You Can Be Crap at NC and Still Tempt Them Back

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not sure why you need advice...you seemed to go for the "go for it, you are "the man"" advice of many of the posters on this thread..the ones who told you what would ultimately happen, you discounted...and of course, it did indeed happen and you are miserable and confused. It is interesting that you are not actually making any decisions for yourself...you are leaving it up to these two women to determine your future. X is running off to meet her ex and see what happens there, while at the same time encouraging you.....M finally had enough of the set-up and wanted to halt things. So you had your play with two women, thinking you are so in control..but you have actually left the control to these two women. Your future seems to be dependent on what X tells you...and M is right, she is playing second fiddle. There was another post in here where you mentioned something which led me to believe that you might be in your forties...which rather shocked me because from what you are doing I thought you were only in your twenties. Personally I think you should stay away from both these women and work on yourself. This whole thing about X going away so now you have time to spend with M, reminds me of an Archie cartoon where Betty and Veronica were in a contest...Betty was the better of the two but Veronica pulled the seduction card and won over the judges so she won the contest and won the trip to wherever. She was gloating to Betty and Betty's response was that she didn't care because while Veronica would be on her trip, Betty would have Archie all to herself. Veronica was no longer happy and gloating. So, this was a fictional story about teenagers. Your parallel story is real with people who are well into adulthood. I know I will get slammed by some people for writing this "negative" post and being such a "Debbie Downer" and I realize you will do whatever and continue this triangle until one of those other two women makes a decision for you but I think it is sad that it has to be this way.

[Ellie2006]

Weird update:

 

I'm just very confused now.

 

Ditto what CAD said above.

 

I think it's only "weird" and "confusing" for you.

Did you really think that M would jump up and down for joy when you told her "X is finally gone; now you can have me all to yourself"?

 

Get real.

[ycmanvs]

That is why they say that you should not start a new relationship before you are over the ex, and have resolved your feelings for ex, have mourned that relationship and have closure.

Of course, this is real life and things are not that simple and you are keeping your options open and hoping for the best. You have been as honest as you could be and M has made a choice for herself. X seems much more ambivalent, so she is keeping you hanging.

What do you do?

You can do nothing and just let things unfold and see which one is still around a month from now, or you could take a break and be by yourself and see how you feel in a month.

Or, you could make a decision once and for all and either wait for X...or give up on X and really invest yourself in a relationship with M.

There are no guarantees in life and love, so there is no way of knowing if things will work out with either of these women.

[CrapAtNC]

Hi, CAD.

 

I'm sorry, but I have to say it: You keep insisting on trying to make this out to be something that YOU think it would be. No one is miserable. M is already sending messages that she misses me and we'll be hanging out. We've been joking a lot today. X's best friend is telling me to wait for her. All is good, I just don't know whether to take the safe bet right now or wait for the chance of a better X. X is being sweeter than ever.

 

Others see what I'm happy about: that my ex has come back and is more loving. But you keep making it out to be some kind of macho thing ... it's really not, and I wonder why you keep injecting that into it.

 

We all agreed this couldn't go on as it was, and it ended nicely. Now I just have to decide my next move.

 

My heart tells me to wait for X, as her friend says, to see if she's capable of leaving her ex in the past ... but that would mean putting M in the same position I've been in, as she'll be waiting for me to see if I have a chance with or can finally get over my ex ... and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

 

I'm happy just to ride it out for a couple of weeks and see ... just date M as a friend for now, to be fairer to everyone ...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, if everyone is hunky dory in this triangle, who am I to say. Your posts actually constantly contradict each other as to the dynamics and what is going on so I am not sure what the real story is. All this "honesty" is interesting. I also think that M is clearly more invested and that you are indeed causing her pain despite your "honesty". She misses you and it is clear she has lots more emotion invested. The dance you are doing with X is exactly the same dance M is doing with you...but if everyone is happy doing that dance, who am I to say. I don't think anyone is as happy as they claim...I think there is major denial going on here because everyone is caught up in all of this and wants what they want...sometimes when people desperately want something, they don't see things for what they really are. But hey, if I am imagining all of this turmoil and everyone is really pleased as punch and over the moon with this setup, then go for it....and enjoy this amazing opportunity of a lifetime.

