Eirikr

Day 34 (but soon will be back at 1) I'm human. I caved in. I did though with a strong reason in my mind, even though perhaps in other's eyes it's another lame excuse to break NC: I sent her an email telling her that even though I said I needed NC, she may contact me to talk about us. It might be for nothing, but I had that doubt in me just torturing me. Now, no matter her response (or lack thereof) I'll have the peace of mind that I told her that. I confess myself rather jumpy and nervous (just sent it a few moments ago). I know I'm truly far from being ready for LC, as I'm still too emotional, even though it has been over a month. All in all, I want to believe this will set a milestone for either better or worse. Perhaps hope finally dies, or perhaps it'll be justified. I'm trying to expect the worse. That case if it's bad it won't be so bad, and if it's good... well, great! Well, what's done is done. I'll get the reward/punishment for my action. For once, I dare say it, I don't think I'll regret doing it. I just felt it had to be said. Now there is nothing in my mind that I could do. It's all on her. Meanwhile, I truly focus on myself, on moving on.

:sad: Exactly my feelings.

Sorry to hear Stelinha. Don't let it get you. What's done is done. Day 33 After getting past the month, I felt a lot more stronger. I went to a party which was a bit awkward, since I didn't know the host really. Kind of strange to show up at a stranger's place. I went to socialize and have fun. It turned ok. I'm glad I took that risk. Today though, I find myself less strong. For some reason I feel rather bitter and angry. Frustrated. I feel like I hate love, and what I had with my ex. I know it made me happy, but what I feel now is hatred. Hate to feel this pain. She said she'd love me forever. Well, if she did, she'd at least contact me to know how I am. Of course I told her I didn't want her to contact me, and of course I meant it. But if she feels anything for me she'd do it anyway. Well, it's been over a MONTH and nothing. So, conclusion so far: she doesn't love me. Well, great. Then why the f*** do I love her? Who's sick idea was for me to feel this way for her and for her to feel nothing for me? It's frustrating me that I can't do anything about it. It makes me so angry to be so helpless. Every other day I see my empty mailbox and realize what I've been wanting to see. If she loves me she would be here with me. So there, that's a daily reminder she DOESN'T. And here I am, bitter and furious and crying. I love someone that isn't here. I have so many things to do. Things that if I fail could mean very bad changes in my life. She used to be there, you know? Supporting me, giving me strength and hope. She believed in me. Now I get to defeat my obstacles alone. And I will do it. I got to where I am by myself. I'll prevail.

Day 29 Tomorrow I'll have reached the first goal: a month of NC. It feels like it was a year a go that I started this, in a way. After being with her for almost two years (and one of those years as a couple) I feel odd, as if half my life left me. It's so horribly sad. It's hard to understand that that part of my life is over. I can't understand it. How to understand when something so precious and beautiful ends so abruptly? Mind you, it wasn't truly abruptly, but it felt that way. One day we were together, the other she didn't want to be my love. My mind tells me that she did the right thing. We couldn't be together in the short term. Of course, she didn't truly give it a chance for starters. Add to that my belief that anything is possible as long as you truly want it, and I understand the whole thing even less. I would've moved to her, done anything to make us happen, because I believed in us and our love. But she didn't. I've read people saying that when you love someone, nothing can stop that person to try to reach the other. No matter how many obstacles are ahead. The fact she saw the obstacles and gave up is a clear indication she didn't feel the same way anymore. Months ago she swore to me she'd love me forever, that we'd be together and share our lives. That we were soulmates, and she couldn't see her life without me. It's so sad only I could keep my oath. When I talk to her about this, in the far future, I'll suggest to her to never promise that again, not when she can't say if she'll be able to keep it. Of course she did mean it then, but now... Now I'm at my place, alone, thinking of her and wishing she'd jump the single obstacle that I put between us. The wall of NC is nothing but a curtain, really. It's so easy. An email or a phone call. It isn't hard at all. It doesn't take more than a minute. The email is even free. I can't make her jump over the obstacle. If she doesn't want to... ... perhaps she doesn't deserve me. Maybe she's afraid. Maybe not. It doesn't matter. When I reach my second month, I'll try to decide what's best for me. I do want to talk to her if only briefly, just once, and then go back to NC, but without telling her (unlike now that I told her I was going NC to heal). That'll tell me if she truly doesn't care. That's the plan so far. Time will tell.

