Marriage and babies scare me

[Girl79]

Marriage and babies scare the crap out of me and I don't know why! It's not like I'm getting any younger. I'm 28 and I have all these negative feeling towards marriage and kids. Thinking of getting married scares me half to death. I've been with my guy for over a year and I truly see myself being with him for a long time. But forEVER? It's so scary. I know he has thought of marriage with me and I know he wants a kid or two.

Honestly I am scared of becoming a housewife. I don't want to be stuck at home taking care of a child, I don't want my husband to lose interest in me because I have beared his kids. I have all these weird negative thoughts about what happens to a relationship when you throw marriage and a baby into the mix. I guess reading all these stories of men cheating and losing interest in their wives doesn't help much Most of my friends don't have kids, so I have no really great relationships where there are kids involved to compare to.

Am I the only woman who feels this way? I swear that I am so not normal. Most women dream of a wedding and a family and here I am freaking out about it. What can I possibly do to change my mind, or at least see this in a more positive light? The thing is is that I don't want to not get married and have a kid, and then later on regret it. I guess I'm just not in any rush, maybe I need to wait it out a little longer and hope my bioligical clock ticks in? ARG!

[Mythical_Suicide]

All I wanted to say was.. not all women/men are meant to be married nor have kids. There's no reason to force yourself to change your mind, if it's something you really wanted out of life you wouldn't have to force yourself. Doesn't make you any less of a person for not wanting kids (atleast you're not out trying to get pregnant and then aborting or throwing the kid in the garbage) if you don't want kids, then don't have them but just be sure that you make that clear to your current partner and any future partners.

[lanty3]

Marriage scares me too. I love children, but I just can`t bear them.

[DN]

It is Ok for you to feel this way and also OK if you decide you don't want a relationship and don't want kids.

 

But you should be upfront with your boyfriend about this so that if he does want marriage and children he can find a woman who does as well.

[JadedStar]

Definitely never have kids unless this feeling goes way way away. Far too many people do it "just beacuse" and that can lead to kids living in homes where they are nothing but a burden to their parents. NOt fair to them.

 

Like Mythical said not everyone was meant to have them. It's rather simple, for so long as you are feeling this way do not get married and do not have children.

 

I agree about being upfront with your b/f. if he DOES have these things on his mind and really wants it and you don't, perhaps release him so he can find someone who shares his goals.

 

Incompatible goals in a relationship is one of the biggest relationship killers.

[melrich]

I guess I'm just not in any rush

 

There is no need to be, you are only 28. Most of my crew did not start having kids until they were early to mid 30s.

 

I don't want to be stuck at home taking care of a child

 

You don't have to be. there are so many options available nowadays with flexible working arrangements and ever improving childcare. And remember....babies grow up.

 

guess reading all these stories of men cheating and losing interest in their wives doesn't help much

 

Where are you reading all these stories?

 

It's perfectly valid to make a decision to not have children and more and more do these days. It's also perfectly normal to be scared of the life changes and responsibilities of having kids.

 

But there is no need for you to rule these things out now. You are still young and your social circle and life style will change a lot in the next 5 to 10 years.

[Girl79]

I have been completely up front and honest with my guy about how I am feeling and we continue to both be honest with each other. Since everything else about our relationship is great, we are both going to wait a little longer and see if I change my mind. He doesn't want a kid for a couple of years, so I figure I have until then to make my mind up.

The thing is is I WANT to want to have a baby and to get married. I just seem to lack the drive and I'm not sure why. It's frustrating, I wonder why I am not excited and looking forward to it

[Mythical_Suicide]

Because you are focused on other things now rather than getting married and having kids.. It is perfectly normal! Don't stress yourself out over things. You still have a few years to go to decide whether having a baby is for you or not and if it isn't then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

[Hope75]

Do you have many bad examples of marriage and children?

 

I have quite a few friends who are married with children (in fact we are some of the last of my crew to do the marriage/kid thing) and all are thriving and love each other and the children. My own parents have been married 38 years and have raised 4 children and love each other still and are best of friends. I've seen some marriages dissolve and others last a long time. It really depends on the people involved.

 

Having said that, the others are right- marriage and family is not for everyone. You may change your mind, you may not. As long as you continue to be honest with yourself and with your bf about where you stand, I would relax about it and see where time takes you.

[kuiks8]

well good for you for recognizing this in yourself. No one said you have to get married and start a family. Better that you recognize it now. I on the other hand had to get married to realize it was the complete opposite of everything i wanted

[JeckyllNHyde]

I feel this way too! But.. not about marriage. I do want to get married. But babies.. Oh my! Scares the bejeezus outta me. I know (if me and my bf can work thru our problems and we are together years from now) for some reason... I do know he thinks of me as someone with potential.

 

You've only been with your bf 1-2 years. It's not enough to know if you want to be with him forever.

 

IMO the right guy and time might just make you change your mind.

Once I remember talking to my bf about it. And I can't explain it.. but they way he spoke about fatherhood.. it just took all my fears away and made me think "maybe.."

