After 18 months, I'm finally in NC

[CrapAtNC]

Ha! Well, I've never hidden the fact that I'm pretty bad at this. ](*,)

 

I've just decided that staying in touch is doing nothing for me, and I'm only supporting a behaviour that I don't want. I felt that putting up with crap, letting the insults fly past me, and enduring 18 months of heartache would show that I'm strong, dedicated, serious about being with her. But in reality I've just been showing I'm a wuss.

 

We no longer have fun. We no longer spend relaxed time together. We no longer make each other laugh. She won't allow it. She is determined to prove that I mean nothing to her.

 

I remained nonchalant, and that worked - even brought her back for a spell - but now I need to raise it up a notch and completely walk away, which I've already done.

 

100 percent NC has started.

 

She called me on Saturday night, I ignored it and replied later with a 'What's up?' text. She replied she called me accidentally. I said nothing. Then she sent a text this morning asking me to help with something. I ignored it. Then she just called me this afternoon. I ignored it. It feels better than I thought it would.

 

So, just one question, though I think I know the answer: Should I respond occasionally, or not at all? What kind of messages should I respond to? Is it better to respond to one in three, as the books suggest?

 

I want to get back with her, but not until that wall around her heart shows signs that it might crumble. I won't accept the insults and rude behaviour any more (she puts on a big show about how much she hates me). But I do want to reward good behaviour. I'm thinking I should respond, just briefly at least, to nicer messages, to encourage that kind of behaviour. But should I go completely NC for a while first?

 

Lots of questions, I know.

 

I'm fine - actually pretty good. Seeing someone else - young and lovely. But I do still believe that my ex is the one; she knows it, too, and thus her guard remains up as she's terrified of getting hurt again, so she tells me.

 

I'm still leaving this country to go back to England and am now busy making that happen (paperwork and saving).

 

Looking forward to your much appreciated advice, as always.

 

 

Crap

[Nearwater]

You could try the dramatic,

"please don't ever contact me again until you can be civil, goodbye"

[CrapAtNC]

Well, I already told her I can't be around her until she is either over me or realizes that we should be together. That was a couple of weeks ago.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Incivility is unacceptable. However, it sounds to me like you are playing games..you want to reward her nice behaviour and snub her at other times. What good would that do..how will that bring her closer to you? You told her you can't be around her unless she makes a decision one way or the other. Maybe that should extend to any form of contact...text, email, phone, message in a bottle. If she is rude to you then you should walk away completely to show her you won't be treated like that. But don't play wishy wasy games of sometimes you will respond and sometimes you won't. That would make you no better than her.

[Sparkie]

100 percent NC has started.

 

She called me on Saturday night, I ignored it and replied later with a 'What's up?' text.

 

He he. Well maybe start tomorrow then!

 

I'm not sure about the selectively responding thing. If you're seeing someone else, leaving the country, having no fun with ex, being insulted by her etc, how do you see it playing out?

 

I say just get on with life, and do what seems natural. Don't overthink it. And when you leave for England, I think you'll have your answer.

[Lugh]

Well in my book NC is exactly what it says on the tin--- No Contact , you are either doing it for yourself to help you heal or not.

 

Its not a tool to get at your ex its a way of avoiding contact with someone who is dragging you down.

 

you need to make up your mind what YOU want and then stick to it.

[coolgurl]

You have a wonderful thread on NC, where you list 40 different reasons to go NC. Read it carefully!! I will say to go NC completely, no answering phone calls, no texts, no nothing.....when are you leaving for England?

 

Do you think if she comes back she'll move with you to England? If you really want her to know that you are leaving, let her know when you have a real date...and if she loves you, she'll come back, else move on.....

 

Good Luck!

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks, coolgurl - I did go back and read that again and it's helped.

 

I'm not playing games - some people just don't have the right models to work from in these situations and need one presented to them. A more secure person wouldn't be responding to every attempt at contact, but I always do, which hasn't helped (me or her). Having a method to follow (respond to one in three) is a way to help me adopt a new behaviour; it's not a game (if it were I wouldn't want to be playing it).

