This is a HUGE mess

[pjbouchard]

I'm a caring, attractive, smart, professional 24 yr old who is dating a 33 yr old man who is going through a divorce. When we first started dating 14 months ago he had been separated from his wife for 6 months. Both had moved out of their house and there was an understanding that they weren't going to start the paperwork on the divorce until they had sold the house. We fell hard and fast. Talked every day, really got to know eachother, shared tons of laughs, talked about our dreams, etc. We were on the road to success.

 

3 months later his ex pulled a sneak attack, got a lawyer, and started the divorce stuff. Custody battles, verbal assaults and impending bankruptcy started. At this time he starting pulling away from me emotionally and sinking into a depression. I was still in "serious relationship mode" and would try to comfort him as much as possible...be the supportive girlfriend and try to make him happy or surprise him. But we all know human nature, and the more he sunk into the depression and pulled away, the more needy and clingy I acted- I was scared. I knew that this reaction to divorce was normal, but what had happened to my loving boyfriend?? He began to see my supportiveness as being clingy and demanding. He stopped telling me he loved me, and any talk of the future or reassurance in our relationship went out the window.

 

3 months after that we had a huge fight. He had found out that I discussed our relationship with a mutual friend of ours. He got very upset about that. Everything came out that night- that he wasnt comfortable with me being friends with males and that I had a dependant nature. After about 6 hours of arguing and me professing my undying love for him, we decided to stick it out. He admitted that I meant a lot to him and he wasnt ready to give up on us.

 

 

 

well its been 8 months since then and although there has been some progres since the fight, the status quo is the same. he still isnt fully sure about us, wont admit he loves me, doesnt give me any kind of emotional support, frequently cancels plans because he doesnt feel well, im always the one who has to initiate plans and contact him first, etc. We see each other once a week and when we are together, we end up having an AWESOME time. He is affectionate and we are happy.

 

I understand the pain that he is going through because of the divorce and the bankruptcy. I have always been available for him to talk. I have never once griped about him cancelling plans or being distant. I dont let it show that it hurts me. He has been to counseling for the past month so things are starting to get better....

 

We had an interesting conversation the other day. Something he said sparked me to ask him if "I served as just a distraction to him or if he really thought he could fall back in love with me after he beat the depression" he said "That's the debate that I'm having. I'm 33 and can't afford to make any more mistakes. I want to be 100% sure about us before I commit or give you any kind of reassurance. But you are certainly not just a distraction. If I didnt consider you as someone I could have a future with, I would have ended it a long time ago." I asked him what his doubts were about us and he referenced the issues that were brought up in the fight 8 months earlier- that he had not fully recovered from them. I told him that they were now non-issues, that I had changed, and he said "I know you have. Ive noticed."

 

One my friends suggested that I "make him come to me". That it would make him feel more in control if I made him be the first one to contact me or initiate hanging out. That it would also combat the clingy/dependant image of me that I had protrayed earlier in the relationship. Ive been trying it for the past two days and I guess it's worked- he's contacted me first each of those days. I'm just afraid that he's going to think that I'm losing interest or something. Ive been making myself busier as a distraction to all of this stuff and I'm just worried that he's going to see this change in my behavior in a negative light-especially since he's still unsure about us and is trying to figure things out.

 

I dont even know how to act. One part of me wants to give him all the love I can....let him know outwardly that I'm here for him and be as patient as I need to be...continue to initiate us hanging out and talking and understand that of course he's unsure about me- he just recently got hurt. The other part of me wonders why the hell im making myself so vulnerable to a man who's unsure about me. Why I'm involved in a one sided relationship and why I'm letting myself be taken for granted and putting so much effort into a relationship when he barely puts any. It just hurts so much to be in love with someone who is unsure about you and you get no kind of reassurance from. In a way it would kind of be easier if he was like "I dont care about you in that way. I dont want a relationship right now"- I would just be able to cut my losses. But he does care about me in that way and does want to be with me....I just feel like I'm being run through a gauntlet while he decides if I am "the one".

