Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I really dont understand how you have dealth with this all this time. What you must feel everytime you see him, when he says he loves you. Your a brave girl, you really are. I wish you well and luck in this, and he really doesnt deserve you. Thanks but I am very far from strong.... And actually everytime he says he loves me or kisses me,I feel good.Like everything is gonna be alright... Pathetic I know... Link to comment
Mlost Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I know,adultery is something horrendous. He broke the vows that the two of us took,he broke his promises to me,to Lexie....he broke it all... We did sign a prenup so I am ensured as far as money goes....but the thing is that I still see him as the only person I could ever imagine spending my life with! I know that it's hard to see at the beginning of something like this, or if you do end up getting a divorce; but everyone who is losing someone they love feel like they could never love again. It's the normal, natural response. It shows you have a heart. Time is the only healer when stuff like this happens. You get further away from it, it starts to shrink a little, then a little more. Sometimes it rears its ugly head, but then it shrinks a bit more. And then suddenly you wake up one morning and realize that you didn't think about that think or that person for the entire day yesterday. Link to comment
Meatyka Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Thanks but I am very far from strong.... And actually everytime he says he loves me or kisses me,I feel good.Like everything is gonna be alright... Pathetic I know... Your wrong, you are Strong, it takes a strong person to do what you have done. And it isnt Pathetic, your holding onto him cause you love him deeply, you cant help who you fall in love with. I wish he felt the same way about you though *hug* Good luck with everything, i really hope this works out for you. Link to comment
SarCareBear Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 you deserve so much better. as others have said this will not be easy, but best of luck! just make sure to have some pre-plans, but you should be able to get him out of the house since he is the adulterer here. do this while you have proof. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 What you have to recognize is that he has no incentive to stop this. He's got it great... and wife and child at home, his own company, and a twinkie on the side. Married and domestic life can be 'boring' for some people after awhile... they get bored by the routine of it, and will go out looking for spice on the side. So he well could love you AND love the fact that he gets to 'date' on the side for excitement. The bad news would be if he does love this other girl, and is just biding his time and plotting his escape from you, even shifting assets offshore so you don't get them in a divorce. So you CAN'T ignore this, but you need to approach this in a way that is best for you and your child. First, you must go to his 'love nest' with a videocamera and take pictures of the evidence. Get copies of the pictures of them together. Next contact an attorney and an accountant, and get copies of all the financial statement and accounts. You want them to evaluate the statements to see if he has been sending money to outside accounts you don't know about, or spending a lot of money on her. You may need evidence of this in a divorce. Once you have your ducks in a row in the event of a divorce, you need to sit him down and confront him with the evidence and that you know about the affair. Also have the name of a marriage counselor, and make it a pre-requisite for him to attend marriage counseling with you to see if your marriage can be saved. Men when confronted will frequently lie about their involvement, or the depth of their involvement with the other woman, and you can't believe everything they say. So you need to go to the marriage counselor with him to get to the bottom of this. If he is in love with her and was going to leave, he'd do that no matter what, and better to leave on your terms when you're prepared and have evidence for the divorce. It will influence custody decisions, and frequently the amount of alimony you might receive. If he's not in love with her and is just 'playing' with her, then putting him on notice that you won't tolerate it and he will lose her if he carries on, might snap him out of it. But you must do this with the assistance of a lawyer, accountant, and marriage counselor ready to go. He needs to know you mean business, and that you are nobody's doormat and will do what it takes to protect yourself, your daughter, and your marriage. Doing nothing puts all three of those in jeopardy, since this little twinkie might get pregnant to try to trap him. Better for you to snap him back to reality with an understanding that being married means he DOES have responsibility and owes you something better than this kind of treatment, and he will pay if he chooses to leave or disrespect you. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Thanks for the advice....I laughed at the Twinkie.... But seriously I don't think he is spending money on her or that she will try to trap him.She's kind of an ambitious,sensible girl,plus money isn't a problem for her. I'm not defending her or anything,there's no excuse for what she is doing but just to get the facts out... Money just doesn't worry me at all...I mean,I'm just not thinking about it or the divorce or our prenup...it's just too far ahead for me at the moment if you don't mind me saying... I have decided to confront him about his infidelity.Not tonight,he's out of town(he is seriously out of town on business,he isn't with his Twinkie) which will give me some more time to pluck up the courage and then I confront him... Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Thanks for the advice....I laughed at the Twinkie.... But seriously I don't think he is spending money on her or that she will try to trap him.She's kind of an ambitious,sensible girl,plus money isn't a problem for her. I'm not defending her or anything,there's no excuse for what she is doing but just to get the facts out... Money just doesn't worry me at all...I mean,I'm just not thinking about it or the divorce or our prenup...it's just too far ahead for me at the moment if you don't mind me saying... I have decided to confront him about his infidelity.Not tonight,he's out of town(he is seriously out of town on business,he isn't with his Twinkie) which will give me some more time to pluck up the courage and then I confront him... Ok, sweets, This is just a friendly reminder from someone who has been there & just be prepared to find that you may not know him like you thought you did. Listen to crazyaboutdogs, just b/c you have the ammo doesn't mean you have to shoot, but please be prepared to take care of yourself and your child. Keep in mind that once he is confronted, if he hasn't started to do any of those things, he may go into protection mode and start. There is no excuse for not doing everything to protect yourself at this point. You obviously thought he would never cheat Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Ok, sweets, This is just a friendly reminder from someone who has been there & just be prepared to find that you may not know him like you thought you did. Listen to crazyaboutdogs, just b/c you have the ammo doesn't mean you have to shoot, but please be prepared to take care of yourself and your child. Keep in mind that once he is confronted, if he hasn't started to do any of those things, he may go into protection mode and start. There is no excuse for not doing everything to protect yourself at this point. You obviously thought he would never cheat Lol,yeah I definitely believed that! Thank you! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 If he is in love with this girl, there is no telling what he is capable of. There are many men who will spend a long time preparing to leave someone, especially when there is a child involved. They know that judges will rarely give custody of a very young child to the father, but once the child is around 4 or 5, joint custody could easily be awarded. So they'll hang around until they can get what they want in the divorce. So many women assume they know their husband well, but he is already leading a secret life, including a love nest with someone else, and a long affair. And she isn't a 'nice' girl or she wouldn't be banging your husband. She may be spending a huge amount of effort trying to get him to agree to leave you, so don't waste any sympathy or good thoughts on her. Please have some evidence stored away somewhere before confronting him in case this doesn't go the way you expect it to... Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 And, not to harp on the issue, but you also have no idea what he is telling HER. Soooo, if say he does end up breaking it off w/ her to be with you, now you have a "woman scorned" situation. Just think of the most logical person you know & do what they would do while you are in this emotional blender. Feel what you feel, but do your best to put yourself outside the situation & make logical decisions. Think long term goals. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 You also need to confront this because you need to start using condoms if you have sex with your husband. You don't know what STDs this girl has (or might bring into the relationship), and there is always a possibility that he is bringing other girls to the 'love nest.' You don't want to catch HIV, and you want to live long enough to raise your daughter and see your grandchildren. You can't really close your eyes to a man who is sleeping around and lying about it, though you'd like to. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 Thanks,he is now away so I am waiting for him to come back before confronting... And I do appreciate the advice but there's no way this girl or my husband have any form of STD's,let alone HIV! Thats taking it a little too far.... Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Thanks,he is now away so I am waiting for him to come back before confronting... And I do appreciate the advice but there's no way this girl or my husband have any form of STD's,let alone HIV! Thats taking it a little too far.... Cadence, this is naive. STDs are extremely common. If your husband doesn't have enough respect for you to not sleep with another woman, can you be 100% sure that every time he's slept with her he's used protection? Can you be sure that she's the only person that he's slept with? Can you be certain that she's only sleeping with your husband? Any time there is infidelity, there is risk of STD exposure. If you've had sex without condoms with your husband since he's been involved with this woman, it's extremely important that you get tested immediately. Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 Well,I may be a naive person but not in this case...I gues you would have to be here to see it but I highly doubt that anyone my husband or this girl know has any sort of STD let alone HIV... Link to comment
