Daligal83 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I've been single since April and am ready for a new relationship and have been for awhile. I'm extremely happy with my life right now (OK, I don't like my job at all but somehow it doesn't affect my overall happiness). I get out there to meet people. Bars aren't really my thing, but I'll even do that occasionally. I'm out on the weekends. I go places I enjoy where I might meet someone who also enjoys the same things. I'm an outgoing and happy person. Yet I've met no one. I've been on ONE date since I broke up with my ex and that's because my friend set us up. When I go out, no one approaches me, even if I'm making that eye contact that says it's OK. I have one guy hitting on me at the gym, but I'm not interested. The guys I do want to hit on me don't go beyond eye contact, if even that. I've made a lot of new friends lately...but they are all around 20 years older than me, sometimes more. Not people I can date or who can really introduce me to people I could date. Why is it that I can befriend people older than me so easily, but when it comes to people my age, it never happens? I mean people always say that you just get out there and you'll meet someone. Well over the weekend I'm at the bookstore with a friend (I absolutely love to read and would be happy if the guy I dated liked to as well). We end up meeting a very nice guy and talking to him a lot. He's 42. It always ends up that way! I talk to my friends. They say that their friends are mostly in relationships and the ones that are single are single for a reason. Maybe it's me? I've looked at online dating sites. I'm not really comfortable with it. I'm not saying anything is wrong with it, but I just don't think it's right for me. I'm just frustrated and don't know what else to do. I know five months doesn't seem like a long time, but I fell out of love with my ex in November, and we broke up in April. So it feels like it's been a lot longer than five months to me. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 eh, that's life. don't worry. just enjoy being single for now..... maybe reconsider dating sites. especially one like eharmony where your photo is only shown to your matches, not the entire world. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I have friends who are single for a reason. Because they don't settle, because they want a relationship but don't need one to be fulfilled. Sorry, what your friends said is just silly. Older people may know younger people for you - they know you, don't they? Link to comment
havefaith Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Stop looking, that does the trick for me good to see you around dali!! Link to comment
Gratsy Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Honestly, I had a hard time finding someone, to. But I think it really has to do with your environment. Its hard to find an environment where young, available men are constantly encountered. I finally found one recently. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 Hey havefaith!! I haven't seen you for awhile. And I LOVE your icon...I'm waiting for Season 4 to come in the mail And my Dwight bobblehead is shaking it's head while I type haha I wouldn't say I'm necessarily looking. I just kind of do things I enjoy and just make sure I'm out there to actually have the chance to meet people. But when I go out, it's not like with the purpose to meet someone. That's too much pressure. I think they said that their friends are single for a reason because they have issues that prevent them from being in a relationship. Or they just think we wouldn't make a good match. I don't know. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I find people, they just don't find me back Link to comment
pianoguy Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Well, I've been single since March and have had zero dates- so you're doing better than me! Seriously, though, don't get too down on yourself- just keep plugging away at it. Link to comment
pianoguy Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 BTW I notice that you keep saying "want them to hit on me." What's stopping you from hitting on guys? If you're unhappy being single you owe it to yourself to take some initiative approaching, not just waiting to be approached. We don't live in a world anymore where the guy always asks the girl out. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 BTW I notice that you keep saying "want them to hit on me." What's stopping you from hitting on guys? If you're unhappy being single you owe it to yourself to take some initiative approaching, not just waiting to be approached. We don't live in a world anymore where the guy always asks the girl out. Bingo! _____________________ Link to comment
gbpack Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 well at least your not 22 and have braces hahahaha cuz i do..... i go to bars, meet girls, but they all think i am like 17 years old because of my braces... kind of sucks but oh well... im still having the time of my life right now... just hope i can get these things off my teeth cuz i seriously think that is the reason why i cant find a girl to get into a relationship with....i think the braces turn them off Link to comment
May_It_Be Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I have friends who are single for a reason. Because they don't settle, because they want a relationship but don't need one to be fulfilled. Sorry, what your friends said is just silly. THANK YOU for clarifying this. SO MANY of my friends just settled for their partners, got married, started having kids ... and I'd rather be dead than be in their pathetic, hopeless, loveless situations. So I have no idea what your friends are talking about. Heh. Prolly don't want to admit that they themselves settled, too. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Thank you Batya and May It Be, I find your replies inspiring. OP, I hear ya. Today I was thinking about the same "settling" issue. I wonder if females and even males come to a point where they just want to give in, b'coz waiting may or may not bring a better opportunity. Honestly, seriously think about it. How many relationships are we gonna get in n out of before we finally find that one man? Its emotionally very draining. Thats why people just settle with whatever they get for the fear of ending up lonely n bitter. They try to find the path of least resistance, I guess and thats it. I've tried my best to get out of bad circumstances and follow my inner voice and have faith. I've prayed for strength but as I'm ageing I do fear that one day I'll just break down and give in. I'll not be surprised if I behave that way. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Not even settling brings me any results. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Are you over weight ? Do you have particularly high standards ? Having standards is fine, but you must understand that means you probably won't meet someone when you want to (which is now). You sound unhappy being single maybe you should look into settling. Settling within reason that is, don't feel pressured into dating someone who is disgusting or too old. