First time daring to admit this...

[Cadence_oO]

Things are kinda.....heating up.I don't know which word to use.Lets just say I am not having the weekend of my life...

 

I will tell you guys about it,I'll no doubt be needing your wonderful advices...I'm just waiting for things to......clear up a bit.

 

xxx

[IMAbadman]

The man is cheating on you. He has no respect for you or your child. Put foot to a$$ with this guy. Be tough.

[auburnslp]

OK Cadence...

 

Look, the STD advice thing has run it's course. I agree with everyone that it would be a good idea to get tested and also, like I said initially, after confronting your husband with the facts, to insist on his wearing a condom until you are both tested. That's my advice, and others keep going on and on about it...just say ok, you respect that opinion, and then we can move on with this thread?

 

OK...now, you seem very reluctant to admit why socially this would be a terrible thing, but it seems beyond the regular "saving face" kind of stuff...maybe your husband is politically involved? Public service of some sort? But it seems that if this got out it would be detrimental to his career, just a guess from what you have said.

 

If I am right,....well....more power to you. You have the ace in the hole baby.

 

And I am sorry-I know this isn't about winning or losing or beating another...but listen, he has done this to you. You have done nothing to him except be a good wife and mother to his child while he runs around and does what he wants.

 

Bad stuff.

 

You can do better. Trust me. I don't care if he is worth billions. I have learned one thing in life. Money truly does not give happiness. I made a choice a very long time ago. Accepted to med. school at MCV. My dad is a doc. My wife was pregnant with my first son. And in the 3 months that I had to prepare for going into med school, I had time to think...do I want to be a Dr., or do I want to be a dad? Anyway, long personal story, sorry for that, but I just waned to say that I have found that money is nothing...I am successful enough, not rich, I passed on that opportunity-and have no regrets-I have done what I wanted to do...

 

So, really, I guess you need to ask yourself-

 

If it's a question of status for yourself, are you, as a wife, willing to be the "other woman", or allow your husband to have one or more of those in his life? Yuck...

 

You have said it's not about money, that you are set, so I guess that's irrelevant, but I truly hope that you are honest that you are not worried about being on your own...

 

If it's a question of saving status or saving face for your husband, in any way-well, geez girl, why? If anyone else came up to you and slapped you right accross your face, would you just smile and say well that's ok? OK, Christian Faith says turn the other cheek...but this is adultry, sweet...one of the cardinal sins.

 

And finally, if it's fear...you have to ask yourself one question. What is easier? To live in the knowledge of having a husband that is out sleeping and possibly loving another woman, or to admitting the truth to yourself.

 

And that truth is simple.

 

You deserve better.

 

You deserve a husband that will worship you.

 

As you worship him.

 

My advice? Confront him, not later, but now.

 

And last thing...just so you know. There are a lot of fine men out there, not neccesarily rich, famous, politically connected, etc., but fine, successful men that would never treat you this way. Just so you know.

 

My best...and good luck.

[LilDeadRidnHood]

I can relate to the part about everyone loving her. My H had an emotional thing with one of our employees. And so many people who work for us kept talking about how awesome and beautiful she was. But after most of them really got to know her they changed their opinion. She caused a lot of drama for a lot of people.

 

Sp I know how that feels. But through it all when they were talking about her it sounds like you kept your cool. So you took the high road.

[Cadence_oO]

No,my husband isn't a political figure but....his social standing equals one.

 

And yes,it is complex once both of our families get involved and it turns into a scandal or something.It's gonna be a pretty big thing...

 

But thats only a part of my fears....

 

This is an odd week,things are geting heated up....so I am working on confronting him.

I am terrified of the outcome.

 

Thanks guys for your advices...I will let you know how it goes.

 

 

P.S. I am ignoring all the STD posts now completely.

At first I appreciated and was thankful.It was an advice and opinion.

