I think I lost her forever

[JT4266]

I broke up with her a year ago and I hurt her bad. There were a few reasons, some valid some not but looking back and evaluating it now I wouldn't make the same decision that I did.

 

In our year apart she and I have remained friends, seeing each other and talking on the phone every so often, but gradually it was less and less. When friends would ask why I still would see her I would simply say "I still love her". The said the words and meant them but its funny how it never hit home how deeply I truly cared for her. Until recently that is. This is what I believe is called a revelation. So in Oct I began the process of writing her a letter, to reveal how I really felt and how sorry I was at what had happened. It took me weeks to write, crumpling up a letter thinking it wasn't good enough or sounded stupid but towards the end of Oct I sent it to her and a week later I got an email back from her.

 

She said it was bittersweet to get a letter like that, how she had written similar letters crying and thrown them away, and how she had been waiting for a letter like that from me for a long time. But now she's dating someone, and things are going well and she doesn't want to jeopardize things.

 

I of course wasn't naive enough to think she hadn't been dating someone but the reality hit me like a punch in the stomach and just like that I felt heartbroken. That night I called her and left her a voicemail - I needed to know if she still loved me. I never got a response to my message and the following week I sent her a text message to try to meet with her to talk and her response was simply that "why do you need to see me so bad after all this time" and "I don't want to confuse things between us".

 

I accepted that and wrote her another letter reiterating my feelings and letting her know that I would always care for her and maybe someday down the road things would change. That was about 3 weeks ago and I haven't contacted her since except to text happy thanksgiving which was reciprocated.

 

So I know that I should back off. I know she's dating someone else and that she has moved past me and the hurt that I caused. I still can't stop thinking about her though, can't stop loving her. Every day I think of things that I want to say or things that I could have changed - been beating myself up quite a bit.

 

Have I really lost her forever? Should I never contact her again - not even to send an Xmas card? Every part of me wants to fight for her but my head is saying its not fair to her....

[JadedStar]

I wouldn't contact her. Let the ball be in her court and if she wants to she can. She knows where you stand now.

 

I don't blame her at all for not wanting to jeopardize her new realtionship. It should not take a year to come to this epiphony. For you it did, but for her that is too much of a warning sign. The likelihood that the issues will repeat again are pretty likely even tho you don't feel that in your mind right now.

 

You're going to have to let her go.

 

Let me ask you this - did finding out she was dating someone else prompt your epiphony a great deal? Are you sure this isn't just about the realization that now she is truly unobtainable and thus much more desirable? Why did it take finding out she was dating to really fast forward you to this place?

 

Please do not confuse your jealousy with deep love. I know you will tell me that wasn't all of it but i wonder how much of it really did come from her seeing another man.

 

Many people think they have healed until they hear about their ex dating someone and then usually it is like someone punched them in the stomach and they break down and relapse for awhile...

[JT4266]

I can see where someone would think that this is a reaction to her dating someone else. I have thought long and hard about it. I had no idea she was dating someone when I sent her the first letter. Finding out about it in her email back to me made her rejection of me hurt more certainly.

 

It shouldn't have taken a year to truly realize these feelings - but it did. I know in my head I'm too late. I hope she is very happy in her relationship. But I also hope that we can be happy together. Maybe I'm just being selfish.....

[Jay_Bird]

he only feel like that

 

cause she got the upper hand,she found someone else

 

 

and now he feels like she is the love of his life,which is not true

 

 

the love of your life wouldn't even do some * * * * like that to him

[justletgo07]

The best way you can show her that you love her, and I mean REALLY love her, is to show her that you want her to be happy, even with it means she is with someone else. I'd send her your best wishes, and back away. Contacting her like you are is not communicating that you love her. It is saying "I want things my way. Why can't we do things when and how I want to do them?" It's just pressure pressure pressure. Pressuring her is the best way to ensure any feelings she has left for you are extinguished.

 

Best of luck, buddy.

[waveseer]

^^^ I agree with jlg above. If you love her, let her go.

[Jay_Bird]

once she hooked up with that other dude

 

 

everything is out of your hands

 

its nothing on this planet in the entire universe that you can do

 

to change her mind

 

 

all you can do,is stop making yourself look desperate and change your life

 

now your going to go through hell,feel like you won't find anbody better

 

trust me bro,there is always better

 

she can come back next month,or a year from now

 

but you need to move on,if you stay and try to get her back,your going to make yourself look desperate,push her away and never ever have a chance to get her again

[JT4266]

Well I hope my letters didn't come accross as desperation but as a true heartfelt explanation of my feelings. I knew I would have to let it go but obviously its hard. I've been getting out there and dating but my heart's not into it.

 

I have only myself to blame for this though and I appreciate all of your responses and advice. So would you send her an XMas card just wishing her well?

[JadedStar]

I still wonder if deep down you didn't think she had moved on and that is driving some of this, coupled with loneliness and regret. I think most people who break up with someone experience a lot of regret and they start to almost romanticize everything about that person and the break up, when reality is there would not have been a break up if things had not gone way sour.

 

Use what you learned during your time with her for new relationships in the future.

[JT4266]

I can see how people can look at my situation and think that this is just pain over her moving on and seeing someone else - and there is no doubt that some of what I'm feeling is fueled by that. But I truly love her. In our year apart I thought of her daily and I guess always thought that one day we would be together again when we both were in a better place.

 

I did the breaking up and its not fair of me to have expected anything different from the current situation. It just hurts so much - reflecting back on how I could have done things differently, wondering if she still does love me, not being able to share my life with her.

 

I know this is out of my hands and I can't call her or write and not push her away further. But I do intend to send her an XMas card to wish her well and let her know that I still care.