[deang]

things are working out like they should...don't worry and be strong CrapatNC. Don't listen to the want to be Dr Phil's on here. Some people are so invested in their advice that they can't see the forest for the trees. Guess they need something to hold on to that replaces their obsession with their ex's.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with........

[ycmanvs]

It will work itself out eventually. Try to relax and see what happens.

[spazmy]

Emotions are tough -- and of course when we are in the middle of it, it is sometimes impossible to know of what we are doing. Which is why, when we breakup, we have the time to think of a lot of different ways in which things pan out and how our emotional states take control of us. And that thinking which we do is useful when we get caught up again in emotions. So while there is a large part of us that wants to mesh around and is caught up with the flow -- a small part of us also thinks rationally and reminds us how we can get carried away and are being carried away.

 

Really, nobody is trying to be Dr. Phil here. We are all human and we make mistakes all the time. The only thing that is valuable is how we learn from them and try and not make them again, or at least stay reflective. The purpose of this forum is to share those mistakes of ours and also our pain and our happiness. If others can get some insights into their lives from our experiences, then I think it is only a good thing.

 

Which is why nobody is trying to say what CrapatNC is doing is wrong or anything like that. It is really his choice. And yes, he is trying to be honest about it and that is also helpful. I mean if he did not have our perspective or did not write about what he is doing, he would never have forced himself to think. So yes, he is doing the healthy thing in that sense.

 

But what CAD says is also right. While love is messy and oftentimes it causes confusion all round -- as responsible adults, sometimes we do need to step back and reflect on the pain we are causing others.

 

There is nothing to stop neither X nor M to do what CrapatNC is doing to them, to others. We are all connected in that sense. What happens here, also goes around. Are we willing to welcome that kind of pain in our lives? Perhaps we should. Perhaps we should not. I guess I do not have any definite answers. But what I can say is that we can try and excercise greater control over ourselves in spite of what we feel. Sometimes it is good to go with the flow. At other times, it is not.

 

At any rate, there are at least four people involved in this situation from what I make of it at this time. But before this life is done, there will be many many more who will be affected -- the pain at least two people will carry from this situation will enter into other relationships at a later stage. CrapatNC, without wishing to sound like a school teacher, I want to say that you can be responsible.

 

If you see things through into the distant future, if you see who is affected, how they are affected and in what way, then the path will be clear to you.

 

Moreover, if you love one person, more than anything else, then perhaps it is the right thing to do to go ahead and chose to pursue them. Only then can actions be justified -- if one sees one's ultimate happiness and the other's happiness with oneself. The pain of the present is justifiable in that sense. Anything short of that, is not worth getting into -- so really, in my meager opinion, if you think carefully about it CrapatNC, the way ahead will be fairly clear to you. Just think for a while -- maybe a few days. All the answers ought to be right in front of you.

[CrapAtNC]

OK, I do listen.

 

Just to clarify again: M did all the chasing and accepted the situation knowing everything about it. X would never have come back if I hadn't already been seeing M. Both accepted the situation at first (I actually asked both if they'd prefer exclusivity and they both said no.)

 

Anyway, M and I are seeing each other only as friends, and it's very nice. It gives me time to see how I really feel about her.

 

X is away and I've not heard much from her. She's staying at her ex's, or a friend of his, and, as much as that hurts me, I'm accepting of it, as it was my idea anyway, as a way for all of us to finally move on and for my ex to get her heart back and be happy and loving again. I accept that there's a good chance I may not be the beneficiary of that.

 

I'm missing her like crazy but not hassling her while she's where she is - that would be the wrong thing to do.

 

I could carry on with M, or with one of the others who's interested, but I've decided that I should just focus on my work until X gets back. Do you think that's the right thing to do? She finally let her guard down when she realised she might lose me to someone else; should I show that that's still a possibility, or should I be available for her when she gets back?

 

It's only a few weeks; I can handle being alone for a few weeks. I guess it's better for me and M anyway, as, if I do move on with her, it should be for the right reasons, and not as some kind of safety net for me.

 

All is good still. I'm just missing my ex and wondering how things are panning out over there. It's scary, but I'm very much looking forward to the closure that I hope this brings ... and the opportunity for both of us to healthily move forward, hopefully together, but who knows?

