Avoiding flatmate's bogan boyfriend

[Lucy__lou]

So I live in a share house situation and one of the girls I live with has in my opinion, appallingly low standards in the men she dates.

 

I'm thinking of letting him know that I don't like his company, but that's pretty full on so I could use some second opinons here.

 

So here's the background.

 

I've developed a distatste for her latest boyfriend, and avoid being in the lounge room/ kitchen when he's around, which is almost every evening, and many mornings. I was friendly with him at first when I met him, and found him interesting and fine, but once it registered with me that he was going to be a very regular fixture in my house, I started to have a problem.

 

I don't like men very much, especially straight men or macho guys. But he seems to have taken a shine to me, and my housemate told me in front of him that he's really intrigued by me. My housemate told me that he was really upset that she said that and that she'd ruined things between him and me. It happened about a week or two after I had already started to have a strong distaste for him. Now he probably thinks my avoiding him and not even wanting to talk to him or look him in the face more than a minimum is because of an awkwardness created by what my flatmate said, but really, I just don't like him, and don't want to connect with him because he's yuck to me, in his manner.

 

I don't have a problem with him finding me fascinating, I think better of him for it, because if he thinks I'm cool, then he can't be all bad, but I just don't want to connect with him, because I find his manner yuck, the way he swears, the way he doesn't make any effort in his appearance, the way he talks as if people care what he has to say when maybe they don't. He's really a nice guy I'm sure, but I don't like his kind.

 

I know I'm being a b**** but that's how I feel. I'm even reluctant to invite friends over for tea, because then there's a chance he'll want to hang out with us.

 

So I'm thinking of telling him. I'm thinking of confronting him and telling him that what my housemate said about him being very intrigued by me has not creeped me out at all and that if he finds me interesting then that's a compliment and I'm happy for him to know more about me, but that I don't like his company very much, because I don't like men, especially straight men, and there have been not many straight men in our house for a long time, and I'm a little bit put out that that's changed. It's really rude I know, but at the moment, he's making an effort to be friendly and put me at ease, and I don't need to be put at ease, I just want him to respect the fact that I don't like his company, and its not personal, but more a distaste for most men, especially macho guys, and that there's nothing he can do do fix it, so he should just learn to live with it, and maybe not spend SO much time in my kitchen/lounge room.

 

So what do people think? should I say anything?

[jenny_mcs]

I think you should imagine how you would feel if you were hanging out at your gf or bf's place and one of their roomates said to you, "I really don't like you. It's not personal, I just find bisexual women very distasteful."

[i_win]

I really don't see how saying something would benefit the situation at all. If anything it will make it even worse. If he's going to be around then I think you are better off just trying to see the positive in him and befriend him. I also think your opinion of "straight men" while honest is in fact a personal problem of yours and might be something you should work on trying to improve. Just a suggestion. I think it's closed minded to completely shut out an individual just because he falls into a certain category of men.

[Lucy__lou]

Well yes, I really do need to put myself in his shoes.

 

I have been in situations where a lover's flatmate has been really rude to me and obviously disliked me. I racked my brains trying to figure out what he had against me, but of course I never found out. I guess it would have been really harsh if he came right out and told me, but at the same time, it hurt anyway.

 

So the situation right now isn't great. I'd like to do something to improve it. So any constructive suggestions would be appreciated. Do I simply have to force myself to like him somehow? or resign myself to hiding in my room until the relationship ends? She's leaving at the end of the year, so it's not a huge deal. But I'd like to be able to enjoy my home for the next few months too.

 

Another reason why I am considering the confrontational option is that my experience in life has shown me that often we are drawn to people we have something to learn from. These people often don't like us because we represent something they have fought to free themselves of (e.g. mainstream social conditioning). The growing pain is the hurt from rejection from these people, but we rack our brains to try to find a way to be accepted by them. We remember them because they make an impact on us, whether it's in a cruel rejection, or taking us under their wing and teaching us to be more like them. Sometimes the best outcome can be achieved if we stop aiming for equality and mutual appreciation, and one person leads and the other follows. The person who has something to learn follows. In this instance, if this guy finds me so fascinating, maybe he wants to learn to be less macho. Maybe if we agreed that in our relationship, I should be boss and he should shut up and learn, we could get on with things in a relationship of mutual respect, but one way teaching. What do you think?

[i_win]

Have you considered having a talk with your roomate? I'd just tell her that you are really happy for her and her relationship, but him being there all the time makes you feel a little uncomfortable and like a prisoner in your own home. Then suggest that they split up their time between your flat and her flat...or cut back the amount of time that he is over there? Just tell her it's nothing personal.

