I was unjustly banned from the suicide.org forum- someone should have the forum destroyed-

[KellyLeighC]

Maybe this idea may sound stupid, but I've been thinking it for three weeks straight: If I ever get married to someone who really loves me and my husband and I are able to have a baby of our own; if we have a son, I'm thinking about choosing William as one of his names. Dumb idea, huh?

 

And you said "people in this situation would likely come to me and I'd be able to help them"? How can I help other people when I have no idea how to help myself?

[Angel_baby]

Acceptance. I haven't reached that point yet. I know he's on the other side of the veil now, but I don't think I've reached the 'acceptance' point. I doubt I ever will.

 

I'm still bouncing between depression and wanting to kick the crap out of him. Will's still my friend, that'll never change, but I still want to give him that kick.

 

Believe me I had someone dear to me die and it hurts so bad for awhile and the pain doesn't go away BUT it does change to a different form of pain. You learn to accept the death, with time. Time is your friend here and I know it feels like your enemy right now.

 

We need to focus on getting you some help Kelly

 

I shouldn't be blaming my friend; it's my fault somehow because I wasn't able to be there for Will at that time to help him. I might have posted this message before, but I did something terrible at some point in my life and this has to be the punishment I get for it. I deserve this pain now; I know it.

 

If this knife through my heart could just go deep enough to finish the job that e-mail started and kill me, I'd be thankful.

 

You are NOT at fault. His death is what HE chose. NOT you. You didn't tell him to do this.

It is very common to revert the blame to yourself when you are grieving but I want you to know that this isn't your fault at all.

 

Maybe this idea may sound stupid, but I've been thinking it for three weeks straight: If I ever get married to someone who really loves me and my husband and I are able to have a baby of our own; if we have a son, I'm thinking about choosing William as one of his names. Dumb idea, huh?

 

And you said "people in this situation would likely come to me and I'd be able to help them"? How can I help other people when I have no idea how to help myself?

 

This is not stupid at all, not at all.

[KellyLeighC]

I'm not trying to say that I don't want help; I've been trying to do something myself toward getting it, but Madeline and Mom won't let me:

At 8:00 this morning I told Madeline to stay off the phone because I'd need to make some calls or something later today and she just said "you'll cause a problem."

Madeline doesn't give a flying f___ about anything or anyone except herself. SHE JUST EXPECTS ME TO "STRAIGHTEN UP" OVER THIS AND GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?! I CAN'T!

She came in here at 9:00 am and told me she was making breakfast; I told her to "leave me the f___ alone," slammed the door in her face and locked it. Mom came over at 10:30 am and both of them yelled at me again- they told me they don't want me calling anyone and causing a problem for them. "If you call someone, you'll likely wind up in Circles of Care," is what they keep telling me. I don't need to be bakeracted and locked up; I need grief therapy.

 

Ever since I found out about Will's suicide, I have begged them over and over to do something, anything to help me with this and they just blow it off; and now they won't even let ME try to help MYSELF?! I might as well just give up.

[amipushy]

How long ago did he die? How long were you friends? How close were you, by that I mean did you share secrets, were you soulmates or was he just someone you hung out with from time to time and had fun with? Were you lovers at some point?

[KellyLeighC]

How long ago did he die? How long were you friends? How close were you, by that I mean did you share secrets, were you soulmates or was he just someone you hung out with from time to time and had fun with? Were you lovers at some point?

 

We weren't lovers. Will and I were really good friends; we hung out a lot and had fun together. We were friends from the day our mothers introduced us; I think I was about ten or eleven. I always felt like he was one of the only friends, if not the only one, I had. We talked a lot, so I felt like I could share secrets with him. We found out we shared a love of Eric Clapton's music; he played the electric guitar, I played the harmonica. "Layla" was one of our favorite Clapton songs. Our friendship bond grew rapidly from there. I got to a point where I felt Will was like a brother to me; the elder brother I could never have. Will was the first person to see past my seizure condition and see ME.

 

He took his life sometime back in the first week of February, but I find out about it through this "trickle-down" e-mail I get from both my father and his mother on September 11. They e-mail each other and tell each other about it, I just get a message from my father saying "Rosie's son killed himself" and I assume it was her other son, James. But Rosie e-mails me September 11 and tells me "I thought your father told you about Will. . ." Since then, I've been stuck in an emotional hell.

[amipushy]

I understand he may have died a several months ago but that this is all new to you and you must feel devastated and angry that you really were one of the last to know.

 

You must have so many why's and what if's going through your mind right now but give yourself some time, grief is an inevitable but natural process that everyone goes through, in varying degrees and depths.