 

 

 

ANY suggestion would be good here. Specifically, how can I get the ball rolling and prove to him that I will not hurt him and that he did once love me and he can love me again. I have been so patient with him, but I just want to start mending our relationship, but he is unwilling to talk about the future until he is completely sure about us. I'm so frustrated. Please help. I love this man. I dont want to screw this up.

[Lana0120]

You can't prove that you won't hurt him. The onus isn't for you to do anything: it's on him. Personally, I would suggest you reiterate that you are not his ex-wife, and suggest giving him some space so that he can work out for himself, in his own time, if he's willing to take the risk because at the end of the day, you do need to know that he's not going to back out on you and break your heart. Thumbs up to him for his honesty though. He sounds like a good guy who has been through some rough times and he is confused.

[Dogg]

I am experiencign something similar and the only thing that I can say is that it SUCKS!!!!!! It sucks to feel that the one that you care so much about still inherently has issues witht he Ex. do you ever get feel that at times they are still not truly over things? it sucks to always be the one to get the "ball" rolling so to speak. It sucks to be the one that is putting in all of the effort and only receiving "scraps" in return. it is very difficult and bothersome, I feel for you as i am in the same boat I think at times.

 

I have discovered that there are only 2 options in this type of situation and neither one is easy (keep in mind I am experimenting with these as well and still have not totally come to grips with exactly what I am doing either)

 

1. provide some sort of ultimatum. let it be known ho you are feeling and be prepared to face the consequences of your words as he may in fact pull away due to him simply not being ready to "commit" or let himself feel a certain way...

 

2. Keep doign what you are doing, keep being there, keep providing solice and comfort for him, keep providing him with unconditional love although it seems to not be reciprocated. BUT be prepared for the reality of the fact hat when things are finalized there is a strong point that when he "feels" better, he may move on from you as you only served a selfish purpose for him and provided what he needed at that particular time.

 

I am battleing these issues as well and I hate the thought that I am giving all I have to someone who may simply for whatever reason not be able to or willing to give it back to me....it hurts, the thought of it hurts.......

 

Good luck, enjoy what you have, just be prepared for it to disappear.......

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

i guess my question to you is - do you feel like you are getting what you need from this relationship? does he make you feel better or worse? i don't see any reason for you to be his savior/personal nurse. i understand that he is going through a difficult time, and understand why he can't commit to one woman while he is still legally married to another. that is a danger with dating separated men. not necessarily that they still have feelings for the wife, but that they are still going through this whole divorce thing and haven't had time to heal. i'm sure you can understand if you got divorced or were in the process of getting divorced, you wouldn't be so quick to jump into another relationship right away. and even if you nurse him back to health, like dogg says, there's no gaurantee that he won't just say 'thanks', and move onto a new woman.

 

i don't know - i think the cons out weight the pros, but that's just me. it sounds like this guy needs a ton of space and time to think. i think you deserve better.

[Sparkle]

This struck a chord with me as my bf and I have been through something very similar.

We were both coming out of marriages when we first got together. So say that it has been a mess is an understatement, and there have been many ups and downs and disastrous attempts at living together.

 

Its been 5 years, and after 2 bad attempts at living together, last year we decided to live apart, and all of us (extended family incl) have been happier for it.

 

I do know how you feel, as, when this happened last year I really thought our relationship was over. At the time we got together, although i also had my issues, i did deal with things better than my bf and felt that I, like you now, had tried to understand, be patient, work and work on things, (wasnt perfect by far) but had given more to the relationship than he had, and it had come to nothing. I did realise most of the way through that it was too soon for both of us, and wondered why, even knowing this, i think we both felt that to do anything less than keep trying even through impending disaster after disaster, would feel like failure.

 

This time apart has really made me realise that I needed to work on myself. Firstly to realise why I felt i was putting more work into things for what seemed to be no real commitment, when most of the time our relationship was based on MY hope of success vs failure and not on actually having a sucessful relationship at the time. I also realised that I really needed to work on the things that I wanted and needed for me, and from all the relationships in my life. To focus on someone elses problems (i.e not really ready to commit for the need to heal) was also a clever way to detract me from my own issues and stopping me growing as a person. Also to take some time out to find out why and accept that I did accept less than I felt I deserved, and how this bred resentment in me.