 

And yeah, if she's leaving at the end of the year maybe you should just deal with it for a few more months?

[saltandvinegar]

I think you should imagine how you would feel if you were hanging out at your gf or bf's place and one of their roomates said to you, "I really don't like you. It's not personal, I just find bisexual women very distasteful."

 

I Understand the whole bogan thing- honestly I do. But I agree with the above post, and not to incite an argument I find that this may be a case of heterophobia.

 

Is it the fact that he is a bogan, or the fact that he is straight that bothers you?

 

Why dont you try for one day, to pretend to liek him, or look for good things in him. Im sure there is something.

 

But honestly i know the demographics involved here, however I feel its just maybe your own prejudices coming up.

 

And i have to say being friends with a lot of gay women/ men in the past, they can be really judgemental and quite nasty to straight people/ bogans/ marrieds- which is exactly the same behaviour those same gay people complain about. I have seen examples of this over and over again.

 

I dont think you have any right to say you dont like him to his face , or anyone elses face. Its not going to help the vibe in the household.

 

Put yourself in his position- you have a girlfriend and spend a lot of time at her house- and she happens to have a flatmate who is a straight man, and he takes a dislike to you because he doesnt like gay women, or alternate "interesting women". He finds them pretentious and annoying...

 

Would that be fair?

[Syntax1985]

yeah if its only a few months i don't see why you have to risk anything to be honest.

 

i think you should just give this guy a chance, maybe if he knew you a bit more hed be abit more understanding to your needs.

[Lucy__lou]

thanks for the responses. And thanks for not being reactionary, which sometimes happens here. Yes, I know, I'm expressing wanton heterophobia, which is possibly enough to get this thread blocked, but it's not like the straights are some persecuted minority. And besides, I judge people on their personalities, not on their sexual orientation, but it just so happens that a huge raft of cultural behaviours which I despise, i.e. machoism, lack of regard for one's personal aesthetics, are practiced unthinkingly by a lot of straight men. If a straight man is conscious of these traits which society has taught him, and defies them or simply acknowledges them, I respect him more. But more often than not, this behaviour is carried out unthinkingly.

 

I'm going to take your advice syntax. I'm going to do what I can to put him at ease, and stop avoiding him as much. I'll give him a chance. But I'll bring in the trojan horse where in amidst our friendly and polite, non confrontational conversations, he'll get to see what my values are on certain things. they won't be directed at him personally, but he'll get the hint, and he'll know that if he's around me and wants to act like a bogan, that I won't be digging it. I'll be subtle though. promise.

 

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated

[Syntax1985]

im straight, i pluck my eyebrows. i shave, i work out, i iron my clothes, i take alot of pride in my appearance. sorry but i think you have a pretty judgemental view on straight people, which lets face it, is what homosexuals or bi's are always complaining about like salt and vinegar said.

 

funnily enough the only "macho" guys i know are gay.

 

i don't agree with your reasons, but i agree with your plan for actions. whos know you may end up liking this guy

[DN]

Maybe if we agreed that in our relationship, I should be boss and he should shut up and learn, we could get on with things in a relationship of mutual respect, but one way teaching. What do you think?

I think that is an oxymoron.

 

I think you don't respect him at all and that your desire to 'teach' him is more a desire to humiliate him - and acting on that impulse would be extremely rude and disrespectful.

 

Before someone thinks of themselves as a teacher it is as well to make sure that they are expert enough and knowledgeable enough to undertake such a task - especially when their advice has not been solicited.

[Lucy__lou]

of course it would need to be consensual. I do believe that I may have something to teach him. If not, then there is no reason for him to be intrigued by me. I believe there is such thing as relationships where there is simultaneous respect and inequality, if both people agree to the inequality for the sake of learning. but I'll leave it at that.

[saltandvinegar]

thanks for the responses. And thanks for not being reactionary, which sometimes happens here. Yes, I know, I'm expressing wanton heterophobia, which is possibly enough to get this thread blocked,

 

Not any more than homophobia would.

[saltandvinegar]

Im sorry but this just sounds so arrogant. Why do you consider yourself a "teacher 'simply because you are gay and he is straight?

 

He might be a very happy person, and might not want your "teachings'. And who's to say that your life is any better than his? Or that his life experiences have not in fact, given him far more infinite wisdom than you have yourself ??????

 

Again, this is just heterophobia, and maybe just old fashioned snobbery based on class, or socio-economic background.

 

As George Costanza once said "We live in a society!!!!! " Accept other peoples differences, and don't assume one person is "better" than another.