 

Understanding the process might help you as it will give you a clue to what is going to happen next and it removes the fear of what will happen next and how you are going to feel tomorrow, next week, next month etc but after the grieving process is ended, the inevitable result will be healing and moving on despite never forgetting them, so I have found some good websites that might help you help yourself right now.....

 

 

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[KellyLeighC]

I understand he may have died a several months ago but that this is all new to you and you must feel devastated and angry that you really were one of the last to know.

 

When it comes to describing how I feel now, 'Devastated' and 'angry' are understatements.

 

When I'm not on a twenty-four hour crying jag, I'm constantly wanting to beat the living crap out of Madeline and Pat. They've had a lot of stuff hocked at them. If they come in my bedroom and make ONE negative crack about Will, I've hauled off and thrown something at them.

Madeline made a negative crack about Will last month: "that boy was nothing to you. . ." I told her, "WILL WAS SOMETHING TO ME; HE WAS MY FRIEND!"

When I heard her say what she did, I told her to get out of my bedroom. She started saying crap like "it's my house, it's MY room. . ." I told her I was counting to ten; she had that long to get away from me or I'd put her in the hospital. I started counting down; when she walked out, I slammed the door after her and locked it. She made another negative crack; I grabbed a boxed deck of cards that was laying beside me on the bed and threw it at the door as hard as I could. She yelled 'what was that noise;" I cussed her out at the tops of my lungs.

I'M LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS AND SHE KEEPS SLANDERING HIS MEMORY?!?! His memory's the only thing I have left of my friend now; I'm not just going to sit around and let her do that.

[ilovethatgirl]

Wait, you think that other forum doesn't care because the moderator made a long-distance call to stop you from killing yourself?

 

PS: Anyone who is slandering your friend's memory and ignoring your pain, even if they are your parents... maybe I'm being too hard, and someone correct me if I am, but really, WHAT ASSHOLES. I can't BELIEVE these people who are SUPPOSED to be your mother and father are doing this. This is NOT normal nor is it acceptable.

 

While usually help from a person in... person is best, since apparently that isn't available, we'll do everything we can to help you through this. We're here for you. Vent at us, rant at us, scream at us, cuss at us. We'll help you get through this.

[KellyLeighC]

Wait, you think that other forum doesn't care because the moderator made a long-distance call to stop you from killing yourself?

 

That's the wrong forum. The forum where the moderator called long-distance was "The Light Beyond Bereavement." The link removed forum was the one that banned me.

[ilovethatgirl]

I have to say I have a great deal of respect for the light beyond then... not everyone, nor, sadly, even most people would do that.

[KellyLeighC]

Anyone who is slandering your friend's memory and ignoring your pain, even if they are your parents... maybe I'm being too hard, and someone correct me if I am, but really, WHAT ASSHOLES. I can't BELIEVE these people who are SUPPOSED to be your mother and father are doing this. This is NOT normal nor is it acceptable.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. And this isn't my mother and father; it's my mother and grandmother. My father's living out in Phoenix, in Arizona; I'm pissed at him because he was involved in sending the e-mail that told me about it! His mother sent the message to my father; he sent it on to me.

[ilovethatgirl]

However I do see your methods in response to be way, way over the top. Sending them abusive messages? Trying to attack them with a virus? Come on now. That makes me wary of even allowing you to be a member here as well.

 

What's more important, keeping nasty words off the website or helping someone in tremendous need of help?

[ilovethatgirl]

I agree wholeheartedly. And this isn't my mother and father; it's my mother and grandmother. My father's living out in Phoenix, in Arizona; I'm pissed at him because he was involved in sending the e-mail that told me about it! His mother sent the message to my father; he sent it on to me.

 

Sorry, misunderstood - I got here late

 

Is it fair to be mad at him? He hasn't slandered his memory or done anything except let you know something you should know. Have you tried turning to him for support? I'm sure he knows you and what would help you a great deal more than we do.

[KellyLeighC]

Sorry, misunderstood - I got here late

Is it fair to be mad at him? He hasn't slandered his memory or done anything except let you know something you should know. Have you tried turning to him for support? I'm sure he knows you and what would help you a great deal more than we do.

 

I don't think he cares what I'm going through. Last year, he told Mom something along the lines of "She's grown up now; I'm not responsible for her; if she ever comes to live with me, she either listens to me or I'll put her outside- she can sleep under a bridge"- That bastard.

 

I sent him an e-mail two nights after I found out about Will telling him, "THANKS FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH AN EMOTIONAL HELL, YOU (EXPLETIVE)"

[ilovethatgirl]

I know what it feels like to be alone, Kelly - probably not to the extent you are feeling, but I know what that feels like. Humans have a drive, a need, for other Humans, and when bereft of that, they feel unaccomplished, miserable, and sunken in despair.