 

I guess what im saying is there is no point in working and working on something (getting him to change the way he feels) and then getting upset when it doesnt work out the way you had planned. He has been honest, and there are no guarantees in this life. I would suggest you stop focusing on him and start focusing on you, and why you feel you give more than you get, and how and why you feel this is working for you (after all, you are continuing).

 

Shift the focus back to you. He will do his healing in his own time.

Im not saying you should stop loving him, ofcourse, you cant. What i am saying is that you cannot control the speed that he heals, and really, he needs to do this on his own, and although I understand your want to show him that he can rely and trust in people, which ofcourse is a good thing, to want this for your own happiness (i.e. the relationship that you want eventually) is putting a huge fixer burden on you, and an expectation on him that he may not be able to fulfill.

 

Let him find his own way through this. Ofcourse, if its what you want, be there to support him, if you have the patience to wait out the hope and expectations that you have for the future with him when he has healed, but understand that it is YOUR HOPE and EXPECTATIONS and that these may not be the same for him.

 

I wish you luck.

[lenni]

wow, i think sparkle's post was awesome, and i agree.

 

i think when someone needs to work through something, it can feel kind of disempowering for another person to offer too much help. i know you have backed off a lot, but he really does need to sort through this stuff on his own. if he has the impression you don't think he can work through this on his own then he might end up resenting that.

 

i'm not saying either that you should stop loving him. but i think it would help you to sort of let go and accept that right now he has to go through his process, and it isn't up to you to somehow make that easier for him. he has to go through what he has to go through. since he isn't giving you in return what you are putting in right now, turn around and focus that energy on taking care of yourself and your own needs right now. i know it is easier said than done. maybe step back and decide that if he isn't any clearer a year from now (or whatever timeframe feels reasonable to you), then you'll decide to move on. then let go of the outcome for that time, and put more of a focus on yourself and what you want for you.

[xrayspex]

Personally I wouldn't bend over backwards trying to cater to him and make him commit to me. You may be the rebound relationship, sorry to say. I'd give him space and not even ask him about it again and see what happens. If you get tired of waiting, find someone who isn't fresh out of a marriage...it takes time to get over the baggage you bring out of a divorce.

[Kalika]

Sounds like it's been long enough, he should know by now whether or not he sees long-term potential. The proof is in the pudding, so to speak - you initiate all the calls, plans, etc...

 

What's the point? Why are you chasing him so hard?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The problem is here that he has all the power in the relationship. You are playing the role of a patient, loving, accomodating wife, but you are not his wife, nor is he even willing to acknowledge that he loves you after 14 months.

 

You met him at a bad time, and it is understandable that he doesn't want to rush into another marriage until he is sure. However, he only sees you once a week and it seems to have fallen into the pattern of him deciding everything... when you see each other, how much, whether you will move forward etc. He is holding most of the power, and you are letting him because you feel desperately in love and afraid he will get away.

 

So what does he do with those other 6 days and nights he doesn't see you? Is he with his children, seeing other people, doing his own thing? That would bother me more than anything, that after 14 months i wasn't more included in his life. He could be perfectly happy with this arrangement for YEARS. He has someone who is all understanding in the background supporting him, sex once a week, and you are making no other demands on his time, finances, or life.

 

So i think you have to sit down and be very honest with yourself as to what you want in life, and is he moving towards this with you, or doing nothing at all towards it. If you want marriage and commitment, then you need to decide how long you will wait for it. You also need to spend more time with each other and really become part of his life rather than a once a week date.

 

So once you've decided what your goals are, talk to him about it. Status with him again in a few months and see how he feels. If you are still only seeing him once a week and he is still waffling about his feelings and intentions, then tell him again, that if he hasn't developed more feelings for you in the next few months, you will move on when the relationship reaches 2 years.

 

The thing i have seen is women who patiently wait for a man for years, then all of a sudden, he meets someone new, dumps her, and is engaged and married to the new woman in the blink of an eye. So you have to make really sure that he isn't just saying platitudes that leave his options open while he looks for someone he might find more suitable, then drops you when he finds her.