punk_bf Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 I've been married for 14 years and have two great daughters. My wife, who I'll call J. and I used to have problems in our marriage, but things have been good for about 9 years and great for about 5 years. I was contacted about 2 weeks ago by a girlfriend from high school who I will call C. I thought things in my life were OK, but ever since C started talking to me again, I have felt horrible. I have been obsessed over this past relationship and I have cried many times. C was the first person I ever loved. Being young and stupid, I messed up the relationship (by going out with someone else one time) and C broke up with me. It was my fault that the relationship broke up, but nevertheless I was really devastated for a long time. We dated in 1988-1989. Once C broke up with me, she quit speaking to me. When I did see her around (because we moved in a similar social circle - i.e. punk rockers in a small midwestern town), she would give me icy glares. It was a case of learning something the hard way. Some mistakes are forever and can't be undone by all the tears in the world. At the time I remember feeling worthless. I felt like C just thought I was a pathetic loser. There was also this party once where I was very drunk and saw C in the kitchen. I grabbed her and kissed her. She pushed me away, glared at me, and then walked away. Later that night I saw her go into a bedroom with another guy. That is a very bad memory. When we talked about this, she remembered having sex at the party which she did to get revenge on another girl but didn't remember I had kissed her. This was the only contact I had with C post breakup that was in the 80s aside from the occasional icy glare. C contacted me in the late 90s by email. I got an email from her on a work account and we sent maybe three messages back and forth, and then we lost contact because of a job change. Things with J were very bad at the time. C told me that some things in her life had gone really bad and that she was in detox. This was the only other contact I had with her until now. C is one year younger than me. After HS, I left to go to college in another state. During her last year of HS, her mother died and she was abruptly moved to another city. This lead to a lot of problems for her including drug abuse and unplanned pregnancy. J. asked me if the child could be mine, and no it couldn't. J. and I had an unplanned pregnancy as well, but it happened when she was 25 and I was 23. I was already almost finished with graduate school. We decided to get married and take care of the child, K. And while things were rocky for a while, it has been a plan that has worked out pretty well. We even decided to have a second child and after trying for a couple of years, we had L. Here's how I feel about C. I feel guilty that I betrayed her. I feel guilty for not being a better boyfriend. I feel jealous of the guy she had the child with (who she left and he wasn't involved in her life after that). I imagine myself in his situation and what I would have wanted to have done (i.e. I wish I could have married her and taken care of her and the child.) When C and I were dating, we never had sexual intercourse. We did talk about it once. She wanted to, and I said no. Mostly I said no because I didn't want to have sex in our car and also I was afraid she would become pregnant. After C and I broke up this was one of her complaints. I felt like I shouldn't have rejected her like that. Maybe it was a good decision(?), but probably not articulated well to a 15 year old C. I feel guilty for emotionally wounding C just before her mom's death. I feel sad for what she went through. I wish I had a relationship with C's son. (This obviously doesn't make sense because they live in a totally different part of the country and what 17 year old boy would want to have a relationship with his mom's ex boyfriend?) I don't have a son. I have a very close relationship with K who is a teen. I also have a close relationship with L. However, L is very little. I talked with J about this in depth because I would feel like I was being dishonest with her if I didn't. J is often jealous of other women. Afterwards I was glad that I did because J was pretty understanding. J has a past boyfriend that she lived with for a few years. She was pregnant three times by him. Twice she had abortions and once she carried his child and put it up for adoption. That child is 20 now. J hopes/fears that this child will contact her which is why she keeps in contact with the ex-bf and his mom. K doesn't know she has a half sister. Unless the child contacts J, I think we should not tell her or L until they are adults, if even then. One time J wanted to tell K and I said no because once you tell her you can't un-tell her. J's child may not even know she is adopted. I see that I have two choices. I could continue to talk to C in the hopes that the feelings will lessen and I can come to some kind of emotional resting place with this, or I could ask C not to contact me again and try to forget about it. Perhaps there are other options I haven't thought of. I was also contacted about the same time by a gf from college named M. I lived with M for two years and then we broke up and stayed friends. I would have married M if she had been just 10% less crazy. Talking to M doesn't bother me at all because I don't have regrets about M. These gfs are contacting me now because I got a facebook account so that I could look at some photos from another friend's vacation. I thought about deleting the facebook account, but then I thought it would be a case of closing the barn door after the horse escaped. There is another ex-gf that was significant, E, but the situation with E is more like the one with M than it is like the one with C. I don't know. It might bother me if I hear from E, but probably not as much as C. If I got a friend request from E, I might decline it. So, should I keep in contact with C, or de-friend her, or what? I would hate to hurt C even more, but I really can't be crying about it every day. Link to comment
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