I am scared of myself

[tiredofvampires]

See I know what you say "could" be true but I don't believe it anymore. That is why I say I have given up. Because I have within.

 

Actually, I don't think you've given up. You are still clinging to something, and it's this:

 

Your husband and the family you wanted, and the security of all the things you know with this arrangement, as detrimental as it is.

 

If you really want to give up everything, why not give up this * * * * ty arrangement and say wth, there's NOTHING ANYMORE TO LOSE BY LEAVING HIM. THAT'S giving up.

 

But you are still clutching at straws, and it's like even though that's leading you over the cliff by it's weighty chain and people are screaming, "Here's the metal shears!" you're hanging on to that ball and chain for dear life, even if it might cost you your life.

 

You haven't given up the one and only most important thing you must give up on.

 

And giving up your life is the most extreme and irretrievable, irrevocable, permanent thing to give up. So why not try something just short of that?

 

I think leaving him is worse than death to you.

 

You would rather die than make an experiment here and leave.

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

Does that make any sense to you?????

 

Do you not see the immensity of the folly here??

 

You are "not ready" for counselling, or for leaving him...but you are ready to die??

 

Leaving your husband is worse than death right now. You would rather cling to this situation and die in it than see what is over the horizon. Without him, but with your pain and son and everything you have been surviving all this time quite valiantly. Which is only this, Angel: pain and debility, minus a crazy jerk and plus the QUESTION MARK of how that will be. That's scary. But it's not scarier than anything you've already done; and it's certainly not scarier than being dead and abandoning your son to a life of misery and destruction, is it?

 

You are not sicker or more debilitated physically now than you were about 2 months ago, but you've gone through this decline. And I'm not sure how much your meds are playing into this, but it seems that it worsened during your taking that Abilify. Maybe antidepressants aren't of much benefit for you, or maybe they need more time to kick in. But you used to be on here and at least able to hope for something, and it seems a few things came together at once:

 

-- your sister dropped out of the plan to move out together

-- you started on antidepressants

-- we started to make plans for you to get out without your sister

 

Of all those triggers, I think that the culprits here are the prospects of your having to face this move by yourself and manage with your son, on your own. As bad as your husband is, he is still a sort of "provider" in your mind I think, and you are terrified of having that bottom drop out. That is the only reason you are really staying, and the physical pain is something you feel you can't handle. Well let me tell you something, I've been incapacitated before and I am now living on my own. You will find social work help, community services, new friends or meet fellow patients, or other mothers in need to exchange help and support, and YOU WILL FIND SUBSTITUTES FOR THIS MAN WHO MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS. Don't tell me it's not about him, it's about your disability. It's about how you feel dependent on a rogue WHILE you are disabled. It's the feeling of total reliance on someone else and feeling you can't take care of yourself if you leave. Well you can. I am living proof it can be done. Yes, there are people I rely on, and not all of them have terrific attitudes all of the time. And yes, I still feel in ways very at the mercy of things I can't control. But I have life, I have A life, and that's the most precious thing: to have a chance to get better.

 

You don't believe it anymore?

 

Then don't believe it. You don't have to believe it, okay?

 

Do it without faith or belief or hope, just do it because you have nothing else to lose (except your husband and I think in a coin toss between what's worse to lose, that guy or your entire life, I'd bet that guy is less of a catastrophic loss, don't you think?). Do it because hey, what the hell. Do it because you have a 50% chance of surviving if you leave, and a 100% chance of dying if you stay.

 

Do it for a mathematical reason, not an emotional reason.

 

My son won't remember me. He is young enough to move on from it.

 

You may say he won't remember you, and let's say he doesn't. But then what? He will spend the rest of his life trying to find the mother he never had. He'll try to find it in booze and drugs, he'll try to find it in women's beds, some of whom he might father children with he can't take care of. He'll maybe not even get that far because your husband will take in a few of his sick relatives and maybe even find another wife, and she might physically, emotionally and verbally abuse your son, unlike you, because she won't love him and want to protect him. All your husband's relatives might abuse him, and GUARANTEED YOUR HUSBAND HIMSELF WILL. Your son might be assaulted in every way, until he reaches about 18 and says, "My mom did it...so can I" and shoots himself in the head with a stolen gun.

