wondering if he will ever propose...

[help_me_out]

this is how i see it - Marriage is simply the ultimate way to show someone you are 100% serious about them & ur fully committed.

 

 

I also believe that after 4/5 years you have been through enough together to be able to make a decision about marriage. surely, unless I can be proved wrong here by someone, if after being with someone for 4/5 years and you can't make up your mind, surely that must mean a no?? surely it means that you're still holding out for someone else or there's something putting you off??

 

 

that's how i see things.

 

My problem is that I doubt my man will ever propose to me. I am aware he loves me, he does tell me that and mean it, but if he's not prepared to commit to me then I don't want to be with him.

 

i have been with him for almost five years now. Whenever anyone mentions marriage to him he freaks out (in a jokey way tho!). He has never said anyhting along the lines of "I'll always love you" etc, everything is just about 'now' and he feels now. he comes out with comments like, "yeah, that's what happens - women leave" when talking bout marriage. His parents are not divorced but his best mate's parents broke up when they were very young. The wife left the man. He does say it in a jokey manner but the fact that it's a very common thing to say is ringing alarm bells.

 

He also still lives with his mum and dad (mainly due to money) and doesn't exactly try very har when it comes to looking at houses. Infact, when it comes to thinking about the future at all, he says he can't do it. he actually cannot make any sort of plan further than the next 6 months/maybe a year. Even when he does that it's plans invloving holidays/other indulgences.

 

He knows getting married is important to me even though I haven't directly asked him what he thinks of it. I have mentioned it a few times and quite frequently recently.

 

I'm just sitting here wondering if he will ever manage a proposal. With his lack sense of sorting out a fututre/thinking about it, his sarcastic comments about women leaving/not caring when married and the fact he gets a little freaked out is making me think he won't.

 

****What's really frustrating, is when other women say to me, "Well why aren't you married then?" It's like they're saying "What's wrong with you? Why won't he ask you to marry him? Are you not worth it?"

 

SO many of my friends are married now and I'm beginning to feel quite upset about the whole thing!

 

I don't like the idea of an ultimatum - not just because it's emotional blackmail, but also because if that is what it takes to get him to ask me, well then surely that's not the commitment I wanted from him? If he only asks me because I threaten to leave, isn't he just clinging onto me?

[_Asti_]

You need to talk to him, period.

And after being together 5 years, you can surely discuss this with him, can you not?

 

I can sort of relate. I dealt with a similar issue with my partner, and he was having a hard time gettin his career and future established.

 

It came down to "I am not going to keep invest time, energy and emotion with someone who doesn't feel the same way I do"

And that was a huge reality check for him.

 

Don't give him an ultimatum about marriage, take small steps.

Does he even see a future with you? Where does he see himself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years. If you aren't included in that, then make a choice.

What's his deal with marriage? If marriage is important to you and he doens't feel the same way, its best to find out now.

 

Just talk to him.

Figure out whats going on in that head of his.

 

The bottom line, if he's not concerned about making a future for the two of you, why keep bothering now? And thats what he needs to know. You need to get to the bottom of his comments, and his behavior and things like that, to figure out where he stands and if its even worth continuing on.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>He also still lives with his mum and dad (mainly due to money) and doesn't exactly try very har when it comes to looking at houses.

 

This is the source of your problem. If he's at home and comfortable, his mother taking care of all the domestic responsbilities and him not having to take financial resonsibility for himself or anyone else, he sees moving out and marriage as something that spoils a good (easy) thing for him.

 

I don't think deciding you want to get married or leave is emotional blackmail or an utlimatum if you make the decision that marriage is that important to you, and that you will leave if he doesn't marry you. You have a right to decide what is important in your life, and to go after it. If he can't provide you with what you want and need (marriage), then you can decide that you want more than what he is offering and leave.

 

So don't approach it as an ultimatum, but an understanding that you are choosing something that important to you and that you are not willing to continue dating Mr. Perpetual Teenager forever.

 

If you want marriage and a family and he is not willing to make that commitment, then you do have a right to go find someone else who will give it to you.

[lisa1126]

I think you already sense and know that he won't be proposing to you any time soon, if ever.