 

I'm leaving for England as soon as I have the money saved, but of course I'd like to reconcile with her if she's able to come out from behind that - now barbed - wall.

 

I still haven't responded. Her colleague contacted me via MSN, to chat about our work, which hasn't happened before; I guess the NC is working on him!

 

And late last night I got a group email from the ex - just a cute news story she knew I'd be interested in - but it's something she hasn't done in a long time, as it basically says we're friends (whereas she's been telling everyone how much she hates me).

 

It's a seemingly minor thing, but when all previous communication from her was hateful and cruel, it's actually a big step in the right direction.

 

So, I'm carrying on as is. I need this NC period. I'm not using it as a technique to get her back but I am using it as a way to end hostilities, as it were. I may go LC after a while, but for now I'm not even responding about work-related stuff (I don't work with her now anyway).

 

I've a lot of personal matters to work on, including finding a job that will pay enough for me to move back to Ol' Blighty, but I'm feeling pretty damned good actually.

 

Still dating others, but with no desire to get further involved at this point.

 

Anyway, Day 4 of 100% NC and counting - previous best was 3 weeks, and we ended up going on vacation together after that; according to my calculations, 3 months of NC should see her sending me poetry and 5.5 months should see us getting married. LOL!

 

GettingBetterAtNC (formerly known as Crap)

[CrapAtNC]

Its not a tool to get at your ex its a way of avoiding contact with someone who is dragging you down.

 

That's exactly why I'm doing it, but I would like to reconcile in the future (if she can lose the meanness that's so prevalent these days).

 

Another email from her this afternoon, just telling me about some people who wanted to get hold of me. She had no need to tell me; she gave them my number anyway. It's nice she's letting me know.

 

But, as Lugh pointed out, I'm avoiding that ugly pattern that we've been stuck in, so I won't respond. We have big bust-ups, I'll apologize or tell her I don't want us to fall out and drift apart, she'll be friendly again but with her guard up, and before long will be just looking for tiny things to blow up and use as evidence that she's right to protect herself from me (all the while ignoring the fantastic things I do for her, wonderful way I treat her, and easy-going nature I display).

 

This is becoming interesting though ... but I'm focusing on one of my dates now - she's lovely ...

 

Ho hum ...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not sure where you are living now, but if you are planning on moving back to England and her job is where she is now, how do you figure there would be any chance of long-term possibility...because ultimately in an LDR relationship there has to be an agreement that one person will move to be in the same place as the other person otherwise it just stays LDR forever. So by moving, you are in essense saying, "if you want me you will have to now move to where I am living". Considering that she is wishy washy about this...and probably is comfortable and settled in her current job, how likely is it that she would quit her job and move to where you are. I think you need to look at this realistically...you are planning to go your separate way and thereforee even if at some point she does come around, by you picking up and leaving back to your home country, you are pretty much squashing the possibility of a long-term future with her if her career is going well where she is now.

[CrapAtNC]

Good question.

 

I'm pretty set on leaving. I thought about what I'd do if we got back - whether I'd stay - and I'm sure I'm still going to go back.

 

She likes her job, but she also likes England, and living in foreign lands. I intend to move back to Asia in a couple of years, after my Master's, so it's possible there would be a future ... and it might actually take two years for her to lose this crazy, unfair, mean way of responding to me.

 

I need to go back. I miss my family, and I have a lot of matters to tend to there, so the ball would be in her court and remain there.

 

Having said all that, I'm very tired of the current state of affairs, so I'm happy either way: leaving it all behind, or starting afresh.

 

For now I'm focusing on just getting my crap together ...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I bet you used the word crap on purpose, given your username . If you start "afresh" you will have to change your name from "crap"...maybe to "bed of roses".

 

I think you better deal with the reality that she may never get her act together. It is not worth being with someone who is wishy washy and blows hot and cold. You take care of your life...she had her chance.

[CrapAtNC]

Thank you, CAD, and of course you're right. I really am moving on - things are going swimmingly with the new girl ... but - you're gonna kill me - she has a boyfriend. ](*,)

 

They've never slept together (both Christian) ... it's getting worse, isn't it.