 

I hazard a guess that he is "intrigued" by you because you are walking around the kitchen with a very unfriendly look.

 

How old are you?

[DN]

of course it would need to be consensual. I do believe that I may have something to teach him. If not, then there is no reason for him to be intrigued by me. I believe there is such thing as relationships where there is simultaneous respect and inequality, if both people agree to the inequality for the sake of learning. but I'll leave it at that.

I think you would probably have at least as much to learn from him and from this situation as you would have to teach.

[Lucy__lou]

I know I'm being arrogant.

 

But he's in my home.

[DN]

I know I'm being arrogant.

 

But he's in my home.

Which also means he is a guest. Maybe not your guest but a guest nonetheless.

[Lucy__lou]

Im sorry but this just sounds so arrogant. Why do you consider yourself a "teacher 'simply because you are gay and he is straight?

 

I'm not Gay. I'm just bi. And I don't consider myself a teacher. And it's not about sexuality anyway. All I'm saying is that I'm not interested in trying to be equal with him because his ways repell me. The best I can offer him is one way, me talking him listening. Otherwise, I prefer to just hide in my room.

I hazard a guess that he is "intrigued" by you because you are walking around the kitchen with a very unfriendly look. How old are you?

I'm 29. He became intrigued back when I was friendly and open, and talking freely with him. But then he just started to get at me, and he was always around.

 

Yes I'm being a snob. Yes I think I'm being classist. Although I'm from a working class background. But I rejected a lot of the things I don't like about working class culture, such as machoism.

 

You know what it is? A lot of guys adopt the macho way to fit in, but it makes them miserable. Then when they meet people who actively reject that big part of social conditioning, (especially unapologetically effeminate men) they are intrigued. They want to experience that world. They need it. But the people in that world are repulsed by the macho man. Until he humbles himself and begins to give up that priviledge he gets from subscribing to the macho world, why should they bother welcoming him? He's what they're running from. And he chases them, saying "I'm just like you, I'm not really macho on the inside either" but he forgets that he's wearing these ugly clothes, and ugly haircut, and hasn't looked in the mirror in ten years. He's still speaking in the same macho language that men use to reinforce their toughness. It's repulsive to those who've been brave enough to reject that world, but to the guy who hasn't questioned it until now, he carries all those behaviours unconsciously. If he wants in to the gentle world, he has to change himself and become a real allay.

[DN]

Otherwise, I prefer to just hide in my room.

 

Perhaps this would be the better option. I think your other plan is likely to cause offence to more than one person and make life even more awkward.

[arwen]

I think you should separate the 'annoying extra person in my space' issue from the general judgements that you seem to have to straight men. I totally understand how sharing a house leads to these annoyances, I have lived with others for about 10 years, and also had their boyfriends being there all the time.

 

At my university, I share the office with someone who represents something that I really struggle with, and he used to annoy me with everything that he did. Until my bf told me that my this office mate would probably even annoy me when he said 'hi' in the morning (which in fact was true), and I realized that the problem was me, not him.

 

Your roommate's bf is not only taking up space and making you feel like you are sharing the house with more persons than you signed up for, he is also someone who represents something that you strongly dislike, for some reason. And that latter bit is not his responsibility, nor is it your roommate's. So if there is anything to 'learn' in this situation, my guess is that it is also a lesson for you, i.e. to find out why exactly this person is so disturbing to you.

[lady00]

What is "bogan"?

[DN]

link removed

[purpleduckie]

how do you deal with other social situations? do you enjoy putting people down/rejecting people?

[Syntax1985]

how do you deal with other social situations? do you enjoy putting people down/rejecting people?

 

as she stated in her first post, she knows her views are shallow and wrong but she doesn't care, she's happy with them, id just leave it alone tbh.

[lady00]

Well, thing is...this really seems to only affect you, because you feel like you can't be in the common areas when he's around. So really, it amounts to whether or not being able to roam freely in your apartment is something that matters to you. If yes, you're going to have to treat him with politeness because he's a guest in your home. If not, then continue on as before.

[Lucy__lou]

how do you deal with other social situations? do you enjoy putting people down/rejecting people?

 

I have problems. I won't deny it. And no, of course I don't enjoy putting people down and rejecting them. I started this thread because I want to be able to invite people around to visit, and this guy's presense is making me think twice about using my home as a place to catch up with people. I considered canceling a dinner party because of him. So my not liking him is a problem, which is why I'm here talking about it.

 

I'm increasingly starting to think that my best option is to make more of an effort to be nice to him and try to accept him.