freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 My ex cheated on me with a girl almost 10 years younger than me. When I found out and confronted him about it, he's the one that yelled at me and cursed me out and told me that I better not tell the girl's family, we're all pretty close and this would be devastating news to the family because the girl is considered to be very innocent and sweet. He then changed his phone number (if you have any insight on why he did this, I would love to know) and gave it to everyone, including his ex-girlfriend, but not me. I also found out later that 2 days after the confrontation, he and his ex-girlfriend were supposed to go on a date, I guess he had confided in her about everything. I keep thinking about all of the above, and I wonder if I'm ever going to stop feeling this pain when I wake up. There ARE some moments where I feel alright, but basically those thoughts are consuming right now. Am I ever going to feel okay again? I feel so worthless right now ... I guess I just wanted an apology, or something to show me that the past 2 years wasn't for nothing and wasn't fake. In some ways I just wanna slap him, but I know I can't. I know any kind of infidelity is painful, but I feel like I got it the worst way because not only did he cheat, but he never apologized, never felt bad, ran back to his ex, changed HIS phone number .... and I was faithful the whole time. Most guys, when they get caught, apologize profusely and beg for their girlfriends to take them back. Mine didn't. So I'm left with this empty hole and asking myself, "what the (*&^ just happened?" Please help. Any encourage or advice would be helpful right now.... as I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 He is feeling bad, that is why he changed his number. He did it because he is feeling really guilty. He wanted to get away from the thing that he felt was causing him guilt which is you. I know that might not help, but his actions are from a man who is feeling bad and trying very hard not to. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thank your lucky stars that someone else will have to put up with his immaturity, selfishness and infidelity! I know it hurts, and im so sorry your going through this. But in time you will feel better. Just be glad that someone who can do this to you is no longer in your life. Link to comment
shellbell225 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 As hard as it is, you will move past it. You didn't get the closure or "reaction" from your ex that you deserve but, then again, we don't always get that closure. The best thing for you to do is move on. This guy is an a** and I have the feeling he KNOWS he is not good enough for you (this is why he cut you off but not others as they must not make him feel inadequate). I'm sure over the course of your life you did not imagine yourself with such a scumbag so it's good you didn't end up with one. Push through your pain; hang out with friends, exercise, join a group (sailing, bowling league, etc.). This will open you up to meeting new people and forgetting about this jerk. Good luck I know you'll be okay! Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 First of all, I am so sorry that you have to go through with this. However, even though you can't see it now, you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF. I mean, just look at what you posted. Do you want ANY of those qualities in a mate? I can totally see this guy crawling back to you but you have to make sure the door stays firmly shut. You will feel better with time. Strangely, it's always the guys that treat us the worst that are the hardest to get over. It'll take a lot of work but you need to just stop thinking about him. Keep busy, try new things, spoil yourself, and breathe. I wish the best for you. Link to comment
Whiskers Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Rosephase is right, his actions scream guilty. Not to mention telling you not to tell the girls family, he knows he did wrong and he can't do anything about it which leaves him powerless and lost (not that you should in anyway feel guilty for that) The pain you feel is that pain of betrayal, you've had the rug pulled out from under you and you are struggling to stand. He threw your life into disarray and I'm sorry for that. I doubt your apology will come anytime soon. Although it doesn't feel like it, you can move on in the knowlegde that he's living in shame and you didn't do anything to deserve it. It sounds as though, with his ex girlfriend in the picture, that he was checking out of the relationship, that he is a man you can do without. What you need to do now, is move on and forget about him. Work through the loss of him and if he ever takes a step back into your life - remember the betrayal. You don't need to carry that around because it wasn't your fault and you can do so much better. You will make it through this. There is a really amazing guy out there waiting for you. Do not let it destroy your confidence...his mistake, not yours. XXXX Link to comment
arwen Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Hey sweetie, I am so sorry that he did this to you. It is very wrong of him to first cheat on you and then yell at you AND make demands on not telling anyone. You didn't deserve this treatment, and I think the first important thing in healing is to convince yourself of that. I don't know when the pain will stop, but I can assure you that it will become more bearable and you will be able to enjoy your life more and more in time. I know you'd like answers to the many questions that are circling around in your head, but I think that no one can explain you why your ex did this to you. He's the only one who could answer it and I doubt it's an answer that would help you in any way to move on. The only thing I can say is that you WILL get over this, and that it's probably best to take it day by day. Don't blame yourself for having pain, and don't blame yourself for what he did to you Hugs, Arwen Link to comment
