No choice but to move on now...how to handle it?

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone --

 

I apologize in advance if this post seems a bit "ramble-y." I haven't really had time to process everything, and my mind is whirling. I'm posting this partly to vent, partly to get some good, positive encouragement from ya'll wise people here, and partly to ask where I should go from here in terms of how to handle things with my ex, since I work with him and starting Tuesday will have to see him at work at least a couple days per week.

 

Where to begin? Found out today, totally randomly, that ex got married recently -- not that he is GETTING married, but that he GOT married, sometime in the last two months or so when we've been on summer break.

 

He didn't TELL me he got married -- I found out by catching a glimpse of his WEDDING RING, which he was trying to HIDE from me. We were at a meeting -- a big one, with lots of people, and when I ran into him near the front door of the room the meeting was being held in, he was acting really weird -- very nervous. TWICE when I passed him he hid his left hand -- stuffed it in his pocket one time and covered it with his right hand the other. Finally, when he didn't know I could see him (I had left the room to go to the restroom and re-entered -- he had his back to me, and his hand was where I could see it, so I saw the ring). I'm not sure if he knows I saw it -- in fact, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know. I actually got up a few minutes later and left the meeting altogether, but I don't know if he put two and two together.

 

Anyway...here's the vent part: I'm in total shock right now. I mean, I worried that this would happen (I'd even envisioned it happening -- as sort of a "worst case scenario"), but I told myself that it was unlikely, at least not this soon. He's been on and off with this woman for over a decade, was completely devastated when she ended their relationship the last time, NEVER got over her, was angry and bitter about her at various times all last year, and even told me back in January when they were reconciling that he was "probably crazy" and didn't know what he was thinking taking her back, that it remained to be seen whether she'd "burn" him again, and six months later, he's MARRIED to her! Not even engaged, but married! I don't want to get into detail here, but...my god, he was wrecked over this woman, and I got the impression that even when they were together, there was a lot of drama -- I mean, they've been off and on for over ten years!

 

Though I have known for a long time that things were over between him and I, and I had no expectation we'd ever be together,a huge part of what has helped me get through the past few months since he told me they were reconciling is that I was convinced that even if they did reconcile, it wouldn't last -- even if I couldn't be with him, I could take some comfort in knowing that he wasn't in a place emotionally where he could be with ANYONE; I could tell myself that it had nothing to do with me -- that he couldn't and wouldn't be able to have a healthy, lasting relationship with anyone else, either. Now, though, I feel like, well, he married her, so I guess he COULD be with someone AND make a committment (marriage) that he had told me several times he didn't think he'd ever be able to make again after his first divorce -- it was just not ME that he could do that with. I'm left with this horrible feeling -- the feeling that *I* wasn't good enough to make him want to have something with me. UGH. I know that's totally wrong thinking -- just because he *chose* her doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me or that she's *better* -- I just struggled SO much with his decision to reconcile with her in the first place, particularly considering the nature of their relationship, and now this -- it's just a huge blow.

 

Anyway, here's my question: Obviously, he was trying to hide this from me for as long as he could, and I still don't think he knows that I know. I'm assuming he's waiting till the first day of classses (next week) to tell me, that he's going to spring it on me by either inserting it into a conversation OR by letting me see his ring when he stops by my office and waiting for my reaction. So...how should I handle this? I've gotten a few bits of feedback from friends and my mom, all of whom say that I should politely (but not over-enthusiastically) acknowledge it and say little else, and then go on about my business speaking to him as little as possible from now on. My mom said I should tell him flat out that I want NO non-work related conversation with him -- that I do not wish to hear anything more about his personal life. The truth is, I DON'T want to hear it, but I'm not sure if I should TELL him that. They've all advised me NOT to go into a rambling monologue about how I feel -- that I should take the "less is more" approach and be polite but make it clear in some way that whatever previous "relationship" we had will not continue, at least at this point.

 

I'm really not sure how to handle this. I am NOT happy for him, I'm sorry to say, and I feel like saying "Congratulations" would be phony. I also hate the way he handles stuff like this -- like the way he handled telling me about his reconcilation -- by not being direct when he KNOWS that sooner or later I'll find out some other way and that it'll hurt me to find out. I thought he cared enough about my feelings to be honest with me -- even if it meant doing it over the phone, but it looks as if he doesn't -- once again, he's waiting until the last possible second, until he absolutely HAS to do it, and he's going to do it at work, where he KNOWS I can't have any extreme reaction.

 

Another thought I had: What if he DOESN'T tell me? What if he continues to try to hide it from me (hand it pocket everytime he sees me, etc.) I doubt he'd try to pull this off, but hell, I have no idea what he'll actually do anymore. If he keeps trying to hide it, should I confront him and tell him I know? I mean, even if he tries to hide it, he HAS to know I'd find out somehow -- from a colleague, our boss, overhearing him talking to someone, seeing the ring eventually, etc.

