Why is it so easy for my ex to move on?

[ms.elisemarie]

I'm sorry to vent, I am just having an incredibly hard time today. For days I will feel fine, great even and then the break-up hits me like it's the first day all over again. (We broke up a little over month ago, he moved out 3 weeks ago.)

 

I can't stop focusing on what my ex is doing/may be doing/wants to do - I know it's wrong and pointless but I can't. And the thing is that it hurts so much because by all accounts he is doing well, maybe even great. Why is it so friggin' easy for some people to move on, or at least appear to?

 

It makes me feel like I didn't matter, that the relationship didn't. And I feel like an idiot for still feeling sad when he's out there meeting new people, going out, basically enjoying his life. And it's not like I sit around wallowing - I keep busy, I see my friends, and I take care of myself. But I still miss him and think about us, etc. I feel like I am such an afterthought to him.

 

I mean are some people just able to look back like we didn't matter? Are they masking the pain? Will it hit them later?

 

And why do I care so much?! I do my best to not focus on it but here I am. God, I am so frustrated.

 

I mean are some people just able to look back like we didn't matter? Are they masking the pain? Will it hit them later?

 

And why do I care so much?! I do my best to not focus on it but here I am. God, I am so frustrated.

[very lonely]

ms. elisemarie,

 

i have asked the same questions to my exW. we spent 20 some years together and not more than 20 days after the divorce was final she went on a date and spent the nite with another man. like all we had together didn't matter to her in anyway...it hurts.

i don't understand it either. just talk to the good people here on ENA and they can help you thru it....they have helped me so much over the last couple of months.

[Nearwater]

Guys do not as a gender bottle it up!

I am living, weeping, screaming proof of that.

 

My ex is doing the same "moving on" into a relationship while ours is still a bleeding wound that has not scabbed over.

 

I think it will hit them in a few months when the enormity of it sinks in.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You think he has moved on...

 

BUT, that's just what he shows you. He is probably really suffering, as much as you are or even more. The guilt of being the one to break it off probably makes it worse. He wonders if he's done the right thing.

 

The thing is, he isn't showing his pain because he is trying to move on. You aren't showing all of your pain either and if you are, stop.

[Nearwater]

"The thing is, he isn't showing his pain because he is trying to move on. You aren't showing all of your pain either and if you are, stop"

 

What do you mean exactly, showing it to her? ( is was my GF that dumped me)

 

How long will it take for that guilt of crushing someone and trashing a relationship to come through?

[very lonely]

i have tried "to bottle it up"........all is does is make me explode and say things that shouldn't be said, drink too much and be entirely too angry. that is why i am here, to let it all out and talk to people that understand.

 

i greatly appreciate every one on here. without you i would be a total wreck and probably in my grave by now.

[Ashsun87]

I think a lot of these questions will go unanswered, they have for me.

 

I actually made a post with the same thread title, so I know how you're feeling.

 

It has been about 3 and a half months for me, and it has gotten easier, but there are still days, like today, where I'll breakdown for no apparent reason.

 

The focusing on what the ex may be doing... yeah that's horrible for me. I'll actually look at the clock and just imagine what she could be up to right now. If it's around 6 I'll know she just got off work and is prolly hanging out with her new man, or if its around 12 i'll know shes getting ready for bed. Yes, I feel like a stalker sometimes in my own mind.

 

I know exactly what you mean when you say it makes you feel like you didn't matter, but I don't think that's true. Hell yeah it FEELS that way, but I know you can think back to a time you were both together, and you both knew that you were truly in love. You DID matter, but something changed. I can't tell you what, or why, but it happened. It happened with me too, and it's so heartbreaking to know that they don't feel the same way anymore.

 

I feel like an idiot too for even thinking about my ex. She's out having the time of her life, and im sitting here on the computer rambling about how I can't function without her. Real attractive right? It really sucks, but also we are assuming that they are having a great time. It doesn't matter in the end what the heck they are doing, because we need to be focused on ourselves.

