Avoiding flatmate's bogan boyfriend

[bulletproof]

That comment about having one's nose rubbed in the fact that men can get away with looking awful was a side comment, and general, not specifically targeted at this guy. But he does dress shabbily, and appears not to make an effort. So he has been put in that category. I have less regard for men who make no effort in their appearance. I find it disrespectful to society when they think it doesn't matter. And it's part of Australian macho culture that ridicules men for taking too much pride in their appearance. So men who defy that ridicule and still try to look nice are going against what macho culture tells them to do, and for that they have my support and respect. And the men who don't go against it, well I resent them.

 

Did you ever consider the fact that maybe he's just a bad dresser and doesn't even realize it? I don't always dress as well as I should, but I'm certainly not disrespecting anyone but myself when I do that. Unless it's some kind of formal occasion, in which case it might possibly be construed as disrespectful to the celebrants. But he's just sitting in your kitchen... what exactly should he be wearing?

 

Honestly, I just think you're looking for excuses to support your straight man hatred. I understand not liking someone, or being tired of a roommate constantly having a bf over, but this is so judgmental.

[aquatic]

Sometimes the best outcome can be achieved if we stop aiming for equality and mutual appreciation, and one person leads and the other follows. The person who has something to learn follows. // Maybe if we agreed that in our relationship, I should be boss and he should shut up and learn, we could get on with things in a relationship of mutual respect, but one way teaching.

You mentioned your lover's flatmate disliking you when you've done nothing. Maybe it's because you're bi and he felt you should shut up and allow him teach you to be otherwise? How does that sound?

 

I have a problem with people who unthinkingly duplicate ugly traits which society has passed down to them. It doesn't win me a lot of friends since it's the status quo that I have a problem with, but I don't see how I can change my distaste for distasteful behaviour, short of brainwashing myself.

Just make sure you have a valid reason why something is distasteful other than it fits the stereotype. What you find ugly may not be ugly to them. Obvious as it is, you are not the arbiter of what is and isn't. In fact, traits you might be proud of may be repugnant to others, no?

 

And as i said, I want to be part of the change I wish to see in the world, so I don't think that forcing myself to not mind distasteful behaviour is the way to do that.

You can't enact change by giving these "offenders" the stink eye or kicking them out of your space because, well, not a lot of people will care. They won't see you as revolutionary, but annoying. Meet halfway. Like with your mate's bf-- as you're on his good side, why not semi-jokingly rib him about cussing too much, maybe he'll notice and tone it down. Not everything one does is A Statement, most of the time it's just a mindless habit you've gotten accustomed to-- from fashion choices to personal tics. Put it out there non-confrontationally; don't let the drama of gender wars be all up in your head brewing, how everyone's jerking your vision, and when he says hi to you, you explode irrationally.

 

Lastly, try not to over-analyze.

[Lucy__lou]

You can't enact change by giving these "offenders" the stink eye

this is true.

or kicking them out of your space

Just to clarify, I haven't done or said anything to the guy. I have been making an effort, especially since coming on here and talking about it. But my instincts are to minimise the ammount we interact. I feel yuck after talking to him, even though he's nice.

why not semi-jokingly rib him about cussing too much, maybe he'll notice and tone it down. Not everything one does is A Statement, most of the time it's just a mindless habit you've gotten accustomed to-- from fashion choices to personal tics. Put it out there non-confrontationally;

good advice. I really need to learn to do that more.

...and when he says hi to you, you explode irrationally.

I haven't had any kind of outburst towards him. I'm expressing my dislike of him here, not to his face.

[aquatic]

or kicking them out of your space

That was just figuratively speaking. Some find it easier to just shut out whoever discomforts them rather than work through it.

 

...and when he says hi to you, you explode irrationally.

And this, hypothetical

[Lucy__lou]

so just a quick update for the kind people who've helped me here.