But once I asked for people to drop the subject because I am going through a lot right now and thats really something that I don't believe is involved and I just can't deal with it and people still haven't stopped with it I am just ignoring.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Cadence, since you have financial means to do so, why not go to an individual counselor for a few sessions to help decide what to do (and the best way of approaching this with him)?

 

The counselor can help you with your fears, and help you decide what you really want to do, and give you ideas on appropriate ways to confront him on this issue.

 

They deal with issues like infidelity all the time, and can help you chart those waters.

[Pixiemeat]

This is such a heart-wrenching post. I have never been one to think that infidelity is a bad thing, but reading this has made me realise what a nasty, selfish act it is. I really feel for you and wish you all the best in confronting him. I know right now it seems like an awful thing to contemplate, and I too come from a family where honour is a very important thing to defend, but for you and your daughter's sake, I hope you have the courage to tell him that you know.

 

Not telling him is having a terrible effect on you and your daughter, which perhaps you don't realise. And although you don't want to hear it, I'll repeat the requests by others that you go for an STD test. I know you think that you're all well off, respectable types but STDs don't understand social class or wealth - they can affect anyone. You never thought your husband would be cheating on you: he has been. You thought this girl was nice: she's been sleeping with your husband for a year and a half. I think these two examples alone prove how skewed your ideas of class are - STDs can hurt anyone, and for the sake of a simple test you could at least know for sure whether or not he's passed something on to you. You would feel awful if you found out that your daughter had caught something just because you thought STDs only affected poor people.

 

Good luck.

[Excalibur]

Is he is a good husband to you outside of being involved with this other woman? He is a good father to the child?

[Cadence_oO]

Is he is a good husband to you outside of being involved with this other woman? He is a good father to the child?

 

 

He is an excellent father to our daughter.She adores him and he worships her!

It's an excellent relationship even though she is still very young.

 

And before I found out he is cheating I pegged him as a great husband.He has never but treated me right.

But I'm guessing,because of this whole sleeping with another woman and lying,he losses a few golden points and the award for the husband of the year.

 

 

 

Cadence, since you have financial means to do so, why not go to an individual counselor for a few sessions to help decide what to do (and the best way of approaching this with him)?

 

The counselor can help you with your fears, and help you decide what you really want to do, and give you ideas on appropriate ways to confront him on this issue.

 

They deal with issues like infidelity all the time, and can help you chart those waters.

 

You know,I've never thought about this...it's a pretty good idea actually.I will take it into account,thanks!

[Excalibur]

What I'm going to say is going to be very unpopular, as it is not a position that wants objective consideration in most countries, but....

 

Him being an excellent provider, husband and father is really whatyou were seeking and found "by accident' apparently - thru an oopsie of pregnancy.

 

Yes, he's having an affair. He's sharing his sexual gratification element with someone else. That's rarely considered "part" of marriage - however, in a large number of marriages, that is the norm.

 

He doesn't love you or the child any less, becuase he sleeps with her.

 

The question becomes can you live with him sharing his body with someone else - knowing his heart, his status, his legitimacy and his love belong to you and his child.

[Cadence_oO]

What I'm going to say is going to be very unpopular, as it is not a position that wants objective consideration in most countries, but....

 

Him being an excellent provider, husband and father is really whatyou were seeking and found "by accident' apparently - thru an oopsie of pregnancy.

 

Yes, he's having an affair. He's sharing his sexual gratification element with someone else. That's rarely considered "part" of marriage - however, in a large number of marriages, that is the norm.

 

He doesn't love you or the child any less, becuase he sleeps with her.

 

The question becomes can you live with him sharing his body with someone else - knowing his heart, his status, his legitimacy and his love belong to you and his child.

 

 

First of all....this post is beyond rude!And insulting!

 

I got pregnant BY ACCIDENT! Not to trap him because of his money or whatever you suggested!

Believe it or not,I am a person that is looking for love.I wouldn't marry someone I don't love no matter how much money he has!

Yes,we come from the same type of 'world' but still his money or status wasn't the reason I fell in love with him in the slightest!

