Should I Stop Being Her Dirty Little Secret?

[CrapAtNC]

Hey, there.

 

Quick question:

 

My ex and I broke up about 18 months ago, mainly because she has a huge wall around her heart that prevents her from relaxing with me, showing she loves me, being affectionate, etc. She went all out to prove to the world that she was over me, that I was constantly harassing her, that I couldn't let her go, that she didn't want anything to do with me, and that she just wanted me out of her life so she could move on.

 

And she did a very good job; I sensed very clearly from mutual 'friends' that I needed to leave her alone.

 

But the reality was that, whenever I did move on, she'd do all she could to bring me back. She's spend hours and big bucks calling me while I was away on 'moving on' holidays abroad, would cry when I made it clear that I was no longer interested, would get back in touch with an email after three days of NC, and did all she could to get me back when I starting dating others.

 

We remained affectionate up until last month, and became lovers again on several occasions. We dated at least twice a week, and even went away on vacation together. And all of this was in secret, because she didn't want anyone to know that she was still into me. I'm sure it's because she was also dating others and didn't want them to know that she was still attached to the ex.

 

Well, she's gone very cold again now, after I told her I was leaving the country to go home (I'm leaving because life is too short and precious to be wasted trying to get someone to acknowledge that we should be together, and also for study). There's no longer any friendly contact - though she has come back to work for me within my organisation. She refuses to give me the photos I've been asking for, from her camera, of us together on holiday (she'll only send the ones that show me and not her). And she desperately wants to prevent me letting anyone know that we went away together, lest they know she really is still keen on spending time with me.

 

I have a couple of online photo albums where I love posting images. My holiday photos (the one I went on with her) so far look like I went alone, as I've catered to her demands and cropped her out of any pics she's in and been careful not to show that she was with me. But she told some of her friends she came with me, but only regarding the 'work' part of our trip (a conference).

 

But I don't like being a secret, and I don't like propagating this story of hers that I'm the one who can't let go and she just wants me out of her life. We've been affectionate ever since we broke up, and she was an important part of my life for the last two and a half years. I don't want to pretend it never happened, and I also want to show that I'm not crazy and she did choose to remain in close contact with me.

 

I asked a usually sensible friend of mine if I should just go ahead now and add the images of her to my online holiday albums, including Facebook, and I was surprised when he said he thought it was a good idea; he said it would show her once and for all that I wasn't going to march to her beat any more, live her lie for her any more, and demonstrate that I really can move on because I accept she'll probably stop talking to me once I do it and that would show that I really don't care now.

 

What do you think? Would it be unkind of me, ungentlemanly (though no images of her in bed, for instance), disloyal or unwise in any way? Or is it a great way for me to really let go of our secretive past and show that I'm only prepared to have an open and honest relationship from now on: if she wants to stay hiding behind her wall - fine - but I'm not doing it any more.

 

I'm tempted to do this. I know there'll be fallout, but I think it'll be a release for me and a call to reality for her. Any thoughts?

 

Cheers!

[Dragunov-21]

Personally I wouldn't if she works in your organisation, because it would put you both in a compromising position.

 

By all means let her know that you need to be left alone and are your own man, and tell your side of the story to people who know, but I don't think that bringing it into a professional context would be the right thing to do.

[Karmageddon]

She is the one who seems to be being "disloyal" by not even allowing your "existence" to your friends. Do what you want with the photos, but what a horrible way to live. She's playing a stupid mind game and perhaps lying to others. Well if shes lying & the photos come up, to bad. If she is going to be embarrased, to bad. This is what happens when you propogate a lie. Honesty has no rules & really nothing to fear. Good luck to you. I hope you find yourself a sweet girl who is excited to be seen with you in all your photos!

[Caterina]

I don't think she's treating you well at ALL.

[eVertigo]

Wow. This woman has really got some control issues, it would seem. I'm sorry she is treating you this way, it is incredibly unfair; you seem like a sweetheart of a guy with a lot to give, and no one deserves to be treated this way.

 

If she didn't want to be in photos with you or for them to be made public, she shouldn't have posed for them, she shouldn't have gone on holiday with you and she shouldn't have lied about it.