 

Sorry this is so long...I am wrecked over this, and I'm probably not making sense. I kept wishing and praying that it wouldn't come to this, that I'd be able to move on and get past this without having to find out he'd gotten married, but my wishes and prayers fell on deaf ears. I know that this is for the best -- that this final door slamming is *it* -- that it's going to force me to completely let go...I just wish that it didn't have to be this way. I feel like someone just keeps kicking me, and it won't stop.

 

Support? Advice? Anything you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Try to be kind, though, please...I'm really distraught right now.

 

Thanks, All.

[renaissancewoman101]

browneyedgirl, I'm sorry to hear this about your ex. And I do know how painful it can be to see the ex do the unthinkable. It really hurts when the small bits of hope that we hold in our hearts, is forever dashed, due to new knowledge.

 

I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you except that I do understand how you feel and I feel for you. I've been in your shoes before, but not to the extent to watch the ex get married, etc. I watched my first ex fall in love with a guy and that hurt like hell.

 

I also know the feelings of "not being good enough". I feel like that a lot of times, that I'm not good enough to be in a relationship, that I wasn't good enough so I lost something out of my life that meant the world to me. And it hurts like hell, because you look at yourself and wonder what is so wrong with you that someone could just toss you away like that.

 

People tell us to think of it as "them NOT being good enough for US". That we are good, worthy humans and that maybe we were not meant to be. Maybe that will help. I dunno. I have a hard time with moving on, and I tend to focus on the good stuff about relationships, no matter how badly I could have been treated, etc. When the relationship ends, I tend to blame myself for wrecking it, or wonder what was so bad about me that drove the guy away. In truth, that is NOT a good way to think since it lowers my self-esteem and increases my self-loathing. We are human and we have a lot of things that are lovable about us. Just because one person may not find us to be "lovable enough", doesn't mean that someone else won't. But when one is in the throes of the pain and self-loathing, it is hard to think of anything else but that person who rejected us, esp if they rejected us for someone they didn't see as being too good for them, but they went for them instead.

 

I don't know what advice to give. I think your mom and your friends have given you good advice. Maybe it is better that you just be polite and distantly friendly with him, like as work colleagues. Don't tell him too much about your life and don't ask him much about his. If he does tell you about the wedding, I would take the high road and just give him the standard "congrats". You don't want to come off as a sore loser either. I don't think you should change jobs becuase of him though, because then it makes it seem like you couldn't handle it.

 

Maybe if you find someone else down the road, it will help you get over this. I dunno.

 

I have a hard time getting over people, even when they HAVE moved on. It is like I am standing there in the dust, wondering why and beating on myself about it.

 

Sometimes life just forces us to let go, even if we are not ready for it. Life can be weird like that.

 

I have a hard time letting go of things and that is one part of a relationship that I really hate, that when two people breakup, one has to learn to let go.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response, Ren. Yeah, I have a hard time letting go too...it's taken me a long time to get over the few relationships I've had. This one has been, and will be, especially hard. He's the first guy I've felt like this about in YEARS, and it was such a rollercoaster of emotions that I know it won't be easy to get past.

 

Man, this is awful. It's funny, though, I've *known* somehow, since only a few weeks after they reconciled, that they would get married. Something just kept nagging at me, telling me that it was going to happen. I kind of wonder if it he decided to marry her a long time ago, and that I somehow picked up on it -- I've had this feeling since February; in fact, one day, I had a meltdown -- not at work, thank God -- and was CERTAIN that they were getting married. I had very little evidence to suggest it, but there were a few things that, when taken together, made me certain they were getting married. I dismissed it as me being "PMS-crazy" and tried to get the thought out of my mind, but it just kept popping up, and it has off and on for months. Well, I was right.

 

Thanks for your response. Even though you felt you couldn't give me *advice,* just responding helped me a lot.

 

I have no idea how to handle this....

[Alicia85]

he is hiding the ring from you because he is ASHAMED. Do you *really* think he is *happily* married? No of COURSE NOT! A wedding ring is a commodity that society conditions us to see as the "ultimate" commitment, but a ring does not equal a special relationship that is going to last forever... and just because people get married does not mean they *are* or *will be* happy. Marriages nowadays dont mean crap they are disposable...

 

He has been "off again/on again" with this woman for 10 years, so that is exactly how his marriage will be - rocky. Past behavior is a GREAT indicator for future behavior for this woman he married. He has NOT made himself a priority here and he has made a commitment to be a coward for the rest of his life and settle for a relationship that, even if they are together until "death do them part" will not make him happy and he will have to live his life constantly questioning her motives and if he is good enough for her.

