I was unjustly banned from the suicide.org forum- someone should have the forum destroyed-

[KellyLeighC]

(maybe I've already posted this message; if I have, sorry for the double post)

 

I tell my grandmother over and over that I need help over this; I'm distraught and crying my ass off and all I keep hearing from her is "You need to straighten up, that boy wasn't anything to you." Will WAS something to me; he was one of the only friends I had.

 

You think maybe if I asked his mother and she said it would be okay, THEN I might be able to use it? I just sent an e-mail to her asking about it.

 

I really wasn't meaning to cause any problems.

[amipushy]

Then she is wrong, he meant something to you and he possibly meant everything to you and she doesn't understand this but it doesnt matter. Nothing matters. But there becomes a time to move on, its not good to be stuck "playing the record" over and over. It can make you ill.

 

Grief is a process not an event. It takes time, probably years and years but this doesn't mean that we should stop living,and nobody wants that for you.

 

You CAN love and grief AND live at the same time. Nobody said it was easy, and it's not. Its hell on earth but we must keep moving because if we don't we dwell on the bad stuff, we dwell on the the death itself and we lose that love. It gets replaced by bitterness and hatred, and eventually if we are not very careful we feel bitterness and hatred towards the person we grieve for making us this way, understand?

 

We MUST move forward. And it is the main reason why I brought up the pic- you must get you back first and foremost and removing his pic is a good start on that journey to finding you again.

[amipushy]

 

You think maybe if I asked his mother and she said it would be okay, THEN I might be able to use it? I just sent an e-mail to her asking about it.

 

I understand the tribute thing but why do you need to use his picture, what does it do for YOU except tie you to him?

 

Does he really need his picture on some random site to be remembered? Does he need to have a tribute lest people should forget? Surely those (like you) who loved him will NEVER forget him however many pictures there are of him posted?

 

Will you accept her answer if it is a no? And what will you do then?

[KellyLeighC]

I don't hate Will. I'm pissed at him that he took his life, or course; I've even vowed to give him a good, hard kick in the ass over it when I finally see him on the other side of the veil, but I DON'T hate him. Does this make any sense? Can you be angry with what someone DID and not hate them at the same time?

 

I'll accept Rosie's answer if it's a no. If she says for me not to use Will's picture, then I won't use it. I really didn't mean to cause any problems; I was just trying to do something so I could personally honor his memory.

[amipushy]

I Can you be angry with what someone DID and not hate them at the same time?

 

ABSOLUTELY! And as someone who doesn't even know him I am standing right behind you in the queue to give him a good hard kick up the a** and I am sure that most of the people in the whole wide world are standing right behind me.

[KellyLeighC]

First, I'll give him a hug and tell him that I've missed him. Then I'll haul off and give him that kick. "AND THAT'S FOR YOU TAKING YOUR LIFE!"

[amipushy]

Have you been to see him? Talked to him? Told him what an absoultely stupid thing he did when he could have turned to you and you would have helped him?

[KellyLeighC]

Oh, I'll make sure he hears that; he'll have me screaming it at him at the tops of my lungs when I get up there.

[amipushy]

Oh, I'll make sure he hears that; he'll have me screaming it at him at the tops of my lungs when I get up there.

 

Smiles, what a good friend you are.

[KellyLeighC]

He's still my friend, but he did the wrong thing and I'm going to make d___ sure he knows it: "Didn't you care about the people you'd hurt when you did this?! You weren't thinking, were you?! Will, you were like a brother to me. When you took your life, you put everyone who loved you through hell. Your family, ME. . . all of us. "

[amipushy]

I'm sure he knows that already and I think you have to accept that for now. Take that forward with you as you move through each minute, hour, day without him.

 

Acceptance and time heal the deepest of wounds.

[KellyLeighC]

Acceptance. I haven't reached that point yet. I know he's on the other side of the veil now, but I don't think I've reached the 'acceptance' point. I doubt I ever will.

 

I'm still bouncing between depression and wanting to kick the crap out of him. Will's still my friend, that'll never change, but I still want to give him that kick.

[amipushy]

I understand but kicking the crap out of him means kicking the crap out of someone who was emotionally unable to deal with the pain and hurt inside him. He didn't kill himself to hurt, he stopped the hurt from killing him.

 

Accept that he saw his future as living a hell and couldnt see another way out, because he couldn't.

 

Surely now you suffer the way you do, you now have a small glimmering of the intense suffering he felt and couldnt deal with any longer? Don't you feel that you would do ANYTHING to be freed from this suffering?

 

Forgive him.

[KellyLeighC]

I understand but kicking the crap out of him means kicking the crap out of someone who was emotionally unable to deal with the pain and hurt inside him. He didn't kill himself to hurt, he stopped the hurt from killing him.

Accept that he saw his future as living a hell and couldnt see another way out, because he couldn't.

Surely now you suffer the way you do, you now have a small glimmering of the intense suffering he felt and couldnt deal with any longer? Don't you feel that you would do ANYTHING to be freed from this suffering?

 

Yes. Right now, I'm living a hell of my own now thanks to this, and the only thing I want is to take that same path myself. I'm not crazy, I'm just so hurt over this that I can't handle it anymore. . . Every night since I got that e-mail I've asked God to please let me just go to sleep and not wake up. Apparently, I must have failed Him as a daughter. Otherwise, this knife wouldn't still be through my heart.

I guess all I'm doing now is waiting until a time comes when I'm left alone in the house and I get a chance to act.

[amipushy]

You are not dealing with this because you will kill yourself, you have a much deeper reason for suffering than that.

