i need some help this is breaking me

[kinz143]

Hi Guys, seriously need some advice....

 

27 year old guy dumped exactly a month ago by 27 year old girl. Were together for 6 intense months. In that time she said she loved me, hung out loads, went away on 3 holidays...were really close. Our familes all met and all was so good we started to talk about my marriage. Im asian and in our culture that normal....all was good so I thought.

 

I was becoming happy but within the relationship as much as she was happy she said she was fighting battles and was not 100% there to continue to be with me. Petty arguments and bickering wore her out. I was quite clingy so that pushed her away. And she said I didnt think before I spoke and hurt her too much. She has high expecations but says she wants a simple life and I dont bring that to the table. But 1 chance and I know I prove her wrong.

 

So she ended it, I begged and pleaded and cried! Past month tried contacting her no joy. She rang me to meet up. We did and she told me she felt bad but had to do it for herself. She said she becoming her oldself and is hurt but finding ways to cope and be happy and glad she escaped. She did cry alot when saying all this and wanted hugs and hold me. She said she not IN LOVE with me anymore but cares for me and does not want me to hurt and to be happy in life, but cant talk to me if I keep bringing US up or get emotional on the phone.

 

I want her back so much and told her how much I love her. How sorry I am, how much ive grown and learnt and truly want to make her happy. It killing me she ignores my calls and texts and says maybe in time we could be friends. Her friends and family are telling her to move on. She a very strong and stubborn girl too with an independent upbringing and mind.

 

When we were good we were amazing, but there were tears and tantrums that scared her and pushed away. I would do anything for one final chance. She happy Im in misery.....

 

What can I do? What are my options.....I love her and want her back and want to make her happy? I had my chance and blew it and you dont realise what you got until it gone. She being so ruthless and cold and showing no emotion or warmth to me.

 

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[redhearts]

You can't make someone love you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Something tells me this was too much too soon...all within 6 months. You can't make someone love you. The only thing you can do is walk away. She made her choice and now you have to walk out of her life and work on the issues you have...neediness and clinginess. I would also suggest taking the next relationship a lot slower.

[kinz143]

in fairness it wasnt so much the time we had together.

 

She was happy with where we got to and what we did and in our culture in normal to progress quite quick.

 

But it was the errors I made that hurt her. But i really hope this is a salvageable situation and that inside she does feel love to me but doesnt want to show me???

 

Whenever I ask her can will we ever get back together she says MAYBE, I dont know!!! But then is adamant about what she wants now. She wants her freedom, good times with mates and reinvent herself.

 

But she says Im a great person and treated her well just was not happy enough and didnt make her happy enough.

 

the month gone has taught me so much. I just want to show her and make her happy.

[Eirikr]

Falling out of love happens. I happened to my ex, and that's one of the reasons she broke up with me. She didn't love me.

 

She didn't love me.

 

Facing such fact is soul-shattering. Worse than anything I can describe or imagine. I feel your pain. I know it, just too much. One of those moments I wish one could forget memories and feelings for at least some time, until they're not painful anymore.

 

The way I see it, you have only one option.

 

Go NC.

 

With all that entails.

 

I won't lie. Ahead of you are many days of pure pain. One has to go one day at a time. Don't contact her at all. She knows you miss her and love her. She knows. You beat that to her head several times.

 

Time will pass, and she'll either realize she wants you back, or move on. Your mindset should be that whatever her decision, you don't care. You're working on moving on. You don't need her to be happy. Being happy is an attitude. Each of us is to make their own reality.

 

If she comes around, you'll deal with it then.

 

Meanwhile, let it go.

 

I'm sorry about how you feel. I'm going through the same thing too.

[redhearts]

In her mind, she fell out of love and has moved on. You haven't and you want to work on a relationship that isn't there.

[kinz143]

thanks red hearts....BUT

 

she did say she was in love with me and happy only a few days before she ended it....

 

and when I saw her the other day she cried for ages....she wouldnt cry if she didnt feel anything inside....

 

it cant all be hurt....we were so close but she just wasnt sure so backed out......

 

she glad she made the decision she has but surely she doubting herself.

I havent given the best impression of myself since we split. Calling/texting/being emotional.....she said she just wants a normal guy who can make her happy.

 

I can be that guy but need an opportunity. She even said Im her first real love. When we 1st got together she was crazy for me. Since I showed my true feelings she slowly became distant.

 

She over analyses and expects perfection. Everyone says I treated her good and loved her well.....she even agrees. I dont want to argue with her or make her upset.

 

What can I do? I love her I want to be with her and make her happy and do all that we planned in life....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She may love you but that doesn't mean anything if she doesn't want to be with you. I would suggest disappearing from her life by going NC. This way you can put the relationship into perspective and work on yourself. If she does indeed love you then time apart will only strengthen that love, not diminish it. Giver her space to think, give her time to see what life is like without you in it...and give yourself time to work on healing and making yourself an emotionally healthier person.