 

 

And,no! I wouldn't be able to share my husband with that woman.That is the reason i came for advice and the reason why it is eating me up inside!

Why? Because I am IN LOVE with my husband.Not his money!

[Excalibur]

I never said you trapped hiim for his money or anything else. I said BOTH of you were having sex, and the result was pregnancy - that is dual responsiblity -w hich you both took on admirably by cohabitation and parenting of the child.

 

In marrying someone to give "legitimacy" to your child, you married someone who's values, priorities, standards, and ethics you didn't really know.

 

My point is that you appear to have "lucked out' - in that you say he treats you very well, and he loves the child and the relationship there is extraordinary as well. So he loves you as his wife, and he loves his child.

 

He also sees no wrong in having an affair. That's something to grasp. He doesn't see it as "wrong' to have this affair - or else he wouldn't do it. He might easily and obviously does recognize how keeping it out of your visual is important to status quo, to serenity, to security and happiness for all concerned.

 

But very rarely do people engage in behavior they believe is wrong..while hiding what they believe would cause upset as others believe it to be wrong.

 

That was my ONLY point...not that you trapped him into marriage, or married him for his money. He easily could have opted out of marriage just becuase pregnancy doesn't require marriage.

 

 

You say he treats you well as his wife, and treats his child in an exlemplary parent/child relationship.

 

So what you can't change is his values and standards - which say an affair is his right, provided he'd loving to you, to his child, providing, and attentive.

 

In accepting what you hate - you can work within it - to at least find balance and equity in the situation.

 

If you can't live with him having an affair, that is your right. But that becomes your obligation to live without him as your husband, while allowing he and the child the relationship that sustains the child's happiness and security.

[Cadence_oO]

Ok...I apologize of I got it wrong.It just seemed from your post (the way you put 'by accident') that you were insinutaing things that are NOT true.

 

And now,I am living with him for the past 6 months knowing this but it is eating me up inside...I'm not even sure that I could continue this even if he chooses to end things with her.

 

But there are a lot of factors going into this including our daughter....

[Excalibur]

Basically, you'd need to let him know that you know he's having an affair. That it isn't something that your'e asking "if" if he is - you're simply stating to him that you kNOW he is.

 

And that your'e not wanting to continue a marriage with him having an affair, or with him having a moral compass that justifies and entitles him to do so.

 

That would allow you to sit down rationally and discuss, quite smart would be with an objective 33rd party - such as a counselor or therapist - how you two are going to navigate the path to parenthood jointly - while perhaps splitting partnership permanently.

 

It's pretty simple, although it sounds horribly complex. I've been there, done that - and it's not.

 

His values justify an affair. Yours don't. you're stating you don't want to be legally married or cohabitate with him if he's not sexually faithful. You're admitting you can't change his moral compass, so you're living up to the obligation to yourself to cease the partnership - without eliminating the benefits of parenthood to your child and for youyr child, etc.

 

Where it can become extremely dicey is this...whie marriage is thought to be about love and respect and security - divorce is really all about financial disolution of liability and splitting of assets. So while marriage might be about love - divorce is about money and future financial security.

 

If you need his money to retain your lifestyle for you and the child - that's where the "fight" will begin - and itll come down to in the end who has the bigger bank account and family network, as to who will get what - so don't use the child as a pawn. Both of you love the child.......and remembering the child needs you both and your marriage to the child is not the point - is imperative.

