I was unjustly banned from the suicide.org forum- someone should have the forum destroyed-

[KellyLeighC]

Okay. I'll think about it and I'll be back on later. Thanks for the help.

[ilovethatgirl]

Anytime, take care!

[KellyLeighC]

I got an e-mail from the Samaritans at 4:44 today:

 

"We feel that our regular contacts may not be helping you to move on from where you are at this time. From now on, we'll only be able to respond to your emails twice a week to enable you to have the space to focus on your emotions and feelings."

 

I've been doing nothing BUT that because my own family won't help me. I've been crying my ass off and going through a living hell.

 

I guess I can scratch them off the list of people I thought could help me.

[amipushy]

Go and see your doctor.

[KellyLeighC]

I'll find out when our next appointment with my neurologist is through Mom; when we see him again I'll ask to talk to him alone and I'll make sure to bring this subject up. Thanks. I'm praying he can do something to help. Maybe he could get in touch with a grief counselor or something and refer me to them.

Could someone please send the Samaritans an e-mail for me saying Kelly Crutcher (kelly_leigh_crutcher@link removed) still needs their help BADLY and she doesn't need only a twice-a-week thing going on because there's no way that's going to work?

If I start sending e-mails to them after they told me they'll only be able to respond twice a week now, they'll probably just disregard them and dump them as trash.

[pacman]

You are 27 years old?

 

Tell your grandma to F off. Its not her business and yes I agree she was being particularly heartless. The thing I dont understand is why you value her opinion so much or let her have that much control over you at this age.

 

 

 

edit - ok, i didnt read all of it at first and didnt realize you were suicidal. You need to check yourself in if you really think you are going to go through with it.

[KellyLeighC]

You are 27 years old?

 

Tell your grandma to F off. Its not her business and yes I agree she was being particularly heartless. The thing I dont understand is why you value her opinion so much or let her have that much control over you at this age.

 

I've told her to F off more than once; last time I said it was right after she made a negative crack to me about Will. I was crying my ass off and she comes in with, "that boy wasn't anything to you; all he did was sit around and smoke dope. . ." I yelled for her to "F--- OFF" at the tops of my lungs and accompanied it by flinging a deck of playing cards at her head as hard as I could. They barely missed her and bounced off the wall. She left; I slammed and locked the bedroom door behind her.

 

The reason I 'let her have this much control over me' isn't by choice. I have a major seizure condition; I have to take medicine five times a day for grand-mal seizures and she and my mother make sure I take it. If it were up to me; I'd flush my whole stinking prescription down the toilet.

[amipushy]

The reason I 'let her have this much control over me' isn't by choice. I have a major seizure condition; I have to take medicine five times a day for grand-mal seizures and she and my mother make sure I take it.

 

You're an adult Kelly and I don't mean to be rude but your behaviour seems a bit spoilt brattish to me.

 

Maybe you just need to grow up and your mum and gran are keeping you from doing that? Don't you want independence from your them, maybe a man in your life, and a home and family of your own at some point?

[KellyLeighC]

They ARE keeping me from being independent, you're right about that. The second I have enough money saved up, I'll take it, leave and just keep running. They won't be able to find me and bring me back and I'll be able to go on my own from that point on.

 

I'd probably have to adopt if I ever wanted kids though. I don't want to take a risk of having a seizure in childbirth and killing a baby.

[amipushy]

The second I have enough money saved up, I'll take it, leave and just keep running. They won't be able to find me and bring me back and I'll be able to go on my own from that point on.

 

Life doesn't have to be a drama where you run from the people who have love and supported you for 27 years.

 

I understand your angry with them but this could be a good time to put all this to one side and ask for their support in seeking independence instead. This seems to have come to a head and the way things are going, surely you would ALL be happier if you found an assisted living place close to them but not in each others pockets?

[KellyLeighC]

I think if they REALLY loved and cared about me they'd be doing whatever they could to help me.

Instead, both of them are just sitting on their insensitive butts, telling me repeatedly to "get over it" and expecting me to act like nothing happened.

[amipushy]

I'm not meaning to be rude, but I think if they REALLY gave a crap about me they'd be doing something to help me get therapy.

They're just sitting on their insensitive butts and telling me to "get over it".

 

And I'm not meaning to be rude but I told you this yesterday...