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 I do think it's important to distinguish between settling and your wants/needs evolving as you get older. For example, when I was in my early 20s, a man who was 25 pounds overweight or more was a dealbreaker. Later on, it wasn't. Nothing at all to do with settling, I just realized as a I got older that my "overweight is a dealbreaker" was a hollow broken record playing in my head with no substance to it and when it came down to it I found myself attracted to overweight man as well as average weight men. Same thing with how I wanted a "cool" guy in my teens and early 20s - I loved going out dancing, loved checking out the guys, what they wore, how they spoke "cool" - and if they were popular and hot, wow, even better. Later, I couldn't care less and I never felt like I was giving up a dream or something on my "essential" list - I just grew out of it. There were other things like this which were not settling, just evolving. On another thread a young woman (teens? 20s?) wrote that being with a hot/gorgeous guy was really important to her. I can relate in the past sense - used to be important to me, too. But now, it seems so foreign, strange to me that someone would actually prioritize that when looking for a serious relationship (as opposed to arm candy). 20 years ago, I would have agreed and been automatically jealous if I heard nothing else about a friends' new bf other than that he was really hot looking. I do have friends who settled -- and at times, I have settled temporarily - big difference. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 Thanks for the responses guys. As far as settling...that's never something I've been willing to do. My last ex was a great guy who treated me right, but he wasn't the right one for me. I'd rather live a life alone than settle. I know I need to work on approaching guys as well. It's hard for me. CP, I'm not overweight but I'm also not confident about my body. I'm very tiny on top and heavier on the bottom and I can't stand it lol. I don't think I'm that attractive, so it's hard for me to approach guys because I never think that they'll be interested. I am working on it though. Even just smiling and saying hi. I'm getting better. Once a conversation is started, I'm usually OK. Or even if I'm just given a chance to start a conversation. Like the guy at the bookstore, he was peeking around me and apologized because he was just looking for a certain book, so I asked what book he was looking for and it led to a whole conversation and a new friend. Seemed so easy but it never happens with guys my age! And don't get me wrong, I'm all for dating an older guy, but more than ten years is past my comfort level. Besides trying to approach guys more often (again, I'm working on it)...I don't know what else to do to help myself out here. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Daligal, I know I'm preaching to the choir but I've gotta say whoever made up the "standard" "he's a great guy (or she's a great woman") and he treats me right" followed by "but he's not right for me" - makes no sense to me. What does it really matter if someone is a "great" person if you're a person who's looking for a love match (rather than a marriage of convenience), and what does it matter if he is a gentleman, respectful, etc if the way in which he treats you doesn't do it for you? Hey - a great person who treats you right - is essential - but only if he is right for you, and if you are inspired by his "greatness" to give to him in a loving way - and a romantic loving way. It always sounds like someone is describing acquiring a puppy when that "well he's a great guy and treats me right" is used. And anyway, if you really ask yourself, he didn't treat you "right" because it takes two, right - you "fell out of love" but what triggered that for you was the neediness you posted about, the conversations where he couldn't relate to your life -- that doesn't make him a bad person at all, but it does mean he can't - or chooses not to - treat you in a way that keeps the connection alive - and that can revive the spark if not all the time, then enough of the time. Treating you right as in being respectful, caring, etc is great but for most people is not enough without that special, personal connection. I agree that the ones who are respectful and caring - but who we feel little for or nothing for - leave us scratching our heads a bit. much easier to let go of someone who acts like a jerk. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 My ex husband was/is also a great guy. So great in fact that we are still friends and I am always trying to look out for him and hook him up. LOL But he wasn't right for me so it doesn't matter in the long run how great a person is if it isn't working out. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 well at least your not 22 and have braces hahahaha cuz i do..... i go to bars, meet girls, but they all think i am like 17 years old because of my braces... kind of sucks but oh well... im still having the time of my life right now... just hope i can get these things off my teeth cuz i seriously think that is the reason why i cant find a girl to get into a relationship with....i think the braces turn them off I interviewed a woman 40 years old the other day in braces. It's a sign that someone wants to take care of their teeth and that they now have the dollars to do it.... Link to comment
Daegas Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 My ex husband was/is also a great guy. So great in fact that we are still friends and I am always trying to look out for him and hook him up. LOL But he wasn't right for me so it doesn't matter in the long run how great a person is if it isn't working out.Not right in what way? That the spark was lost or that there was some incompatability (for example: he was emotionless and unaffectionate whilst you crave this)? Link to comment
Chillins99 Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Exactly - how nice it must be for females. You just have to go out and look half decent and passively wait for guys to pick you up (and then you usually nitpick about age, looks, height etc). Welcome to how it is for guys, not having anyone of the opposite sex hit on you. As others have said, what is preventing you from going after guys? So you have been single for a few months and guys are flirting with you (just not the ones you want), and you have made no effort to play an active role. Sorry but, boo hoo. If you want something you have to go after it, not just go out in public and wait around. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 Chillins...I don't think you entirely read my posts. I said ONE guy was hitting on me and that I'm working on approaching guys myself but don't have the highest confidence. I also wrote that I am trying to put in that effort because I don't expect it all to be the guy. I never gave the impression that I'm sitting around looking pretty waiting to be approached. And even when I do make my attempts to show I'm interested, it's rarely returned. So it's not "just that easy" for all females. I think I'm frustrated because I've never been single out in the "real world." I've always been in school, where it's so easy to meet people. You're constantly presented with opportunities to do so. It's harder when you're out of that environment. I'm fine once a conversation starts...it's just getting to that point. Batya, thank you for putting that into perspective. My point just was that I have no intentions of settling. Even though he's a nice guy, that wasn't enough for me because that chemistry wasn't there anymore. But I often still feel guilty for breaking up with him, so thank you for that. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 This whole newfangled idea of women "not settling" doesn't sit well with me. That's my entire strategy! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 You don't want someone that's settling! I'd rather be alone than be with someone who settles for me. Link to comment
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