 

Would YOU want to live that way? not me!

 

As far as dealing with the situation at work, be cordial and callous. I would be assertive and address the fact that you have noticed that he is married and do keep it short and simple, dont tell him anything about how you feel about it - its not worth your time! In the back of your mind when you are talking to him remember that you should feel sorry for him that he is not empowered enough to see his mistake and most of all remember that YOU have BETTER things waiting for you, tell yourself that you will never settle for anything less than you deserve like he has!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Well, it sucks when the worst thing happens, doesn't it? I had an ex of mine have a baby with someone else soon after we split up, and it was so painful.

 

I think though - is it the worst thing? I mean, hell mend him, he can get married and play happy families, but with his track record, good luck to them both...

 

I would be very very very cool with him. If he tells you, just be as polite as you have to be, but no more. At least you're prepared this way, so if it comes up, you can just be very uninterested in it, rather than looking like a deer in the headlights! I wouldn't tell him that you want no personal chat, I just wouldn't ever have any personal chat with him. I would NOT give him the satisfaction of reacting in any way other than faint boredom and civility.

 

Really though - what has changed? Did you think that you would get back together, or is there a tiny part of you that things the other woman 'won' something by getting him to commit? Because I understand that, I've felt like that, it's kind of like rejection. But then you tell yourself that he really is NO prize, and she has landed herself with the booby prize, lol.

 

Take care.

[yankeefan74]

When i was still talking about relationship stuff with my ex, which was well past the point when it should have been happening, i said to her "I realize that the things we said to each other were not contract...we can't hold each other to everything we said"...she replied with "You're right. Even marriage isn't a contract."

 

I don't see this marriage lasting long. Even if it does, it will have no impact on you. You obviously care very deeply, and give a lot of yourself to a relationship, BEG36, and in this case...the guy didn't deserve it.

 

The fact that he hasn't told you about this doesn't mean he didn't care about you, or doesn't care about you enough to be honest...it probably means the opposite. But does it really matter whether somebody who obviously knows this relationship he's entered with this other woman is probably destined to fail? The guy himself said he was "probably crazy" for getting back with her.

 

I think whether he tells you about this or not, you should act indifferent even if it hurts...and obviously, it will for a while. I fully expect my ex of less than two months to be engaged to this new tool she's seeing within 6 months. But you're going to find someone amazing, and this guy will be knocking at your door the day after his "loving wife" kicks him out for someone else.

 

You'll be able to dismiss him easily by then.

[rapunzel]

oh browneyedgirl - that hurts to read! I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is a tough situation. My heart goes out to you.

 

I agree with the others that there are no guarantees that the marriage will work out. And the fact that he is hiding the ring from you is revealing...if he felt solid and good about it, despite the fact that perhaps it would hurt you to see that he had married, he would be proud to show it to you, while perhaps being sensitive at the same time (if that is indeed possible). It is possible he was hoping to tell you on his own time, without you just seeing the ring (which already happened, of course) and then asking him.

 

How to handle it when he does tell you or it becomes obvious that you know? Me, I would do the exact opposite of what he would expect me to do. I would (really try to) smile warmly, look at him in the eye and say "Wow, what a surprise. That's great. Congratulations! I hope you will be very happy!" This is what I would say to pretty much anyone and I think I would try to say it to someone who hurt me deeply because it is a) good karma b) disarming to the person as they don't expect you to say that and c) you save your dignity by not showing emotion and by wishing them well.

 

I did this with my ex (well, who I'm still seeing but it's certainly not completely smooth sailing yet). When he told me about a month ago that he was not over his ex I said "well, XXX...I hope that you get back together with her because if that's what you want and if that's what is going to make you happy, I do hope it works out for you." I was quite sincere actually, and calm when I said it. And I actually sort of meant it, even though I was in a bit of a state of shock when I said it. It really turned his head around. He expected me to be hurt and emotional. After about 9 days of no contact, I was busy and out of town, after that conversation, we're still seeing each other and I'm well aware that the rug could be pulled out at any time. I'm willing to take the risk while I continue to try to date others (not successful at that yet but I'm considering placing an online ad soon). Yeah, I know. Some people would think I'm doing myself a disservice but I am the one doing this and I take full responsibility for my half of whatever happens. In fact, it's possible I will be ending it with him at some point, I'm just not sure when yet. After 3 months I still don't feel comfortable and I don't know how long I should give it.

 

Of course, our situations are different (yet eerily similar) but I think taking the high road is the best choice. It may make you feel more empowered and eventually, GLAD that he is gone so you will not have to deal with his stuff anymore. Because as you have advised me many times, he was not able to BE THERE for you while he was still hung up on his ex and lo and behold, he married her. Although it may be difficult to look at it this way, perhaps this is a gift because now you REALLY have to let go and move on from him.