 

This is the legacy you want to leave?

 

In preference to having to get a few social workers around your case in the next city, and having to talk to a therapist once you get there about all the crap you had the courage to leave behind?

[tiredofvampires]

And just to be clear -- I don't think you should go to counselling now. I almost never say that to a poster, but in your case I feel it would be a waste of time and money.

 

You need to be OUT of there first, THEN go to counselling, so you can let it all out, whatever you can say. There is a lot of healing to do around leaving and who this man is that's tormented you, and unless you can talk freely about that, it's just covering gangrene with lotion.

[tiredofvampires]

And let me also remind you that in the pain-depression-pain cycle, the trapped feeling you have now is amplifying the pain. So in fact, ironically, the very thing you fear you can't take any more of (pain) has a good chance of improving if you leave, also. You might see some drastic changes in your pain medication needs and your anxiety pills once you stabilize your life. So this aspect of doom is likely to show more promise if you just get over this HUMP.

[Angel_baby]

Your right ToV I am having problems with the thought of leaving him but there is still a part of me that does want to leave.

Yeah he is part of the anxiety and depression but not the main cause. That "hump" is just to much.

 

I can't do this anymore.

 

Bye for now

[tiredofvampires]

Your right ToV I am having problems with the thought of leaving him but there is still a part of me that does want to leave.

Yeah he is part of the anxiety and depression but not the main cause. That "hump" is just to much.

 

I can't do this anymore.

 

Bye for now

 

What is the main cause, then?

 

And what is "this"? What do you mean by "doing this"?

[CallingAllAngels]

My son won't remember me. He is young enough to move on from it.

 

Angel....that is NOT TRUE. NOT NOT NOT TRUE. And you couldn't leave him if you tried.

[Angel_baby]

What is the main cause, then?

 

And what is "this"? What do you mean by "doing this"?

 

This = Life

 

Angel....that is NOT TRUE. NOT NOT NOT TRUE. And you couldn't leave him if you tried.

 

True Allie it is what stops me every time I try to

[wtm78]

i hope you can think about what you are doing...

 

sometimes ending one's life may seems like a solution.. seems like an easy way out.. but are grass always greener the other side??

 

what about the butterfly effects?

 

i know things are just to painful for anyone to take anything into consideration.. but for the love of god.. for you baby.. please stop and think about those who really needs you...

[Yodabell]

You have some choices Angel:

 

1. You can stay with your husband and things will pretty much remain as they are or get worse. You know from experience that they are not going to get better. Read what you have written in your journal.

 

2. You can end your life, leaving your son to grow up with your husband and his family. Leaving him in a situation that you found so bad that you had to leave the people who love you and need you. With no support from his mum. You know this isn't what you want for your son.

 

3. You can let ToV and everyone here help you to leave. And to try again somewhere else. As ToV says - what do you have to lose? You may as well give it a go. This is unknown and the unknown is scary, especially when your confidence has been knocked.

 

My mum has had arthritis most of her life. When she is stressed and worried about other things, it gets way worse. Removing the stress and anxiety of constantly wondering how your husband will react will help your health too.

 

x

[justignoreme]

leaving your son at any age will cause serious problems for him. if you leave him now, the person he is closest to, he could quite possibly develop some problems with that. my biological mother basically gave me away to my grandparents, and the reason I was always told was that I cried too much and I was too stressful on her. do you want your kid to think he had something to do with your suicide? do you want him to grow up and hate you for leaving him? just don't do it. he needs you alive.

 

and leave your husband, however you have to. your husband is supposed to be the person that loves and cares about you the most. you deserve someone that will do that, and nothing less.