 

Yes, talking with him in all sincerity is certainly needed, that's the first step. But equally important, is what you are prepare to do once you have determined that marriage may not be happening with this man.

 

Are you ready to end this relationship? I guess what I am saying is that you need to brace yourself and be prepare to take definitve next step for yourself, for your life.

 

But definitely, after 4 or 5 years, you should be wondering and make plans one way or another.

[help_me_out]

thanks for the replies.

 

the last thing I want is to break up with him - I love everything about him, he's 100% trustworthy, funny, kind, always there for me...... he's so important to me.

 

But the very idea that he's not capable of proposing/doesn't want to, makes me so down that i want to run a mile.

 

I'm very romantic at heart and want my guy to be so in love that he asks me to marry him. I am concerned that a guy not capable of proposing is that way because he's holding out for someone better/doesn't really 'love' me like he claims.

 

He's 28 years old now and although I do appreciate the fact we're both broke and the housing market is crazy at the moment.... I am so concerned that he doesn't ever think about moving out. When he does, it's because I brought it up and then he'll look at rented apartments. Even then, a few days later he's forgotten all about it.

 

+the 'teenager' comment was what I had thought too!! It's like he's still a teenager, and I know this is awful but I really hate how his mum...'mothers' him! All the time running around after him, always cleaning his room/making his bed, cooking his tea, washing up......he never lifts a finger. Once we were even meant to go out for a meal, which didn't end up happening coz he called me and said his mum had made him a meal!! he somehow 'forgot' we were meant to be going out, despite having had several conversations throughout the day.

 

 

He has said that at the moment he is very comfortable, he likes being comfortable.

 

He even reckons I'm a few years ahead of him in 'growing up' coz I'm a few years younger and looking for a house etc.

 

One thing he has said is that at 30, he's old, and that's the time he'll settle down and grow up a bit.

 

shame it's another 2 years away.

 

Goddamn it.

 

 

 

I think you're right in that I do need to talk to him about it and see exactly how he feels/sees things.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like your life goals and his life goals are not meshing. Given the fact that you have spoken to him many times and he doesn't seem interested in making any long-term changes to his lifestyle and future plans, I think it is time for you to seriously think about whether or not you want to live another 5 years like this. Even if he were suddenly to change his mind and want to marry you, in his eyes will you be a wife or simply an extension of his mother. In other words, getting a proposal out of him is just the tip of the iceberg...look at how he lives his life...mom does everything. This man is not responsible right now and needs time on his own to learn how to do his own chores. Marriage will not suddenly force him to grow up.

[FreedomRing]

You know....I really don't get these kinds of posts.

 

For the women, where marriage is a significant goal in your future: When you're in the dating phase of a relationship, still getting to know your partner etc...when you're asking(and hopefully you're asking these kinds of questions when initially dating someone!) about career aspirations, or just any future aspirations at all, are you bringing up the topic of marriage to your daters? Seeing what their views are on the subject BEFORE spending years & years with them, then later complaining about why they're not asking for your hand?

[girl68]

After you talk to him, and he's still got the same views: doesn't want to get married at least for a very long time. You have to decide: are you willing to accept this? or do you need marriage? It's really that easy.

 

Take into account most men, don't want to be married and living at home with their parents because he can't afford to live on his own. Now a days men and women want to be established before they take the next step! Living on their own, in a career, stable financially and the rest of it. So that's probably what he's "waiting" for (if marriage is ON his agenda).

 

The last thing you'll want is to be that girl in another post who says: "I hate the way he proposed". She "pressured" or "begged" him to propose- he did; now she's complaining she doesn't like how he did it!

 

And you're broke... so how does that make YOU ready to be married? Yes, after 4 years at your age is in most cases enough time to be ready to "emotionally" commit, but when you're broke, living at home, having his mom "mother" him doesn't make you or him ready to get married regardless of how emotionally ready you are.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Some mothers don't do their sons any favors by continuing to treat them like little princes and wait on them. And some never want their little boys to leave home, which creates problems like this.

 

You've definitely got a bit of a momma's boy problem there and need to discover whether he does indeed intend to leave momma soon, and also whether he expects to still be waited on by you if you marry.

