CrapAtNC Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Well, she's back. We split for about a year but stayed in touch (see my username). I even went away to another continent for three months to prevent any contact, but I failed miserably. ](*,) When I came back, my ex (we'll call her "X") was more friendly and a lot more open. Why? Because I had changed. I was no longer needy, was far more relaxed, and I'd had some fun, so wasn't so desperate. I behaved very nonchalantly. So much so, that I attracted far more women than I'd ever done before. I had several lovely women asking to be my girlfriend, and one particularly beautiful lady (we'll call her "M") chase me constantly, despite being one of the most sought-after women I know. My time for myself, to find myself again and get over my neediness, has clearly had a huge impact on my happiness and my love life. I'm more popular than ever ... and no one's more surprised than I am. I'm skinny, out of shape, looking tired, and broke. Yet I'm fighting them off. I had a little bit of fun for a while but eventually let M win me over, and we've been having a very fun, loving, affectionate, beautiful relationship. X found out, and her behaviour immediately went from pulling away to actually making herself completely available to me. We started hanging out and having fun. Soon after getting intimate with M, she told me that we couldn't be bf and gf because there was another guy she had promise herself too. Maybe it was a game, but I didn't care. It meant I was free to explore my relationship with X a little more. I told her that we had to stop. As is so often the case, X made her move within hours of me getting intimate and wanting to move on with M. As soon as I'd decided I could move on, she came back. So, one night after making love to M and the same day I called it a day with her, I was in bed making beautiful love to X. She knew I was already intimate with M. It didn't put her off; it made her want me more. But then, the next morning, X finally admitted she was still in love with her ex (she has learned to be very open and honest with me, which is an incredibly welcome change). She said we couldn't be together. Then M started texting me and saying she missed me already, and was cooking me a special dinner ... And so it's been going on for the past four or five days. M is very loving, giving me all I've ever wanted. She buys me dinner and chocolates (nice change for me! and is loving and caring. She knows I see X. X knows I'm with M and it just makes her try harder. She's being more affectionate and is basically telling me what I always knew: she needs to go see her ex to get closure so that she could finally move on and close the door on her past. And I'm willing to let that happen; I have no future with her until she has let go of the past. If that seems like I'm being too much of a wuss, think again. I'm man enough to accept this. We agree we are perfect for each other if she can just move on from her past. I have nothing to lose. It actually doesn't hurt at all, as I'm looking forward to breaking the destructive pattern that has been ruining my life for the last two years. I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out, but having my ex hug me to sleep last night and make beautiful love with me this morning and others is something that I thought I'd never experience again. I can accept whatever happens happily - really. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is finally in view. My battery's dying, so I'll have to end it here for now. But I'm happy. A little confused. A little nervous and a little excited. I see very happy days ahead, either with or without my ex, or even M. I knew she'd come back. I just never imagined it would be under such circumstances. After two years of hatred, lack of affection, and abuse, I'm finally enjoying an open, honest, loving relationship with my ex, and it's getting better every day. Stay tuned, though ... let's see how it goes. Cheers! Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 great post! glad things are working out for you....keep us posted Link to comment
bepositive Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 You're giving me a warm, happy feeling, CatNC! Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 had to write more...I think the key is your mindset...you are ok with what happens even if things don't work out like you hope. You know that you will be ok and these women see that you don't need them but you might choose one of them and aren't afraid of being your own person. I think this is what everyone should strive for. You just might have another shot with your ex if you can get your confidence back and feel like you would like to be with them but don't have to be with them. Once someone can do that they can't lose and their ex's will see that and will let their guard down. Use the strategies on here to make yourself better, less needy and the skies the limit! Crapatnc's post just made my day because it is my plan. I think about what she does but I am working on me and making my life better then when she is not something I need then I can be myself and see if she really is worth trying something with again. I strongly believe that this is the right way to go. Get yourself right first! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 This works with guys, too. If you don't want or need them, there they are, with their tongues hanging out. Reverse psychology, works every time. Link to comment
ieatglue Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 That is awesome news, crap. Congratulations. I wish you and your new found situation the very best, and I hope you get what it is you want, whichever way YOU choose. Your rules now. I guess the future can surprise even the most jaded, huh? ~ Link to comment