 

Anyway, I'm having fun, and I'm now in the reality of understanding there's no point even spending time with my ex - let alone getting bak with her - until she's changed completely ... and I just don't see that happening.

 

The new girl is lovely, but my ex keeps popping into my head at the most inopportune moments.

 

Still, now starting my 8th day of NC and it's looking like it might become a record-breaker.

[SpeedingCars]

Playing games will make her resent you and in turn, MORE nasty behavior will ensue.

 

She broke up with you, right?

[CrapAtNC]

Hi, SC.

 

I did address the 'game-playing' issue earlier in the thread. It's not a game to me; it's just a way I can learn to adopt less destructive behaviours, by following a simple model.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you, CAD, and of course you're right. I really am moving on - things are going swimmingly with the new girl ... but - you're gonna kill me - she has a boyfriend. ](*,)

 

They've never slept together (both Christian) ... it's getting worse, isn't it.

 

Anyway, I'm having fun, and I'm now in the reality of understanding there's no point even spending time with my ex - let alone getting bak with her - until she's changed completely ... and I just don't see that happening.

 

The new girl is lovely, but my ex keeps popping into my head at the most inopportune moments.

 

Still, now starting my 8th day of NC and it's looking like it might become a record-breaker.

 

 

So this new girl is cheating on her boyfriend with you...yep, she definitely sounds like a keeper ](*,)

[waveseer]

Christians cheat too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Christians cheat too.

 

Yep...Jim Baker, Oral Roberts.......

[CrapAtNC]

She's lovely - really.

 

It seems like they don't have anything like what we would consider a proper bf/gf relationship. She says she's staying with him because they're business partners.

 

Anyway, she's gorgeous and fun and affectionate and sexy, and I'm having fun with no commitment. I thought I'd feel bad about the other guy, but he's never around and they're not physical, so ... it's weird. Maybe she just tells me she has a bf for some reason ... i dunno.

 

Not the ideal situation (once again), but I'm not looking for such just yet.

 

No word from the ex for a few days. I know she would have been partying last night and has taken the day off work today. Not expecting or desiring any more communication from her.

 

I'm seeing this as an interim period in my life - a stepping stone not so much towards something as away from someone.

 

It's good that I'm getting my rebounding out of the way with women who want nothing more from me than a bit of fun ... at least I'm not breaking any hearts.

 

Ho hum ...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She says she's staying with him because they're business partners.

 

but he's never around and they're not physical, so ... it's weird. Maybe she just tells me she has a bf for some reason ... i dunno.

 

There is a bridge in New York that is up for sale...are you interested in buying! This woman is using the classic cheaters' lines: "not sleeping together" "not happy", "just friends", "just business partners", "a relationship of convenience". You say you don't feel sorry for the other guy..but you don't know what is really going on...you just hear her side of things...a side from someone who wants to cheat..they are not the most reliable source of information regarding the state of their relationship. There are lots of single and available women with whom you can have no strings attached fun.

[CrapAtNC]

Where are they? On that bridge? Then I'll buy it! :splat:

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I think the Brooklyn Bridge is already spoken for but it could be the Tappan Zee bridge or the Verrazano Narrows bridge!

 

Anyway, I think you should really do some thinking about the kind of person you want to be...do you really want to be the type who goes after someone else's partner? 10 years from now will you be proud of that accomplishment or will you be embarrassed to say you did that.

[CrapAtNC]

Truth is ... I've always done this. Don't know why. Friends' girlfriends; strangers' girlfriends. That's how I got my nose broken ...

 

Haven't done it for about 10 years though ... I think ... well, I stole someone away from her bf, but she didn't cheat on him ... we just chatted and flirted until they broke up.

 

But, no, I don't want to be this kind of person. I wanted to be with the ex forever ... actually, she cheated on her rebound with me ... ](*,)

 

Should I be reading something into this?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Check out the man in the mirror. Contributing to the break up of someone else's relationship is not a very nice thing to do.

[CrapAtNC]

She wanted to leave him, and, like so many women, needed another relationship to go straight into. I'm not going to feel bad about that - it's life.