 

I can tell you from experience that I've had one ex that had it hit them later. She broke up with me for basically no reason, found a new guy soon after. They dated for 1.5 years, he broke up with her. She got in contact with me and said she had made a mistake, yadda yadda, that I was such a great guy, all that good stuff. The things you typically think you want to hear. The thing is ...when you want to hear it, you probably aren't ready to hear it... and when she came back, I was honestly surprised. I was surprised, but at the same time I no longer wanted her back. It's funny how things work.

 

I look at it this way too... My ex probably thinks I took the breakup great, because Ive made the perception that my life is amazing, everything is looking up, the whole 9 yards... but the reality is that my heart was shattered into 500 million pieces and I cried myself to sleep the first month. She'll never know.

 

The more you try not to focus on it, the more you probably will. You have to go through the pain, the thoughts, in order to truly let go.

 

I wish I could give you an answer on how its so easy for ex's to let go, but it could be plenty of things. I typically hear that when we get dumped, our dumpers have been planning in weeks/months in advance, and they have already braced themselves/found someone else in order to fill that place in their life. I guess thats why they call them rebounds...

 

It will get better.

[Cognitive_Canine]

"The thing is, he isn't showing his pain because he is trying to move on. You aren't showing all of your pain either and if you are, stop"

 

What do you mean exactly, showing it to her? ( is was my GF that dumped me)

 

How long will it take for that guilt of crushing someone and trashing a relationship to come through?

 

well, the other person won't show you all their tears or let you know of every healing setback. You are only aware of your own. But you better believe that they are having as hard a time as you are. Unless they are a complete sociopath (and if you loved them and dated them Long term, I doubt it), of course they are hurting.

 

What you have to do is go NC and worry about yourself. Don't even let yourself think about them. As soon as the thoughts come, go do something, ANYTHING. Pretty soon the thoughts will come less.

 

As for the guilt, it comes before they even initiate the breakup. Even thinking about throwing away all the work probably makes the person cry.

[zhenka]

I know how you feel right now. I am going through the same and it sucks....But all you can do is think about yourself, about how you feel not how he feels. Try to get rid off everything that reminds you of him. From my past experience I know that it does hit them down the road. I think when they realize that you have moved on then it hits them. My ex husband kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night 3 years ago and filed for divorce a week later. Then after 6 months came back bagging me and crying. I didn't want him then. I had moved on but first I went through hell.

 

Do you want him back? Let him go, if he comes back then he is yours forever. Get an inspirational book that helps sometimes.

[BrokenDuc]

i believe they are hurting too, maybe not to the same extent as the dumpee but im sure there is still some heart ache there.

there will definitely also be guilt.

for our exes they move on quickly to a new relationship as it is their medicine and it makes them feel better... until the honeymoon period ends that is.

[prettyhate]

i think this too over and over and its some days i am ok others i am a wreck and i feel like i slide backwards

but can i suggest a sight that has been helping me

if you go to google

getting past your past - is what is is called and it addresses all these things

basically it doesnt matter it doesnt matter at all

because they are living their life and we have to TRY live ours

i am trying but i am not doing so well

however as much reading as i do i never feel like im moving forward not even one step forward but that site is helping me

[Leezon]

I think that if you poured your heart and sole into them and when you break up they move on so quickly.. it obviously means that their heart wasnt in it and they were not worth the love from you

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually, the 'uncoupling' process isn't just about the breakup. Usually one person starts getting discontented about something in the relationship, and may try to work on it for a while, but at some point they decide they just don't want to put the effort in anymore and they start thinking about leaving rather than staying. So the emotional distancing begins while still in the relationship, and they take time preparing themselves to leave, while they are still in the relationship.

 

So they do a lot of the mental work of a breakup BEFORE they leave (i.e., thinking about their alternatives, starting to look at other people, thinking about what they would do if they weren't in the relationship anymore, making plans to get the emotional/financial support they want/need when they leave, thinking about when and how to break up rather than work on things).

