Should I be concerned?

[confusedmama]

I am already on pins & needles for the NEXT court date coming up on 6/25. But to top it off, I went to see my lawyer last Thurs. to try & get a game plan together as we are chatting about court, he calls the Guardian-ad-litem for the boys and it turns out that he (the guardian) was going to the ex's house that night while the boys were there for visitation

 

I didn't ask the kids about it-I try not to impose or question them about the time they spend with their dad, but I thought the GaL's were supposed to be even. I;m feeling rather freaked out about it as I haven't heard one peep from the GaL since the court date in March.

 

Should I call my lawyer? Should I call the GaL? I wonder who set up the visitation on Thurs?

Wow-there goes the legal fees up and up and up and there go my nerves spinnin'

[Iceman26]

When in doubt, call your lawyer. That is what you are paying them for. Good luck.

[novaseeker]

It could simply be that the Guardian is trying to prepare for the next court date later this month. But I agree you should check with your lawyer.

[confusedmama]

I was sitting in his office when we found out the GaL was going to visit. I guess I am just worried about what the ex is trying to pull now. I'm sure the stage was set extremely well in his favor.

 

If the GaL is trying to prepare-shouldn't he have also come to MY house? Isn't there an obligation to check both residences? The way the calendar plays out-I won't be in town with the kids for more than 2 days before court (we go on vacation and then the ex has them for vacation).

 

I guess I just DON"T want to run up the bill any further.

[ImThatGirl]

From what I've heard, Guardian-ad-litem's are completely "for" the children. They are there to look out for the childrens interest rather than in Mom or Dad's interest. Have they visited at your house at all? Do you have many complaints against their father? Maybe the GAL is planning to visit to see if your complaints are valid more than anything else. Another thing, GAL's typically mostly observe, don't they?

 

I don't really think there's anything for you to worry about. Being uncomfortable and ancy about it I suppose may be a bit normal. But I don't think you need to worry excessively about it.

[confusedmama]

Yes they are supposed to be for the children, which is why I wanted one when the issue of custody re-emerged in January. I don' t have complaints filed-other than $$ ones (paying for braces, Dr's bills, etc) my ex is the one who continues to bring us to court.

 

I guess I am simply nervous because we have a "temporary" order in place for visitation-I don't want it to be a permanent order. Unfortunately, if the GaL doesn't speak with me, teachers, and the counsellor my kids are seeing-it may become permanent-which equals more $$ and time spent fighting it out in court.

 

The last time the GaL didn't get in touch with the teachers and I really think it allowed the ex more time than is good for the boys. But I feel as if I'm "tattleing" when I state my feelings in this case. URRRGGGHHH

[ImThatGirl]

Just out of curiosity, how much time do the boys spend with their dad?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Please do NOT go after the GaL! That is the quickest way to get on their judge's bad side, and usually, the GaL ends up determining who gets custody and how much and the judge takes their recommendation.

 

The GaL can be EXPECTED to visit at the father's house to determine what is going on between him and the kids, to decide if he's a good father, to see what their relationship is, etc.

 

I'm not sure what you want in terms of visitation, but most courts do allow and encourage visitation between father and children on a pretty standard system, perhaps every other weekend, one weeknight a week, alternating holidays etc. So if you are expecting the father to get less than that, it probably won't happen no matter what you want, unless someone can prove the father is abusive or a drug user.

 

So i'd chill out and talk to your lawyer about what is reasonable for you to expect, and about how you shouldn't go after or alienate the GaL as that is NOT to your advantage.

[novaseeker]

I'm not sure what you want in terms of visitation, but most courts do allow and encourage visitation between father and children on a pretty standard system, perhaps every other weekend, one weeknight a week, alternating holidays etc. So if you are expecting the father to get less than that, it probably won't happen no matter what you want, unless someone can prove the father is abusive or a drug user.

Yep, this was my question, too. I suspect that the father was abusive in some way, based on what the OP is saying, but I don't know that.

[just M.E.]

Could it be that the GaL is only visiting your ex's house because there is no questions about you being a good parent?

 

Talk to your lawyer, but this might be a sign that the GaL needs to check on your ex.

 

Just a different way to look at it.