rapunzel Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Hey Crap! Good work, sounds like you have your head on straight about all of this! You are in the driver's seat now - you know you'll be OK no matter what, with or without any of these women, and that's where your real power lies! I took your nonchalance advice and put it to work....and I wasn't going to post about this because I didn't want to jinx it....but in the last few weeks I've been hanging out with my ex. It's going slowly but so far his actions (and his words, but I'm paying attention to actions) are encouraging. And yep, same story....HIS ex has finally moved on and he's recovering from THAT. They were together for 4 years or so, he would not commit, now she's gone for good and he's realizing what he lost. He was honest with me about this so I'm keeping him at arm's length (as he had done with me) and I'm letting HIM make all the moves. And the funny thing is, I've been feeling the same way about MY ex-ex. Even though I could not marry my ex-ex (who I was with for 4 years, I was the dumper) due to his dealbreaker personality issues, I truly miss him - a LOT. I even found myself thinking about him when I was with my ex. It's just human to get attached to people you spend a long time with. AND I'm seeing more of my ex's faults...I had him on a huge pedestal and I'm realizing that he's just as flawed as anyone else. If it doesn't work out with him, I'll be OK because I KNOW what I have to offer, I KNOW my worth and I KNOW that i will meet someone else eventually. You may have better leverage than I do. At the moment I don't have anyone else on the horizon that I'm seeing, intimately or not. I did have a nice date last week but the guy hasn't called again. I have been asked out by at least 4 or 5 men in the last few months but I wasn't interested in them, and if I'm not at ALL interested, I think it's a waste of time. My ex did make a remark "I don't know why you don't have 5 boyfriends" which I perhaps did not answer correctly (I said, "well I turn people down"....) I guess I have to keep dating others to keep his interest, and I do plan on doing this. It's such a game, I don't always like playing it but it's really ALL about SELF -PRESERVATION and just sense of KNOWING that I will be FINE. I DO know that I survived 10 months after our break up, and I had to see my ex on a regular frequent basis....it was very hard, but I kept up my nonchalant, doing fine on my own demeanor and now he's calling me, opening up to me a LOT about where his head is at and we're spending time together. And I'm keeping it light, nonchalant, non-clingy, I don't chase, I don't ask "where is this going". I don't know which way it is going to go....there are no guarantees in life. I DO know that I while I may WANT my ex, I do not need him. I know that there are other guys out there if this doesn't work out and it's hard being alone in a couples world, but the last 10 months have shown me I can do it. I went to a singles event the other night and saw two hundred other people in the same boat. And I'm going away this weekend so he won't get to see me...I'm making a lot of out of town plans for the summer that don't include him. He's going to have to work for it! And I think he's well aware, since what happened with HIS ex, that I could easily get snapped up by someone else. Good luck with X and/or M, I'm sure you'll be fine no matter what! Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Being "nonchalant" had a bad effect on things between me and my ex.. I came accross as not caring, being aloof, and generally a ****.. Perhaps I just wasn't very good at it Link to comment
Loris Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 CrapAtNC, seems as though you've got yourself into a right mess with women, but whatever floats your boat and keeps you happy, eh?! they seem to be into you, but you're not really into either of them, other than the fact they both want you and treat you better than you treat them. Doesn't this make you feel a bit guilty about playing with their emotions? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Soon after getting intimate with M, she told me that we couldn't be bf and gf because there was another guy she had promise herself too. So, one night after making love to M and the same day I called it a day with her, I was in bed making beautiful love to X. She knew I was already intimate with M. It didn't put her off; it made her want me more. But then, the next morning, X finally admitted she was still in love with her ex (she has learned to be very open and honest with me, which is an incredibly welcome change). She said we couldn't be together. Well, unlike the other posters, I fail to see how this is a very happy and healthy situation. It is more like something you would see in a soap opera. So great, you are getting all the sex you want from two women...you can have your penis in M and then 5 hours later have your penis in X. Since both women are so agreeable to that set-up perhaps you can suggest a threesome. The bottom line is, despite their sexcapades with you and their running after you in their quest for orgasms, they have still both stated that their hearts are with other men. So if you are looking for a good time...you have it...but you don't have anything substantial...X is in love with another man and M has stated that she has promised herself to another man (poor guy). That just leaves you with women dying to have sex with you but nothing more. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I agree with this post. It would seem to me that these women have no self-esteem or respect for themselves because they are willing to compete for your sex, knowing that you are involved with the other. Since I do not think that you are involved in a POLYAMOROUS relationship, where everyone agrees that this is ok and knows eachother, etc...you will end up in a very difficult place once you are forced to make a choice. Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 wow there's always some bitter people coming out of the wood work to try and rain on the parade...get a clue people. He is in a good place and he's got his head on straight just because what he is doing doesn't meet you definition of good relationships...it's all about him and that's he's able to handle things. What it sounds like to me is that he's got 2 women interested in him and he's got the right attitude to have a successful relationship with one of them or someone else. That's what this is all about...it's not about your jealousy of someone actually having some success or you negative attitude towards anything that is less than perfect. Let's get that straight right now...there is no perfect especially when there has been a breakup. You have to make do with what you have and that's what he's doing and it's excellent! Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I think it really depends on how you choose to look at the situation. A) He is having fun and feeling better about himself. B) He is using sex to heal his emotional wounds which is only a temporary fix. Unfortunately, what sometimes happens to people who use sex to feel better, is that they become jaded and have a hard time forming long lasting, meaningful relationships...even though they are having a ton of fun. I am speaking from experience...as someone who has been doing this for almost 20 years. Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I don't think it's about sex at all...sex is pretty natural and hard to control. He's in a good place and is taking care of himself and not worrying about what the women think about him...they aren't committing to him and he's not committing to them either. He may have a choice soon and that's great. I trust he will make the right decision and not try and play both. I don't see where he's using sex to feel better...otherwise he would've been just sleeping around all along instead of trying to work on himself and get on with his life. Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 by the way, I've been doing this for 20yrs too...pretty much anyone over the age of 35 who isn't celibant has. Relationships aren't all nice and easy like in the movies they have ups and downs and love isn't rational. Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 by the way, I've been doing this for 20yrs too...pretty much anyone over the age of 35 who isn't celibant has. Relationships aren't all nice and easy like in the movies they have ups and downs and love isn't rational. I was talking about dating multiple people...sleeping with 2 people....having relationships that may be fun, but that do not end up in something more permanent. I was not necessarily saying that it is bad....but he should be aware of the potential emotional risks. Link to comment