 

So they have been preparing to leave for a long time, but just haven't clued you in to that fact. So it feels very sudden and shocking to you, but they are just making the final break in a departure that really started a long time ago in their own minids.

 

They in essense have the luxury of getting over you while they are still with you, and making plans for a new life waiting for them when they step out of the relationship with you... they've already set up activities, people, and situations to support themselves when they leave, so they are stepping into a new life they want and have prepared for themselves before they left, while you are just thrown out in the cold so to speak because you had no clue it was coming and no time to prepare.

 

I'm sorry it is so painful to you, but you too will go thru these stages of letting go, but unfortunately are forced to do so against your will, and sooner than you are ready to let go.

 

It also doesn't mean they never loved you, or that you didn't mean anything to them, but at some point they made the conscious choice to leave rather than to work on the relationship.

 

There is a very good book on how this uncoupling process happens called 'Uncoupling" by Diane Vaughn if you want to read more about how this happens:

 

link removed

[GottaLetItBurn]

I know that feeling of being dumped by someone you thought cared, they just move on to the next person. The worst part is when they try to be your "friend" like friends would do that to you. I can tell you even almost 3 years later I'm still hurting, but mostly because not to long ago I hung out with this same girl. I just try to ignore her now and I act like I don't care at all because I know she is just going to try and keep me only as a friend.

 

Really you can't think about what they are doing, they are choosing to not be around with you and that is their choice. If they go off and be happy than I guess that's good because you loved them and love isn't about being selfish, sometimes you just gave too much. If they never find happiness than they will never be satisfied. A person that loves you will love you no matter what and want to be with you all the time, you shouldn't have to change for them. Just be yourself and it's something you can't control.

 

They aren't living some great life like you think they are either, your just sad right now so you believe that, just like you think you can't live with out them. You did live with out him before, and you can do the same after he is gone. I can't tell you how much I know how you're feeling, and it does get better. You will feel better again. You may even have an easier time than me, hopefully.

[HNR]

Let It Burn, actually, it is worse when they DON"t want to be your friend - when they cut you out of their life and never speak to you again. Talk about feeling disposable. It was not even a hostile breakup - he left me for someone else - and then never spoke to me again.

 

I'm no expert on the thoughts of male ex's but there is an interesting theory that this paid, so-called 'relationship expert' offers in this link (8th post down the thread):

 

link removed

 

 

Basically she says that in her time reuniting couples, she really has her work cut out if the guy just wants to be friends. She says:

 

 

"Many things are said and done when there is relationship troubles or a break up. Men say stupid things as a way of coping with the situation. They are not emotional creatures.....Women are. Men seem cold.....but it is just the way they cope with the emotional stuff.... ignore it....pretend it is nothing.....suck it up like it or you doesn't matter.

 

When you get what they are actually doing.....you will understand that it is not cold....it is coping.

 

From what I do.....I am more concerned about a guy who wants to be your best friend and not involved anymore.....when a man refuses to be your friend or have anything to do with you......that is because he can't deal with being your friend.....he is too attracted to you......and likely still in love with you.

 

Most women seem doom and gloom of the man who will not be their friend or speak to them......when actually it is the opposite. He can't see you because of his attraction and love he feels.......for whatever reason he thinks the relationship will not work. That is all fixable stuff.

 

The man who wants to be your best friend when you break up......is a man who doesn't feel for you."

[nelz]

I find myself asking the same bloody question every single day, all the time.

 

In my case, I feel that my ex has the ability to move on easier than me because the whole break-up was his call. It was his choice, not mine, so I guess it had been coming for a while. Yeh we did have arguments, but I was so so so willing to work on things and really wanted to for us to attempt to salvage our 3 year relationship.