[confusedmama]

I do realize that my kids need to have visitation with their father-have never disputed this fact. I don't expect him to not see them-have gone out of my way to make things easier for all of them.

 

Before the temporary order: boys are with their dad-every other weekend Fri pm-Mon am and 1 evening/wk (wednesday til 9pm). 3 full weeks of vacation in the summer.

 

Temporary Order gave ex: 1 overnight (thurs.) during each week with all else remaining the same, but he spends 1 evening (wed.) with the oldest til 9pm.

 

SOme background: Ex took me back to court on a show-cause about childcare, mainly because he didn't like to drop the boys at my house when the guy I'm dating is there. (has been A BIG issue) I filed after getting served because his CS is based on him having the kids 100/days per year-in doing the math he had them less than 82 days-in VA anything under 90 days is considered sole custody in CS guidelines. When he was informed that CS was being re-evaluated he suddenly wanted the kids more often-and told them that he was going to get them 1/2 time (one week with him one with me). At this point my oldest's grades plummetted.

 

WHen the GaL became involved-which I requested as my ex wanted the boys to come to court so "the truth would come out"- he helped decide that my oldest needed MORE time with his dad & that would bring up his grades (it didn't they remained extremely low this past 6 weeks).

 

I guess that is wht makes me nervous, I really don't feel that the GaL looked at what was best for the kids, I think he tried an experiment without all the needed research and all it has done is create chaos where there was none. My oldest has come home many Wed. without having done any homework and is then up late completing it, when it is completed it is done poorly. The other 2 have had to charge lunches because he won't pack nor pay for lunch on Fridays.

 

I won't personally contact the GaL but am simply scared and frustated.

[ImThatGirl]

Few things....

 

- He had them 18 days less than what was in the calculation and you took him to court? That's really not that big of a difference in the calculation.

 

- What did you expect him to do? Maybe he wanted to see them more but was trying to be civil until he received new papers for child support.

 

- What reasons do you "not" want them to visit him? The visitation is pretty typical.

 

It's understandable that you are scared and frustrated. You have much at stake here with hoping that the court rules that visitation be set back to what it was before and the hopes of getting a greater amount of child support.

 

I think it's normal though for many parents to feel anxious and like they are under a scope when the stakes are so high (pending custody, etc.)

[confusedmama]

I know that 18 days may seem petty-but the difference between joint & sole custoday CS is almost double what he pays now.

 

I didn't take him back to court-he filed, if he hadn't filed I would have just continued with what I am receiving.

 

The custody issue DIDN'T come up with his first filing-it came up AFTER I filed. He didn't want to see his kids more, he wanted to control who they were with. I have never denied him access to his children, he doesn't call to set up more time with them.

 

I am asking that they NOT spend the night on Thurs. unless it is his weekend, it is too chaotic and tought to deal with school issues. I do have concerns with summers as he works and won't pay a camp or something so the boys are home alone for 6-8 hours a day. I have nothing physical to show why they need to not spend time with him-I can't prove emotional abuse. I simply do not want my BOYS to grow up to be MEN like him-no respect for others, the rules don't apply to him, selfish, unable to hold a job, irresponsible, lack of empathy. He has a narcissitic, bi-polar personality (counsellor's words, not mine) but that can't be stated in court without paying for all the medical testing that would go along with it-I don't have that money.

[novaseeker]

Hmm.

 

A couple of thoughts.

 

On the visitation, I would think it would be unlikely that he would be able to get more than he currently has, which is pretty standard in Virginia. My ex and I have a different arrangement (and a flexible one), because we agreed to that, but getting *more* visitation than that can be difficult because courts tend to think it's disruptive for the kids to be shuttled around too much unless both parents agree to it themselves.

 

Be very careful about the new boyfriend. If there is a whiff of anything sexual going on while your kids are in the house, for example, he can use that in Virginia to get custody of the kids. Virginia is pretty strict about that, my lawyer told me that specifically when I was getting divorced. Courts are very wary of introducing boyfriends and such into the kids' lives and look carefully about what is happening in those instances if the other spouse asks.