[kinz143]

Well she rang me very angrily and said she dont want to hear from me.

 

That she had enough of me and Im the only one in the world that has the ability to upset her as much.

 

She said she not over me and needs time over me to get over me and vindicate her decision to end us based on her future happiness and when she ready she will call me and attempt to be friends in at least two weeks.

 

she told me to get over her and hopes i will be ok. i want to be with her and make her happy but she wont listen and associates me with negativity. I love her and it is hell what she said to me.

 

what shall i do? is there anyway this is salvageable?

[romeo1546]

What did you do that upset her so much? From what you've told us you were only a bit clingy and there were some fights but every relationship has fights. Is there something else you have done that has upset her so much?

[kinz143]

I argued with her unnecessarily at times and took out my issues/worries on her rather than explain how I was really feeling.

 

I got angry a few times, but not psychotic...just like other guys blowing off steam. But always apologies and listened to how it made her feel.

 

But she says she put a lot of emotional investment in me and I hurt her too much by not heeding her advice and stopping the arguing and bickering and snapping.

 

I do love her but it upset her too much. I can see her point of view but told her I would change and listen and do all I can to make her happy the way she desires. In a healthy way for both of us.

 

But she adamant that i wont change and her life will be as it was when we argued/bickered and it frustrated her alot and made her cry alot. She is sensitive and I should have been more delicate in truth. What can I do?

[j.man]

If her concern is that you won't change - prove her wrong. Take a step back and work on yourself. I don't talk to my ex even though I still love her and miss her. Tomorrow will be the first time I say anything to her in awhile, and that will be in a simple, one-lined 'happy birthday' message, free of any drama. It's easy not to talk to her because the space we have provides me with the best atmosphere to grow.

 

Think about it this way - would you want your girlfriend to have to rely on you in order to make herself a better person? Or would you want someone independent enough to grow for themselves, and share with you the benefits of it? This may very well be what's going on in her head, and your insistence of being with her when it's very evident the bad things she saw in you and your relationship dominate her perception will only destroy any chance of reconciliation in the future.

 

Look, if she loves you, her heart will be open to you until she finds someone she loves more. Take your time, have your space, look back at your relationship from the distance you're at now and figure out what went wrong with both of you. It will take time, and you'll find that what you once thought was the main problem was caused by another problem, and that problem caused by another, and so on, until you finally do identify the base of it all. Find it, change it, so you don't have to feel this pain again in the future when you're with whomever you love, whether it's her or another woman.

 

One of two things can happen. One, you'll have changed, and presented yourself to her appropriately so that she can have a chance to comfortably see it, and she may give you another shot. Two, she'll find someone she loves more, who's a more compatible person for her to share her life with. It may hurt to think of it, but if you do love her, you know you'd be happy with her, and it would give you closure.

 

I know it's hard, it took me some time to realize it, but step back. It can't happen right now.

[Kahdeksan]

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain... but you have to realize this, it is OVER... six months is too short a time for her to have any incentives of coming back to you if she left on such petty circumstances.

 

Thing is, she saw your life and her life play out and was spooked by it. Marriage might have been the one major factor contributing to it and the other is your neediness and pessimistic dramatization.

 

She's stubborn as you said and independent, and taking those into account, you're an object to complement her life not to enhance it. Stubbornness breeds pride and her pride is far too much to suppress on the account of reconciling with you.

 

Work on yourself by not being too codependent and overly dramatic... that breeds an unhealthy pessimism in an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

There is nothing you can do for her, on her account... you cannot force her to love you, nor to come back to you. And you certainly cannot achieve that by imploring her to doing so.

 

Slowly, let it sink in to you that this is over... I'm sorry.

[kinz143]

she still wants be friends in time which is positive?

 

the 6 months was timewise short but intense with what we did and achieved in that time. Surely that is in her head. She said she has feelings for me and must get over me and I should do the same.

 

Does that not mean she still in love? She said she had hopes and dreams with me but I did not match up to her expecations.

 

I tried emailing and telling her how Much personal growth I have done in past month and given the time with her she would be so happy to have someone like me.

 

But she holds onto her decision as much as it destroys her and me up.........

 

I want her back so much

[Kahdeksan]

I doubt being friends is even a possibility with you two. Seeing as your feelings toward her are so intense and the brief time the two of you spend together. This doesn't really give her any incentives to value what the relationship once was... You are the dumpee she is the dumper, try to see it from her perspective, my friend.

 

To me, she would much rather forget this whole fiasco as a mistake. I seem harsh, but the sooner you realize this the sooner you can accept that this is indeed over. You will then find your closure.