 

I recently read about being socially isolated or a social networker. Unfortunately, I am the former and my ex is the latter. He has a few groups of friends, work, college, sports, whereas I have lost contact with all old friends, and recent new ones I ever made could only really be called acquaintances. They aren't really bothered about me. So that means I have so much more time on my hands, missing, thinking of my ex. Wishing things had been different, whilst he is out enjoying life now. It's a really sad thing really. I know he is out laughing, smiling and probably flirting, but I'm bored and alone waiting for my mum to come home from work for a bit of company.

 

This has truly been the most difficult, heart-rendering time in my life. I never realised having your heart broken could feel like you're dying inside, because that's how I feel.

[HNR]

Nelz,

 

That's why you have to get out there NOW and start networking.

 

Go on to sites like gumtree to find friends, hobbies, activities in your area. You can meet new people and develop new friendships. These new friendships may take a while to grow and have depth to them, but whilst that happens being out and about will take your mind of your ex.

 

My mum, who I was never particularly close to, came up trumps for me by giving me the best single piece of advice. She said, "...keep busy. Don't allow yourself time to stop to think. Then one day, you won't even 'think' any more."

 

Don't delay - don't waste anymore time. Start getting on to these types of sites and sign up to things NOW! It's sooo important.

[nelz]

I know HNR, you are completely right.

 

Checked out gumtree, and there aren't really any people my age on there in my are

 

It annoys me, and it's not fair. My ex is no better or nicer a person than me, I'd say we are equal, yet he has all these people he can rely on. And I have noone. He never used to make much of an effort, so I think he was just sort of lucky that the people he knew all made the effort for him, organised things etc etc.

 

I just feel really sad knowing he is out having a nice time without me, I wish he wanted to have a nice time with me still Feeling very sorry for myself.

 

Was talking to my mum last night, and we couldn't work out why I don't have many friends either (or any close ones). I almost feel like I'm too old to make friends now. The people from my old schools are mainly still friends with the same circle, I've missed out on that.

[Leezon]

nelz, im in exactly the same position. I dont have any close friends either.. and im constantly thinking about what a great time my ex is probably having, but then again we could be completely wrong.

 

Even so it doesnt matter what they are doing, just stay away from his facebook/myspace then you have no way of knowing what hes doing and thats a good thing!

[LifesontheUp]

He is probably way ahead of you in the process. He has probably been distancing himself from you emotionally for a while and thinking and planning about you being apart. So..........when it does happen, he's gone through the stages and has already disconnected. You unfortunately are left reeling and at the start of the whole thing.

 

Sorry you are going through this, its not easy but does get better.

[anggrace]

I think when dumpers gave it their best shot, gave it everything they had, and feel certain that they did the right thing, it it easier for them to move on. It doesn't mean they don't care or think about you though.

[HNR]

Nelz, please don't give up.

 

It's never too late to make new, long lasting friendships. I guess I was lucky: after a lot of googling, met some people on a social forum (who advertised their website on gumtree) who I go out with a few times a week, who have taken me under their wing and won't allow me to sit in feeling sorry for myself - and I am twice your age. They are actually 40 miles away, but I am thinking of moving to their area so I can do more midweek things.

 

I know that these friendships I've made are new, but they have the potential to flourish as I have found people that I have a lot in common with, in regards to gigs, films, clubs etc.

 

It would be a good idea if you could find people that you share common interests with. If you are interested in running, keeping fit etc - try googling these activities - with the name of your area - to see what comes up. I found my local area had a cinema club which meets regularly to watch films and then going for something to eat afterwards, for example.

 

It may take time (it took me months) but do carry out some research - it will be worth the leg work

 

Try and formulate some kinda of weekly schedule so that you are always busy. Don't allow yourself time to 'think'.

 

I've been where you are and, God knows, I felt suicidal. I moved to the other side of the country to be with me ex and I knew no one here other than him, his family and his friends. You must try and create a life for yourself. Please try. It will be worth it.

 

Post on here when you feel the need to, but above all try and stay positive. You are young, things will get better - trust me