 

As far as future dealings with work go, I think "acting as if" is the way to go and eventually, it may take a few to several months, you will not care. So when you see him, as you have been in the past, always be cordial, keep it brief, and never let on that you are in any way affected by his being married. I wouldn't bother doing what your mother said and telling him that you do not want to have any non work conversations. If he brings anything up about the two of you, all you do is say "oh, let's not go there. Let's keep the past in the past" in a light way, with a smile and a toss of your hand. Or if he drops by for an idle chat and starts to talk about his new married life, you say with a smile and an apologetic look "hey XXX, I'm actually super busy here and I have to get back to this." If he doesn't get the hint, and you really feel you have to say something, then you could say: "XXX, I really think we need to keep our conversations on a professional level. I'm just really busy and not completely comfortable with talking about our personal lives at work. Thanks for your understanding."

 

I know it would be a challenge for me to actually enact this, I can "talk the talk" and not always "walk the walk", but I would try as I think it would behoove me in the long run. I think it would make me feel stronger, more steady, in control of myself and perhaps the same would work for you. Because we really do only have control over OURSELVES and not over anyone else.

 

Read "The Four Agreements" again. The part about not taking anything personally is always a great reminder that what someone else does or says is about THEM and not about US.

 

It's going to be tough but you are strong and you WILL get through this. Eventually you may even see that you would not have wanted to be with him ANYWAY and you will be so thankful that you are free of him - so that you when you DO meet the man you are supposed to be with, you will look at this chapter as memory and something that made you a stronger, deeper person.

 

Hang in there, and never forget what a strong, unique, beautiful person you are and how some man out there is going to be very lucky to you have you in his life!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response. I admit, one thing that nags at me is, how can he suddenly be happy with her? Their relationship, by his own admission, was so rocky before, so what suddenly changed? I know HE didn't change -- he's still the same person (in almost every respect) that he was when I met him four years ago, he's the same person he was when I started dating him almost 2 years ago -- so what changed? I know it doesn't really matter -- it's happened, he married her, and that's all that matters.

 

I like your advice about being "cordial and callous." Part of me wishes I could be all chipper and enthusiastic and give him a big smile and a hearty "Congratulations," but I don't think I could pull it off. I wouldn't mean it, and I'm pretty sure it would come off completely disingenuous.

 

I admit that, prior to finding out he had married her, there was a tiny, TINY bit of hope still in me -- that he would realize she was NOT the person for him and that he would realize that I am. That hope is gone, now, though, completely obliterated. I know it's for the best -- I keep telling myself that -- but....god, this is hard!

 

Two friends of mine told me similar stories yesterday. One had her husband leave her, telling her he didn't think he could be married anymore -- that he had married too young and realized that he wasn't ready. THREE MONTHS after he filed for divorce, he was engaged to someone else, who he married shortly thereafter. And if that doesn't completely tear it, my friend told me that when they met at the bank to sort out splitting up their bank accounts, etc., her soon-to-be ex was eyeing the bank employee's engagement ring and telling her what a spectacular ring it was -- almost like he was "shopping" for engagement rings for his new girlfriend! Another friend told me that her boyfriend of 5 years had started treating her really badly, and he left her, and 4 months later he was married to someone else and expecting a baby! Sheesh! The things people do to each other!

 

Thanks again for your response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Honey Pumpkin. You're right -- it's important that I not come off like a deer in the headlights. That's why it's probably good that I saw the ring before we actually have to work together next week, because honestly, if he had sauntered into my office and announced, "I'm married!" flashing his ring in my face, I would have had NO clue how to handle myself, and I probably would've passed out or something! At least this way, I'm prepared.

 

The more I think of it, the more I realize I need to be polite but not overly-enthusiastic. I don't want to send the false message that I'm over the moon about his "news" -- honestly, he wouldn't believe it anyway, and I think it would come off really phony. I will most likely just say, "Congratulations, xxxxxx," in a polite tone, and if he wants to discuss it further, I'll say I have a meeting or something and excuse myself. I do NOT want ANY details whatsoever, and I do want it to be clear to him that I don't want to discuss it further. If he wants to talk about how I *feel*, I will simply tell him that it's not necessary. I can't stand the thought of losing any last bit of dignity I have.

 

Yes, a tiny part of me DID hope things wouldn't work out with them -- I admit that -- and now this is so final, it feels like I'm just being kicked repeatedly, in the stomach. And, yes, I feel like she "won" in a sense -- that somehow she's "better" than me because I was unable to get him to make ANY sort of commitment to me, and 7 months later, she got him to marry her. I know I shouldn't think of it that way, but I do. I need to work on reprogramming my thoughts, for sure.