[help_me_out]

he is capable of doing chores which is clear when his folks go away....but she doesn't give him the slightest chance to do anything at home. the second anything is put down, she will whisk it away, insatntly tidying everything up all the time. It's must be a compulsive disorder, lol! Her house is ALWAYS immaculate - like a show house. Even then she can somehow apologise for it not being very tidy!

 

The 'broke/can't move out' issue is separate imo. yes, it is true that right at this particular moment in time we couldn't suddenly move out - but a promise that we would get married in two years/simply getting engaged would be enough. Just so that I knew he was serious. Once that happened, sitting down and making a proper plan with reagrds to houses etc would be the natural step after that, then hopefully things will start moving forward.

 

 

 

To Sabreen81 - well put quite simply, when I met the guy I was in my teens and the last thing on my mind was marriage and no, it didn't even cross my mind.

So that's why such a topic was never discussed in depth at the start.

That to me is discussed at the start if a)marriage is a top priority for either of the people or b)they're an older couple and want to be sure they're not wasting time on each other.

 

As a teenager I only saw him as the latest boyfriend, who I thought was great. Now that I'm older and he's older - he's almost 30 now!! - yeah, my mindset has changed.

 

So while I see your point on one hand, on the other it doesn't apply to this situation.

[girl68]

Okay, who makes their boyfriend promise to propose or get married? Not I! Serioulsy, I can see how you want to know IF he wants to get married, and if you're wasting your time. That makes complete sense. I'm also in your boat there.

 

Here's where I would jump off that ship as if it were sinking. I would NEVER make my man promise to anything (in regards to committment). Do you see how something like that could push him away. OK sorry, I'm not trying to be mean.

 

I think the ONLY thing you should be concerned about (in terms of committment- the mama boy thing is different) is does he EVENTUALLY want to get married. If he says yes, iquire without pressure, when does he see this happening- (does he have to get the promo, or make X amount of dollars, or does he need a house all before he even thinks of getting ENGAGED. You better not pressure him into an answer of when do I get my rock, so we can get married mind set because you're asking for trouble then! Don't even imply that you want a promise of an engagement in X amount of years... I wouldn't blame him if he went running.

 

Sit him down talk with him. Ask him does he eventually want to get married, if so, when does he see this happening (not in time) in terms of "where he wants to be in life" before he asks you to be his wife!

[help_me_out]

I think the ONLY thing you should be concerned about (in terms of committment- the mama boy thing is different) is does he EVENTUALLY want to get married. If he says yes, iquire without pressure, when does he see this happening- (does he have to get the promo, or make X amount of dollars, or does he need a house all before he even thinks of getting ENGAGED. You better not pressure him into an answer of when do I get my rock, so we can get married mind set because you're asking for trouble then! Don't even imply that you want a promise of an engagement in X amount of years... I wouldn't blame him if he went running.

 

Bang on!

 

Yep, 100% agree there.

 

I much prefer the idea of asking him if he wants to EVENTUALLY get married, that alone would be enough to make me settle down about it. That way there's no time limit on it as such, but the thought and the mindset is there. If he says he does want to one day - well then I don't have anything to worry about, I know he will be able to commit to me and it's possible he is waiting for the right 'time' as in money, house etc. Who knows.

[girl68]

There you go!

 

Just try not to hope for it! Or think about when he will... (that's what I do!) I'm hoping one day... but at the same time, there's no pressure from me anyways. I know he wants to marry me eventually and eventually he'll ask, until then:

 

"are you guys married yet?" says friend

"nope, not yet..." says me

"why the hell not? you're practically married already" says friend

"i know- maybe one day... what will be our wedding present?" says me as joke- (but i'm serious... what will you get me! LOL)

[_Asti_]

Bang on!

 

Yep, 100% agree there.

 

I much prefer the idea of asking him if he wants to EVENTUALLY get married, that alone would be enough to make me settle down about it. That way there's no time limit on it as such, but the thought and the mindset is there. If he says he does want to one day - well then I don't have anything to worry about, I know he will be able to commit to me and it's possible he is waiting for the right 'time' as in money, house etc. Who knows.