riley123 Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I believe that you can’t act nonchalant around an ex, you truly have to be moving on, because sooner or later all your emotions that your trying to suppress will boil to the surface. However, in many soul-searching or grass may be greener cases, you do see the person who ended the relationship freak out when they realize the other person has moved on. The only way to get someone back is to move forward without them. Good luck, CrapAtNC. Keep us posted. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 It's not bitterness talking...it is rational thought and thinking with the brain not the genitals. He actually isn't in a good place...he is using two women and two women are using him...so the only good place he is in is having regular orgasms and the ego boost of having women run after him...but the "good times" won't last forever and one day when the genitals and ego are no longer doing the thinking, the brain may wonder why in the world he got himself into this mess. As for making do with what you have...well, I think it is better to wait for a real relationship than settle for being sloppy seconds and used. Link to comment
ieatglue Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I think after a year of a living hell, and trying to get past this, and being somewhat successful at doing so, I think it's o.k. to have an ego boost. Especially from the girl that didn't have the the time to give him the time. No disrespect given. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I think after a year of a living hell, and trying to get past this, and being somewhat successful at doing so, I think it's o.k. to have an ego boost. Especially from the girl that didn't have the the time to give him the time. No disrespect given. Two wrongs don't make a right. At any rate, it is a double-edged sword because she doesn't really want him as a person since she is still pining for her ex...she just wants orgasms from him. In the end, the ego boost is just a house of cards which will ultimately come falling down. It could end up setting back the healing process when all is said and done. Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 you look at this analytically and say it's not right but emotions don't work that way. I think he's doing well. You want perfect relationships then watch movies. You are basing his not being in a good spot on some ideal that is rare in the real world. People breakup sleep with other people, get confused, go back and forth all the time. Expecting everything to be some perfect ideal is what will get you here in the first place. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 you look at this analytically and say it's not right but emotions don't work that way. I think he's doing well. You want perfect relationships then watch movies. You are basing his not being in a good spot on some ideal that is rare in the real world. People breakup sleep with other people, get confused, go back and forth all the time. Expecting everything to be some perfect ideal is what will get you here in the first place. Of course the world isn't perfect and crap happens (sorry CrapatNC...I meant to use the s word but I think that words gets censored out!)...and sure emotions come into play...but it is one thing to have emotions and feelings...quite another matter to ACT on them. Just because people make foolish choices all the time, doesn't mean people should strive to make foolish choices just because everyone else does...there has to be a voice of reason somewhere....not just the masses saying "go for it...play now pay letter". This forum is not all about patting people on the back and saying go for it in every situation. This forum is about giving people constructive advice to help them...not encourage behaviours that could end up causing them more pain down the line. Link to comment
deang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 this hasn't been going on for months he just got into this situation. I agree long term its not healthy but while everyone is sorting out their feelings I think it's fine. He is able to not worry what the women think of him and is able to express feelings for both while they work out there end. If it continues I will agree but right now it's too early and there are 3 people involved here who can all make the decision to end it and not just one. I think helping by discouraging what I see as progress albeit not ideal is no help at all. Link to comment
Mustang Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I'm terrible at NC. I hope that it's not damaging my chances too much. I know it probably is. But I can sense that there's some feelings still there and I suppose I just want things to be comfortable enough so that we don't drift apart. I'm trying not to look back on what happened and why, more just moving on myself. I know I give in to NC a lot but I am going to try so so hard this time. Even if it means turning my phone off and giving it to a mate! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 this hasn't been going on for months he just got into this situation. I agree long term its not healthy but while everyone is sorting out their feelings I think it's fine. He is able to not worry what the women think of him and is able to express feelings for both while they work out there end. If it continues I will agree but right now it's too early and there are 3 people involved here who can all make the decision to end it and not just one. I think helping by discouraging what I see as progress albeit not ideal is no help at all. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on what is considered progress and what responsibility people should take about their actions. Link to comment
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