[maggie1212]

Hi there,

I have been reading your posts and am VERY sorry to hear about all that you have been dealing with these past six months. I know as an outsider looking in, we all have opinions about your husband and marriage that quite possibly is very hard for you to take. Point blank we don't know your husband like you do, perhaps no one does... and that makes it even harder for you to take other's advice... because as much as you hate your husband for what he is doing, it's beyond difficult to imagine your life without him... and you almost fall back in love every time you do. The hard thing that you are beating yourself up between hating and loving him and you fall into such a state of limbo. While I agree with others about perhaps couseling, STD testing, securing money, thinking of the best possible way for your daughter, etc. My advice is a little more simple. (Take of that later, and take care of big picture now) I realize I am no expert, but in many ways I am old-fashioned. Before you allow your mind to become boggled with all the steps inbetween... don't invision would could happen, or might be happening, or what your husband might say, or what your families might think... think about the now... the now is the only thing you have control over. Sit down with your husband... secure a time when you know you won't be interrupted and tell him you need to talk. Tell him you know what is going on, you aren't here to ask you are here to finally bring it out in the open. The rest will come from there. The right words, questions, and emotions will come out at once and although it will kill you to finally bring the issue to the surface, the relief you will feel from discussing with quite possibly your best friend what has eaten you up for so long will be all worth it. I'm not saying the conversation will be easy... but things always have to get worse before they can get better. You mentioned you didn't know if you would even want to take your husband back if he did chose to leave the girl... but the truth is, hear him out, let him hear you out. Weigh your pros and cons.... seek and discuss counseling together. But don't put it off any longer. Thinking about it will only drive you crazy... and you are not guilty here, you do not deserve to feel the pain you do.

 

I'm not defending your husband by any means, please trust me.... all I am saying is that he may have gotten so comfortable in his role of infedelity that he really hasn't stopped to think he may lose the two people most important to him in his life... (his daughter and wife). Talking is always the best option. Don't listen to others necessarily because no one knows the two of you like you both do.

 

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Please keep us updated.

[rosy2000]

I feel exactly like you. You see he's already left 2 kids behind when we married and then we have one boy who is wonderful, and i feel that he shouldn't grow without a father but i can't live with this feeling inside my chest...i won't. yes he is very immature and selfish at times but mostly he is perfect, i married him older because i thought he would never cheat on me and surprise! I honestly think man never mature....good luck with your situation.

[Cadence_oO]

Thank you.Yes,that is exactly what I plan on doing.Talking and getting everything out in the open.

It's just that,as I said,things are getting heated up,a little weird and will post about it,just want to talk to my husband first.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes,exactly what I thought.That he would never cheat on me.I hate this situation more than anything!

 

Good luck too...*hugs*

[Excalibur]

Please remember that values justify actions and that feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition. If you can keep that in mind when you talk to him - it'll go much smoother.

 

You have to know your positions.....in order to hear his answers.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Please remember that values justify actions and that feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition. If you can keep that in mind when you talk to him - it'll go much smoother.

 

You have to know your positions.....in order to hear his answers.

 

This is one of the best posts I have read on eNotAlone. Cadence your husband has some different values; he thinks going outside of his commitments and promises in order to get needs met is ok.

[TechResQ]

Hi Cadence,

 

I have been reading all of the posts on your thread and wanted to chime in...

 

First of all, I am sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. YES, your daughter is going through it with you. You might not realize it, but I assure you she knows something is not 100% beautiful in her normally beautiful little world. She knows her mommy is upset. She might not know the details or why you are upset, but she knows something is wrong. Please don't discount that.

 

Secondly, I have a question about the apartment close to campus. Surely you have a key? Is there any way to find out when he meets her there? Can you ask the door man? I firmly believe you should confront him by sitting down and telling him you know all about his affair, but I also agree that you should have your ducks in a row before hand. Talk to a counselor, a lawyer, the apartment door man...take pictures of the apartment and get your back up evidence before. That way, when he vehemently denies any wrong doing, you can calmly lay the evidence in front of him. Just a thought.

 

I wish you the best of luck, Cadence and please let everyone here know how you are doing.

 

God Bless.

 

p.s. Don't forget to keep yourself healthy, take care of you so you can take good care of your sweet little girl. I know from experience how hard this hits you and how horrible the pain is, but you HAVE to stay strong. You can do it!

[lana111]

wow.

 

what else can i say.