[Jeen]

My son won't remember me. He is young enough to move on from it.

 

My Mother Killed herself when I was nine and there is not a day I don't think of her. This week I had to fill in forms "again" about my family history "blood relations" before being admitted to hospital, do you know how much it hurts to write the words suicide when asked, what she died of. Do you know there will always be a guilty feeling in your son for not knowing why his mum choose to leave this earth and leave him behind. "There are days I get angry at her and there are days it all just dam hurts not knowing why she had to do it"

 

Never really knowing why she did it. "Was I one of the things that pushed her over the edge"

[CallingAllAngels]

My Mother Killed herself when I was nine and there is not a day I don't think of her. This week I had to fill in forms "again" about my family history "blood relations" before being admitted to hospital, do you know how much it hurts to write the words suicide when asked, what she died of. Do you know there will always be a guilty feeling in your son for not knowing why his mum choose to leave this earth and leave him behind. "There are days I get angry at her and there are days it all just dam hurts not knowing why she had to do it"

 

Never really knowing why she did it. "Was I one of the things that pushed her over the edge"

 

Wow...this left me speechless. What a heartfelt post.

 

Hugs to you Jeen

[Angel_baby]

My Mother Killed herself when I was nine and there is not a day I don't think of her. This week I had to fill in forms "again" about my family history "blood relations" before being admitted to hospital, do you know how much it hurts to write the words suicide when asked, what she died of. Do you know there will always be a guilty feeling in your son for not knowing why his mum choose to leave this earth and leave him behind. "There are days I get angry at her and there are days it all just dam hurts not knowing why she had to do it"

 

Never really knowing why she did it. "Was I one of the things that pushed her over the edge"

 

Jeen, that breaks my heart. *hugs* I'm sorry for what I said. I wasn't thinking straight... sometimes my mind just gets in such a state of depression that it wants to believe things that aren't true even though they feel that way.

Thanks for sharing that. I needed to hear it.

 

------

 

I have been taking my Remeron but have felt no difference. I am actually getting more depressed at this time. Plus I have SOOOO much trouble waking up. I seriously can't get out of bed! I tried once and fell down because I was so dizzy. One time I even passed out when I sat up in bed.

 

Plus I am starting to get worried about the side effects. One day I started having what felt like mild seizures. I was just laying down in bed reading and then my brain started feeling this weird fuzzy feeling. I kept fighting it but then it took over and I felt my body go rigid, the book fell and all I could see was the wall and my arm which was shaking. I couldn't move.

Then I turned over to lay on my back... I was soooo scared at this point. And I was still fighting the feeling in my brain... but then I gave in to this really strong feeling and again my back just went rigid and I couldn't move and could only see the ceiling barely. I could feel my body somewhat shaking.

 

The day after that I would start hearing voices that weren't there! I was laying in bed and I would hear my sons voice right next to me but he wasn't there! He was napping in his room. Then I would hear voices of my sisters in the living room but they (of course) weren't there. This happened several times, all the while I was starting to freak out... but then it just stopped.

 

I don't know about this medicine....

 

I have been getting really depressed and can think nothing but about ending it all.

 

Maybe I should call the doctor...

[CallingAllAngels]

^Angel...time to call the Dr. Those side effects are not good. See if he can switch you to something else, or, maybe lower the dose for you hon.

[Jeen]

Angel "Big Hugs"

 

Clinical Worsening and Suicide Risk

 

"Patients, their families, and their caregivers should be encouraged to be alert to the emergence of anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, impulsivity, akathisia (psychomotor restlessness), hypomania, mania, other unusual changes in behaviour, worsening of depression, and suicidal ideation, especially early during antidepressant treatment and when the dose is adjusted up or down. Families and caregivers of patients should be advised to look for the emergence of such symptoms on a day-to-day basis, since changes may be abrupt. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient's prescriber or health professional, especially if they are severe, abrupt in onset, or were not part of the patient's presenting symptoms. Symptoms such as these may be associated with an increased risk for suicidal thinking and behaviour and indicate a need for very close monitoring and possibly changes in the medication."