 

Cheers!

 

 

Crap

[deang]

I like where you are at...you seem not happy but ok with it which is all that could be asked in the circumstances. I feel you will be sad if the outcome isn't what you hope but you will be ok and that's what counts in my book. I would use this time to keep busy and keep dating. Maybe you can hold off on getting sexual but unless you and the ex have promised each other something then dating won't be a big deal. You are living your life and she is living hers.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really don't understand why you would pine and wait for someone who is spending several weeks visiting her ex boyfriend for whom she is still carrying a torch and is probably sleeping and having sex with while she is there. She may have made goo goo eyes at you simply because M was in your life but in the end she chose to spend time with her other ex. So if she wants to come back and pick up where you left off, how will you know that she made that choice because she actually really cares about you, or if it is because her ex decided he didn't want to get back together with her so she figures having you as runner-up boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend. If she REALLY wanted to be with you heart and soul, she would never have gone down to see her boyfriend. So if you are okay being second choice, it is your life...but my opinion is that you should be single for a while, not date and spend the time thinking about why you would settle for being someone's backup plan.

[CrapAtNC]

Hi, CAD.

 

Did you know you have a tendency to exaggerate?

 

It was MY choice to send her to see her ex. It's called maturity. It's called understanding. And it's called closure, for all of us.

 

You've been talking for a while now about all the upset in this situation, but it seems that, of all of us, the only one who's really reacted badly to the whole set-up is you!

 

Let's just see what happens.

 

I had a nice dinner with M tonight and I'm now sitting on her bed watching her work on her computer. All friendly. All smiles. All nice.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

 

Crap

[ycmanvs]

Hi, CAD.

 

Did you know you have a tendency to exaggerate?

 

It was MY choice to send her to see her ex. It's called maturity. It's called understanding. And it's called closure, for all of us.

 

You've been talking for a while now about all the upset in this situation, but it seems that, of all of us, the only one who's really reacted badly to the whole set-up is you!

 

Let's just see what happens.

 

I had a nice dinner with M tonight and I'm now sitting on her bed watching her work on her computer. All friendly. All smiles. All nice.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

 

Crap

 

I think your decision to just be friends with M for now is a very mature one. You do care about her feelings and you are making an effort to figure things out.

You have no idea what will happen with X, but you are willing to wait and see.

There is no right or wrong way here. Do what is best for you. As long as you are honest with your feelings, you are doing your best to deal with the situation.

[CrapAtNC]

I like where you are at...you seem not happy but ok with it which is all that could be asked in the circumstances. I feel you will be sad if the outcome isn't what you hope but you will be ok and that's what counts in my book. I would use this time to keep busy and keep dating. Maybe you can hold off on getting sexual but unless you and the ex have promised each other something then dating won't be a big deal. You are living your life and she is living hers.

 

Thanks, mate.

 

Yeah, I'll still date, but in the British sense, or at least as I understand it (just go out on dates; no hanky panky for now).

 

ycmanvs, thanks for seeing it that way; that's pretty much the way I look at it, too.

 

Cheers, all!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hi, CAD.

 

Did you know you have a tendency to exaggerate?

 

It was MY choice to send her to see her ex. It's called maturity. It's called understanding. And it's called closure, for all of us.

 

You've been talking for a while now about all the upset in this situation, but it seems that, of all of us, the only one who's really reacted badly to the whole set-up is you!

 

Let's just see what happens.

 

I had a nice dinner with M tonight and I'm now sitting on her bed watching her work on her computer. All friendly. All smiles. All nice.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

 

Crap

 

 

So YOU made the choice...she had no free will in this...she said to herself "Hey Crap is real cool about this...he is pushing me into the arms of my X...what fun, I can go have a nice vacation with my x, have some fun and frolic with him, make mad passionate love with him and then come back to Crap and tell him I have had my closure...until next time that is". I must say, that is incredibly noble of you to do...I guess it doesn't matter because you have your side dish as well...okay maybe you are not having sex with her anymore...but you are certainly not "just friends"...it goes much deeper. Sounds to me like everyone is hedging their bets...everyone in this setup seems to have a backup plan...yep, I agree, that is very mature.