 

my thoughts... you deserve to be with someone who is all about you 100%. your life with him didnt start ideally and its not going to end ideally. you need to confront him. if he (and you) want to remain in the relationship you have to consider this...

 

in the event he cuts off all contact with this girl and does everything you want him to do, would you be able to get over this? if yes, then give it a try. if not, cut your losses and let your beautiful child grow up seeing what a good, honest, functional relationship is, not one based on deciet and necesity.

 

just my two cents... i would be sooooo out of there.

[ash1212]

Wow what a sticky situation.

Hi Cadence, I have been reading all the posts on your thread.

 

#1 Let me tell you how very sorry I am for what you are dealing with at this point, no one deserves that.

 

#2 You are not alone, hundreds of thousands of men and women find themselves on the other side of infidelity, and speaking with others is great way to assure yourself that others feel your pain... no matter what anyone says, I am a firm believer that keeping news deep down inside, can not only bring about emotional, psychological, but also physical issues as well. It is always best to speak openly about information, it helps clear your mind.

 

#3 I am not sure if you are, but I have a friend a somewhat similiar situation and I know she falls into this category at times... NEVER, NEVER doubt yourself. It can be easy when you can't control your husband's action to turn to yourself, contemplating what did I do wrong? How could I have changed this? How could I have made him less interested in her and more interested in me? Nothing justifies infidelity... I don't care if you fought non-stop, if you focused all of your attention on your beautiful child and gave him little time, if you didn't feel the desire to be intimate, if you had the rockiest of rocky relationships... when taking his vows, your husband owed it to you to talk through issues, not turn to another. If he was upset or needed a distraction... being unfaithful is not the answer. This is not, this is him.

 

#4 I know you have stated things are getting heated up, and I'm sure you will share as soon as you can... that way we can be your support, your rock for guidance if need be.

 

#5 You continuously stated how everyone loves the "other woman". How everyone thinks she is this fantastic girl, and attends Yale, etc, etc. But Cadence, if she is aware that the man she is involved with has a wife and a child--then she is at fault. Do not feel the need to make excuses for her, she may have some good qualities... but she is obviously lacking in some of life's most important ones. She may be fun, sweet, gorgeous, intelligent (as I am sure you are all as well)... but she is no you. She will never take place as his wife or mother of his beautiful little girl. And she will never be able to say her integrity even could compete with yours.

 

#6 Talking with your husband is obviously key, but if you feel he is the type to deny... make sure you do have some evidence before it is to late. That way if he denies you can present him with what you have, and the conversation can go from there. He can no longer deny it when he knows you have proof. Nothing would be worse than you finally building up the courage to speak to him and he denies it, you argue more because you know he is lying, you go look for evidence in an attempt to bring your case to him once again, and he has destroyed the evidence. Now you've got yourself an even stickier situation.

 

#7 If you know you don't want to forgive him and take him back at any point, even if he choses you... make sure you have all the evidence... that will be very helpful for court.

 

#8 If you feel you do want to take him back, don't worry about other's judgements or opinions, no one gets the two of you like you do.

 

#9 Good luck, and stay well. Keep us informed!

[TechResQ]

very beautifully stated, ash1212. All of your points were/are spot-on!

[Rabican]

Wow I just caught onto this thread, Ive gotta say I feel for ya, that sounds like a terrible situation to be in. You already know you need to confront it, and I know thats a hard scary situation to deal with... but for your own self respect, and for your daughter, you need to do it. Imagine how this will eat at you if you let it go on for the next 15 years.... anyone would be lucky to come away from that with half of the vibrancy they had before. It will crush you, unless you are a much stronger person than I... because I simply could not tolerate that without going into a murderous rage at some point.

 

So consider this when trying to decide if/ when to confront him:

 

What you permit, you promote.

 

So if you think somethings gonna magically change.... when he hugs you and says hes sorry.... dont buy it.

[auburnslp]

So Cadence, how are things going?