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OK, so she visits for friendship or to make it work?

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Long story short, girl and I broke up after a long term, partial long distance relationship. She met someone and felt she was trapped and needed to be free. There were a few lies, and a lot of yelling and finally an understanding that she needed space and isnt sure if she wants to visit me for my birthday. (she lives 1000 miles away)


We had been flying to see each other every two weeks or so, and had a awesome trip to Costa Rica about a month ago. On the last trip down, we had a huge fight, and I ended up staying at my mothers house for the weekend. (they live in the same town) So, she had a ticket up here for my birthday and we were going to go camping in the Cascades.


She texted me saying she so wants to see me for my b-day but is tired of all the back and forth about love and sex. (she wants everything BUT sex at this point).


I've made it clear that if she wants to come up, it should be because she wants to try to make us work. We both miss the friendship, and I think she wants that more right now. We really do get along well, in fact we can laugh through just about anything. Even the big fight. "Oh yeah, well here's another f**k you, just to irk and annoy you." I then smiled. She smiled at me with loving eyes ands said "f**k you too" We both busted up laughing.


So, what its come down to is this..


She wants to come up, isnt sure. Says, "Of course I miss you, but I need space" I said "ok, Ill leave my phone on the day you are supposed to get here (two weeks) if you decide to come I'll pick you up." I pretty sure she'll call me before that.


So, Do I try and cultivate a friendship with her while she is dating others (I said no way) or insist she only come up here if she wants to fix the relationship?

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I think you would be doing the right thing to be self-protective right now and tell her to only come up if she wants to work on the relationship.


Later you can visit as friends, but not right now, when you so clearly still want the relationship, and she is so clearly not sure.


Standing up for yourself this way will make you look stronger to her, as long as you say it firmly, without emotion, and in simple terms. No need for a long, drawn-out letter, just a short statement.


She needs to figure out what she wants, and unless you want to be along for the ups and downs of her being warm and then pulling away, you might do best to have some space from her.

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