[confusedmama]

Thanks Novaseeker. The boyfriend isn't that new (over 2 years) and we are extremely careful, not because of the courts but because I have 3 boys to raise. I don't think the ex will bring it up in court, as he seems to have 2 or 3 new "friends" every couple of weeks. He is extemely afraid of being "replaced" in the boys life, unfortunately when you don't take care of the little things that are so important to the children and someone else does.... But no one is trying to "replace" him.

 

I guess it all goes back to the point that I am unsure how to take the GaL visit. Since he gave more time to the ex in March, against my wishes/judgement, and now is spending time there with the ex and my children I can only hope that it was to watch the interaction-unfortunatley it won't be a "true" interaction.

 

I really wish we could both be "grown-up" and do what is best for the kids.

[novaseeker]

My guess is that you are right that the Guardian is going to his place to observe how the visitation is going either to validate the most recent order or to provide support for a change that the Guardian may be thinking of proposing to the court.

[ImThatGirl]

Any chance that you could turn the tables by agreeing to take the lesser child support in exchange for him agreeing to not push for overnights on Thursdays?

[confusedmama]

With the Thurs. overnights the CS is null & void. Because it is based onthe number of days spents with each parent (although how 90 out of 360 days is considered Joint is beyond me) the number of days spent is now at 90 or above, this is even if I get the visitation back to only having overnights on his visitation weekends.

 

While I don't feel the CS is fair (430/for 3 kids) I could manage if he would simply pay his part of other items (ie lunches, recreation, yearbooks, haircuts, shoes) He considers all this part of his CS payment and doesn't feel he needs to pay for anything that the boys want and or need. When he paid for 1 to play soccer-because dad wanted him too-but then withheld it from support payments I got a little upset.

 

I know it seems petty-it is petty-but there are some people with whom you can't reason. He is one of those people. I can only hope that the GaL will realize this again.

[ImThatGirl]

I kind of understand where you are coming from confused mama.

 

But those people you can't reason with are the ones that come back punching and wailing with they feel trapped in a corner.

 

How old are you kids?

[ImThatGirl]

Is it too late to try to reason with him? If there is nothing severe against him having the kids that extra night each week, chances are he may get that night and then the child support issue will be out the window.

[confusedmama]

He already has that night as a temporary custody arrangement to "see how it works". It really doesn't work for me or the boys when they aren't with him all weekend, it also won't work for the summer when they will be home alone while he works.

 

The boys are 14,10,& 7

 

Even with what I am suggesting(a compromise of he gets them on Overnights ONLY when it is his weekend) the CS won't change much I don't figure. Except that he has had 2 raises, and the salary he gave was a probationary salary and he picks up a couple thousand officiating games.

 

I would love to see if he still wanted to spend time with the boys IF he had to pay the CS of sole custody no matter what.

 

I'm actually the one who when you back me into a corner I come out swinging. I'm willing to compromise but not be a doormat.

[ImThatGirl]

I realize that! Because he filed first and you certainly came out swinging.

 

I can't blame ya really and I understand.

 

I'm a single mother of two kids, cm.. Unless the safety of my children are a concern (ex - booster seat being used before necessary,) I don't go back to court. I hate the courtroom! With a passion!

 

Sorry that you have to! When is court?

[confusedmama]

I also hate the courtroom with a passion. Will give almost anything not to get into that battle. I realize that what he does wrong with the kids is sooo minor in the eyes of the court (he doesn't physically abuse, doesn't abuse drugs/alcohol) that for me it isn't worth the cost, monetarily or emotionally, of dragging it back through.

 

For him this is a power play. For me it is the lives of my children. THAT is what I wish the court, the GaL, everyone involved could/would see.

 

WE go back to court on June 25. My stomach has been in knots for a week already

[thejigsup]

Please play the game to your advantage. Make no noise whatsoever. People like your ex show their true colors when left to their own devices. Let your lawyer deal with him, you keep quiet. My bf is a family law attorney and he always tells his female clients this. It always works, too. Don't get into it or question the GAL in any way, shape, or form. The courts HATE that!

[confusedmama]

I try really hard to keep quiet and be professional when I speak. I'm paying my lawyer enough $$ he ought to speak for me. I guess I feel that sometimes-most of the time-what is important for the kids doesn't get brought to the forefront. This is NOT about me or the ex it should be about what is best for the boys.