orangesoda Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 i agree with others are saying - you should get STD tested. you can have a screening done at a local clinic for free and anonymously. the truth is, you can't know for sure that there weren't/aren't other partners involved. he may be sleeping with just her (outside of your marriage) but no one knows if she's slept/sleeping with anyone else. And if she is, if that person is sleeping with anyone else. all it takes is one exposure - and often, STDs show no symptoms for a long time. i don't mean to add even more pressure/stress to your situation. but for your health as well as future well-being of your children, you should get tested. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 If you don't mind me asking, is part of your fear the loss of face? It sounds as though you run and seem to value the opinion of a select group of people, and that you almost believe that this social standing somehow makes some of yall 'immune' to what the rest of us go through. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But to assume that there is no way that STDs are being passed around here, that is putting yourself (and the mother of your daughter) at great risk. Can you just be open to possibility that it could happen? And get yourself tested, and protect yourself and your body from here on in? I think of it this way, and maybe you'll understand - getting tested and using condoms and/OR not having sex with your hubby now, what harm can it do? Nothing at all. But there is the possibility of harm if you put your head in the sand and refuse. I know it's scary to even think about, but even if you don't look at it, once you know of something it's there and it fills up your body and head and stomach, and can even make you sick if you do not deal with it. The stress alone, but also the possibility of an STD. And on the issue of face, and money, perhaps you are used to things being a certain way and part of you is afraid of losing that particular 'membership' or 'appearance' of being a certain type of person with a certain type of life?? Just a shot in the dark. But if that is at play here, at least there is something you can do about it. And by the way....I LOVED hearing about how when sitting with a group of such and such's friends raving on about what a wonderful girl this tart is, how you wanted to blurt "she can't be that wonderful if she is fing my husband!" It made me smile to know you are feeling some anger, justifiable anger, and some discomfort at this schism and lie that your husband has brought into your life. The good thing is: You have the power for yourself to choose whether to continue to live in lies, or to live true and authentic for yourself. That is something no cheater (and I've experienced infidelity myself) can EVER take away if you do not give them the permission to. As far as fearing losing him....Is it really him you fear to lose, or maybe something he represents to you?? I feared losing my ex, too, but was so angry at knowing he had decided to cheat (hence, to my mind, leaving the relationship anyways) that the fear just poofed away and in its place, the REAL fears were able to surface. Fears like....being on your own. Facing life as someone who has been 'cheated' on. For you, you'll have your own. And I promise you, if you face them, you'll be surprised at how wonderfully able you are to conquer each one, how each one is groundless!! You have all the strength you need inside, you just have to believe in YOURSELF right now above all else - especially, including his lies (which you'll hear when you confront him) and the fears and what you WANT to believe. Just follow what you know is true and right, and be ruthless in that. You've got extra motivation, as you can summon up the image of your daughter: and what it is you want to pass on to her as a living example of how a woman deals with pain and disappointment. lots of luck Link to comment
Kalika Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Honestly, I'm kind of shocked by this thread, that you could sit there and listen to all these good things being said about your husband's .. whatever she is .. and not say anything. When will you finally say something? When he gets HER pregnant, too? Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 I am the mother of my daughter.... Anyway.....I must admit to catching myself in a few aspects of your posts....especially when it comes to loosing my appearance....but it's the way I was raised. I was a daughter,now I am a wife and a mother.... I am loosing my life,so yeah I would call it part of my problem.As far as the social standing....I'd rather not comment. I know I need to be strong when I confront him...I'm feeling a bit more secure in myself writing all thse feelings down and reading the posts,but still terrified. I hate this not-knowing stupid limbo land! Edit: oh I get what you were trying to say with the mother of your daughter...lol.Thanks Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Honey, some of the wealthiest and most 'refined' men in the world have a taste for affairs and wild sex and sex with hookers that they would never tell their wives about. And of course their 'well bred' wives are horrified when they find out. STDs are a biological reality that has nothing to do with social class and can infect anyone, even those who think they are being careful. A person can have sex with someone ONCE and catch a nasty STD because they slept with someone who slept with someone who slept with someone else who had the STD. It is like catching a cold or any other virus, which travels throughout the population without regard to anything other than personal contact. So the maxim is true that when you sleep with someone, it is as if you slept with everyone else that ANY of them have slept with in terms of catching the virus. Nobody is immune, and the fact that your husband has shown the ability to betray you and have an affair, shows he is very capable of sleeping with someone else, and might actually be sleeping with LOTS of someone elses for all you know. And that girl could have slept with 5 other guys who combined slept with 100 other women for all you know. Please at a minimum insist on testing for STDs of yourself and your husband, and have the name of a marriage counselor (and a lawyer) when you confront him. If he wants the marriage, you need to go into counseling to ensure you work thru this, and if he's not willing to break it off, you'll need a lawyer to protect yourself and your assets and your daughter. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I just wanted to say: I think that is a rather universal feeling, that sense of humiliation, of being humiliated. When someone betrays us like this, and hurts us so much. So if you are feeling that way, I understand. And if that is part of what is keeping you from confiding in the people closest to you, I'd understand that too. I know you feel as though you are losing your life, and that everything feels so intense right now. Though it's sometimes helpful to remind ourselves that it isn't true: your life isn't lost. It's yours to do with as you wish. Things haven't gone the way you dreamed or wanted them to, and you are losing a certain manifestation and way of life, just don't forget that there are other ones out there that as this is dealt with, you can still have a good life. I guess some people call it faith. I just call it reminding myself that life is pretty huge and much bigger than just the moment and what we think about and are experiencing at the moment. All I know is, it can help to get through something like this. Along with empowered action, and expressing yourself like you say you feel you are doing here, it really does help. (if that picture was of your baby girl, she is beautiful). Link to comment
Cadence_oO Posted July 19, 2008 Author Share Posted July 19, 2008 Thank you so much.....that is one amazing post.... And yes,it was a piture of Lexie but I was advised to remove it... BeStrongBeHappy-I really appreciate your advice and concern but can we just drop that subject...It's just too much for me to deal with or even think about at this moment..... Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Here is something just to get you thinking. Do you think it is possible that your husbands girlfriend has slept with at least 4 people in her life? Whether she used condoms or not, she probably has contracted HPV. This is the common cold of std's you wouldn't even know you had it. Is the leading cause to cervical cancer right now, not to mention genital warts. Most people don't do this kind of research when they hop into bed with their new hottie. It is entirely your choice to stick your head in the sand on all of these issues that are going on in your life right now. Its your one and only life, and you have to live it as you see fit, but you are getting very sound advice from people who have been there, done that. I know you think your circumstances are special, but look all over this board, its actually pretty common. I'm sorry that you are going through this, I really am, but there is no reason to make it worse for yourself. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Hi Cadence I read in one of your posts where you said this girl was a sensitive, and ambitious person. Not to sound harsh, but she's far from having any sense, by sleeping with your husband. I realize that this is a rough time for you, but I think you're in the "denial" stage right now, the "anger" stage will soon follow. STD's can happen to anyone, regardless of their status, rich, poor, educated, it has no bounds. I do wish you the best, and hopefully you can make some good choices, and resolve this. Take care... Link to comment
longway2go.123 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 WHAT are your fears>? why haven't you talked to ur husband yet? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 So how are you doing, Cadence? Will wait *patiently* for your updates. Wishing you the best. Know this must be excruciatingly tough for you. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.