jimthzz Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'm sorry you got cheated on. It will take a period of time to process this and then feel better. Just hang in there. I am sure he cut you out of his life because you remind him about how good things were with you and he is ashamed of himself. But he is weak in character, a liar and a cheater. Who needs to be reminded of that? Of course, he could have reflected on his bad behavior and resolved to fix things between the two of you. But he never will. Be proud of the way you have acted in all this. The sadness will pass. Closure from him would be nice, but it won't happen. He'd have to face himself. He can't. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I am sorry to hear about what happened. He changed his phone number to avoid hearing any grief over what he did because he doesn't want to hear it. Everything about this guy screams selfish and eventually you will see you are much better off without him. I know from experience that when someone cheats we tend to look out ourselves and what we did wrong but the truth is there is nothing wrong with us, there is something wrong with the person that is cheating. Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thank you for your replies. I woke up this morning just wanting to feeling horrible and just wanting to die rather than feel the pain of everything that happened. More than anything, I'm just really confused and want closure. How do I move forward without it? Is it possible? In a way, him changing his number was a blessing in disguise, because I have a tendency to "go back" to my exes, this will definitely keep me from contacting him. You're right though, I may never get my apology... he was/is a very selfish guy. I guess the cheating was a blessing in disguise too because I would've never broken up with him. And he actually asked me to elope with him (after he cheated, but before I found out)... so I'm so very glad I didn't. I feel better just talking to you guys/girls about it, tho... I'm starting to feel the weight come off a little. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 The signs were there that he didn't consider monogamy to be part of the commitment to your relationship - and that he didn't value involvement with you. You overlooked, ignored, or dismissed them to stay with him - to this conclusion. But he's not sorry he did what he did - he believes he was right and had every right to do it. He just doesn't want the risk of this getting out....so he's eiminating you from his sphere of involvement/influence. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'd say your next task would be learning when and how to give guys the boot. You really need to have more confidence in yourself and learn not to put up with people not worth your time. Cause let me tell you, this guy was not worth your time. Link to comment
j0shua Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 i got a similar reaction from my now ex-wife when i caught her... it is easy to say that we are worth more, that we will be better off without them, that they are selfish, but somehow that doesnt kill the pain or make it any easier. it still hurts, you are still betrayed, your self-esteem still takes a major hit, you still get obsessed w/ "how could they do this, is it my fault, what could i have done differently?" but we are worth more. no one deserves getting manipulated and lied to like this. it is a hard, uneven path to recover from something like this, but it can be done. i am getting better some days, but have major setbacks and backsliding. in fact ive just recently recovered from one (sort of).... best of luck... Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 i got a similar reaction from my now ex-wife when i caught her... it is easy to say that we are worth more, that we will be better off without them, that they are selfish, but somehow that doesnt kill the pain or make it any easier. it still hurts, you are still betrayed, your self-esteem still takes a major hit, you still get obsessed w/ "how could they do this, is it my fault, what could i have done differently?" but we are worth more. no one deserves getting manipulated and lied to like this. it is a hard, uneven path to recover from something like this, but it can be done. i am getting better some days, but have major setbacks and backsliding. in fact ive just recently recovered from one (sort of).... best of luck... How long has it been since you found out? What do you mean by major setbacks and backsliding? Have you gone back to her since? When are we going to feel better completely? The last time this happened, it took me dating this most recent ex to get over the last relationship. I don't feel like doing that again. Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 ...Just one more question to everyone.... with everything that he's done, do you think he ever thinks of me? Right now he's in rehab and doing community service.... do you think with the time he has to think about everything that he may feel remorse? Is it that easy for him to throw away the 2 years that we were together? Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 The signs were there that he didn't consider monogamy to be part of the commitment to your relationship - and that he didn't value involvement with you. You overlooked, ignored, or dismissed them to stay with him - to this conclusion. But he's not sorry he did what he did - he believes he was right and had every right to do it. He just doesn't want the risk of this getting out....so he's eiminating you from his sphere of involvement/influence. I understand that, and you seem to be very in tune with his personality, but how did he eliminate me from his sphere of involvement/influence by changing his number? I still had the phone numbers of the girl's family and friends and his/our friends phone numbers? I'm just curious. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Are you dealing with someone who's in rehab for drugs/booze? IF so, no addict chooses to be with "you as a person" - they choose to be the how easy, optioned, convenient and beneficial it is for them to be around you right now - based on how you are right now. You stop being so free, cheap, easy, and no obligation - and they'll find someone like the "old you" to replace you. Addicts live in a world of one - themselves, and everybody else is a source of distraction, diversion, instant gratification and nothing else. They can't relate to anybody more than they can accept and acknowledge themselves - which is 0%. Basically - when he changed his number he eliminated having to hear your voice on the other end of the phone - unless you went to the trouble of finding out his number, calling it - at which point if he's an aware of how the law works and can work it in his favor addict - he'll have you on charges of stalking. Link to comment
