Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Hi. I'm sorry this is going to be so long but this is truly the first time I let out my problem and feelings... Please don't judge me or think I am weak or any les of me... I'm Cadence,25,from CT,USA...I have been married for 3 years now and with my husband I have a beautiful two and a half year old daughter Alexis. My husband is cheating on me.Has been for over a year and a half now. The story is(if you'd bear with me for a second): We started dating when I was quite young,21,he was 22 and he was still at Yale(college). I accidentally got pregnant not even a year into our relationship and we married when shortly before I turned 23 and he just graduated. To mention,we both come from quite wealthy,'respectable' families so marrying was the logical thing to do,plus we were in love. So we moved in to our own house,had our daughter,he has his company,our marriage was still happy.I thought everything was perfect.I really did. About a year ago I started suspecting. The girl he's in a relationship with is 21 and a student at Yale. I met her a couple of times.Once was at this dinner party my husbands company was throwing,she was there with someone.They pretended they just met but they simply seemed to close for two people that have just met. Plus,her grandparents kind of run in the same social circle as us so I met her the second time also on some party thrown by her grandparents. About a year ago I started suspecting because he started spending more and more time away and to be kind of secretive and colder towards me. One day,I get a call from a doorman in the building in New Haven(thats where Yale is) in which our apartment is about my husband getting some kind of a package there I had no idea what he was talking about because I thought that that apartment was never used and I really saw no reason why my husband would go there... I mentioned nothing to him and then about three months down the road I went there to check it out. And voila! The apartment was very obviously used frequently.Dishes in the sink,food in the fridge. The bed was slept in(two people have of her clothes were around.Some of his too.There was even a picture of the two of them... I felt like throwing up. I never said anything about this to anyone.ANYONE. It was 6 months ago. And they have this relationship for a year and a half now!I don't know how they've met or any aspects but I do know that she is living with a roomate so that apartment is just a 'love nest'... Some people actually know about ther relationship... I don't know what to do. There were times when I thought how it's my fault.How that girl is younger,prettier,smarter,funnier.... I wonder if he is in love with her.... Cause the girl is really a nice girl,I wish she wasn't but she is... When I met her,I really liked her.Everyone loves her. The other day I was having lunch with some friends of my mother and they were talking about her and how wonderful she is.I almost started yelling 'How the f*ck can she be wonderful when she is sleeping with MY husband!' I just can't leave him....I am suffering sheer adultery over here and I can't leave him... I am scared of it and I am scared of my daughter being without a father... And the worst part of it I am scared that he is going to leave me! I am shocked and disgusted with myself... Could use with an advice cause I don't know what to say to myself anymore.... Thanks in advance for the replies....xxx Link to comment
tictactoe2006 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Hi Cadence, SO sorry to hear this - as a husband that was cheated on, I can empathize with you. I really think you should either talk to him about this, or other close friends/family. You shouldn't have to suffer this alone. What he's done is despicable, and I really think you need to exorcize this guy form your life. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I take it that your husband doesn't know that you know of this? Link to comment
auburnslp Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Really sorry about what you are going through. And my advice is probably what you will get from most on here. He is cheating, and he needs to be given an ultimatum that it's her or you. That you will stay with him only if he cuts that relationship off immediately, and agrees to go to counselling with you. I really don't personally see any other options, but that's just me. I'm sorry, and good luck no matter what you decide to do. Link to comment
Aueft Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I strongly agree with Auburnslp. Something has to change. The relationship obviously can't thrive in the current situation. First, you may consider telling someone you are close with, because this is obviously a very difficult time in your life. Second, you need to confront this issue. You have a daughter with this guy, and it's clear that he has no respect for the family he has. This has been going on for over a year, it's not going to disappear and go away; if anything the problem will persist. Take action immediately and lay down what you know, and what needs to change. If he's a good man, it's not too late to fix it, but it's probably getting VERY close to that point. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Well, I can only let you know what I did when I found out. Which was to take as much time as I wanted to decide what I wanted to do and get my "affairs" in order so to speak. I never let on that I knew, so I was able to stash some extra money, figure out a place to live, you know I made plans for best & worst case scenario. So you need to figure out what you want & make a decision. Some women can live with the charade & others cannot. I never wanted a man that was a cheater & my ex just thought he was so clever as to never get caught. He would have just cheated on me again had I stayed & that was never the life I wanted, so I left. You seem like a sweet nice girl who deserves better. I know its a shock now, but this will continue to eat at you, you will spend your time wondering where he really is, start checking on him all the time, being paranoid..is it worth it? Link to comment
