I am scared of myself

[CallingAllAngels]

The best words ever, Angel.

 

I second that.

[15 Storeys High]

Your right Storeys, I need to get out but I don't know how now... my sister has crushed the plan to bits and building a new one seems impossible. Iknow I have to though... I'm not going to stay here because I know if I do I will surely not make it out without doing something to myself, it's been getting worse, the depression.

 

My son is the only one I look at and know I have to go... it's just so hard.

 

Yes. It is hard. Might be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do. The right thing to do is usually also the hardest thing to do though. Here's what you do....you let TOV call those shelters and speak to them and then you let us help you plan the day you leave. You ask for help from anyone there......there must be some kind of authority that can help women leave an abusive household. It isn't hopeless....there is a way and between us we'll find it. You just have to gather your strength to do it.

 

You don't love him. You love the man you wish he was. The man you love is in your head, a fantasy. It isn't really him. You love maybe what he used to be......what he isn't anymore.

 

Only you can be the one to make yourself happy. No one else can do it for you. We can help but we can't do it all. Tell me.......what do you think will make you happy?

[Angel_baby]

To be away from him. In the long run that would make me happy though it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

Your right, I want back what he used to be. The man I fell in love with is not there anymore... I only get glimpses every now and then of that man.

 

The shelters I have called in the past have either been very rude or didn't have any proper beds. I can't get on top of a bunk bed with my back and my son sure cannot sleep on one either

[raining.stars]

The best words ever, Angel.

agreed......

[15 Storeys High]

To be away from him. In the long run that would make me happy though it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

Keep reading that in bold. Repeat it to yourself over and over again. Fall asleep with the words still on your lips. Say them to yourself in the mirror everytime you look in one. Say it to your son. Over and over. Until you've convinced yourself that's the absolute truth.

 

Your right, I want back what he used to be. The man I fell in love with is not there anymore... I only get glimpses every now and then of that man.

 

The shelters I have called in the past have either been very rude or didn't have any proper beds. I can't get on top of a bunk bed with my back and my son sure cannot sleep on one either

 

Those glimpses aren't that man you fell in love with. They're manipulation tactics to make you think things are changing for the better. To lull you into a false of security so that when he hurts you again the shock is evident on your face. It's a power trip. People like that....they don't change, they just think up new ways to see that shock on their victims face.

 

So, what we need to do is a mass search of shelters in your area, or a little further afield. Let TOV call the ones she has.....as she said she can be very persuasive when she wants to be. Between us, we'll figure something out. You just concentrate on that bolded line up there.

[Jeen]

Angel he is playing with your feelings, it is time for you to make a decision, your child may be small but what is happening to you at the hands and the mouth of your husband is already starting to imprint on him, don't let it happen. Take sometime and do think things through and do some research, then start to break the hold he has over you little for little till you see who you really are. You are not the women he makes you out to be, start trusting yourself and believing in yourself, you will need to start making decisions that will be hard, many will take you out of your comfort zone, deciding yes or no will be hard but it is what you will have to do to get out of the position you are in at this stage.

 

If it is possible take your time to plan everything but never expect it ever to be as you planed it or that there will be a right time, for nothing in life will ever be. The sooner you can leave the better.

 

Big hugs.

 

link removed

[KG]

Angel,

Do you not think that between all of us here who care about you, that we can't come up with a plan to get you out? Storeys is right, and TOV has offered to help. I'm in the mix too...I'll call anyone, anytime, to arrange a way.

Let us help you, but YOU have to say it...

Say...OK, I'm ready and WILL not back out.

[Angel_baby]

Thanks everyone, he's back home now so I will get on in a bit

[tiredofvampires]

Adding my voice here, too, Angel -- this is the truest and most central reality ever stated, above.

