livinginsbi Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 On April 29 of this year, I told my husband for the third and final time that we are over. We were to separate right after Christmas, but I felt sorry for him because he needed surgery and told him to stay.. there was no one else to take care of him post op. It was evident in March that things were not going to change between us, but I still tried for a little over a month, but my heart was not in it. For the separation that was to take place last December, we had everything planned out (he was moving out, who was paying what bills, etc.) and we agreed in April to honor this initial agreement. Problem is he won't stay away. This past weekend (I work 12 hour night shifts) he stayed here all weekend! I just don't know how to get through to him. We have been to two counselling sessions and both times the counselor told him that it was clear I didn't want to continue the marriage. The counselor offered his assistance to my husband on an individual basis, to help him through it, but he hasn't gone yet and I don't think he will. I even been somewhat mean to him lately so he won't want to come over... I hate doing that, but not sure what else to do and it's not working! Advice, suggestions, experiences - any would help! Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Change the locks. Tell him he isn't welcome to just drop by any more. Make a big step. Link to comment
Aschleigh Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If you still let him come over, he is reasonable to think you want him there. Change the locks. Don't answer his calls. Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If his name is on the lease/mortgage I don't think changing the locks will do any good, as legally he has a right to stay in his home. Is he harassing you? I know in the papers my attorney gave me there is a clause which states that neither can molest or harass the peaceful living of the other. Link to comment
livinginsbi Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Yes, we are both on the mortgage, so he has just as much legal right to be here as I. It's not a matter of me 'letting' him come over... he just does. He knows that I don't want him here, but he uses any excuse he can to be here. He wants to see our boys (btw, they are both over 18, but live here) or he wants to see the dogs, or he wants to work on the fence project (he agreed to finish). I'm beginning feel my only option is to move out and find my own place. I can afford to do that, but that means he will be solely financially responsible (by practicality) for this house, as well as a myriad of other bills as well. If I move out, I will be able to afford only my expenses, however, legally, I am responsible for all the other bills. I've explained this reasoning and he says he understands as to 'why' this is the better way, but won't stay away. Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Can you work out an agreement that when he wants to see his kids they can arrange to meet outside of the home? Can he work on the fence when you're away? Sounds like he'll make any excuse to come over, probably because he's hurting and wants any kind of connection or wants to be validated and feel needed. When he is around do you give him attention, negative or positive? When my stbx was in the house, I had to completely ignore him for my own sanity. I finally asked him to leave, which he did. He also wanted to come back and clean the backyard up, fix the swamp cooler, etc. I told mine point blank thank you, but we don't need your help. Luckily he stayed away. I really don't know what you can do at this point, besides trying to give him the cold shoulder and hope that gets through. Sorry. Link to comment
AbsentMaverick Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Why doesn't he get it... The answer is simple: On April 29 of this year, I told my husband for the third and final time that we are over. We were to separate right after Christmas, but I felt sorry for him because he needed surgery and told him to stay.. there was no one else to take care of him post op. It was evident in March that things were not going to change between us, but I still tried for a little over a month, but my heart was not in it. I even been somewhat mean to him lately so he won't want to come over... I hate doing that, but not sure what else to do and it's not working! Advice, suggestions, experiences - any would help! Sounds like you need a little thing called assertion -- kick him out and stop complaining. No one on this forum can help you when you can only help yourself. Link to comment
livinginsbi Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Thanks Mish – I was trying to be decent toward him, but lately I have been giving him the negative attention. I guess I will just ignore him, perhaps he would rather get the negative attention, than none at all, kind of like a kid who misbehaves so the parent will at least acknowledge him? I know he is hurting and I really do hate seeing that. I wish he would get some help to deal with this. Absent – I understand why you have the opinion you do. I am assertive, but I am also ending a 15 year relationship, so , no, it’s not really all that easy. The vows of our marriage I take very seriously and that is why I’ve tried for the past 3 years to work it out. I think our relationship deserved a few chances as opposed to just booting him out… I’m not as cold hearted as that. I don’t feel that I’m complaining, just wanting to insight as to how to get him to understand it’s over…and yes someone on the forum has helped me already and yes I do help myself as well. Link to comment
Mishmash Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I understand why you have the opinion you do. I am assertive, but I am also ending a 15 year relationship, so , no, it’s not really all that easy. The vows of our marriage I take very seriously and that is why I’ve tried for the past 3 years to work it out. I think our relationship deserved a few chances as opposed to just booting him out… I’m not as cold hearted as that. I don’t feel that I’m complaining, just wanting to insight as to how to get him to understand it’s over…and yes someone on the forum has helped me already and yes I do help myself as well. It's not easy ending a relationship with someone you invested your life with. I understand your view about giving the marriage second chances. You were completely devoted to the union, so it's to be expected that you would try. If you didn't then more than likely you would have looked back and regretted it. Hopefully you can take some comfort knowing you did all you could to save the marriage. As far as your stbx goes, I think the realization is going to have to come from him. Just be aware of your actions/words around him and don't give him any false hope. The person still wanting the relationship will grab hold of anything and misinterpret the meaning. Good luck to you... Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Have you consulted an attorney? You can sometimes get orders for him to live elsewhere, or for you to move out and still preserve your financial interest in the house. For some people the divorce is not real until they are served with the divorce papers, or an attorney calls. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Do you have a separation agreement? If so it should have spelled out who would stay in the house and who would move out. If you don't it is time to get one you both will be held to. Treating him like crap will make you feel bad and is no real solution. Being assertive with nothing legal to back it up just causes problems and fights, police get called...... My stbx must call before she comes over, knocks on the door and waits to be let in at my request. We still own the house together for now but this is where I live and I asked her to respect that and my privacy. So far so good. Time for legal advice I'm afraid. good luck and let us know what happens lost Link to comment
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