Day 28 I totally get Ryan and challenge. The pain of being just discarded is deep. But their loss. Say it. Believe it. They don't know what they're missing. For me, today was a good day overall. Haven't gone for meds, as suggested. I didn't finish my project on time, but worked hard today (for some reason today I could THINK) and turned it in, if only a bit late. After turning it in, I began to work on the other project I have overdue, but found myself wanting to finally take a step back and relax. It's been a hell of a month. Been working around the clock, with the progress of a snail on sedatives. Or maybe on pro-depressants. Yep, pro-depressants, which are antidepressants's arch nemesis whichIjustmadeup. Today I find myself alright. I still feel pain, still miss her, but it's not the horrible pain that makes me unfocus, sick and wishing I could dig a hole and hide there forever. A friend suggested me to start casual dating. I confess myself mostly against it. I know I'm not ready, and (believe it or not) feel like I'd be cheating on my ex... which is silly but... it's just how I feel. Cheating on my date too. I love someone, and that love hasn't faded. If only that love was returned. Hence my friend pushes me to date. To focus on someone else. She helped me build my profile in two dating services, despite my uneasiness about it. But I'm grateful that she's helping me out somehow. Maybe she's right. So far one girl has shown interest. I find myself rather torn about it. If only my ex contacted me... All I know is I don't know anything. I want to focus on ME, but truth is, I've -always- had trouble being selfish, in anything. My ex knew it well. Well, she knows me well. So well. -sigh- One day at a time. Almost a month. When two months are reached, guess I'll think about my options.

Day 26 Four days for the first month of NC. I began the day strong, convinced that the fact I know where and how I am had made me stronger. Right now night has come, and strangely enough that has put me down. I read about melrich's discovery on facebook and that put me rather depressed. Like a week ago I visited my facebook after many days of not doing so, and for curiosity (and against my best judgment) I searched my ex there. She's there. I didn't know she had a facebook account. That fact means that either she created it recently, or some time ago and didn't tell me. I have a bad feeling about it, and what if's just came flooding when I realized this. Naturally, it made me feel pretty bad. Right now I feel pretty bad. My chest hurts a lot. Trying to stay calm and positive. Not assuming. No what ifs. This is about me. It's staggering. I've never been so hurt. Mind you, hurt by myself. What are we, masochists? No, we must be better. Tomorrow I have a project due. I'd say I'm halfway done, but who knows. I'll try my best to finish. If last year my dad passed away and I managed to finish my thesis and graduate despite the pain, this should be as doable. Damn my luck. Two years in a row that I have a major scar to my soul. But I'm lucky. I won't let this defeat me.

Day 23 Today started with me feeling horrible. My throat has been killing me. I've read somewhere heartbreak can cause your defenses to go down. Makes sense. Between trying to work hard on so many things I have to do, having sleepless night or oversleeping, eating scarcely and the overall heartbreak things haven't been close to OK. I called in sick for my work, and planned to work on school projects. Yet with all the time I had, I wasn't able to work at all. It has been something between exhaustion, sickness, heartbreak pain and plain unwillingness that has kept me from working. I accepted it as the one day of leisure I can get. It might come back and bite me later, but I guess its best to work the whole weekend on a rested mind than 3 days with half a mind. I just hope tomorrow and Sunday I can actually focus and get things done. I know during the weekend I'll inevitably think of things that we used to do, my ex and I. I'll wonder if she's doing some of them at that moment. I've been doing the same every weekend. Not on purpose, mind you. If it was for me, I'd put every single memory of her and hide it far in my mind so I can't see it until needed. If only. While some parts of the day I was depressed from the whole thing, some parts of today I thought of those things we didn't have that I -could- have with someone else. My roomie's girlfriend was over last night, and I overheard them laughing and talking until late at night. I sighed. I want that. I'd love to have that. I recalled his girlfriend coming over before he did, to prepare a romantic dinner for him. I thought that overly sweet. I confess my ex was very sweet, but rarely did something for me in advance. I loved to give her small gifts every month, and then randomly, to remind her that I loved her. I loved to kiss her and hug her. I played guitar for her. In that respect I feel some sort of satisfaction that I did everything for us. Yes, it was rather one sided, especially the last months. But I didn't care. Even though we didn't have some things other couples do, I understood. I had made a choice to be with her, and to be honest despite all reasoning against it. All because of one little fact. I love her.

