Never thought it would be this hard to meet someone...

[DaBladeRoden]

That's pretty much my only hope, women who have run out of more appealing prospects.

[Daligal83]

You and me both need to work on our confidence. I think it will help us.

[LostTranslation]

You don't want someone that's settling! I'd rather be alone than be with someone who settles for me.

 

I `ll drink to that (tonight)

[Daligal83]

Well I was supposed to go out tonight...but my friend is exhausted and may not want to go now. I understand because she has a three year old daughter...but I turned down two other plans. I don't want to stay in tonight. Even though it's raining...ugh. Hopefully she'll call in a bit and say we're going...but since she already started talking about not going...I have a feeling it's off.

[cpc28655]

If it were easy, would it really be worth it? Personally, I like a good challenge.

[Daligal83]

I think my other problem is I can't read guys. It has to be obvious for me to realize a guy is flirting with me or hitting on me.

 

Like this guy at the gym. I have a huge crush on him. He's younger than me...but that's a whole other issue. I think he is way out of my league. He does things though that make me think he could be interested, but then I think he could be dating this other girl who works there (she's ten years older than him). But I feel like if he seems me talking to a staff member, he'll get into the conversation somehow. Like today, I was in the personal trainers' office talking with my trainer, which has windows that look into where the free weights are. He had been lifting and came over in front of the window and struck a bodybuilder pose, in a goofy way. Then he came through the door and started talking to us and joking around. He does this a lot. But he's so much more attractive than I am...and may be dating someone. I just can't tell!

[Batya33]

As frustrating as it is, as long as you are being warm, approachable and friendly you have to believe that a man who is interested and available will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. You don't need to analyze signs because what's the harm of being warm, approachable, friendly, even flirty even in the worst case scenario where it turns out he is not interested and/or has a girlfriend? That's his job to tell you.

 

Reminds me of a former friend of mine, a teacher, who had a major crush on a younger male teacher. He was flirty, they had loooonnngg conversations about everything, spent all their breaks together, she even wrote him a letter telling him how she felt about him (mostly the friend part but she made it clear she was very interested). He didn't ask her out and he didn't tell her he wasn't because of their working together. He never made a pass at her but he was flirty.

 

All her friends, and her therapist insisted he was into her, that it was just a matter of time. Except me for the reasons I wrote above. She was angry with me for disagreeing with all of them, would send me long emails listing the daily "signs" of his flirting with her, what he said to her, how much time he spent with her.

 

About a month or so later he casually told her he lives with his girlfriend. She questioned him as to why he never said anything earlier and he said that it was his personal business - nothing to do with their job.

 

I figure - why waste all that time (and money on therapy) obsessing over signs if the guy isn't asking you out? I never say "never" (unless the guy is taken) but you just continue your friendly flirting and live your life, keeping all options open.

[Gratsy]

Look- don't view anyone as out of your league. Just have fun and flirt.

[Gratsy]

Wow- good post. I was in a similar situation...it would have saved me three years of obsessing over it if I just accepted that he wasn't asking.

[Daligal83]

That is very true Batya. Thank you. What about those times when the guy is just too shy? The guy I'm talking about doesn't strike me as shy...but I'm just asking in general. I mean you read on here all the time about guys who want to ask out girls but are too shy, nervous, or are just not sure if she's interested. Sometimes with those guys, doesn't it help to take that step?

[annie24]

That is very true Batya. Thank you. What about those times when the guy is just too shy? The guy I'm talking about doesn't strike me as shy...but I'm just asking in general. I mean you read on here all the time about guys who want to ask out girls but are too shy, nervous, or are just not sure if she's interested. Sometimes with those guys, doesn't it help to take that step?

 

oh yeah, taking a step is good. but of course, if you take a step or two and they still don't reciprocate, best to back away, right? like batya's friend, after she didn't get a positive response to the letter, she should have taken that as a sign. i'm guessing he finally felt uncomfortable enough that he finally told her about his live-in gf.

[lady00]

Well, I think in situations where you are not sure if they guy is too shy, you may suggest getting together in a very casual way like "we should hang out sometime." Even the shyest of guys has to see this, in combination with flirting, as an obvious invitation to ask you out. If they don't, they probably aren't interested.

[Batya33]

That is very true Batya. Thank you. What about those times when the guy is just too shy? The guy I'm talking about doesn't strike me as shy...but I'm just asking in general. I mean you read on here all the time about guys who want to ask out girls but are too shy, nervous, or are just not sure if she's interested. Sometimes with those guys, doesn't it help to take that step?

 

In my experience, no. I do think it helps to be encouraging and straightforward with your interest, but let the guy do the asking. I understand that there are shy people who post on here who would like to be asked out. I think if a woman did that and continued to ask them out (which she would have to do if indeed he was that shy) that it would become a turn off.

 

In general, a man who is nervous or not sure if a woman is interested will get up the courage to ask her out on a date if he is that into her. If he isn't that into her he will prioritize avoiding rejection.

 

Also, if a man is that shy in general that he can't even ask a woman out on a date even if she shows clear interest, would that be a man you would be compatible with in the long run - if he is that shy do you really think asking him out once will do the trick? Hey, maybe the answer is yes - more power to you if that is someone you would be compatible with.