 

What if he tells you yes jsut because you want to hear it? Or he just wants out of the conversation and to drop it?

 

Make sure you follow up with a plan of sort in regards to your future. Goals, aspirations, time lines, etc. What needs to fall into place for these things to become a reality. What sort of time line does he envision.

 

I am in a similar stuation like I said. My boyfriend is 27 and still at home for financial reasons. Sure we may not be able to afford a wedding RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, but itsa huge topic of discussion and something that is going to be occurring. I am just finishing up school and will be done and working in 8 months. We know that in the next year we will be living together, and roughly two years looking at marriage. Thats what we talk about and discuss and planned for and I know its just not BS because I'm aware of financial bank accounts that have been set up for housing and marriage...I see steps being taken to achieve these goals.

 

Be wary of him saying "Yea I'd like to get married some day.." Thats what I would be afraid of if there hasn't been any self discipline or initiative to take charge and ensure a future together for the two of you, already.

[help_me_out]

Hmmm. Ok. That's got me thinking again!

 

[sigh]

 

When I read your post saying how you're setting things out ready, taking steps, I got so envious as that is exactly what I want. I want us both to start saving up so that we have some sort of starting point at least! He won't do it. he says he might try but then 'forgets' about it. Must be great to have your plan set out and be doing steps towards it.

 

So.....do I ask him if he wants to eventually marry? If he says yes, do I then try to bring up houses (again) on a more serious note and see what he thinks? And about saving again? If I can keep him looking at houses, thinking about the future that way and get him saving...is that the best way to go?

 

Feeling a bit confused!

[_Asti_]

I would just generally feel him out in terms of how he views marriage, if its for him, if he sees himself getting married.

 

And then from there, I would just focus perhaps on your future as a whole.

 

What are you doing to prepare yourself for the next step in your life?

I told my boyfriend that I am graduating in 8 months and I am starting my life. Where do you see yourself in 8 months? Is it going to be a reality that we will be doing this together? How much longer am I going to have to wait before our future can get started?

 

Those were questions I asked him because he was having a real hard time going for his career [police officer] and we can't move forward in terms of living together, marriage, etc until he's been hired, trained and working.

 

Create a time line for yourself. See how he feels about it. Maybe he has a hard time setting goals up for himself, or seeing the big picture. If he knows that you're interested in living together in 'x amount of time' and sees you working towards it, getting things together, making appointements with the bank, etc he may realize what he needs to do to be your PARTNER.

 

If you envision yourself living with him in a certain time period, then let him know. Let him know what you're expectations are and have him be honest if he thinks its something he can achieve, something he wants.

 

It all comes down to your wants. If what you want and what he wants, doesn't match up. Its not going to work. Period.

 

Granted, my guy wants out of his place badly, he wants the marriage, he was never taking the steps to achieve it. And once I made it known where I stood, my expectations, asking him if they were realistic, etc..he got his * * * * together so fast because in a way he knows that if he wants to be with me, he needs to make it happen..because I am moving forward with my life and I want a PARTNER, a MAN beside me for the journey to share it with. Our long term goals are spot on and exact, which does certainly help..and is perhaps what is different in this case...because I know we're chasing the same things, want the same things, etc..I was just getting tired of the lack of iniative to make a future happen.

[help_me_out]

Not feeling so confused now, more focused.

 

I really like what you have written and I am going to re-read it too! you've made a lot of good points there and I have a clear idea of what I am going to say to him to find out what he wants.

 

Thankyou.

[help_me_out]

Ok........................................... now I'm feeling a bit stuck.

 

 

 

 

 

Um, yeah.

 

 

I decided to speak to him, I spoke first, saying how I feel and why I do. then I asked him, "Is getting married something you see yourself doing one day?"

 

..his answer???

 

"maybe"

 

 

wha........???

 

He said he would maybe do it, he didn't know, he doesn't know how he will feel in the future, he doesn't know what things will be like....all of that. He gave me a not right now, don't know if I will soon, don't know if I ever will.

 

I said I can't handle 'maybe's and needed a yes or a no.

 

He said he can't do that, he just can't. He said it's possible in the next year he might really want to, but he also might not.