 

Do whatever feels right to you and don't worry what she thinks of it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I am not a big fan of these social networking sites where people post pictures and they don't really care who else is in the picture and who may or may not want their picture posted for the world to see. I think rather than focusing the photos as a way to "prove that you are not dancing to her tune", why not just stop being in contact with her..and next time she contacts you to start the dance all over again, tell her in no uncertain terms that you are fed up with her games, you tried to make it work, she keeps you as a secret and you are no longer interested in being treated like that...have a nice life. A decent person does not treat someone like a dirty little secret.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow. This woman has really got some control issues, it would seem. I'm sorry she is treating you this way, it is incredibly unfair; you seem like a sweetheart of a guy with a lot to give, and no one deserves to be treated this way.

 

If she didn't want to be in photos with you or for them to be made public, she shouldn't have posed for them, she shouldn't have gone on holiday with you and she shouldn't have lied about it.

 

Do whatever feels right to you and don't worry what she thinks of it.

 

Posing for pictures with someone does NOT mean that you agree to them being posted online. Posting online has nothing to do with going on vacations with people and posing for pictures. It is one thing if it was a fundraising event or a work-related event..then it is a given that the photos may be posted online..but private people should NOT assume that just because they have photos of someone that those photos should be posted online. It really is an invasion of someone's privacy.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

move on...

[eVertigo]

Posing for pictures with someone does NOT mean that you agree to them being posted online. Posting online has nothing to do with going on vacations with people and posing for pictures. It is one thing if it was a fundraising event or a work-related event..then it is a given that the photos may be posted online..but private people should NOT assume that just because they have photos of someone that those photos should be posted online. It really is an invasion of someone's privacy

Fair enough. I get where you're coming from. I actually got very upset at a ex-boyfriend who posted pics of us on his Facebook profile from when we were together... but this was only because he posted the pics after we we'd been broken up for weeks; we were not on good terms and not even in contact with one another. Were I still in contact with the ex and had even agreed to go on a holiday with them, I think it would be different. And I still think you shouldn't include yourself in photos that you don't want anyone else to see -- seems a bit ridiculous.

 

But you're right; CaNC should just let the issue of the pictures go and tell this woman that if she is not willing to be honest about their friendship/relationship, there is no friendship or relationship.

[CrapAtNC]

Just dashing out, but thanks all for the great advice ...

 

More later.

 

Cheers!

[Caterina]

I just think she sounds like she doesn't treat you right. No one deserves to be "hidden", I mean what is up with that?

[majord23]

Crap,

 

Bottom line: You are seeking reconciliation.

 

Key Question: Will this bring you closer to it?

 

Answer the question and act accordingly.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

So what do you really want here? If you've broken up with her again, why even post pictures of her at all? Are you just angry and trying to stick it to her?

 

It sounds like you had a very problematic and unstable relationship to begin with and probably shouldn't be together. Whether it was a dirty little secret or not, you both played this game, and it seems to have turned into a control game between you (never a good sign for a healthy relationship).

 

If you're broken up, just let it go. You're moving on and away, so the rest is just petty games and no point to it.

[CrapAtNC]

Yes, it was a problematic relationship, and should my moving on bring her running again, I'll break the pattern with some conditions. She has problems; so do I. But I like this one, and she me (and that's the root of the problem). She hates what she loves because she thinks it will just hurt her. Will I support and nurture that any more? No. That has to end. Her problem can no longer be my problem.

 

I read all the responses with great interest, and I think I know what to do:

 

I won't post the pics. But I won't lie to her friends or mine any more. I'll keep moving on. And I'll reward the behaviour I want more of and ignore as much as I can that which I want to discourage. I switch focus from her to what's important to me, and then see who comes along.

 

Lots of great insights here, and I'm being careful not to disregard those that hurt the most with their truthfulness.

 

Cheers, all.

[deang]

crap you know what to do...remember the cocky confident guy you were and do what that guy would do. Who cares if you post pictures or not...do things because you want to do them not because she or anyone on here thinks it's a good idea or not....for awhile you were in a good place and doing what you needed to do to ...now get back there!!