freeindeed Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 For alcohol, but he's not really an alcoholic, he just went in because he's trying to runaway/hide from that girl's family (they found out by the way). As much as I'd like to think that he changed his number because of guilt, I actually think you're right, that he didn't want to hear me confront him about the situation - he doesn't deal with anything in his life. But if he didn't love or care about me, why did he want me to elope with him? I know you think very logically rather than emotionally, but I guess there's a part of me that would like to know if he still thinks about me. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Nobody puts themselves in "rehab" to hide - this is a free country and you can simply go about your business and ignore the people you don't want association with. There'd be no reason for you to confront him about the situation. He slept with someone else becuase he wanted sex and attention without obligation from someone besides you. There's nothing to confront, to accuse, to deny, or discuss...he did what he did, becuase he wanted to do it. What would the confrontation have been about? "How you could do this to me after all I've given, done, sacrificed, endured, tolerated, and allowed for two years? After two yeras of unnlimited access to my body, my life, my world revolving around you how could you sleep with someone else." What's he going to say - if he says the reality based response - you're going to go ballaistic which is "it's not your business, I don't owe you anything for making me the center of your world". Basically, think in these terms, the wanting you to elope was a temporary situational request - or else it would have happened. He wanted in that "moment in time' to be married - but he lives ONLY in the moments that exist - he's not looking at the future, he's not making promises or commitments regarding the future. So to marry you would have meant nothing, and he still would have cheated you on and considered it as irrelevant as he does right now. I doubt seriously he ever thought about what you wanted, needed, expected, or desire in the moment, or in the future - i suspect you crossed his mind when you'd been a convenient source in the past of what he was needing int he present. Link to comment
j0shua Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 How long has it been since you found out? What do you mean by major setbacks and backsliding? Have you gone back to her since? When are we going to feel better completely? The last time this happened, it took me dating this most recent ex to get over the last relationship. I don't feel like doing that again. well, here is my original thread if you are interested: in summary, together 5 years, married 4, one 2 yr old daughter, one 8 yr old stepdaughter, animals, and a house together. she was cheating online (no physical affair as far as i know) w/ a 45 yr old rockstar guy (she is 27). major blow to my ego / self-esteem to say the least... i found out on jan8th. divorce was final a few weeks ago. i originally tried to go back several times, each time she said no. then just a few days after the divorce court date we met up @ bonnaroo (this huge music festival where i used to live w/ her in manchester tn - its where we met) and hung out and she was all "we can go to counseling, i will stop talking to this guy, yadda yadda." i was unsure to say the least. then two days ago i caved and talked to her for an hour on the phone. she agreed to counseling, was sorry, all that, then 20 mins later called me back and told me no. these last few weeks have set me back months as far as healing. where i could see the light before, it is now farther away and more distant, because of my contact w/ her and my overall wussiness. to get to the point thats more related to your questions. no, i am not back with her, but i have tried many times and she has half-ass-ed tried maybe three times, but never with any follow through. it has been 6 mos and the first three were blinding pain, nauseau, depression, no sleep, no food, tears, and unable to work. the last three have been markedly reduced appetite, numbness, depression, and barely able to work. so, its an improvement, but not cured by any means. i pray, i talk whoever will hear me ears off, i get on here everyday pretty much - reading others stories and gleaming what wisdom i can. i journal, i try to take care of 'business' w/ the house and bills, i take care of my daughter. i am lonely but know i am not ready to date, hell i dont even really like to socialize but i hate being alone! oh the irony... good grief i didnt mean to go on and on. im gonna start a new thread for myself i think, but um, i hope you can use some of this babbling ive babbled... good luck. Link to comment
SpeedingCars Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I'm in the same boat (not SO much though... he never changed his number). He didn't apologize over & over again, seems distant, & I feel as if he doesn't give a crap that he broke my heart. He also runs the opposite direction ANYTIME he is confronted with something, or if there is a HINT of some sort of conflict. It's quite immature... Just know that HE has to live with the consequences. I don't know how he's ever going to be in a loving relationship acting like a little brat. Do not devalue yourself. YOU are a good person, you are faithful, loyal, respectful, etc. YOU will find somebody in the future... by the looks of it, it doesn't seem as if he will be able to have that until he changes. Be glad you don't have to deal with that negative energy in your life. I know you will feel better. Time will heal. Funny how it's so easy to give this advice, but so hard to take it myself Link to comment
j0shua Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Funny how it's so easy to give this advice, but so hard to take it myself aye. yes. si. all around the world. easy to say, hard to do. Link to comment
beeter64 Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Hang in there. You WILL make it throught this. My fiance cheated on me and wasn't very remorseful. He didn't change his number or anything but he did say stupid things like "Don't take this personally. She and I never meant to hurt you." Can you believe that one? What a clown he was. Anyway, I'm sorry to see anyone go through this pain. I know too well how bad it hurts. There were days I would close my eyes and I could see was them. It's been two years now and I must say things are better. I still have my bad days but I realize how much better off I am with out him and you are too. You deserve so much more. Please don't sell yourself short and hold out for someone who truly respects you. You have to go through the pain there are no short cuts but you ARE so mch better off with out him. Good luck and take care of yourself. Spend your days thinking about yourself and not him. He isn't your problem anymore. Keep us updated on your progress. Link to comment
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