 

Thanks again for your very thoughtful response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel --

 

Thanks for your response. It's good to *see* you here again.

 

I see your point about how I should react, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off. I think I'll be lucky if I can even be polite, so I'm aiming for that. I will aim for avoiding looking mopey or sad, but I doubt I'll be able to muster a big smile and a hearty "Congratulations!" As I posted in another response to another poster, I will not tell him that I don't want anymore personal interaction, but I will try to ward off any further attempts by him to engage me in further discussion about his "news." If he doesn't get the hint, then I WILL tell him I don't think we should have any further personal discussions. I hope it won't come to that, but if it does, I'll say what I need to to get him to stop sharing personal details.

 

I won't give you my opinion on your situation, because I think I've already over-loaded you with my advice! I will say only, please look out for yourself. You're right, our situations are "eerily similar" -- and I'll just say that it's a VERY risky proposition getting involved romantically with a man who openly admits that he is not over a previous relationship. Honestly, after what I've been through, I would never do it again. This is the worst pain I've ever been in in my entire life, and I don't think I could go through it again. Just be cautious, OK? I think that, after 3 months, if you're still not comfortable...that's a sign. I think, though, that you'll know when/if it's time to move on -- if that feeling persists, you will most likely come to a point where it becomes too difficult to hang on.

 

Thanks for your compliments and encouragement. I hope to find someone else -- someone better -- but I am SO discouraged right now. I can't fathom where or when I'll ever find someone else. I know this feeling has a lot to do with everything that's happened lately, but it just burns me that he gets to go on and be *happy* while I am totally crushed.

 

Thanks again for your response! As always, you were very helpful.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response -- it was so helpful! I appreciate you reminding me that his not telling me doesn't mean he doesn't respect me or care for me. I know it's a hard thing to tell someone that kind of thing -- he knows how I feel about him, and if the situation were reversed, I probably would have had trouble telling him.

 

I hope you're right about me finding someone *amazing* -- I really do. I'm almost 38, never married, and I KNOW I have a ton to offer, but I just have difficulty even meeting anyone to begin with. My friends are mostly married and don't know any single men, I don't have a job that is conducive to meeting people (and I think, after this experience, I will NOT date a colleague ever again!) I always hoped that I'd "move on" before he did -- that I find someone else and be able to put him behind me, but he's the one who has moved on, leaving me in the dust.

 

I KNOW intellectually that this is all for the best, but it still hurts like hell. This guy said to me once that he probably wasn't "healthy" for me, and if I'm truly honest with myself, I know he was right. I haven't even scratched the surface here of the stuff that he did and said over the past two years -- all of the really red flag-y things that came out of his mouth (a transcript of our first date would make for some REALLY interesting reading, let's put it that way), some of the really odd stuff he would say and do that would make me wonder (even if only briefly) why I was putting so much energy into him.

I know I'm better off --- it's just hard because I equate *marriage* with *happy*, and yeah, even though I have NO clue who this woman is, and hope to never know, part of me feels compelled to compare myself to her and wonder where I went *wrong*. I know it is totally counterproductive to do that, and I need to stop. The wound is really fresh now, and I'm having all sorts of distorted thoughts.

 

Thanks again for your response. It was good to hear from someone who has had to see his ex move onto someone else and understands what I'm going through.

[Clabs]

Hi Browneyedgirl

 

I am so sorry you are in this dark place right now - HUGS honey.

 

It is always very difficult to handle these "new" pieces of information and it can hurt like a punch to the stomach. It doesn't help that you still have to see him through work.

 

Darling - I know this hurts and you want to question his motives for actually marrying someone where it seems they have had a rocky ride together.

 

It is time for some tough love now honey. It doesn't matter if that marriage lasts or not - the thing is that he is now married to someone else. That is your final cue that it is not gonna happen between you and him.

 

I want us to trade places with you because you always give such good and kind advice in all of your posts - I LOVE reading them! And you are now in my shoes. What would you advise me to do if I were in your position here? That is the hard thing because I KNOW you know the answer.

 

It doesn't sound like his marriage will be a barrel of laughs so don't think of him all happy whilst you are crushed.

 

It is time for you to walk away from this darling, it really is. Time to start focussing on you - to start doing things for you - properly.

 

Sure - grieve this last piece of info out - take it a day at a time - you know the drill. But then really put this chapter behind you. You sound like a fantastic girl and i think your ex is a complete fool for letting you slip away. But that is his choice and his loss.

 

You WILL find someone else or most likely, they will find you - but not until you make yourself emotionally available again.