lillybee1982 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I’m so sorry for your pain. I could sense it through your post. This is really sad. I can't believe you have not said anything to him. I know I would have not been able to keep quiet. You must be really afraid of him leaving. You sound like you’re very much still love him despite his adultery. In a way he has already left you. I know that you don't want to have your daughter lose a father, but being in a marriage that is unhealthy will affect your daughter anyway. It is best if your daughter has the example of a mother that stood up for her values and self-love/respect, than a mother that sits back and lets things happen behind her back and lives miserably. You don't want your daughter having this example. You don't want your daughter becoming a woman dependant on a man for anything...emotionally, psychologically, or physically. What is really tough here is that you have to be strong for you (which I think you are having a lot of trouble with) so that you can be strong for your daughter. You need to speak to your husband. You have to tell him that you know. Don't take his BS if he gives you any. Believing his lies will only prolong the pain. You both need to have a REAL discussion about this. It's up to you whether you decide to stay with him or not. But you have to do what is right in your heart and what is right for your daughter. Figure this out after you confront him. There are support groups out there as well. Or talk with friends and family so that they can support you in this. I’m sure your fear is your whole world falling apart. You want to keep the idea of what you thought was reality going. But reality is obviously not what you thought it was, because if it was he would not be deceiving his family and living a double life. He is not thinking of you two...only himself. I wish you luck, and my heart goes out to you. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Wow,quick.Thank you guys so much! He doesn't know that I am aware...nobody does. The thing is that he is a really good man,an excellent father and before I knew I saw his as the perfect husband... I would give him an ultimatum,I want this to stop but I am way too scared that he will choose her and thats what horrifies me in myself. And then again I don't know that if he chose to stop the affair would I be able to forgive him for cheating in the first place... Sometimes I wish that I had never found out....it would be easier Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I know that right now it feels like staying quiet and staying and staying is the softer, easier way to deal with this. But is it? Isn't it gnawing at you every day, knowing that he is doing this while you're at home with your child? I agree that you should take as much time as you need to figure out what to do. In fact, why not start seeing a counsellor to help you get your mind off of the hamster wheel that it surely is on? A good counsellor can help you find out what YOU want and how to achieve that. There's no way to understand why someone does these things. Quite simply, it's not your fault. Cheating is about the cheater, not their victim. He cheated for his own reasons, which have nothing to do with you. A wide range of people get cheated on - from the homely to the model-quality beautiful...it's nothing to do with whom the cheater is cheating on...it's everything to do with how the cheater chooses to get his or her needs met - the way of integrity (asking and working for it) or the 'easy' and selfish way (cheating). You're not the one who has something to be ashamed of. But if you don't stand up for yourself at some point, then you may indeed. You don't need to decide at this moment, but you need to get started on deciding what you're going to do. Since this decision is complex, it will be a process and you should be patient with it. But if you keep delaying dealing with this, it's going to swallow you up and do far more damage than had you actively dealt with it. Don't wait for him to announce his transgression and end your marriage and make decisions about your life. Start acting now. Bottom line, I know you're scared to leave or be left. But there are many things you can start doing to allay that fear and face that fear. Start with those actions and move toward a decision. Link to comment
Whiskers Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 He's not exactly flaunting it but believe me, he's not hiding it. This isn't a marriage. He's taken very little care. You shouldn't be terrified of what will happen if he leaves you or if you leave him, you have no reason to be...he's cheating on you and that's not love. A good father can be a good father no matter whether they are married to the mother or not. A wife deserves to be loved NO matter what and with it should be affection, time and complete trust. You deserve so much better and selling yourself short. XXXX Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I feel for you in wishing that you never found out, but you needed to in order to decide your future, with or without him. I'm sure it's hard for you to talk to him about this, but if you don't, it will only make you bitter and miserable. He has to make a choice, but YOU also have a choice in this, as far as even if he does end it with her...Will he work on fixing the marriage? Can you live with the fact that he cheated? Wishing you the best...Take care Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I know,I was very surprised about how easy it was to find out! Even a person that was closing her eyes (i.e. me) was able to discover it! The least problem for me is where to go if I leave him. But I am just so confused,I still love him,I do.And I feel like he still loves me. Why,why did he have to do this?! Why did he had to ruin what we had?! Does he love her too?! Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 It's natural to wonder whether he loves her too, but that's not the issue. Stop asking why. It will drive you crazy. Start asking What and How. What do you need to do? What do you want? How can you do it? How can you get it? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 If I just sort out the What,the How will be easy... I remember always saying that there is no excuse for cheating and any boyfriend,fiancee,husband will be more than just dumped if he ever does that to me... But here I am in a marriage where my husband did not just have a meaningless fling with his secretery,but an actual relationship that lasts a year and a half...I am truly disgusted at myself... Link to comment
awnestj Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 if everyone loves the other girl, it's because they must not know the real her. a "wonderful person" would never willingly become a mistress Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 The thing is that he is a really good man,an excellent father and before I knew I saw his as the perfect husband... I would give him an ultimatum,I want this to stop but I am way too scared that he will choose her and thats what horrifies me in myself. And then again I don't know that if he chose to stop the affair would I be able to forgive him for cheating in the first place... Sometimes I wish that I had never found out....it would be easier I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, however; He's neither a good man, good husband nor a good father. He's a cheating SOB and should be treated as such. He doesn’t respect you or your daughter. He’s only considering himself and getting laid. Before confronting him arm yourself with facts and evidence of the affair. I'm curious how you seem so lax about this situation. Maybe it's my interpretation of what and how you wrote your description. I have no tolerance of persons such as this. I wish you well and hope you find a quick and painless resolution to this issue. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 if everyone loves the other girl, it's because they must not know the real her. a "wonderful person" would never willingly become a mistress I know! But thats the thing that scares me,that the two of them are in fact in love and thats why she's with him! You would never ever say that this girl would somebody's mistress...it's really weird... Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Well,I am very far from lax... But maybe we see things differently.I am really really confused and the situation is like some kind of 'out of body experience' I thought so too.That cheating is the ultimate form of betreyal and that anyone who subjects to it should be tossed on their @ss...but now it's happening to me and I am seeing things very differently.... Link to comment
bijoux27 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I would give him an ultimatum,I want this to stop but I am way too scared that he will choose her and thats what horrifies me in myself. He's living in a fantasy world with that other woman. What he REALLY has is you, and his daughter. That's reality. But he keeps escaping reality whenever he goes to that apartment. If you just tell him to choose her over you with out doing anything, he might still try to keep up a double life. Speak to a lawyer and see what options you have. I am not saying to divorce him right away and take drastic action, but do figure out what you can do for yourself and your daughter. Adultery is a very bad thing, "punishable" by law. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I know,adultery is something horrendous. He broke the vows that the two of us took,he broke his promises to me,to Lexie....he broke it all... We did sign a prenup so I am ensured as far as money goes....but the thing is that I still see him as the only person I could ever imagine spending my life with! Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have gone through the same thing and my H was cheating on me for almost 4 yrs. When I found out I was devastated. He kept telling me that he would end it and I was a fool so many times to believe him. I finally gave him an ultimatum and told him to leave. He didn't leave and tells me that he has ended it, and there have been some improvements, but I am still trying to work things out. You have to tell your husband that you know, and don't think about the why and how and all of that stuff it will drive you nuts. I did the same thing and I still do not have an answer. Just confront him and and tell him that he needs to end the relationship with the OW, and that's it. Also, you should not leave your home. He should leave. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I'm sorry....*hugs* Thank you... I.....should confront him about it.... I need time to get rid of all this stupid fear that I have in me....:sad: Link to comment
Whiskers Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Time will not make this easier to face. XXXX Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Nothing will make this easier to face.... Link to comment
Meatyka Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I really dont understand how you have dealth with this all this time. What you must feel everytime you see him, when he says he loves you. Your a brave girl, you really are. I wish you well and luck in this, and he really doesnt deserve you. Link to comment
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