The 1st sub chapter of a book I've been writing. Opinions?

[Rose21]

It's called "Hell's Captive"

 

 

Mallory awoke in the dead of night, the air, a moist and humid oven that engulfed the dreary landscape of the world bathed in obscurity just beyond the window. Having suffered from chronic insomnia for the past five years, she awakened in an altered state of mind finding it hard to distinguish between what was reality, and what remained a dream. Stumbling out of bed, she drowsily staggered towards the French double doors, gateway to the balcony that lay beyond it. She glanced over the black, iron bars that held it firm in place, the bars were icy and frigid to her touch, sending a new series of shivers down her spine. The wind howled in the night, making a gust of wind carry leaves past her face, they danced and twirled as if they were marionettes controlled by a puppet master at the end of the invisible strings. She shivered and pulled her robe close to her, it's velvet softness warming her body. She stopped in mid thought when she sensed another presense besides her own. Wearily, she tilted her head to look behind her. Strong, muscular arms pushed her against the railing and inserted a damp cloth into her mouth. A scream caught in her throat as she shivered under the man's ice cold stare.

"If you move I'll kill you." He snarled coldly, as he pulled her close to him and descended the rope that hung below the balcony. The man skimmed the rope effortlessly as they vanished into the cold, barren night.

[CAgirl]

The first sentence is a little awkward.

[Rose21]

It's descriptive.

 

This is the book Ive been working on since I was 16.

 

I have 23,000 words so far. I was told my editors and publishers I write better then alot of published adult authors (at the time I was 16) and it has a VERY good chance of getting published when it reaches 50,000 words. So yay=)

[Rose21]

I meant to put a period after night.

[hers]

I think it is very descriptive, but I agree that the first sentence is a little awkward too, just b/c of the grammar of it. It sounds like it shoudl be two sentences:

 

Mallory awoke in the dead of night . The air, a moist and humid oven that (remove) engulfed the dreary landscape of the world bathed in obscurity just beyond the window.

[Rose21]

Yeah, thats what it was supposed to be.

 

Spell check doesn't catch that=(

[hers]

Never trust spell check. Always trust a human. Spell check is just a computer.

 

I have a degree in English and am a trained editor. PM me if you ever have any questions! I LOVE grammar--it's fun.

[Rose21]

Yeah english and writing is my talent.

 

My mom is also a published author, an english AND german teacher lol.

 

It's just tough re-reading my story all the time. Expec when it's over 80 pages typed single spaced!

 

I also get used to in knowing what I mean, and I don't catch them.

[hers]

It's always harder to proof your own stuff. It's in your head so much that you just don't catch things anymore. I'm a trained grammarian and I still don't catch errors in my own writing (emails and ENA excluded b/c I just don't care sometimes, haha).

 

That's great your mom is a published author! Good luck to you and the offer stands if you ever want some help! I edited my friend's whole book for him once. It's fun!

[Rose21]

Lol really? that would be great when the time comes nearer to finishing.

 

I've been having some writer's block lately. Ugh. And Reading ADHD.

 

Yeah that's nice that you would edit all of that for free!

[hers]

Haha, let me re-word it...

 

I don't ahve time to read and edit it all for free...but a few chapters/paragraphs/pages here and there is no problem. That's how I've always done it for other people I know. For my friend, I just really wanted to read his book and he's a great writer, so I did it for him for fun!

[sophie274]

I think it's great that you're writing a book.

 

I have to say, though, that I am not a big fan of what you posted here. I find it very wordy - almost intentionally wordy. It is too descriptive in my opinion. Show, don't tell! (I sound like my old English teacher). There are so many adjectives that I found it hard to get through. You also have some comma splices going on, and really long sentences!

 

I hope that's not too honest. Good luck with your book! Let us know if it gets published!

[Rose21]

Well that's how I am, I'm descriptive. I'm a fan of metaphors.

 

Have you ever heard of Dean Koontz? He's my Idol, my writing style is similar to his.

 

Also Stephen King. Those guys are New York Times Best Sellers, and they are all wordy, and metaphors. Thats just how they write.

 

There is lots of dialogue and detail in the characters, but this is just the very beginning of the book.

 

You can't tell, unless you show.

[dogwood]

rose, I mean this in the nicest way possible - if you're going to call yourself a writer, you need to learn how to take criticsm

 

I write too.. and I'm by no means a bestseller or even a seller at that but the only way you can improve on your writing is to listen to what people are saying to you, instead of defending yourself.

 

i read your intro paragraph and i thought it was very well written, however i agree with the others in that it is sort of overly-descriptive. adjectives are great in setting the tone, creating imagery, which you do very well - but throw in too many and it becomes almost over dramatic, overly-poetic to where it loses effect.

 

Descripition and metaphor is great - you just need to know how to balance it. I hope you can hear this and use it to your advantage.

 

Show us more!

[Batya33]

In my humble opinion (I was a creative writing major, took and taught writing courses in college and grad school and my career for the last 14 years involves a lot of written work - writing skills are my strength) I find it too self-consciously wordy - it's trying too hard to be descriptive and using flowery language when simpler words would work far better, so instead of drawing the reader in, it's distracting. It's a common style I've seen in pieces before they are edited and among younger/newer writers. It's actually more difficult to use simple, concise language I find, which is why the editing process is so crucial, probably even more so than the initial writing. Just my humble opinion.

 

I am very familiar with Stephen King - his descriptions evoke scenes while this piece you portrayed is heavy handed in my opinion. I suggest you take creative writing courses where the teacher and the other writers/students are willing to give ample constructive criticism and push you.

 

Good luck!

[melrich]

One of the most important things when you are writing is be aware of continuity.

 

In this one paragraph you are all over the place. She wakes up and it is a warm, humid night, then there is a howling wind (the two are incongruous) finally she is whisked off into the cold, barren night.

 

Inconsistencies like that will drive your readers crazy. Otherwise look also for jarring words and there a quite a number in here. Keep it far more simple, any good story should be driven by plot, not words.

 

Here's a good approach,

 

Write out the entire plot.

Describe in detail each character in the plot. Dress them.

Then put the words in. When you do this, keep checking your character descriptions. Is what you are writing "in character".

When you have finished the first draft, go back and take out about 10% of the words.

CHECK continuity.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, with each sentence you introduce a new theme that is only talked about in that one sentence and never expanded on. You brushed against the topics of scenery, action, thought, senses, and mood yet don't go into any detail in any of them.

 

I'm not a huge fan of Stephen King (I'm a salinger fan myself) but I did read "The Shining" and "Cujo". You're right, he is descriptive but he picks one thing to be descriptive about. He'll stick with an idea, or a single object that represents an idea and then divulge into it that turns the idea or object into something else. That's what makes it creepy. He takes things that are normally seen as being good (your biggest fan, a new car, a neighbors dog, a beautiful hotel) and then twists them to scare whatever you liked about them out of you.

 

I think you are getting ahead of yourself but are somewhat on the right track.

 

Hope that helped. Keep us posted.

[Rose21]

I love Dean Koontz WAAY More.

 

Ive read 3 books of Stephen King, and that's as far as I will go.

 

Dean koontz is phenominal.