 

Keep your chin up darling - we are all here for you.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh, Mark, thank you so much for this! I admit, I was hoping you'd respond. You always know exactly what to say -- and I have no problem with the "tough love" approach -- you do it so well that the "tough" part of it is barely noticeable; it always comes accross as good, solid wisdom from someone who knows how it feels and who genuinely cares.

 

Ok, I will switch places with you, as you suggested. What would I tell you to do? I would tell you to respond politely when he makes his "announcement" and then entertain no further conversations of a personal nature with him. I would tell you, in fact, to talk to him as little as possible, and only when necessary. I would tell you to avoid feeling compelled to be his "friend" and to not feel guilty about not wanting to be friends with him. I would tell you to do your best to go to work every day with your head held high, looking your best, focused on doing your job well, and not letting him or his personal issues in any way interfere with your ability to work and be comfortable in your workplace. I would tell you to take care of yourself -- to eat right, exercise, get a lot of sleep, go out and have fun, and do your best to enjoy life. I would tell you not to give up hope, that there is someone else -- someone better -- out there for you.

 

How did I do?

 

This is hard. I will admit that I have struggled my whole life with self-esteem, and this is just another blow. I *know* in my brain that his decisions are no reflection of who I am and what I am worth, but when I'm stuck in what feels like a black hole of sorts, it is hard to see a time when I will find someone else, and even harder not to compare myself with a woman I've never even met (and do not care to meet, ever!) wondering why HER and not ME. I know it does no good to wonderr. It does no good to dwell on it.

 

I am not looking forward to Tuesday at all, but it will come, and then it will be over, and there will be some relief.

 

Thanks again for your very kind response. If you think of anything else that might help, please don't hesitate to post it!

[browneyedgirl36]

Any other thoughts? Especially about what I should do if the ex continues to try to hide the fact that he's married -- should I tell him I know, that I saw the ring, or should I just let it go and wait and see if he finally tells me?

 

I can't believe he'd be that insensitive to NOT tell me, as there are SO many other ways I might find out, and I really hope he'd not let me find out from some colleague, one of the office staff, our boss, or from some student congratulating him in the hallway!

 

I just want to be prepared, and I REALLY want to get this over with, you know? If he doesn't tell me on Tuesday, it's just going to prolong my agony.

[lost1234]

Hey B,

 

Sorry this is happening to you. I'm not that far down the road yet, but I found out that my ex is getting married soon a few weeks ago from a mutual friend. We've been maintaining our friendship and she has said how much she values our friendship. You think she would have told me herself considering. I have not told her I know and I figure why bring the drama. It doesn't get me anywhere and it certainly isn't attractive. I'm sure it will hit me like a ton of bricks again when she finally tells me or when she just announces that she is married.

 

Basically, I say let it go. I know it is hard, but like I said before, it doesn't get you anywhere and it isn't attractive. If he brings it up be polite and that's it. And everybody is right, you don't have to listen to him beyond being initially polite.

 

Good luck.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for this. You're right -- getting all upset with him won't get me anywhere, and it definitely isn't attractive. Honestly, part of my motivation to be polite and as unemotional as possible about is that I want him to pause and think, "Wow. She's really a strong person" because I KNOW that if the situation were reversed, he would not handle this situation nearly as well as I have. Not that what he thinks of me matters, but...I don't know, I feel it's always better to leave someone with a good final impression in situations like these. I did it when he first broke things off with me -- I was very understanding, told him I accepted his decision, and even though I got a little choked up, and didn't break down and sob in front of him or anything, and I didn't beg him to reconsider. When he told me he was reconciling with her, I WAS a bit blindsided, and I know I appeared sad and disappointed, but I didn't cry, didn't go on and on about how I felt, etc. I even ended up deciding not to have a final "closure" conversation with him, even though he agreed to it initially.

 

I am sad, though. I had hoped for us to be able to at least be friends, but at this point...it's just not going to happen. Maybe down the road it can. It makes me sad that not only is our actual relationship gone, but the friendship is gone, too -- no more funny banter, no more texts, or e-mails, or long phone calls like we used to have....

[yankeefan74]

I have to work with my ex as well. I know all about that. So many people have met their wife/husband at work that i really didn't think it would be a big deal. The two of us were so sure we'd "make it", that we didn't really even consider what would happen if we broke up.

 

I'm trying now to be "Friendly" without being friends with my ex. I think that even if i'm faking it for a while, eventually things will just be that way. She's talked about looking for another job to make more money, so who knows...maybe she'll do that and I won't need to see her anymore.

 

As for finding someone else, i've learned that you really shouldn't just jump into trying that right away. If you're interested in someone that isn't interested in you...that is harder to take because you'll be putting more pressure on yourself now...and of course, the self-esteem always takes a hit after a breakup anyway...so there's that part of it.