 

I want to let you in on a secret that I've discovered over the years: sometimes when I've made a plan, or had an idea in my head of how things were supposed to be, or imagined they would come together to escape misery or to better my life, or to be happy, I thought that was as far as I had to go, that it was the be-all-end-all, and that gave me hope to cling to as the only way to be saved. And then -- horror of horrors, it was all dashed, often because it depended on one or a few external factors that blew up in my face or left me in the dust. And once again, I felt there was no more hope, I was bereft, back to square one, minus the hope that hope matters. But then I realized that as one door shut, I was being asked to open an even bigger door. A heavier door, a massive door that I didn't think I could ever open. And so then the stakes were higher, the fear of failure stronger -- but then when I did roll up my sleeves, I did decide that it was this do-or-die because the other door or doors were now behind me, closed...and once that massive door was creaked open, some momemtum gained. And as I made that decision, other strange and unexpected things started to come my way, other hands started to help me move that door. Just by my deciding to open that door -- which had to happen INSIDE ME -- ways, means, possibilities, help, other options started to appear through the crack in the door that I could see. And mysteriously, something that favored this act of self-preservation continued to send other agents so that it would become do-able. And then....then I found myself on the other side of that door, and guess what? It was the better door after all. The effort I was asked to put in to fight the even harder obstacle meant that now I was in an even righter space. That other smaller door would have led to a smaller room, and now I had won something much bigger. So what began feeling like my undoing turned into an opportunity, and I didn't and couldn't even see it beforehand, how it would unfold. But one thing is for sure -- as long as you want it, REALLY WANT IT, you will not be alone. You will not be forsaken. Like a magnet, you will attract more and more tools to keep opening that door, and yes, it's going to feel dangerous, it's all going to be frightening and unfamiliar and even then, there will be times when you feel undone. But you have to keep that vision in mind of what is on the other side.

 

And what I'm proposing with all this is that your earlier plan with your sister was the smaller door. The bigger -- though heavier and more imposing -- door is the one where you gain full power and independence by this move you are about to make. It's not the small win, it's the big win, to be able to start right now to cut the dependencies that tie you to people who you cannot rely on, because they are either malicious or inconstant. You don't need any of it -- the abuse, the wishy-washiness, the hanging by some thread of promises that let you down once again. You need to be a woman in her own right, even bowed with the strike against her of physical adversity. When you achieve that though, it will have been the very, very best thing to have prepared you for the rest of your life. You will always be able to look back and say, if I did THAT, I can do THIS too (whatever else life throws your way.) And you will be able to teach this to your son, this vital lesson. So this is here to teach you just how powerful you can be when you decide to be, when you decide that you will follow the light of many guides, and quickly allow any plan, person, or path that is not serving you to fall.

 

Right then, NEXT!

 

Because the reward is your life. The life you are only wishing for now, and feeling is so far away. It is not a fantasy made up of fanciful notions made for other people or other women -- it's an achievement that stands waiting for YOU at the end of a road (this portion of the life road, that is). A road that twists and turns and has hills. But this is a real, concrete road that you can actually put your boots on and start to walk, towards that achievement at the end. I think part of this holding place you're in is a feeling of unbelievability, unreality of the chance. So I want you to know that it's the stuff of real action, not just wishing, that you can grab onto. This is something you actually accomplish, it's not just a bunch of ideas that we can talk about here. It is beyond the metaphorical door I've mentioned. There is a real door you can walk out of and never re-enter, there is a real door on wheels, beit a bus or train that you walk into to ride to the next real door, the door that will open for you and show you to a place to sleep. And when you wake up, there will be real new faces, new people, papers directing you to the next door, and the next and the next.

 

So what you need most here is to recognize that the plan you had before did not ask you to go into your very heart of hearts where the real clincher lies. Now that is on the table, because your hand has been forced and for the reasons I expressed, that is something you should now see as a good thing. Just this shift in perspective will start moving things. You no longer are leaving just because you have the hand of someone else to hold, but because you know you can't live like this anymore and that whatever lingering reasons in your heart that give you pause to leave him, your attachment to him emotionally and practically, they are all unviable. The plan that has crumbled is nothing compared to the lives (you and your son) that will crumble if you stay, and all this has to happen independently in your mind and heart of any other external "incentives". To repeat, this is the bigger door. So this:

 

 

 

this is your key.

