exploding head

4 months... It's been four months since I last saw her. Today is hard. I wish I knew why she keeps snooping around every day. My heart is healing but I feel nothing. Like It died when she left. I keep breathing. Career-wise things are looking up. I've been hanging out with a bunch of old friends. It helps somewhat. I just still feel like it's all so unfair. I didnt deserve all this.

Day 6 after 50 days NC I've had a great weekend with friends, hiking, camping, meeting a few new girls, and generally feeling up for a change. I'm thinking of travelling again for a few years. Nothing ever quite made me as happy and the soul does need re-charging. The ex called me, I was shocked. I told her How she had hurt me, and then there was a sense of guilt from her. She did apologize. I really laid it all out that I was extremely depressed, "thrown away" I have been noticing that I'm having trouble sleeping, but it's not because of depression, much the opposite? I cant shut down. Feeling excited to hike, work, do anything. I've been reading a lot of Buddhist literature dealing with loss and anger, and I kinda woke up one morning thinking positive and well, I didnt sleep for 37 hours afterwards. Not sure how I feel about her anymore. I do miss talking to her, but I feel disrespected and just thrown away. She knew from the beginning of our relationship that we can never go back to friends again. (known her since I was 16, 31 now)And that TOTALLY sucks.

this would be Day 50 but she called me this morning. it was civil. I let her know how hurt I was and she said she was truly sorry. I could hear the guilt in her voice. I feel relieved strangely enough..

Day 49 I have given up hope of her returning. Now I just want to break NC to tell her what a b**** she is.

Day 48 Really hating my ex today. I want her to hurt.. badly. Hope she gets hit by a truck.

Day 47 I feel anger. (ok, ok, more like psychotic rage) I really hope someone breaks her heart as much as she broke mine. I want to be there when this happens and say, smiling "I hope it hurts! =)"

Day 46 NC isnt all that hard anymore. "There are boundaries now where there were no boundaries before...... " feel the same way, prettymom. I have this feeling she will call me or text me soon, but who knows