 

in my own situation, i'm just going to take it easy...try and relax about that, and i know that eventually, i will find someone i enjoy spending time with. where it goes from there, who knows. You are putting pressure on yourself already by saying you're in your late 30's and never been married, etc.

 

I'm 34, never married, and to be honest, never REALLY wanted to be married...i said i did want that years ago, but i don't think i meant it. It was something i really believed was going to happen by this time next year with my ex, and it's obviously not going to happen...not with her. But in time, that will be okay.

 

I'm still holding on to a little hope. NOt because i think she's good for me, but because i can't completely let go. I've let go a lot, and will let go even more as the days continue to pass. it's a gradual process. I'm not holding on this little bit because i've consciously decided too, but because it's just natural...i'm at a little under two months after the breakup...

 

You will let go as well.

[yankeefan74]

I know I'm better off --- it's just hard because I equate *marriage* with *happy*, and yeah, even though I have NO clue who this woman is, and hope to never know, part of me feels compelled to compare myself to her and wonder where I went *wrong*. I know it is totally counterproductive to do that, and I need to stop. The wound is really fresh now, and I'm having all sorts of distorted thoughts.

 

Thanks again for your response. It was good to hear from someone who has had to see his ex move onto someone else and understands what I'm going through.

 

It's amazing how you're having a lot of the same feelings and emotions i am as well.

 

I started comparing myself to my ex's new guy almost immediately...something she did as well after a while. It was a way for her to deal with the lingering feelings she had for me. She felt guilty about what she did in regards to our relationship, still felt an intense attraction for me, and that made her feel guilty in terms of her new relationship...it was like, she couldn't understand why she still felt things for me when she was involved with someone new. So she had to start saying things within her mind to convince herself that breaking it off with me was the right thing to do. When she says these things to me - or when she did say them, we don't speak of these things anymore and hopefully wont' ever again - it sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. It was like someone inhabited her body and started saying things that were completely opposite of everything she'd said in the past. At one point, she actually said she never "really" loved me, she just thought she did.

 

Utter nonsense. You can't fake that kind of passion. Perhaps infatuation or lust would explain it in the first few months, but the kind of passion and intensity that existed between us even right up to a couple days before she broke up with me - again, that can't be faked. And you can't fake the look in her eyes when she looked at me, kissed me, etc. Those things saved me from really starting to wonder if she ever really loved me at all. I know she did, it was obvious to anyone with a pulse that saw us together.

 

I built up her new guy in my head to be this Brad Pitt clone. He's loaded...so he's got that going for him (i'm not exactly broke, but i don't have his bank account either), but in the looks department, i've got him beat. It's a superficial thing, sure, but when your self-esteem is taking a pounding from a breakup, little things like that help.

 

No reason to compare yourself to this other woman...he's the one with the problems here, not you.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks again for your response; I've built his new wife up in my head as some sort of Angelina Jolie clone, too. I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, how much money she has, or even what her name is, but yeah, I've succumbed to the "she MUST be *better* if he would pass me up for her." The truth, though, if I'm being really honest and not beating myself up, is that she is not better than me -- he's been in love with her for YEARS, long before he ever met me, and no matter how rocky and on-and-off they've been, he's never stopped loving her, so he could never love me. I know he didn't love me -- he never SAID he didn't, but he never said he did, either, and he made reference to never being able to fall in love again after her. So, I have to conclude, logically, that there's nothing *wrong* with me -- I could've been a rich supermodel with an IQ of 200 (I'm not any of those things, but I think I'm still a pretty good catch -- and I would've NEVER won his heart, because, quite simply, I'm not HER. Thus, I can only conclude that this was all bound to happen -- that he was never going to be able to fall in love with me with the spectre of her looming over him. I know that, even if we HAD become serious (if he'd let his guard down and given me a chance), he would've dumped me like a scalding hot rock the minute she came back into the picture, and given their history, it was inevitable that she would.

 

Still...I am sad that he never gave us a chance.

[kuhl282000]

link removed kick back and listen ....get some

 

coffee ....all the way to the end it will help

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't think this has anything to do with her being any extraordinary goddess but their complicted history. Sometimes marriage can actually be the death knell for a volatile relationship, not the beginning of a happy life, because the ante is upped and one or another feels trapped and recognizes they can't sustain day to day living together.

 

I had a simliar situation happen where i had just started dating someone i really really like who i also worked with. he had a rocky relationship with his ex girlfriend that involved many dramatic scenes and her trying to guilt him into marrying her. Long story short she guilted him into coming over one night to get 'closure', he got drunk, they had sex, and she got pregnant.