 

 

 

This is brilliant, all of it, but to add to that bold part, I do not believe that man you fell in love with is actually a different man from this one. Sure, maybe there were some things that happened after a while that set him down a worse road after you knew him, triggered him some, but when you met him and fell in love with him, you were in love with a man whose character was bad, and a ticking time bomb. People don't go from being good-hearted and respectful to rageful, self-entitled, violent people overnight (unless they had some sudden accident that severely injured parts of their brain.) We are dealing with a man whose brain was injured in incurable ways before you even met him, and what he knew was how to woo you properly, until his true colors came out. And from the things you've told me, he wasn't even all that when you first met him. I've been there Angel, not with someone as violent as him for a partner, but someone with the same tactics, someone with the same basic blueprint: at first, anyone can make you feel good if they show you attention because they want and need you for something, for themselves, to keep them running. What they offer you is a feeling that you are needed and wanted, and in a good relationship, those things are pretty important, and there's nothing wrong with seeking that. But with people like him, that is a trap, the hook. And then once they have you to turn to to fuel their endless needs, and you are depending on them, they can do whatever the hell they please after that. They don't need to take care of you anymore, because you're there to take care of them, which is what they wanted all along. But to persue and get that, some degree of output of adoration and "love" has to be offered, right? It's not a conscious ploy of course. But the fact that it's not conscious to them doesn't change the fact that it was all a big charade from the get-go, and their character has been, is, and will always be this man, the one you know now. You haven't lost him, you've gained a knowledge of what and who is, at core. So now you really need to lose him, for real.

[tiredofvampires]

Yes. It is hard. Might be one of the hardest thing you ever have to do. The right thing to do is usually also the hardest thing to do though. Here's what you do....you let TOV call those shelters and speak to them and then you let us help you plan the day you leave. You ask for help from anyone there......there must be some kind of authority that can help women leave an abusive household. It isn't hopeless....there is a way and between us we'll find it. You just have to gather your strength to do it.

 

Yup, I'm onto this plan. Thumbs up, Storeys.

 

You've had another very unfortunate few things happen to daunt you along the way, and that is that you have repeatedly received misinformation, as well as been treated poorly by people who are supposed to be there with kind words and attentive, accomodating attitudes. SHAME ON THEM for misguiding you and discouraging you, but please know that just as we find the correct information, as we have, we can find the people who are on your side and understand what you need, and are willing to work with you. Remember that the people who run these places are often dealing with many stressful encounters, as it's a high-stress position they are in, and while this doesn't excuse any snappy way they might talk to you, some of them are more burnt out or having bad hair days than others, and so anything any one person says doesn't determine anything. Do you recall how for a long time you thought that you couldn't get disability benefits until years down the line, or financial support until you had already moved out and been living on nothing? You got all kinds of crap information -- about what you had to do to sit on your hands to wait for any sort of financial support, about Social Security benefits. Everyone made it sounds like years and years of endless waiting and now you know better. And then you were led to believe that if you have a disability, you can't be in a shelter, because you have to be able-bodied and help out around there. And we found out that that was bogus, too, right? You've been given a lot of really bum steers, but that just means you've been unlucky enough to find the wrong people to talk to. And the more bureacracy you encounter, I will be honest with you, the more you realize that sometimes the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. So that can be crazy-making, but in the back of your mind you have to hold out to know that when someone says, "No, you can't do that", most of time they are wrong, and you CAN.

 

So don't let someone who is rude or nasty or a naysayer stop you from making the next call, and the next -- and we are here as everyone is saying to bounce off the ideas, and look at the options, or the alternatives.

 

And one thing I firmly believe is that the latest crock you've been sold is the idea that you are being finicky to ask for bottom bunks when you can't climb up to the top and your son is too little to be up there. NONSENSE. We will find a shelter that will take your needs into account and maneuver things so that you, with your limitations, can be there just like anyone else.