[LAYAAN]

As frustrating as it is, as long as you are being warm, approachable and friendly you have to believe that a man who is interested and available will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. You don't need to analyze signs because what's the harm of being warm, approachable, friendly, even flirty even in the worst case scenario where it turns out he is not interested and/or has a girlfriend? That's his job to tell you.

agree 100%. I have wasted plenty of time talking to men who seemed interested but never asked me out. But I think they were not interested enough to go ahead n ask me out.

[Daligal83]

I think it's funny how many different opinions you can get on a thread. You can get chastised for wanting to wait around for a guy to ask you out, and encouraged at the same time. It gets confusing!

 

I think you are right though Batya. I think if I'm just friendly and put myself out there, a guy who is interested enough will ask me out. But then I have to sit back and figure out what I'm doing wrong. I do see myself as a friendly and outgoing person. Of course if I like the guy...I find it impossible to say a word to him. I can talk to anyone about anything, but can't start a casual conversation with a cute guy. I still rarely get approached though. I don't know what to do about this.

[astromantic]

I have to agree with Batya here. She has plenty of experience and I've read some very good posts from her here. I found what she has shared in her experience is mostly true. My male friends are around our age (mid 20s) and time and time again they tell me, if a guy is truly interested in you, no matter how nervous, how geeky, how shy, they will eventually build it up in their gut and find some way to ask you out eventually. I guess the guys that do post here that say they want to be chased are exceptions to the rule. One of my male friends honestly said to me that all it really does is boosts his ego but if you, as the girl, didn't catch his eye to begin with, he wouldn't really treat you all that seriously.

 

I've also had my fair share of duds. Most guys I meet only want to be friends, nothing more from me and I try my best not to let it hinder me in life. I understand how you feel, how difficult it is to meet someone. I've been out of school for a little more than a year but haven't found anyone too hook up with. Even old classmates aren't an option as most of the guys I know are all going back to school, still in school, doing more advanced degrees or just want to stay single after spending so much time in school!

[pianoguy]

Well, it's not the 19th century anymore- girls are just as much allowed to ask guys out. If you're interested in somebody, you should ask them out. I understand that you're nervous, but guys are too, and we manage to get over it somehow, so you should be able to as well.

 

If you don't want to ask people out, that's you're prerogative, but don't complain about your lack of dates.

[Batya33]

Well, it's not the 19th century anymore- girls are just as much allowed to ask guys out. If you're interested in somebody, you should ask them out. I understand that you're nervous, but guys are too, and we manage to get over it somehow, so you should be able to as well.

 

If you don't want to ask people out, that's you're prerogative, but don't complain about your lack of dates.

 

Of course they're allowed - that's been true for a very long time. It's just not an effective way in general to find a serious relationship - especially if the woman does more of the asking out in the beginning than the man. It can be very effective to get a few dates or to have a fling. I've asked guys out - sure at times I was nervous but it was no big deal. But I believe based on substantial, collective experience that it's not effective despite men often being flattered by it. Interest can be shown by a woman in many ways without asking the man out.

[DaBladeRoden]

Well from my experience asking out women is not effective. So that just throws everything off.

[Batya33]

Well from my experience asking out women is not effective. So that just throws everything off.

 

It depends which women you are asking and how you are asking. I never said it would definitely be effective to find a relationship, just that it isn't effective for a woman looking for a relationship to ask men out.

[pianoguy]

Of course they're allowed - that's been true for a very long time. It's just not an effective way in general to find a serious relationship - especially if the woman does more of the asking out in the beginning than the man. It can be very effective to get a few dates or to have a fling. I've asked guys out - sure at times I was nervous but it was no big deal. But I believe based on substantial, collective experience that it's not effective despite men often being flattered by it

 

I don't think that's true in the vast majority of cases- maybe in your case. Both my parents and my grandparents were relationships initiated by the woman, and it seems to have been a "serious" relationship since I now exist. About 1/2 of my married friends were also initiated by the woman. Perhaps it's a generational thing, but certainly in my generation women are just as much expected to take some initiative for their relationship happiness.

[lady00]

Perhaps it's a generational thing, but certainly in my generation women are just as much expected to take some initiative for their relationship happiness.

 

Not in my experience. But, we've all seen different things. I go off personal experience and that of my friends and acquaintances. Yours have been very different, so it makes sense that you feel this way. I don't think it's a generational thing though.

[Daligal83]

I wrote this on my other thread, but I did take an initiative today. There is another guy (OK two other guys haha) at my gym that I think are attractive. I had been kinda waving and saying hi to one of them. I kinda felt like he was going to talk to me, but couldn't because I was talking to someone else. So when that conversation was done, I just went over and talked to him. I'm proud of myself!

[pianoguy]

I wrote this on my other thread, but I did take an initiative today. There is another guy (OK two other guys haha) at my gym that I think are attractive. I had been kinda waving and saying hi to one of them. I kinda felt like he was going to talk to me, but couldn't because I was talking to someone else. So when that conversation was done, I just went over and talked to him. I'm proud of myself!

 

That's wonderful!!! Good for you! Wasn't that fun??!

[Daligal83]

It was! Two problems though. One is I cannot pronounce his name for the life of me (he's not from the US). I'm going to get it right though. The other, and like I said on my other thread that I might get completely flamed for this, is that he works at a dollar store. I don't have the highest paying job in the world, but I do have my masters and it's important for me to be with someone who is also well educated or is working toward a good career. But I didn't really ask about it, so maybe he's in school, or maybe he couldn't find any other work. But if this is just his plan, that wouldn't work for me.