I explained why they weren't attractive to me.

 

I have never, EVER, regretted telling the truth. Lies, even little ones, are things I do regret.

 

Imagine how stupid, unimportant, and disrespected he would feel if he later found out the real reason? The pain would be so much worse than finding out now "I don't find you attractive". I mean, he's not stupid! It's probably occurred to him that people, on occasion, might find him unattractive. He will appreciate the honesty.

[grymoire]

Come on. Can you please stop? I don't even want to go there. If I say something here south Asian men will get furious.

 

Why do you have to worry about South Asian men getting furious with you??? This is an online forum and you are free to tell what you want to tell. Don't be afraid to say that Asian men in general have small penises.

[Snoopy24]

cheating on a significant other and letting someone down gently on a dating site aren't even remotley comparable.

 

If it were me and someone said they didn't want to date me bc I had small boobs and they weren't attracted to me, that would put me down and make me insecure. Even though I know there are plenty of guys who would still like me for me, i would really feel bad about myself if someone said that, whom I just met. I don't think I would ever find out the truth because we wouldnt have any relationship formed yet. I could "think" he was lying but that is about it. There is no reason to tell someone appearance or a handicap got in the way of dating them. In this case with the handicap, just because she doesn't want to date him doesn't mean there are many others who wouldn't. It's not his fault and it isn't something he could change..

 

I guess I'll have to agree to disagree...

[kadvati79]

If it were me and someone said they didn't want to date me bc I had small boobs and they weren't attracted to me, that would put me down and make me insecure.

 

I guess I'll have to agree to disagree...

Who says you have to be OFFENSIVE with the truth? I would say (and have many times)... "You're a great person I'm just not attracted to you". Because thats what your actions are saying by ignoring and/or lying to him. So why not try your actions with your words? If not, you're just presenting a hypocrytical view to the world, which is blindingly obvious.

[grymoire]

Correct, like you said, men use that excuse all the time. You are not pretty enough, your boobs are not big enough, you dont' make enough money, blah, blah. I dont' call these excuses. These are preferences. We all have preferences and we all have choices. I got judged and turned down b'coz I had pimples break out on my face the other day. Fine, personal preferences. The guy said "but I'm getting someone with a clear skin"

 

That's right. As much as people here want to emphasize about personality and character Dating is predominantly about physical traits. If the physical attraction is strong everything else takes a back seat.

 

As Annie has mentioned no matter how great a guy can possibly be, if he is less than 5'10" she would not date him. That's a perfect example of how important the physical stuff is for both men and women. Men usually do not worry about admitting to it but most women would. I do not know why though..

 

So bottom line.. just like a guy does not want to date you because your boobs are small you can choose not to date a guy because his penis is small.

[Snoopy24]

Who says you have to be OFFENSIVE with the truth? I would say (and have many times)... "You're a great person I'm just not attracted to you". Because thats what your actions are saying by ignoring and/or lying to him. So why not try your actions with your words? If not, you're just presenting a hypocrytical view to the world, which is blindingly obvious.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you aren't attracted to somone doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be...

 

even if you say "I have no physical attraction towards you" ..without the details, that is still being cruel, imo. It's still a negative comment about that person that doesn't need to be said.

[jengh]

I totally agree with everything Snoopy is saying. Cheating on a SO and letting someone down gently are COMPLETELY different!

[grymoire]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you aren't attracted to somone doesn't mean someone else wouldn't be...

 

even if you say "I have no physical attraction towards you" ..without the details, that is still being cruel, imo. It's still a negative comment about that person that doesn't need to be said.

 

I have to disagree with you Snoopy.

 

I have gone through enormous suffering for 3.5 years because one woman did not want to tell me the damn truth. Instead of saying "I am not attracted to you" and hurt me for 1 day she said "I will only date people from my religion" and caused me pain for 3.5 years.

 

I would prefer a straight answer any day instead of the routine BS that ppl dish out in order to be nice. They are only being cruel in my opinion.

[lenni]

this is a really interesting conversation, and it seems to me there is no 'right' answer here. i say that because people are all answering with what they would want if they were in this guy's shoes - some would want 'white lies', others would prefer that she just 'fade away', others would want complete directness and honesty.

 

i commend the original poster on wanting to act with integrity and do the least harm.

 

i'll just throw in my preferences here - i really don't like to be left hanging/wondering and prefer people to come out and say the truth! that you are not interesting in dating him is the truth. saying at least that much is better than just disappearing in my opinion.

 

i am still thinking - would i want someone to tell me if they didn't want to date me because of physical 'imperfections'? that is hard to answer.

[kadvati79]

I totally agree with everything Snoopy is saying. Cheating on a SO and letting someone down gently are COMPLETELY different!

 

My point is, they're both lies. And I have never had someone give me a definition of what is a "white lie". And nobody, including here, has ever explained to me how lying can guarantee a good result. Lying involves you making judgements about whether another person is capable of accepting the truth.

 

Snoopy was advocating telling him she had "met someone else". The result will be very obvious to that man, there's no "good" out of that lie. I think anyone who says that is demonstrating their own self esteem issues, and their lack of understanding of people with disabilities. You don't feed someone an outright lie just so you can "feel better" about not "hurting their feelings". Fact: You are going to hurt their feelings anyway with your ACTIONS... why not make your words add up.

[grymoire]

Yup, kudos to Tinu for not wanting to leave him hanging there. IMO she must tell the real reason.

[LAYAAN]

Why do you have to worry about South Asian men getting furious with you??? This is an online forum and you are free to tell what you want to tell. Don't be afraid to say that Asian men in general have small penises.