 

You're 27 and an adult ....Get up off your own butt and go see your doctor. Sorry, but if you won't help yourself, then nobody can do it for you.

[KellyLeighC]

And I'm not meaning to be rude but I told you this yesterday...

You're 27 and an adult ....Get up off your own butt and go see your doctor. Sorry, but if you won't help yourself, then nobody can do it for you.

 

The FIRST chance I get to see Doctor Rivera, I'll tell Pat I need to talk to him alone. Once I get him alone, I'll tell him "I'm having to deal with a friend's suicide on my own; Pat and Madeline are f___ing around and not bothering to help me in any way, shape or form. I need grief counseling; is there any way you could help me find someone who could do such a thing please." He ought to be able to refer me to someone who can help.

 

If Pat and Madeline don't like that idea, both of them can bend over and kiss my ass as far as I'm concerned.

[amipushy]

I think saying -

 

"I'm dealing with a friend's suicide; I need grief counseling; is there any way you could help me find someone who could do such a thing please."

 

would be more of an appropriate way of approaching this and speaking to your doctor.

 

Let us know what he says ok. Good Luck.

[KellyLeighC]

I will. Thanks. I was upset and thinking about Will when I posted that last message.

[ilovethatgirl]

Kelly? I am SO sorry, my internet cut out unexpectedly and has been down for the last little while... damn rogers and damn snowstorms...

 

its good to see you're making progress, kelly... I hope you're feeling a little bit better.

[KellyLeighC]

I'm not really sure if I'm "feeling better" or "making progress" or not. I think I'm losing my mind instead.

[ilovethatgirl]

You need professional help, Kelly. Random people typing over the internet can only accomplish so much. And your mom and grandma won't help you - you need to do it yourself. You need to find someone, who KNOWS what they are talking about, who have training for this sort of thing, either on the internet, or in person, or whatever. You need to find someone who cares and understands. I'll look for emergency workers in your state, but you need to look too, and go through with seeing them.

[KellyLeighC]

I'll look. If Madeline and Pat will let me go see them, I can see them.

[ilovethatgirl]

This isn't a matter of let. This is a matter of necessity. It doesn't matter WHAT has to be done to see some help, it isn't as important as remaining alive and sane.

[KellyLeighC]

Mom keeps telling me, "I'll do it," I ask her, "When" and she just puts it off: "When I have the time." She's pissing me off so much that I want to just haul off and belt her a good one.

 

The FIRST chance I get to see Doctor Rivera, I'll tell Pat I need to talk to him alone. Once I get him alone, I'll tell him "I'm having to deal with a friend's suicide on my own. Pat and Madeline aren't bothering to help me in any way, shape or form. I need help. Is there any way you could help me find someone who could do such a thing please." He ought to be able to refer me to someone who can help.

 

If Pat and Madeline don't like that idea, both of them can bend over and kiss my butt as far as I'm concerned.

 

I don't know when my next appointment with Doctor Rivera will be, but I'll tell him what I wrote above when I get to see him.

[ilovethatgirl]

Good for you, Kelly! I'm proud of you for taking these steps. I hope - I know - he can help you.

[KellyLeighC]

I hope he can do something to help me with this, because my own family sure doesn't give a damn about what I'm dealing with.

[Angel_baby]

I hope he can do something to help me with this, because my own family sure doesn't give a damn about what I'm dealing with.

 

I think you should tell him how depressed you are feeling right now to

[KellyLeighC]

Last time my mother and grandmother came in on me and found me crying my ass off over Will, both of them asked what was wrong like they had no idea; I told them "WHAT THE F---DO YOU THINK IS WRONG," slammed the bedroom door in their faces and locked it. I can't handle it anymore. I just can't handle it anymore.

Grandma came in at 2:00 today and asked me what was wrong; I told her, "Nothing, I'm fine; get out of my room and shut the door"- she asked me if I'd had a seizure; I told her I hadn't had one and told her to get out- she went in the other room.

At 4:16, I heard her making a call to Mom; Grandma said "Kelly's doing all right;' I yelled "DOING ALL RIGHT, MY ASS" through the bedroom door at the tops of my lungs. I'm not 'all right.' I'm never going to be 'all right' again.

I've told both of them I'll pay for the therapy myself if it comes to it, but they're not even TRYING to help me. They're just sitting on their butts. They won't let me call anyone myself.