can anyone understand?

[daniel698]

Hey everyone, thx for reading, i hope you can help

 

Ive just started seeing this girl from work, shes a lot older than i am, about 7 years older. But that isnt the problem, the problem is that i have never really been able to hold onto a relationship for very long, i have always wanted the same thing, which is to have a long term relationship. Im not one of those guys who does one night stands and things, but anyway i met this girl at work bout 3 weeks ago and we started seeing each other basically from the first week. I really like her and i want things to go a lot further but my problem is that i would rather not bother with a relationship that i know has no future. The problem being that i dont know how things are gona go within the first couple of weeks, and ive already had a talk with her about us and i think i probably freaked her out a bit, shes just come out of a really bad relationship (about 2-3 months ago). My idea of having this talk with her was to ease my mind and so that i no that there is a possibillity of us actualy having a long term relationship, to which she did not say no to, but things were left at we will see how things go and that she does not want to rush into anything. Im just a very in-secure person and i always think the worst of everything, and i just dont want to get hurt. You see the problem with my other girlfriends is that most of them have just wanted sex and when they find out after a few weeks i want something serious, they say goodbye. how can i tell if she will be any different? and how do i stop myself from overthinking everything like i always do, i dont wana mess this up and i just need some reassurance that im just not being used for sex. If anyone has any helpfull comments please post them, i need some help!

Thank you

[Batya33]

Dating involves taking some risks - with your feelings and with your judgment about the other person. My friend and her future husband discussed their intentions on the second date (and probably the first), while others wait months. However, discussing it early on because of your insecurities, rather than from a perspective of confidence, can be off putting -- if I am just getting to know someone romantically I'd prefer not to be subjected to their insecurities in any significant way -- I need to feel and see that the person is reasonably secure and confident if we're going to see if there is potential for a serious relationship. If she is sensing that you are asking out of fear or insecurity, that could come accross as a turn off or a red flag to her - it's too overhwelming.

 

On the other hand I think it's fine to discuss general goals early on - first or second date - that you want to get married and have a family, career goals, where you want to live, etc - but hold off asking her where you stand until you've been dating at least a few months and until you are able to refrain from subjecting her to your insecurities in any significant way. Obviously we all have insecurities and vulnerabilities- I am talking about a matter of degree here.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe telling us a bit of how the dating has progressed, and how you two have been spending a lot of your time together, and the general course of it may help.

 

I do agree with Batya's above post.

 

I also do think there are patterns we tend to follow if we are used to operating from an insecure place of view.

 

It's amazing how it can be like night and day once we shift from listening and acting predominately from the insecure parts of us, to the strong and confident parts of us.

 

So the reason I ask about how this relationship has progressed and developed so far is really just for you to see if there is a familiarity here like you've seen in your past.

 

Some common types of pitfalls when insecurity is ruling the roost is stuff like:

Rushing in fast, emotionally and physically sometimes

Overlooking facts in favor of how someone makes us feel (ex: maybe a pattern of dating people who just got out of a big relationship and have not yet healed up from that yet, or unavailable people in many sense of the word unavailable).

 

Etc.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that if you really want a chance at success - just in general to find a relationship like you want - you need to put the work in to nip the insecurity to a manageable level and go in with the clear mind that a sense of security gives you.

 

Please trust me on this, a lot of it is just practice!!

 

You'll worry less about the outcome, worry less in general, because that nagging sense of not being able to trust your own judgment of people/situations will fade into a background noise rather than running the show.

[Daligal83]

I agree with the above posts and just wanted to add that I don't think you're in a bad situation. She knows what you're looking for and didn't say no to it overall, but just isn't ready to commit to that right now. And you shouldn't be either. You guys don't know each other that well yet. It takes time getting to know someone to really know if you want to be in a serious relationship with that person. Rushing it causes problems. There's a difference between letting a girl know that you're looking for something serious and looking for something serious with her when you're having that kind of conversation early on. Just enjoy getting to know her and see if you really even want that kind of relationship with her.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

itsallgrand got the nail on the head.

 

Try and find the common denominator in your previous relationships as you may be repeating some patterns that females arent attracted to.

 

I do feel sorry for guys sometimes, they are expected to be stronger than us (females) and to be honest, I think some of us females are emotionally much stronger.

 

Some of us are emotionally as hard as 'old hob nail boots' as my nan used to say!

 

Your obviously a gentle soul. Maybe your picking the wrong females for you? Try to discover what it is your attracted to in your choices and work out why. This may help you make different choices and ultimately find the right girl for you?

 

I hope so..you sound a nice guy,

 

lots of luck, Hope x

[daniel698]

Thank you all for the replies, really appreciate it. I think all of what you have said make perfect, my next step is to just try and not worry about gettin hurt. Thank you!