Any advice, please!

[polisci727]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum here, found it by looking at "are they cheating" sites. Let me apologize for what will be a long post. I'll list some things, so to make it easier to read.

I have been married for 17 years and have 2 children, 12 and 14. Everything was "fine" between us up until 6 months ago (I say fine, but all marriages that long have some baggage and issues). He had to go on a two week research trip abroad (he and I are academics) in March. On the 5th day of the trip, he just dropped out of site and stopped emailing me. He was in a Middle-Eastern country and the last email said "people here are hostile toward me." Heard nothing for 5 days. Since he was in that situation, I emailed security at the research institution where he was working (on the 3rd day of not hearing from him). Finally, after 5 days, he emails to say he is fine, just decided to go on a side-trip. When he gets back, he accuses me of not trusting him. I told him I did, was just concerned for his well-being.

He then informs me he must go back to this country for a month on another trip. He left for the second trip about 5 weeks later. During this 5 weeks at home, he was completely distant, would push me and the kids away if we tried to hug him, yelled at everyone constantly over little things (one night one of our children used a wrong verb tense in a sentence and he slammed the table with his hand and told our son he would never amount to anything because he cannot speak well.)

After his departure for the second trip, I discovered he had opened a PO box without telling me, right before he left. He said he did it to send some research materials back to the US. He said the materials were "sensitive" in this day and age and since "big brother" is always watching he did not want to send them to the house or the office. So, he sends them to a "big brother" installation instead?!? Then, as I am opening some mail that had piled up - I was taking comprehensive exams for my PhD right before this - I find that he had taken out a prescription for Cialis right before he left. The prescription was not found anywhere in the house. I emailed him then, accusing him of an affair. He said that the Cialis prescription was for us when he got back, he had been under incredible stress at work and that is why nothing had happened between us in a long time. He wanted to "surprise me." He said that he had not actually filled the prescription before he left, which turned out to be a lie.

At this point, I told him that if he was having an affair, he should come clean with me and I would be willing to work though it. He denied having an affair and again accused me of not trusting him. Then, the next week, he edits his Facebook page to say that we were no longer together. Our son sees this when he logs into his Facebook page. I asked our son if it could be a mistake. He says no and shows me the entire process one must go through to change a part of the profile. Our son sends him a pretty nasty email about it. He replies that the "internet and facebook don't work the same in other countries" and tried to say it was all a mistake.

When he gets home, he is angry and hostile all the time, especially when I try to ask him about all of this evidence. He will not understand how I came to these conclusions and refuses to have a rational conversation with me about it.

A bit later, I find a text message on his phone from a woman that says "call me ok baby." I asked him about it and he says that she was a former student who was very flirtatious. He says that she is no longer around, as she went on to a different university for graduate work. The very next day, I find out from another professor that she went onto to the same university where he went to do his research!! I then find a bunch more texts from her:

Call me - I love you.

I am running late - stay online.

Can you call me on Skype Credit?

And several more on a similar theme. My son also looks at his internet history and finds that his entire history for the past 7 days has been nothing but internet porn, including several visits to Adult Friend Finder. I check the credit card statements and find he had been buying Skype Credit. (There is also a charge of nearly 100 dollars to an online clothing store for women, specializing in lingerie.) When confronted with this, he accuses me and our son of spying and not trusting him (calling our son "a filthy rat" and a "bad person") and says he is leaving. A week later, he goes back to the university where she is. 3 weeks later, he comes back and says he wants to work everything out (but does not admit to an affair). This was about 3 weeks ago. This past Tuesday, out of the blue, he accuses me of turning the kids against him. Our daughter had been acting normal the entire time since he came back, but our son was a bit standoffish (which I think is probably pretty normal, considering what his father said to him). He leaves. 3 days later he calls and says that he cannot stay in the marriage anymore. He comes over to talk to our son and tells him that it is all his fault (our son's) that the marriage is ending.

Would anyone believe this story that he is selling - that she is just obsessed with him and there is nothing going on? And does anyone know of a way to get the actual message that was in the texts he sent to her?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I'm sorry but there is a lot of reason to believe he is having an affair (or several affairs). Any one of these you might explain away on its own, but together it is pretty damning.

 

It is very common to for people engaged in affairs to lie, deny, and get very angry and defensive trying to get everyone to back off and leave them alone. Then they try to come up with explanations but his sound pretty lame.

 

You can install key logging software on the computer that he won't know about that will let you see everything he types there, if he is sending email or using the computer to contact women.

 

I think if you are listed as the owner of the phone, you might be able to call the phone company and get online access to the records, but i am not sure how to do this... someone else might be able to tell you.

 

I am really sorry to hear this... Take your time and don't make any snap decisions. If you really want to find out what is going on, you might consider hiring a private detective.

 

Confronting him if he is already lying about it won't do much good.

[h0pelessr0mantic]

If you can enable private messaging i can help you but i don't want to post it for everyone to see (especially possible cheaters).

[d24]

If you can enable private messaging i can help you but i don't want to post it for everyone to see (especially possible cheaters).

 

have some faith, i'd say people are here for supporting their relationships and getting back on the right path as opposed to finding ways to cheat.

 

And to the OP, I think you and I, and everyone who reads through that, know that he is cheating on you. You've added 2 and 2 together (well actually the number of clues you've put together would probably be something like 2 to the nth) and got 4. He's stupidly still denying it, meaning he's lieing to himself, and probably ashamed. either that or he's got no remorse.

 

either way i think you need to step up and kick him out. make sure he's gone for good and get yourself sorted / back on track.

 

Sorry it happened to you, good luck

[AmIafool]

You have some definite red flags that he is cheating. Based on those texts, he has/had something going on with that student.

 

How awful of him to accuse your son of causing the marriage to end. All your son has done is discover who his father really is. Usually the cheater turns it around on their own spouse, but in your case, he is turning on his own son. That's pretty low.

 

I agree with others who are suggesting a keylogger or getting a detailed look at the phone bill. However, something tells me you could catch him red-handed and he will try to tell you it's not what it looks like. He'll try to convince you that you didn't see what you just saw.

[Ac143]

I agree with everyone else here - he IS cheating. There is more then enough "evidence" that proves he is cheating. No one that isn't cheating acts the way he has been acting.

 

He isn't very smart if he is using a credit card that you have access to buy womens clothing and its not for you. Who does he say its for?? Himself? lol How did he get out of that one?

 

I cannot believe he is blaming his son for this, what a LOW thing to do. Your poor son....Im sorry to say this but your husband has problems - serious problems if he is treating your son this way.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree. i think he is cheating too and has been for some time. I think the way he is treating his own child is disgusting! Something tells me you are trying to convince yourself that you are wrong and there is some possible explantion to all of this and in that case I think you need some solid proof for your on piece of mind. Definitely get a keylogger. A good one is ActualSpy, it is free and easy to use, I used it once to catch a cheating bf.

[polisci727]

If you can enable private messaging i can help you but i don't want to post it for everyone to see (especially possible cheaters).

 

How do I enable private messaging?