 

Perhaps I am the only one who has "reacted badly"...maybe because I am outside of the situation and see it for what is really is...you are so enmeshed in this multiple triangle situation that you see this as normal...well, maybe this is normal in your circle...certainly most people I know of wouldn't be that easy going about this kind of multiple triangle set up. As for the other posters who give you the thumbs up and think this is a marvellous situation...well, I couldn't care less what they think...you are posting hear and I can post my opinion regardless of what others think. Another stupid of the wall, paranoid idea I have is to make sure you use protection when you have sex with X after she comes back from her trip, and to get yourself tested for STDs after you have sex with her.

[CrapAtNC]

CAD, I think we need to break up. It's not you; it's me. OK?

[ycmanvs]

CAD, I think we need to break up. It's not you; it's me. OK?

 

Ok, that is funny.

I do see both points of view, but relationships and life are very fluid, so we cannot determine what is best for you.

It is hard to have feelings for X and for M. I think there are many people in your situation. I think most single people I know are in similar situations.

Unless there is a clean break, there will always be feelings involved. If two people happen to be available at the same time and fully vested in a relationship, then things will work out.

It is ok to wait and see what develops.

M is choosing to stay in touch with you. You are not forcing her to hang out with you.

If X comes back and wants to be only with you, then you will have to make a decision.

[chocolate-cake]

pathetic that people are congratualting sleeping with 2 women on one day and that getting an ex back interested even though she is still interested in someone else is something to aspire to??? If a woman posted this men would be saying she is a player/skank/mentally unstable.

[CrapAtNC]

pathetic that people are congratualting sleeping with 2 women on one day and that getting an ex back interested even though she is still interested in someone else is something to aspire to??? If a woman posted this men would be saying she is a player/skank/mentally unstable.

 

I guess that's how a blonde from Essex might see it, but, from where I'm standing, people are congratulating me for being in a good place emotionally and finally getting my ex to open up to me more and be more affectionate and loving (we never actually had intercourse this time around; we did, however, make beautiful love - ask someone from a different county to explain the difference. )

 

Some of you seem really unheathily obsessed with sex! Get over yourselves!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not just about the sex...it is about the intimacy shared..both emotional and physical..the cuddling, kissing, touching, sharing, holding each other and the emtional entanglement. Having or not having vaginal penetration is actually minor compared to all the other intimacies going on here in the multiple triangles.

[deang]

I totally agree...Crapatnc and Crazy need to break up...this relationship is draining me and I'm just a bystander.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, I'm having some lovely friendly dates with M, and not missing X so much right now, but that's probably because I have a lot of other stuff going on right now, what with work and moving.

 

X's close friend tells me that nothing is going on with her ex, and that she's just enjoying hanging out with him. It seems she's reluctant to mention why she went to see him ... who knows why? I've not heard much from her, though we do have brief chats via MSN but only very light and brief conversation, because I have to be careful not to look any more needy or clingy than her ex.

 

Anyway, keeping busy (not in that way, you naughty-minded people!) and focusing on other things.

 

The weather's beautiful, good things are happening at home and at work, and I feel a bright future whatever happens.

 

I am missing CAD a little bit though ... maybe I'm just a sucker for abusive relationships.

 

Have a great day, all!

 

 

Crap

[Crazyaboutdogs]

^^^^ Aw schucks was just thinking how much I was missing Crap

Glad to hear things have toned down a few notches. Also glad to hear things are going well in other aspects of your life.

 

Your comment about the bright future brought an old 1980's song to my head..the one from Timbuk 3: "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"

 

I study nuclear science

I love my classes

I got a crazy teacher, he wears dark glasses

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades,

I gotta wear shades

 

I've got a job waiting for my graduation

Fifty thou a year -- buys a lot of beer

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

I gotta wear shades

 

Well I'm heavenly blessed and worldly wise

I'm a peeping-tom techie with x-ray eyes

Things are going great, and they're only getting better

I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

I gotta wear shades

[deang]

glad to hear about the update crap...sounds like you are in a very good place. I wish I was you...I'm thinking my rebound status makes it near impossible for me to get back or to even know if what we shared had any reality to it..I think she felt it was real at the time then poof gone seeya. oh well..someone is doing well and I plan to join you soon on the reformed broken-heart badwangon!