 

Now at first, what I did (I'm putting this on the board, not PM, so others are in the loop, since we're all in this together) I spoke to a couple of different hotlines in your state to find out about which shelters are CLOSEST to you, so that it would facilitate a cheap and quick exit. When I spoke to the hotlines, that's when they confirmed my belief that you don't need to be able-bodies to go to a shelter. Of the actual facilities, I only spoke to the one -- the one with that lady answering the phone who we both spoke to. What I liked about that was that also corroborated that you could come with a disability, so long as you could take care of your basic bodily needs (which you can) and your son's; and that as long as you were intent to leave, and spoke to them personally over the phone, they would hold beds for you when you planned your exit. I liked that they asked for my first name so that when you called, they had me on record as having called for you, so there would be links in the chain. And that she gave me her first name so you could ask for her. So we talked to the same woman and we knew we were all on the same page, I could be assured that you and I were hearing the same exact information, from the same person, so there wouldn't be any more crossing of wires and misinformation.

 

So we are going to just roll up our sleeves and do the same thing again -- find the person who has the RIGHT information, and the information that will help you put your name on their book. Only this time, I think we can plan for the farther afield strategy, because you have said several times that being that close to home, you fear you'll get cold feet and go back to him. One thing they explained to me is that the average woman escapes and then returns to her abuser 8 times, before leaving for good (or being killed). (And in each case, each woman has to come to it through what we've been talking about so far, no one can do that for her, not even some authority.) And we know that can't be you. It won't be you, if you decide not to join their statistics. That doesn't have to be you, but I think a piece of your previous plan with your sister can be used toward that end: we need to find a shelter that is farther away, as far as you and your sister would have gone, at very least. So we can start to look for shelters farther out, and choose the one that will fully understand your physical condition and needs, and your son's needs because he's very small and can't be lying on a top bunk (that's just ridiculous). There is a shelter out there that will be able to accommodate that, I know this in my heart, even before I pick up the phone. We've just got to find it, and talk again to the person in charge like before, connecting like last time.

 

And then all of us on here will plan a day, a date that you will gather up your son and a suitcase one night while your husband is at work, and you will walk out that door, with some money for a cab to take you to the transport we have decided on (bus or train), and you will travel for 2 hours and then when you get out in that city, you'll pay another cab to get you to the exact address of the shelter that we have decided on, which is now expecting you (because you've called them saying you are on your way, and they've assured you you have 2 beds waiting for you...and they've also reassured me of that and given me their names), and they will open their doors and you'll sign in, and be shown to your beds.

 

And then the hardest, worst thing will be past you. And you won't have to ever look back or ride back.

[Angel_baby]

Thank you ToV, and everyone that has offered their help. I need to find the strength to do this. It is inside me somewhere I guess. Even when I am so lost...

 

I am going to talk to my sister more. Get more information from her.

 

It is just like a heavy door, so hard to even look at because I know I have to open it

[Angel_baby]

ToV, your plan is a good one that would probably work, I need fuel for this fire... to feel within that I can do it. Right now I am in a lot of pain and can't get out of bed much but I know I will have better days.

What about insurance? I have to see the doctors (I know I will have to change doctors)... I am under my husbands plan.

[tiredofvampires]

That's a really good question, and one we have to explore.

 

There are two ways to do this, and I think both should be done. One is to call the shelter(s) and ask to be put in touch with someone there who is a social worker who can field this question on the phone. The other way is by contacting the welfare office (here, that's DHS, Department of Human Services) which will be the ones doing your intake as a new recipient. Ask to talk to a worker who does intakes, to answer this question. Tell them your whole situation (anonymity will allow you this freedom) and say that because you're disabled and needing medical services ongoing, you'll need to transfer your care immediately upon leaving to another doctor and need to switch over to their medical benefits as soon as possible. Ask how long it will take to be processed, as this is an emergency and you need transfer as soon as you leave, and while you're at the shelter. Ask what's the soonest they can get you this coverage.

 

Also, there are some low income and free clinics as well, for the interim, and we can research those as well, and also the shelter and social worker can guide you to those. So that is another thing to ask when we've located the shelter(s), how and where do medical needs get met now that you are going to be uninsured. They will certainly know how to direct you because of course, most women do not have the coverage. We'll have to ask about free clinics and the like in the area that they have clients going to until more paperwork and benefits are processed.

 

But so it's key to ask what the typical length of time it is to get state benefits. Asking both the welfare agency (a worker there, not just the person who answers the phone, so ask for a WORKER who processes cases), and also the social work personnel at the shelter who counsels women. So your counselling will start here.