 

I'm making an effort to be a bit friendlier with him. I'll ask him how he is if he asks me how I am, and I'll let him tell me. But all the while, I'm shuddering inside because I can't stand his personality. I think he's under the impression he has to be the bigger person here and make an effort to put me at ease in case I'm freaked out. So he gives me more personality than I want to be subjected to. But the way he talks just grates on my nerves. He thinks by showing more of his personality, he's going to put me at ease, but I'm not nervous, I just can't stand him.

 

Should I confront him? wait until I'm in a good mood and just tell him that I'm not freaked out and that he doesn't have to make any effort to put me at ease? that way, when I'm untalkative, hopefully he'll know that talking to me more isn't going to help.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you should confront him. Just my opinion.

 

I think this is becoming more complicated than it need be. I think it comes down to that this guy - who you do not know well, so it's still your emotional reaction to him - annoys the crap out of you, and you are now looking for a way to get him out of the picture.

 

Because, if you do confront him, perhaps he will either start to avoid you.

But because you don't know what kind of person he really is - that might not be the case at all.

He might shrug it off and continue hanging there as usual - - except now him and your roomate have seen this ugly side of you and mentally noted it. Not good.

Or he might go out of his way to annoy you, or start disliking you himself.

 

Because you just don't know him yet to know what he is likely to do, or how he is likely to interpret this.

 

I don't think you need to like him......but you do need to require yourself to care just a tiny little bit about him as a person. No different than any other person, just to care that little bit to be able to tolerate him and treat him right.

 

If you liked him, you wouldn't even dream of saying "Hey, I don't like you, so don't even bother trying to make me comfy anymore or trying to be nice to me. " which is essentially what you are thinking of doing!

 

Hey, don't do it. It'd be a big mistake.

 

 

 

On a side, I've lived with a lot of different roommates and there for sure were times when I was tempted to tell someone exactly how I felt about them. People that roommates bring over, the appropriateness of how often and where/when they are popping up too. How often!

 

This thread particularly brings to mind a girl who was brought over by a straight roomie of mine, male - and when I initially met her, I went out of my way to be nice to her ....and her response was to ignore me and say nothing.

So whatever.

On the surface, this girl was what I'd had considered "trailer trash"....I mean, 80's jeans, way too much makeup, talking about how cool it was to go with her friends to see the strippers, kids but she wasn't living with em or taking care of em, on and on...you get the idea. She fit my stereotype alright.

 

On the first day I met her, she needed to use the bathroom (naturally) at some point, and asked my roomie where OUTSIDE she could go...we told her where the bathroom was...she squatted outside anyways, "nah, that's alright, I'll just go out by those little bushed by the house".

 

I was totally devastated really that this girl would be spending time at my place.

 

But you know what? I didn't know her.

 

Though I can't say I ever really grew to want her as a buddy old chum, I did learn stuff about her that made her more human and tolerable.

 

And I do think it is very important to get a good easy rapport with your roommates when talking about the "rules" and how you are feeling about when they are bringing people over a little too often, or if sleepovers are turning into living there situations.

 

I'd talk to your roomie, honestly. I wouldn't say a thing about her current choice in BF and how you feel about him. If she asks, say less rather than tell straight out....just focus on the fact that he is there a little too much if that is the case., y'know?

[lady00]

Don't confront him. I think its one of those situations in life where you just have to deal and take it for what it is. It really doesn't sound like that big of an inconvenience to just keep doing what you're doing. I don't think it's fair to confront him because he can't do anything to change the situation. That's his personality and he's going to be there a lot. There are always going to be people that you can't stand and sometimes they are going to be around a lot...it's just something you need to accept...I have people like this who are friends of close friends of mine and they annoy me, but I just smile and act polite for my friend's sake because they like them and are friends with them.

[bulletproof]

Please don't confront him. All you will achieve is a strain on your relationship with your roommate, and potentially make this guy feel really bad. It is not forever that you just have to put up with him and be nice. It's not that hard and will be a good exercise for you. As someone else pointed out, there will always be people in life that will annoy you, and the most you can do is learn how to make the best of it.

[Lucy__lou]

thanks again everyone. common sense, I know. But I just needed to hear it.