 

So my budding romance came to a screaming halt in a very confusing way, and i didn't understand why he tapered away our relationship, until one day he showed up at work with a wedding ring! I was shocked because he had talked to me a lot about how badly he had wanted out of that last relationship and that she just wouldn't accept him and was guilting him and calling his mother and having the mother guilt him into marrying her (catholic... as in he 'used' her for sex and should have married her).

 

Then about a month later he shows up with an ULTRASOUND and it became clear the hasty marriage was related to a pregnancy that the woman engineered because she knew that would close the deal with the whole family pressuring him to marry since the woman was pregnant.

 

I was devastated by the whole thing and had many similar feelings to yours.

 

But the outcome in their case was about 5 years of a beastly horrific marriage that descended into an awful divorce. This woman had played the helpless little delicate flower with him requiring him to 'rescue' her from the scandal of an unwed pregnancy, yet when the divorce finally came down, she was the most ruthless self interested harpy intent on plucking him like a chicken in the divorce (which she always was, but disguised in an attempt to get him to marry her).

 

So things are not always as they appear, and there is a chance his new wife is pregnant hence the hasty wedding. And he might well be very embarrassed and sheepish indeed over this whole thing.

[mezmerist]

I definitely think that it is very awkward for him to tell you about being married, one reason being he is probably embarrassed about it. It doesn't say much about himself and his own self-esteem, with you knowing how their relationship was and knowing that even as bad as she treated him and all, he still ended up marrying her. Pretty embarrassing, wouldn't you say? Doesn't speak highly of him at all. And since you know the details, I'm sure he is not feeling confident and happy about this information getting to you. Another reason is he probably still cares about your feelings (to a certain extent) and it is very awkward to tell someone something like this and expect them to not be hurt by it. So it is probably a combination of both. I am truly sorry you have to go through this though, I have no idea how I would be able to handle this situation. This is a blessing in disguise, but the disguise is very hard to see right now.

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow, BSBH! I can't believe that happened to you! That would be horrible! I think I've learned my lesson about dating people I work with. It's too bad I had to learn it this way.

 

My ex's new wife is not pregnant, unless something REALLY drastic happened (he's, um....not "able" to have kids anymore, unless he recently had that reversed, but I think it's unlikely) -- he already has almost grown kids now and is in his 50's, and I'm pretty sure she's close to his age, so I don't think that will happen. Even so, I agree with what you said about things not always being what they appear. In fact, a comment he made yesterday (which I won't post here because it's VERY specific and if he ever read this, he'd recognize it immediately -- I doubt he would, but you never know) really gave me pause as to whether he's really 100% happy about this decision.

 

I know it doesn't matter -- and shouldn't matter -- to me. I still feel sad, though. Today, when I got home from work, I cried a little, again. There is so much I want to say to him, and I just can't, and I know I'll probably never be able to. I want to let go very badly; I want him out of my head and heart, and I know I need to focus on making that happen.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response. I agree, it probably was awkward for him. You're right, while I don't have ALL the details about their very long, on-off relationship, he told me enough that yeah, it might be awkward admitting that he has now actually committed to this person. I remember being a bit embarrassed to tell people that I had started seeing him again after he broke things off with me originally. Friends scolded me for even continuing to be friendly with him after the crap I went through, so he may be concerned that I'm going to think he's insane for making such a huge committment to someone he'd had such a rocky relationship with. I remember he had a lot of difficulty telling me they were even seeing each other again...he didn't even come right out and say it -- he worded it in a really strange, roundabout way and then proceeded to say "I don't know what I'm thinking" and "I'm probably crazy for letting her back into my life...". And, the other day, he didn't actually admit that they were "married." He never used that word. I'm assuming they are, because he's wearing a ring, but....he hasn't actually acknowledged a marriage. Weird. Very weird.

 

I suppose this is further proof that I'm better off being done with him. I'm still feeling the sadness, though.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh so maybe she's not pregnant, but he certainly doesn't sound thrilled!

 

Honestly, if he were thinking clearly, he would have chosen YOU over her, wouldn't he...

 

But yes, it is very sad when you have to watch someone up close who meant a lot to you get married. With my guy, i remember being not only sad for me, but sad for HIM as from what I heard about their relationship prior to him dating me, I didn't give them good odds of being happy since i'd met the woman and thought she wasn't the sweet girl she pretended to be (which she wasn't) and that he would not be happy with his choice. He was miserable from what i could see within a few months of the wedding, and the marriage eventually dissolved.

 

So don't waste any time running yourself down and her up (as in she must have been 'better' than you to win him, or that they are blissfully happy and you did something wrong. It could be they have a toxic enmeshed relationship which is why he went with her rather than you. People fit together in good ways, and others in bad ways, but the pull of a 'bad' relationship can be as strong or stronger than a good one if people are working out all kinds of personal issues and conflicts in the relationship.