Do Narcississtic Exes Come Crawling Back?

[Unicorn123]

not sure if my ex had Narcississtic Personality Disorder (NPD), but it could be possible. He was immensely selfish and ended our breakup with some real nasty words-- blamed me for everything and said I had communication issues.

 

I read in some forum that these NPD ex-boyfriends always come back to the relationship after ending it themselves. Is this true?

[Kat123]

I don't know about always, but mine did. Nothing changed though, and we broke up again in a lot the same way as the first time around...

[GoldenHillGuy]

Even if they do, and he really has NPD, do you want him back? You may have dodged a bullet.

[Timebandit]

I read in some forum that these NPD ex-boyfriends always come back to the relationship after ending it themselves. Is this true?

 

Hopefully not.

 

But why are you asking? Hoping to have him back, or scared at the prospect of having him intervening in your life again?

[starlight40]

My ex Narcissist came crawling back but id had enough of the constant breaking up and getting back together, his emotional abuse, lies and his treatment of me so hes history

[watergirl]

Mine did--twice. The third time around I refused to entertain any communication at all. I just said not to call any more, or email or anything else. The first two times it was the same issues you described. When they come back they'll be all sweet & lovy but that fades very quickly. They come back because they think they can play you again and they get their fix of whatever it is NPDs need. Be strong, don't let him back! I didn't and I'm much better off now.

[purpleduckie]

Yes, they usually do, but by that time, you should be the one to slam the door in their face.

 

 

Just incase you're hoping he'd come back, do not take s%&^ from anyone, EVER. do not give anyone S%^&. Do not take any. Best rule to live by. Hard now, best for later.

 

 

But if you're scared of him intervening your life again, keep it short and courteous with him. A firm NO and do not be manipulated into being "friends". Just think, you wouldn't be friends with someone absorb, why befriend him? Don't keep him in your life no matter what and be VERY firm.

[thejigsup]

If they come back they do so because they want to take something from you that they want. It has nothing to whatsoever to do with caring about you. You are just a tool to feed their ego. Nothing else. Go find someone who actually cares about someone other than themselves.

[girl friend]

This thread might help:

[Unicorn123]

Thank you so much for your heartfelt replies. Your support means so much to me. My ex was never diagnosed with NPD per se, but was very self-absorbed and was insensitive about my feelings especially during the breakup stages. I was very traumatized. I know he is toxic for me, but in many ways, I secretly crave that he will return to me and give me closure. I know this is hard to understand to others, but when you are so emotionally involved, it's hard not to think this way. I guess that's why many of you who have had NPD exes did take them back a second time. I doubt I will take my ex back a second time, but I want to just resolve our past matters and then move on...

[lostandhurt]

A very small percentage of the overall population has NPD. He sounds more like a selfish jerk that took way more than he gave and when it went bad, blamed you because he wasn't man enough to admit what he really is.

 

lost

[Unicorn123]

A very small percentage of the overall population has NPD. He sounds more like a selfish jerk that took way more than he gave and when it went bad, blamed you because he wasn't man enough to admit what he really is.

 

lost

 

You're right. He always told me that he felt inadequate around me bc I would do so much for him, and resolved all his life problems. I regret doing so much for him... he was incredibly insensitive to me during and after the breakup. Changed his number, cussed me out, told his friends that I was psycho, and left the country for good. I was heavily distraught.

[The_411]

Unicorn,

 

Here's the thing unless your ex has been diagnosed it's hard to say for sure that he has a personality disorder.

 

If your ex does have a personality disorder it's unlikely that it's just narcissistic personality as cluster B personality disorders rarely if ever come by themselves. They usually come with a mixture of a of other personality disorders characteristics

 

lostandhurt, I disagree with your premise. As early as 1990 it was believed that 6 million people in the U.S. had personality disorders. The problem with that number is that personality disorders are incredibly hard to diagnose and are often misdiagnosed. I would argue the number is more likely 30 million.