[Angel_baby]

I will try to get a call in over there. Maybe sometime when my husband is distracted with video games or something...

[tiredofvampires]

Thank you ToV, and everyone that has offered their help. I need to find the strength to do this. It is inside me somewhere I guess. Even when I am so lost...

 

I am going to talk to my sister more. Get more information from her.

 

It is just like a heavy door, so hard to even look at because I know I have to open it

 

Yes, that is more like it! I'm glad you are seeing that, too, and you're going to keep your chin up, I can see you are!

 

But talk to your sister more? Why do you need to do that? You don't need information from her, do you? She's out of the picture as far as your leaving...that's a dead end. What sort of information?

 

I will try to get a call in over there. Maybe sometime when my husband is distracted with video games or something...

 

Are they in the phone book under "Human Services, Department of" the way they are here?

 

I'm still nervous about you calling in the same house while he's in there, distracted or not...is he always there during the day?

[healthseeker]

I have not been around...been really flared up. I check in on everyone often though and am just getting to this. I agree with TOV...in the disappointment in your sister. I also agree in the "silver lining" theory here. This could very well be God hitting you over the head with a velvet hammer...letting you know that you need to do this now, and on YOUR OWN merits.

 

Do you see how many people love you? Stop looking at your husband and look at your son. Then shut your eyes and look at all of us who want nothing but the best for you and your son.

[Angel_baby]

Yes, that is more like it! I'm glad you are seeing that, too, and you're going to keep your chin up, I can see you are!

 

But talk to your sister more? Why do you need to do that? You don't need information from her, do you? She's out of the picture as far as your leaving...that's a dead end. What sort of information?

 

Are they in the phone book under "Human Services, Department of" the way they are here?

 

I'm still nervous about you calling in the same house while he's in there, distracted or not...is he always there during the day?

 

I am going to confirm whether my sister is going to move out there or not. She didn't sound like it last night but I want to get a clear yes or no from her.

 

We have the DFS and the Social security office here... not sure about a DHS... I would have to check.

I know this is probably a bad thing but I still want to aim leaving after the holidays. I might be stubborn but I want my son to have a good Christmas.

 

I have not been around...been really flared up. I check in on everyone often though and am just getting to this. I agree with TOV...in the disappointment in your sister. I also agree in the "silver lining" theory here. This could very well be God hitting you over the head with a velvet hammer...letting you know that you need to do this now, and on YOUR OWN merits.

 

Do you see how many people love you? Stop looking at your husband and look at your son. Then shut your eyes and look at all of us who want nothing but the best for you and your son.

 

Thanks HS, I am sorry to hear you have been in so much pain. I hope you feel better soon.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I read your post above, and really gave it some hard thought for a while before posting. Because I can see where you're coming from with the timeline and wanting your son to have a last shot at his last holiday with his father. For Christmas to be "good".

 

And I felt the dilemma of that, so I really didn't want to rush my advice here.

 

But I think after reading your journal and mulling it over, I've come to the conclusion that I don't think it's a good idea, nor at all benefitting to your son, to put this off for the sake of the holidays. And anyone here can feel free to disagree with me, to jump in and convince me otherwise, and I'll be interested to know others' opinions on this, but I am strongly feeling that you should not use the holidays as one more delay.

 

The reason, for one, I feel this way is because EVERY SINGLE DAY your husband creates a "nightmare", in your words. The situation is pretty intolerable, and there's really no predicting what could happen in the next month and a half or two. I know you feel you've come this far so might as well get through the holidays, but you know, he's on to you possibly wanting to pull away from him and I don't trust this situation to just stay at status quo. ANY DAY is a day of DANGER with him, and you've come to underplay and underestimate the effect of that on both you and your son.

 

Next, I don't think that your son is going to have a "good" holiday with this family scene. Look what happened on Halloween -- your very last sentence was that he apologized himself for ruining it for EVERYONE. Everyone isn't just your in-laws or your side of the family or you, it's also your son that he ruined it for. He had outbursts and rollercoaster moods periodically throughout the evening, cussing you out, yelling, spitting venomous things at you in front of your whole family and son during this one evening. Your in-laws hate eachothers' guts, and even your husband's own mother left because she couldn't stand him.