 

You need to realize that you are NOT alone, that there ARE people who care - us for example, from reading your messages I can see you're going through a LOT of pain and my heart is almost breaking for you.

 

Do you think you are able to go out and try to meet some new people? Or are you just not ready yet? It's been my experience that in all grief, there is the stage where you HAVE to be alone, to be otherwise would be detrimental. Just be sure it doesn't go on TOO long.

[KellyLeighC]

I've begged my mother and grandmother repeatedly to do something to help me and they just blow it off. Madeline (grandma) keeps saying: "that boy wasn't anything to you, you need to straighten up" and she gets me so pissed that I've wanted to kill her. I felt like I was getting a little bit of help on The Light Beyond forum, but the moderator called Mom from Italy and told her about a plan I'd made of my own and posted on the forum.

Mom came over and told me "you've probably lost your computer over this"; she wanted me to bring her the computer and bring up the site; I brought it to her and just bolted from the house when they weren't looking.

All I was thinking was "Kelly, you can't talk to these people, you can't trust them, you have to run. It's your only option now. Run as hard as you can and get away from them." When they realized I was gone and came looking for me; they found me three blocks away crying my ass off. This young man was playing basketball with his son; he asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth-

I can talk to a total stranger about this and they're willing to listen, but my own family doesn't care.

[ilovethatgirl]

They looked for you, didn't they? They were concerned. No parent has experience with dealing with children. Even if they've had nine children, each one is different. They're just winging it. They're making this up on the fly. They're doing the best they can - likely they don't mean to slander your friend's memory, they're just trying to help you move on from him, though I have to say its definitely not the best way to go about it.

 

Maybe try apologizing to THEM (I know, it sounds crazy, and it will hurt like HELL apologizing to people who have hurt you so much) and then sit down and try to talk to them calmly. Whatever you do, DON'T rise up and get angry. Coldness is ok, but DO NOT yell or scream or shout. Explain what you're going through, why what they're doing is NOT helping, and remind them that nobody knows you better than you, and that what they're doing is the opposite of help. If they want to help you, they need to do X, Y, Z.

[KellyLeighC]

I already went through that with them. I apologized for running off and tried talking to them calmly, but they're still refusing to get me any grief counseling. Pat and Madeline still don't care. If they really cared, they'd be trying to get me help.

Any time I mention Will's name; Madeline comes up with one of those cracks again. . . "The boy was on marijuana; the boy wasn't anything to you. . ." and she's twisting that emotional knife deeper.

I've been spending almost all of my time now locked in my room, playing our two favorite Eric Clapton songs, looking at this picture of Will that his family posted on a memorial page and crying my ass off 24-7.

The only times I'm eating are when they're shoving food at me. Most of the time I just leave the food alone and come back to the bedroom and the computer.

[ilovethatgirl]

First of all, start eating. Hunger can actually add to feelings of depression and misery - or rather, being comfortably full can help with it.

 

That was a very mature and respectable thing you did, and I am at a total loss to understand why they would continue to do this. You need to call a hotline or SOMETHING. There is only so much we can do over the internet. You need someone's shoulder to cry on, and it's hard to type that.

 

There is one option: head for the Hospital. Go to the emergency room, and tell them you are in serious danger of trying to kill yourself. I'm not sure if you're in Canada or the United States, so it may differ, but what happened with me (I went through this) was that they admitted me to the proper ward and I was given access to councillors and therapists. A forewarning: Once you go in, you're not allowed to leave permanently on your own until they have deemed that it's mentally and emotionally safe for you to be out there.

 

Another option is to call a hotline. There are quite a few with therapists on call, if you give me a minute I'll get some numbers for you.

 

PS: Aah, I see your in the US.

[ilovethatgirl]

Here are a few numbers:

 

1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-8255

 

These are both US numbers - if you live in Canada I need to know the province because they're listed by province... *sigh*

[KellyLeighC]

That was a very mature and respectable thing you did, and I am at a total loss to understand why they would continue to do this.

 

By that are you talking about my taking off and trying to get away from them? I live in the US.

[ilovethatgirl]

By that are you talking about my taking off and trying to get away from them? I live in the US.

 

No, I'm talking about your returning and apologizing.

 

Which isn't to say the taking off wasn't understandeable - in your position I'd have probably done the same thing you did, with probably a few more swears, screams, and threats of physical violence.

[KellyLeighC]

Since I heard about Will, I've literally been too sick to eat.

[ilovethatgirl]

It probably started out too sick to eat, my guess is that now its sick from not eating. Even if its just a bunch of soda crackers, you need to fill up.

[ilovethatgirl]

Listen Kelly I've got work now so I won't be back for a while - promise me you won't do anything to yourself or anyone else, and try to think about everything I've said, ok?