 

Bottomline bad behavior is bad behavior and personality disorders do not make it acceptable.

[Eternalhope]

not sure if my ex had Narcississtic Personality Disorder (NPD), but it could be possible. He was immensely selfish and ended our breakup with some real nasty words-- blamed me for everything and said I had communication issues.

 

I read in some forum that these NPD ex-boyfriends always come back to the relationship after ending it themselves. Is this true?

 

Would you like it to be true? I would imagine if they lose their power of persuasion they may come back looking to empower their sad insecurities on their ex's.Who needs a narcissist??? They are bad,bad,bad!!

[Unicorn123]

Unicorn,

 

Here's the thing unless your ex has been diagnosed it's hard to say for sure that he has a personality disorder.

 

If your ex does have a personality disorder it's unlikely that it's just narcissistic personality as cluster B personality disorders rarely if ever come by themselves. They usually come with a mixture of a of other personality disorders characteristics

 

lostandhurt, I disagree with your premise. As early as 1990 it was believed that 6 million people in the U.S. had personality disorders. The problem with that number is that personality disorders are incredibly hard to diagnose and are often misdiagnosed. I would argue the number is more likely 30 million.

 

Bottomline bad behavior is bad behavior and personality disorders do not make it acceptable.

 

I agree. Bad behavior is unacceptable. My ex perhaps had many things going on... Extremely selfish, chauvinistic, insensitive... He never really cherished me. He also had a phobia-- I am not quite sure what it is but when he feels suffocated or locked up in a room or interrogated, he feels like running away and/or passing out. He was also very paranoid, always changing passwords and cross-examining people.

[ava321]

My ex had many traits that were consistent with NPD. We saw a couple’s counselor together a few times, on my repeated requests. He went begrudgingly, and at the slightest hint of perceived criticism, proceeded to dismiss the therapist, the usefulness of therapy in general. He simply thought she (the therapist) was wrong and did not understand him.

Anyway, we broke up after 4 years in January. For me, it has been a slow, painful process of detangling from him. Even while going NC, I had to consistently force my self to remember what is was actually like instead of what my head wnats me to 'remember'. I actually made lists of his behavior that I found to be consistently hurtful and unhealthy, and reviewing thses lists really helped me when I was thinking about wanting to try again with him.

 

I think part of the problem of being with someone who has NPD tendencies (or the actual disorder) is that your own sense of reality and self worth become eroded over time, gradually. For a month or two after the break up, I was a disaster, still believing I said the 'wrong' thing, brought things up at the 'wrong' time, failed to fully appreciate him etc.. all the things he consistently told me. I still kept hope alive that he would suddenly ‘see’ me as a loving person, and miss me enough to try again.

 

What happened for me was somewhere around late Feb/March, I ‘woke up’ so to speak. It happened after trying to be his friend, on his terms. I realized how bad the situation was for me (BAD!!). Somehow, at that point I was ready to face and accept who he actually was (is). And from that point on unitl now, I have been NC.

It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. From the outside, maybe to others reading this, it may seem so hard to understand how someone would stay in this kind of relationship. I have spent the past few months trying to understand this myself. NC has been one of the hardest things I have done, but it has without a doubt been one of the best, best things I have ever done as well. ‘

Lately he has tried to contact me, wanting to meet up, emailed me etc.. and I have politely told him ‘no thanks’. So yes, they can return, rather persistently, sometimes. And he is hurt by my minimal response, again feeling I am being malicious and intentionally hurtful. This is so hard, because it is so far from the truth. But I am done explaining, proving, convincing. I really do not think I want him in my life in anyway, shape or form- not out of anger, but because my sense of self worth, my self respect has emerged in his absense, much to my surprise. I wish him well, but from a distance. For me it is a matter of self preservation.