 

....??!

 

He also said he really doesn't want to lose me and the prospect of that happening made him very upset.

 

so now, I am left feeling more confused than ever before and I have no clue what to do!!!!!!!

 

 

Help please!

 

On one hand I want to run off, thinking that he clearly can't feel that strong/must not 'believe' in marriage otherwise it's a possiblity................on the other hand, what if I go, and I end up missing out on him because I was too impatient?!

 

I have no idea what to do. All I know is I'm not happy! Can an outsider to the relationship help/give advice? I don't know. worth a shot tho.

[_Asti_]

How will he KNOW if he's ready for marriage?

What doesn't he like about marriage? What is he afraid of? What is he unsure of?

 

Is there something the two of you can work on, something you can do to help him with this..

 

Like what separates yes from no in this case. Is he worried about things? What things? Doubts? Uncertainty? etc.

 

If he doesn't know what is going to make the change from no to yes..then how will you know?

 

Ask him about your future together.

Ask him about living together, taking that step, moving towards something else.

How does he feel about that?

Did you tell him where you stood in regards to these things?

That marriage is important to you. That in 'x amount' of time, you envision this or that..

 

After being together 5 years, you have a right to know if you should keep investing with this person, or is this someone who's quite content to spend his days lounging in his parents house.

If he isn't into marriage, are you fine with just moving forward with the relationship, living together and remaining in this status?

Maybe taking the next few steps will help with that. Or maybe not. Maybe he will setlle and get comfortable and not feel the need for marriage.

 

Just talk to him. Let your thoughts run and let him into your head. If you can't be with someone who doesn't want marriage, then maybe give the two of you some space to sort it out. Sort out his issues with marriage with himself, and have him come back to you with an answer. Let him do some soul searching wtihin, let him be away from you to sort himself out, sort his future out, figure things out for himself and when he's ready to move forward, or atleast bring a legit reason to the table and work on things to move forward...then come back together.

[help_me_out]

Um, he said he doesn't even really know what takes it from a no to a yes....he just doesn't know.

 

The only thing he knows for certain is that he's very happy with how things are now. It's easy, he only pays board, no stress with houses etc, he gets to see me and he says he does love me...a lot.

 

He said he can see no need for things to change for a long time yet...he wants to spend all his money on holidays/other indulgences. He said once he gets a house sorted, he will kiss goodbye to all his hobbies n stuff coz the house will eat up every penny he has. The last thing he wants is to rush into getting tied down by a house.

 

At most he will look at renting, and seriously. He said any house I point out he will go and view and he is more than happy to get a rented place with me, even though that will still eat up most of his money.

 

He also said that marriage was a big step. He didn't expect to be taking anything that serious for another few years yet.

 

I think, from what he has said, he's trying to hold on to the 'kid/teen' phase as long as possible. He just want to have as much fun as poss (holidays/hobbies), not take things seriously (marriage, buying a house), not think ahead too much (future in general, and he says things change all the time anyway so what's the point in planning anything?) and just have an 'easy' life.

 

He did say he understood that it was important to me, but after acknowledging that, he didn't have much else to say.

 

Oh god.

[_Asti_]

Well, now you have to decide if you are fine with his answers and wishes.

 

Are you fine with just taking the step of renting a place together? Because there's no point in looking at houses with you, he's just humoring you by tagging along.

Are you ok with an apartment with him for the next several years?

 

Maybe just focus on that phase and move towards that phase together. Sometimes that can make or break two people. He may realize this is something he truly wants, and pushes for a house and pushes for more. View this as a step for acheiving your future together. That's what we're doing. We've agreed to rent a place within the next year, and I made it clear that I would like a wedding to occur before a house is purchased together. Those are my priorities, because yes..a house will suck alot of the money and I don't want a wedding to get put on the back burner because we can't afford it. We just view this as one step closer to acheiving what we want. But I think tis hard in your case because his head isn't even in that frame of mind of 'the future'

 

 

Establish your priorities and what you want. If they line up and mesh, great. If you can bend a little, compromise, wait it out and give this a shot, then good.

 

But if you're completely unhappy, and you're ready for more and ready for the next step...realize that he's a long ways from that happening, if it even does.