I'm not worried about their getting furious. I just don't want to talk about unnecessary things and call for trouble. He may have it big or small, I don't care about it at this stage.

I really just wanted to keep things short and sweet and down to business. I was just looking for how can I say certain things to him.

[LAYAAN]

I agree with snoopy for the most part.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I appreciate that. I didn't think this thread would get so many replies and would start a sub-discussion here.

The point is to tell the truth but how is the Q. Man! I wish things were not this hard. To do the right thing is also hard these days.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'd rather be lied to - but a disclaimer here, I've just had my little finger amputated, and I would be crushed if some random dude on a website turned me down because he was repulsed by it...

 

In fairness, I am a bit all over the place at the moment, lol.

 

I don't see why she has to go into brutal details. Vague but honest.

 

And Tinu, I know I should be supportive here, but I know you've been looking for the ideal man for ages. Would be ironic if he were it and you turned him down simply because he wasn't 'perfect'?

[LAYAAN]

HoneyPumpkin,

Yes, I would like to marry my ideal match. We all would like to. True, but I'm not looking for one. I'm looking for a man that I can live with on a day-to-day basis. I'm looking for a man that is good enough. You might say "so you are willing to settle now!" Yes, I'm. I've some areas that are absolutely non-negotiable and they are very few. As long as they match, I'm okay with other differences.

"Being medically healthy" is a non-negotiable area for me. I was in a quasi relationship with a diabetic man (was diabetic in his 20s and kept it hidden from me initially till I was emotionally hooked) for a long time and I don't want to go through that helpless feeling anymore.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

just a short leg is not an issue for me. It brings ankle, hip isuses, problems in the way one walks, etc. which means I'll have to go on a date with him and see if he is okay or not. I dont' want him to go through all this and then get turned down.

I'm not a racist. I'm a south Asian myself. Why in the world would I think about a man's tool so early during the dating process! There are other things to think about.

 

 

I think you are totally jumping the gun on this one. He is not in a wheelchair, he is not paralyzed, he does not have a leg amputated. If he is fully functional then it is not as if he is dependent on anyone. He can have no more hip and joint problems than a runner or someone who does constant body punishing exercises. 10 years from now you have no idea if you are going to be walking funny from daily wear and tear on the body. It is your choice if you are not interested but I would say in the grand scheme of disabilities this is not something that is earthshattering.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

HoneyPumpkin,

Yes, I would like to marry my ideal match. We all would like to. True, but I'm not looking for one. I'm looking for a man that I can live with on a day-to-day basis. I'm looking for a man that is good enough. You might say "so you are willing to settle now!" Yes, I'm. I've some areas that are absolutely non-negotiable and they are very few. As long as they match, I'm okay with other differences.

"Being medically healthy" is a non-negotiable area for me. I was in a quasi relationship with a diabetic man (was diabetic in his 20s and kept it hidden from me initially till I was emotionally hooked) for a long time and I don't want to go through that helpless feeling anymore.

 

 

So what happens when you get older and health issues crop up? I know people who were diagnosed as diabetic into their thirties or so. Would you dump someone the minute they became unhealthy? Your own health is not guaranteed. How is someone's diabetes, if they are managing it well, impacting you? I think you have a very unrealistic expectation of people....you may get someone who is the picture of physical health but is emotionally messed up. You can be with someone who is absolutely perfect emotionally and physically and then one day they trip and fall forever creating knee and ankle problems so that they walk with a limp and are limited in how long they could walk or stand. That's just life.

[LAYAAN]

right, I agree crazyaboutdogs, but we are talking about today.

My parents n myself have faced an accident when I was a little girl. I know that life can throw anything at you. But you are selecting a person based on who he is today.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

right, I agree crazyaboutdogs, but we are talking about today.

My parents n myself have faced an accident when I was a little girl. I know that life can throw anything at you. But you are selecting a person based on who he is today.

 

 

Who someone is on December 8th could change in a heartbeat on December 9th. You have no idea if the supposedly healthy person you meet today will see you 5 dates from now having just been diagnosed with diabetes. The person you dated who didn't tell you about his diabetes had every right in the world not to tell you until he saw where the relationship was going. It is not like he kept an addiction hidden from you or a terminal illness hidden from you.

[LAYAAN]

Who someone is on December 8th could change in a heartbeat on December 9th. You have no idea if the supposedly healthy person you meet today will see you 5 dates from now having just been diagnosed with diabetes. The person you dated who didn't tell you about his diabetes had every right in the world not to tell you until he saw where the relationship was going. It is not like he kept an addiction hidden from you or a terminal illness hidden from you.

wow, do you really think so? this is something new to me. I don't think so. If he had diabetes and he knew it, he should share it with me on our 2nd or 3rd date. If he didn't know I understand that.

But I see your point here and I agree with what you wrote except for the blue lines.

[grymoire]

wow, do you really think so? this is something new to me. I don't think so. If he had diabetes and he knew it, he should share it with me on our 2nd or 3rd date. If he didn't know I understand that.

But I see your point here and I agree with what you wrote except for the blue lines.

 

Of course Tinu. Why is anyone obligated to tell you their personal information or life history on a 2nd or 3r date??? You my dear surely have one helluva lot of expectations...

[Honey Pumpkin]

wow, do you really think so? this is something new to me. I don't think so. If he had diabetes and he knew it, he should share it with me on our 2nd or 3rd date. If he didn't know I understand that.

But I see your point here and I agree with what you wrote except for the blue lines.

 

Why on earth should he share that with you? Well, you fancy who you fancy Tinu, I grant you that. But to be honest, I think you might come accross as a wee bit shallow and superficial; I hope that you are prepared to have someone hold a magnifying glass up to all your flaws in return...