 

link removed

 

Akathisia

"Your spinal column stiffens so that you can hardly move your head or your neck and sometimes your back bends like a bow and you cannot stand up."

 

link removed

 

Angel it would be good to tell your doctor about the side effects you are having. "Even the small ones"

 

You are in my thoughts. "Hugs"

[Angel_baby]

Thanks Jeen and Allie, My appt is on the 5th so I will bring it up then. It hasn't happened since then but it scares me still.

 

The thought of the appt is so overwhelming. I know I need to go but I am still scared to. One of my fears is that I will say to much... I don't want to go to the mental hospital.

It's been really hard the last few days but my husband (surprise ) has been very supportive and been getting me through each day that I don't want to live.

[CallingAllAngels]

Thanks Jeen and Allie, My appt is on the 5th so I will bring it up then. It hasn't happened since then but it scares me still.

 

The thought of the appt is so overwhelming. I know I need to go but I am still scared to. One of my fears is that I will say to much... I don't want to go to the mental hospital.

It's been really hard the last few days but my husband (surprise ) has been very supportive and been getting me through each day that I don't want to live.

 

(HUGS)

 

Angel, to my knowledge no one can force you into a mental hospital against your will. You would have to be a definate danger to yourself or another, which I don't see from your most recent posts.

 

HONESTY is the only way the Dr. can help you hon. Tell him what you've told us. Again...this is probably all dose related.

 

~Allie

[Jeen]

Angel I hope everything go's well with your doctors appointment.

 

"Hugs"

 

And like Allie said "you have to be honest with your Dr. for him/her to help you."

[Lady D]

Hi Angel_Baby...

 

You were so sweet to me when I was down...thank you so much.

 

You are a wonderful person and you deserve all the best that life has to offer...please try not to feel down now.

 

You are just floundering out of your comfort zone...

 

Carry on posting on the board, you are a valuable assett and I'm glad that you are here...

 

Take care, stay strong...

 

Lady D x x x

[Lady D]

Angel_Baby stay here for your son...

 

Some day he will be so glad that you were always around for him...

 

PM me if you like...

 

Lady D x x x

[Angel_baby]

(HUGS)

 

Angel, to my knowledge no one can force you into a mental hospital against your will. You would have to be a definate danger to yourself or another, which I don't see from your most recent posts.

 

HONESTY is the only way the Dr. can help you hon. Tell him what you've told us. Again...this is probably all dose related.

 

~Allie

 

You forget my husband can put me in one very easily. They can take you against your will if the doctor thinks I am a danger to myself. And to be quite frank the way I have been feeling lately scares me more then the depression did.

I feel very "off"... like something is "off" in my head. I have been doing a good job lately as far as being a "happy" face to people in my real life. And on here I decided that I didn't want to keep posting depressing stuff. Others didn't need to be burdened or worried and I feel guilty for doing that to you all.

[Angel_baby]

It just dawned on me that it won't ever stop unless I make it stop... and I only know one way to do so.

 

This whole doctor/asking for help/whatever isn't helping me any. The meds aren't working. I am so depressed that I just fantasize about killing myself. EVERYDAY. I know which way I would do it. No more mess ups, no failed attempt.... Now if I could just get myself to do it....

[waveseer]

What needs to change for you to decide to live?

[Angel_baby]

What needs to change for you to decide to live?

 

Something that will never change. I want my health back and to not wake up every single living day to the pain that wraps it's fist around my body.

 

It's something I can't have and it's overcoming me.

[waveseer]

Something that will never change. I want my health back and to not wake up every single living day to the pain that wraps it's fist around my body.

 

It's something I can't have and it's overcoming me.

 

It's not impossible to use a combination of hypnosis, meditation, and biofeedback to at least somewhat alleiviate your pain. Acupuncture can help too. If you've already done all of these things, I suggest trying them all together.