[help_me_out]

He did also say that we're just hoping for two different things. He got quite upset realiszing he could lose me and said "well, you may as-well dump me now. I don't know what I want to do and I don't know when I will know! If you're planning on getting rid of me in a year's time or something then you may as-well do it now"

 

I hadn't actually said the words "you have 1 year" - in fact I didn't give a specific time scale, I just said I wanted some commitment from him "soon".

 

tbh I'll be perfectly happy with a rented place - if anything, the house prices and mortgage deals are so crazy right now I don't want to commit my life to a certain property. It's not the buying that I want - i want us living together, like we should be doing!!

 

I'm not sure if I should look at rented places with him or not. I mean, as you said, he isn't even remotely in the right frame of mind.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I want to get an apartment then see how things go and hope he comes round to the idea....but now I am more scared than ever that this whole thing would be a waste of time and energy....what if after a few years in an apartment he still "just can't plan the future"?!?!

 

It's making me want to back away.

[_Asti_]

But atleast you gave it a shot, right?

If after a few years, he still isn't ready for more..atleast then you know for certain that this dude is going no where.

 

He may just need time. Guys mature slower than girls. The last thing on his mind may be actual weddings and house buyings. But that doesn't necessarily mean he won't EVER be ready. And thats the tough part.

 

If he's willing to rent a place with you, great! Thats a pretty big step. Go for it and try it out. If you just want to live together, realize he's willing to and go with it.

 

If in a few years you realize that he still hasn't changed, and his not sure about things and still playing the 'i dont know' card, then make a choice..because then you know for sure that he's not after the same things.

 

Would you really feel like you're wasting time and throwing your life away by taking this step with him? For all you know it could be the thing that opens his eyes and realize how great it CAN be. And that there is more out there to come.

 

And if it doens't work out, atleast then you know for certain and you won't have to play the 'what if' game for the rest of your life.

[help_me_out]

You know, you're pretty good at this!

 

Right - here's my plan then.

1- chill out. Relax. forget about marriage and stuff for a bit. It's choking me and upsetting him and we're getting nowhere with it.

2- Look at loads of potential places to rent out, then go see them with him... Then once we have found the right place, get it quick!

 

something you said has just struck a chord in me too - when you said it may open his eyes to how great it can be. I mean....at the moment yes, he is very happy and thereforee doesn't see the need for change - so surely, if we get a rented place and he is STILL happy, then surely things will change for him? Maybe then he will start to be able to look and plan a future?

 

the other thing is that I think part of the reason he still has a teen frame of mind is BECAUSE he is living at home. surely getting a place with me will change that for him?

 

I am feeling more positive again now. I am willing to give it a shot, whereas ten mins ago I was thinking about leaving.

[_Asti_]

It may not necessarily change. It doens't garuntee anything, moving in together. But it certainly can open his eyes a little, but it can also go either work. It could work for you or against you.

 

He may really dig the new partnership, taking things on together, and being a team in a whole new way. He may see you differently, realize how amazing you really are, and how this isn't so bad after all..and all his doubts and fears that he did have may go away and just go for it.

 

But on the flipside he may still do the "If its not broke, why fix it?" He may be content to be living out his days in an apartment, not wanting to rock the boat by taking the step towards marriage..because things are great as is and you're basically living like you're married.

 

And thats where you just need to decide at that point if you're fine, or not. But alteast you gave it a chance, and can say that you tried.

 

As for living at home, in a way it does enable the person. My guy wants out of his place so badly because it is a bad situation he is in, and wants to move on with his life..but I'm sure if he was content and things were peachy at home, he'd be a little more relaxed about it...

 

 

Just break it down into steps. You know what you want in the big picture, don't forget those things. But what must be done in order to get there. Taking smaller steps can help you achieve that bigger picture. If all he needs is time, time to have his fun, get his sillyness and childesness out, mature and grow a little...then give it to him. You still get what you want, right? Living together...so just take it one step at a time and focus on the phase you're at right now and what you're moving to.

 

If things don't change within a reasonable time frame, and you still see him stuck in his ways and views and nothing is going to change, then decide what you're going to do.