 

It is inevitable and your destiny that you WILL be someone that people turn to, someone that people trust to share their experiences with, someone who can talk to people and explain what it feels like to be on the other end of suicide. Don't you feel that?

 

How do I know all those things? Because you are a deeply caring person and now you know (unlike him) how it feels and you will NEVER knowingly put someone else in your shoes by conscious choice and I think we both know that, deep down inside..

 

And you will, in time, accept and forgive him, and you will be a stronger, wiser and more capable person because of this experience because you are an accepting and forgiving person and I think we both know that too, deep down inside..

[KellyLeighC]

I've been constantly thinking about taking my life since I got that e-mail. Maybe I'm just a coward. I don't know anymore. I remember the last seizure I had earlier this week, I was in the shower; I'd purposely closed the drain so if I had a seizure I'd end up drowning. Sure enough, I had a seizure. My grandmother was in there helping me wash my hair when it happened; she had no idea I'd closed the drain on purpose. I wish she hadn't been there; I wish she could have just left me alone and let me die.

[amipushy]

You can think what you like, thoughts are just that... thoughts. Think what you like but do not dwell.

 

You have a destiny, a purpose, and a life that needs living.

[KellyLeighC]

You have a destiny, a purpose and a life that needs living.

 

I wish I knew what those reasons, destiny and purpose were. Right now, I feel like a trapped rat running through a maze. I miss Will more than words can express. . . I'm already dying emotionally over this and my own family's refusing to get me any kind of help.

[amipushy]

I do know how you feel. God knows I wish I didn't. But you can pick yourself up and carry on and I think it starts like I said at acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting that he has gone, and that he did not do this to cause you pain helps to forgive him. I don't think that he (or anyone) would want you to be like this or would want to be blamed for your suffering when it was not his intention.

 

I think that many people cannot believe the extreme suffering that comes with the death of someone close. There is no getting away from it and it is horrendous. You cannot click your fingers and make it all go away, and as I said before grief is a process that is dealt with over time and accepting that is important to recovery. And sharing your bittersweet thoughts of him e.g. wanting to hug him and wanting to kick his *** is a very good start on that road to recovery. It also tells me that you are still a loving and beautiful person inside, and are far too precious to give up on life now.

[KellyLeighC]

I do know how you feel. God knows I wish I didn't. But you can pick yourself up and carry on and I think it starts like I said at acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting that he has gone, and that he did not do this to cause you pain helps to forgive him. I don't think that he (or anyone) would want you to be like this or would want to be blamed for your suffering when it was not his intention.

 

I shouldn't be blaming my friend; it's my fault somehow because I wasn't able to be there for Will at that time to help him. I might have posted this message before, but I did something terrible at some point in my life and this has to be the punishment I get for it. I deserve this pain now; I know it.

 

If this knife through my heart could just go deep enough to finish the job that e-mail started and kill me, I'd be thankful.

[amipushy]

You're going through something that all grievers go through as part of the nautral grief process, and that is blaming themselves when its not your fault. It really is not your fault.

 

Even if you had been there and talked him out of it, there would probably been a next time and a next time , and a next, and if you weren't available on those occasion would it still have been your fault too? Wouldn't it have made more sense for him to seek professional help?

 

He made the decision to walk away from all help and you were not his professional counsellor and you were NOT the person responsible for his happiness- he was. Whatever you did or did not do- you did not cause his death, you were just living your life day to day as most people do so forgive yorself for being a average person who did not understand.

 

Nobody DESERVES grief, its a natural event and mass of emotions that happens when someone dies, everyone feels like that in varying depth and degrees. Its not because you did something wrong, it happens becuase it is a natural process. It doesnt matter if he had died of natural causes, the grief would still be yours to bear, its there because you loved and cared for him.

 

And there is no knife in your heart. Feeling overwrought and stressed causes much the same result, it is only the "sympathetic" part of nervous system playing tricks on you and there will be no internal knife that comes and ends all suffering ... acceptance and forgiveness does that.

[KellyLeighC]

My grandmother keeps b__ching at me: "You didn't act like this when your grandfather died".

I told her "Grandpa didn't kill himself; he passed away in his sleep, the way I hoped he would." I got a chance before my grandfather passed on to tell him how much I cared about him. Everyone in our family did. I miss Grandpa, too; but I know he's at peace on the other side of the veil.

 

 

However, I find out about Will's suicide SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH through a freaking TRICKLE-DOWN E-MAIL. . .and everything goes STRAIGHT to hell.

[amipushy]

Shrug it off. Nothing matters. Not really. The only thing that does matter is you getting yourself out of that hole by acceptance and forgiveness of everyone and everything.

[KellyLeighC]

I wish I knew how to get out. "Acceptance and forgiveness of everyone and everything," you said? How can that happen when it's impossible to forgive and accept yourself?

I've NEVER been able to do that in my life. Never. I've got crap back in my life from when I was four that I can't forgive myself for. It's gotten to be too much; it feels as though I'm holding up a large weight and if I even move or look in the wrong direction the entire thing's going to fall. What was the name of the Titan in Greek or Roman mythology who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. . . . was it Atlas? I feel like I'm in his position. And with the added burden of Will's suicide, I feel like I'm walking a tightrope at the same time.

I may not have been his counselor, but I cared about him. As I may have mentioned in earlier posts, I felt like Will was the only friend I had.

[amipushy]

I wish I knew how to get out. "Acceptance and forgiveness of everyone and everything," you said? How can that happen when it's impossible to forgive and accept yourself?

 

You are just like everyone else so just be. No more, no less.