 

 

It is strange to write that, because in Jan/Feb, I felt nearly suicidal with despair over the end of this. Although i still mourn aspects of 'us', after being apart and getting a sense of self back, I really can not see how he and I would fit together anymore (thank goodness...!). Perhaps you too will grow and change because of your experience, so much so that you find a healthier partner, and your ex, even if he did return, would not 'fit' you either.

Anyway, I am rambling- sorry, did not mean to make your post all about ME... but my advice is to try to strengthen you, focus on yourself and less on him. It does get easier with time…

[Unicorn123]

Ava321,

 

Thank you SO much for your heartfelt reply. I agree. Most people don't know why we would still want to be with our selfish exes. But when you're emotionally involved, it's a whole new ball game-- my breakup was pretty recent (April 2008) so I am still in the grieving stages still... It was worse in May and early June. I could not sleep, eat, and focus on my coursework. I kept hoping and dreaming that he would realize what he had lost and come back to me in open arms. It never happened. I grew obsessive and got into survival mode. On 4-5 different occaisions, I would beg and ask for a second chance, but after he changed his number I stopped all of it. I am now more objective about the situation-- I don't ever contact him and I am not tempted to do so either... I know he is very bad for me-- immensely selfish and emotionally abusive. It's just this lingering false hope (that he will return) that I need to overcome... Sigh... It amazes me how he could just toss out our relationship and move on so quickly.

[The_411]

Unicorn,

 

When a relationship with a person with a cluster B personality disorder ends it's not like a "normal" breakup. Most people involved with a BPD/NPD person end up suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

What you you are going through is normal. It means you have issues to resolve and you need to looking inside yourself and ask why did allow his abusive behaviors to be tolerated.

 

I would highly recommend that you see someone to help you process what happened with both the relationship and what you are feeling right now.

 

As for your question it's hard to say. Typically those with cluster B personalities tend to "hoover" for either control issues or the get more from you. Even if they want to "get back" the honeymoon period is short and their poor behavior becomes worse.

[Unicorn123]

Unicorn,

 

When a relationship with a person with a cluster B personality disorder ends it's not like a "normal" breakup. Most people involved with a BPD/NPD person end up suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

What you you are going through is normal. It means you have issues to resolve and you need to looking inside yourself and ask why did allow his abusive behaviors to be tolerated.

 

I would highly recommend that you see someone to help you process what happened with both the relationship and what you are feeling right now.

 

As for your question it's hard to say. Typically those with cluster B personalities tend to "hoover" for either control issues or the get more from you. Even if they want to "get back" the honeymoon period is short and their poor behavior becomes worse.

 

411,

 

Thanks so much for your insights. You seem to know a lot about NPD/BPD and Cluster B. I never even heard of Cluster B personalities... Yes, I am going through a lot of stress. I went through 10 sessions of therapy, and while they helped me, I need to find answers within. Sometimes I feel so desperate that I want to grapple onto even the false hope that my ex will come back and prove me wrong. I am always soul-searching, looking for answers... I know I may never ever get the closure I want, it's just so hard.

[The_411]

Unicorn,

 

You are welcome. It is unfortunate that I am well versed in cluster B personality disorders because normally one only familiarizes one self with this topic if you are doctor, therapist etc in the field or you've been in a relationship(s) with people with personality disorders. In my case I've been diagnosed with dependent personality disorder, I strongly suspect my mother has dependent personality disorder and passive aggressive disorder and my ex girlfriend suffered from some combination of borderline/histrionic/narcissistic personality disorder.

 

I've gone through therapy both group and individual and a lot of my issues were long standing but I didn't hurt people like cluster B people do, but rather bend over backwards to please people at the expense of my own autonomy and hurt my self, impulsive spending, poor eating habits on occasion lying etc.

Obviously lying is damaging towards others.

 

Cluster B personality disorders are the ones you need to watch out for which are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder etc.

 

Chances are that at some point he will return but for what? Like I said he'll come back to see if you are on his string so to speak.