I'm glad you're happy Ryan. It's sad for you hulk. It's so hard to go back to step 1. I hope you find some closure, or things get better. Hopefully the latter! As for me, Day 22 (no point not counting the days I started NC) So, it's been a month and ten days since that fateful day in which we broke up. -Forty days-. Forty days of having my chest in the most horrible knot. I'm half glad I only cried the first two weeks, but half wish I could just let the emotions flow now to let my pain be lesser (or so I believe). I've tried not to think too much about it, hence not getting -overly- emotional. Why is this so hard? Well, it's simple. I love her. It's so unfair, for my love to be... disregarded. No wonder one's ego goes down the drain. She had half my heart, and just tossed it like nothing. It's not fair of me to say that though. I know it wasn't easy for her to break up with me (btw, getting to HATE the word "dumped" SO MUCH). It might not be easy for her now. I'm sad. I half wish it is difficult for her. Even painful. My worse part of me wants her to suffer at least half of what I've suffered. "Justice". But I say no to justice. I love her. I want her happy. The hardest path is the one of unconditional love. To love and care, not without -expecting- any of that love returned, but -no mattering- you get loved, is a harsh path. A sad path. A painful one. Because you know you ache for that love to be returned, if just slightly. Instead, you love, and feel the silence and indifference tear you apart. Bleeding you. Taking you down. To a side, a cliff of self-destruction. In front, the fog of uncertainty. Walking barefooted, with thorns getting into you. And then you smile. Your love is too great and too pure to let go. Just keep walking. There are only rain clouds in my sky.

Day 2 Gosh, this is so hard. Today I've missed her SO MUCH. It's been one of the -worse- days since I started NC three weeks ago. It's so painful. I just miss her so much it hurts. I find myself daydreaming of getting two months past NC. I confess I want to contact her then to test the waters, and if things remain the same truly forget her and date then.The idea of not knowing if she's wondering if she did the right thing is in my mind, even though I try to put it away. I want her to realize what we had is truly rare. That the level of understanding we had was so special and unique. I keep looking at my mail, because of emails from work and school, and every time I see there's no email from her. That reminds me she doesn't want to contact me. She doesn't want me. I'm almost praying she's reconsidering. I want to tell her I know my faults, as she knows hers, and that I want to work things out. I really do. If only she -wanted- to work on it. I just can't get how easy it was for her to just give up and break up. Easy in a way, since I know it took her many moments of thought, but still. Isn't what we had worth fighting for? I look up at the sky and hope she wants it as I do.

Well, it's been almost a month, but guess it's a good compromise! I sign up. Date is Tuesday, Oct 14th. My goal is NC until Nov. 14th or until contact, in which I'll be horribly careful. All those that post here, I want to let you know your posts don't go unread. I don't get to read -all-, but I read most, and it's really moving to find people that feel what I feel. So, anyway, day 1 (not counting the last 3.5 weeks of NC already). My day has been focusing on school, to a degree. I have to say "a degree" because the truth is I can't truly focus since the break up. The pain comes in waves, and it has proven such a horrible partner. It never leaves. I have this knot in my chest, the emptiness in my being, so true and so big. I barely sleep some days, other days I oversleep. I sort of eat. I'm alone. As alone as someone can be, with the internet and such. I moved away last year to a city very far from what I called home. No real friends or anything. Pretty much live by my own. No pets. All I have is a mountain of school projects due (grad school can truly suck) and me. I have to try to focus. I must get good grades. I have no error margin, truly. I just have to do it. I'm sick too. Cold hooray. So cold + heartbreak + exhaustion + workload = ](*,) If only I could focus. Things barely make sense, and the simplest things take me thrice the effort to do now. So, trying to think less of her, at least trying to just think of her only "a special time". Sadly, lately I've failed on that and she just pops in my mind 95% of the time. This is silly. C'est la vie, eh? If only I had -time- to exercise