 

This, about to replay itself in December, my friend, is not the picture of Yuletide joy and merriment, and peace on Earth.

 

And to subject your son to this is NOT a "good" Christmas, even though this is getting to be the norm to him. At this point, any moment that people are not screaming, spewing profanities or crying is a "good" moment. How good is that?

 

He's young enough that he won't remember the "fun" he's going to have this holiday and for him, Christmas is still quite an abstract concept. It's YOU that has placed the meaning into it, because you are grown up and associate all these things with this holiday. But for him, at his age, it's just another occasion -- and another opportunity for yelling and screaming matches between the people that are supposed to be caring for one another. So he's young enough that missing this occasion to fight (even if you wish it were festive like it should be) will not make a whit of a difference to him in the scheme of significant things in his life that impacted him. But he's old enough that the misery in this meanwhile, ON Christmas and perhaps any further injury and horrendous stress he witnesses you going through is having an impact on his mind.

 

So I believe what the holidays represent for you isn't really what's most important here, in keeping your eye on the ball. I'm not saying I don't understand why you want to do this, I totally get it! Believe me, I didn't hastily come to this, but I really, really feel that you aren't buying your son time, or anything else good by staying. Every day spent there is another day that you have had to bite the bullet and suffer. And your son is suffering alongside you.

 

There will be many, many Christmases to make up for this, ones he will treasure and remember, ones that will count far more. When you and he leave his dad, the pain is going to be the same for him, the wondering and missing his daddy is going to have nothing to do with Christmas. Ripping the bandaid off is going to hurt no matter when you do it, and this last shot at "fun" serves neither of you. It just prolongs the inevitable.

 

I think that when he gets older, his story should be this instead: "That year, my mom left with me even before we could get to Christmas. I spent the holidays in a shelter, but my mom said it was still nice there, because they had it all decorated and the ladies were trying to all band together to make some kind of holiday together. She still has a piece of tinsel from that place, and she said actually everyone was super sweet, because they all knew that it was hard times, being in a shelter instead of a real home. They all did their best. So it was a very special year. She didn't want to SPOIL Christmas with my dad that year. She didn't want him to have the chance to do anything more wrong. My mom has balls!"

[Yodabell]

Angel

 

I agree with everything ToV has said up there - don't use Christmas as an excuse to stay longer. Christmas is still 6 weeks away. You and your little boy could have a wonderful Christmas with people who want to help you and who care about you.

 

I know this is scary, and I undesrtand you wanting your son to have a 'family' Christmas. But you are his family. And spending Christmas with people who understand and want to help you, as they will in a good shelter, will be a far happier and lower-stress Christmas than one where you are now.

 

Remember how your husband was on haloween? He will not be a nicer person on Christmas.

 

Stay strong Angel. ToV is doing some great stuff with finding things out for you. I'm away for a week and may not have internet access and I'm on the other side of the atlantic, but if I can help in any way at all when I get back, I will do it.

 

Lots of love xx

[KG]

Angel,

I echo ToV's opinion that you need to get out now, not after Christmas. What if he gets in one of his "moods", and hurts you, and you can't get away? And like she said, there will be many more Christmas'es down the line. This one will be different from the others, for sure. But you will awake Christmas morning knowing you and your son are not in danger. What a gift to give yorselves! Peace of mind.

[raining.stars]

Has anyone heard from Angelbaby? She hasnt been on in a while and Im worried about her.

[jengh]

I was wondering the same....I hope she's safe...

[tiredofvampires]

Just to let people know she's taking a little break, she told me...just wanted to take a time-out.

[jengh]

Just to let people know she's taking a little break, she told me...just wanted to take a time-out.

 

okay, as long as she's safe. I texted her and didn't hear back so I got worried.

thanks=)

[tiredofvampires]

^No probs...

 

But hey Angel, girl! Time you get your hiney back on here and give us some updates, ok?? We all want to know how you are and the latest....so c'mon 'n' log on!

 

 

 

*hugs!*