 

I don't think any of us could really change your mind with words and kinda convince ya.

[smickly]

If you've decided you WANT to get married and have kids, but have these deep rooted fears that keep you feeling more scared then excited I would take a deep look at some of these fears:

 

1) You're scared of becoming a housewife

Ok what will it take for you to not feel scared of becoming a housewife. A husband who is as completely competent at child rearing as you are? An understanding that you will be returning to work full time after child bearing, and you will either have a stay-at-home-husband, a nanny or daycare? Or maybe you'd be ok with part-time work and part-time childrearing? Discuss, drive deep and figure out what it would take to address this fear.

2) You're scared of becoming undesirable to your husband.

So discuss what would make you feel desirable after you've had kids. Is it a guaranteed date night. Is it a requirement to get to the gym 3 days a week (while dad's in at home in charge). Will it be a girls trip or weekend out once a year, once a quarter?

 

Brainstorm, be creative, communicate...

It can be fun to come up with completely unorthodox ways of raising children, because 'normal' scares me too!

 

And of course realize that you have to be flexible, and your thoughts and feelings are likely to change once their really are kids involved. However, understanding that you have a plethora of options and time might just be what you need.

[tangi39]

Some very good advice offered so far.

 

It's fine to be where you're at- There's no rule book that says you have to want this or that.

 

However, your bf DOES need to know where you stand. Your feelings towards marriage and children HAVE to be the same. A lot of couples who are fantastic together break up because of differences on these issues.

 

You are afraid he'll lose interest after children- But what if you got married, were afraid to have children and he wasn't- Then he might lose interest and want a woman who is ready for kids. Or go after one who already has them.

 

If you don't want to be a housewife, don't be- It is rare to find women who DO just stay home with the kids anymore. Are you afraid this is what HE wants you to do ?

 

Losing interest, we both know that can happen any time for any reason-

You don't have to be pregnant or have a child for a man to lose interest.

And if you man has stressed how much he wants children, I don't think he'd be one to turn and run- I think he's the type who'd love you even more.

 

Is it possible that some of these fears come from you feeling insecure with your choice of man ? Are you worried you may not be able to go the distance with him ? It may not be fear of these things- But fear of these things with HIM.

 

I was a total committment phobe before I met my husband- Didn't want marriage or kids- but once I met him, I wasn't afraid anymore.

 

Granted, this is not the case for everyone- Some people don't want these things- and that's okay too . But if you're SO is being clear about what he wants, you need to be clear about what you want. And honest with yourself.

But I can tell you this much- Don't do anything you don't want to do just because you feel like you "should"- It will only end badly.

As much as it may hurt, you might need to let him go, so you can both find people with whom you share common goals.

So during this trial - Be honest. Lying to yourself with only make the short term work. Do what YOU feel ready to do and comfortable doing.

 

Good Luck !

[Excalibur]

so don't have either one and make it clear up front before getting attached and intertwined with people that you're into partnership -but not commitment or kids.

 

If you want to take a permanent step towards no natural children - get your tubes cut or use one of the newer non-surgical but permanent procedures that sterilize you.

 

You letting a man know you cannot have children, is going to eliminate alot of upset and confusion if they think at some point you'll get your "maternal instinct' going and want to have them, despite what you say now.

[Girl79]

My bf is VERY clear on where I stand, and he has been for as long as we have been in the relationship, and yes of course we will continue to communicate.

I'm not afraid that he wants me to be a housewife. I'm just afraid of becoming one, and losing myself so to speak, losing my interests and my life. I have this weird perception of what happens when you get married and have kids and I don't really know where it comes from. One of the reasons may be that I work in a predominantley male work force, and I hear many many complaints about their wives and kids and they just seem unhappy. That could be part of the reason. Why do so many men feel the need to * * * * * and complain about their wives, their "ball and chain"? It's so lame.

My bf would be a really awesome Dad, I truly know this. He goes "aww" and sqeezes my hand when we walk past the baby aisle in the grocery store. He tells me that I will be so beautiful when I'm pregnant and that he can't wait to look after a baby. I mean, it's so clear to me that in a couple of years, he will be more than ready, and he will be more than ready with ME.

I have received some really helpful posts so far, thank you

[Excalibur]

Does that perception come from your mother living vicariously thru you and every school play and school paper was her treasure or her downfall?

 

If so, that's why you want nothing to do with motherhood - you watched her be nobody except 'thru you" - and you don't want that to happen to you.

 

It doesn't have to - unless you let it by default of ceasing to be an individual - not someone with a title and the obligations of it as a sole role in life.

 

Today's relationships are more varied and accepted for it. You culd be the primary breadwinner with the career, and he could be the man with the job that runs to school when the children are sick, and stays at home for a few years until they're of school age.

[DN]

A relationship is made by the two people in it - or should be. He is not your male co-workers and you should not project how they react on to him. He deserves to be respected for who he is on his own merits.

 

Similarly, you should not project how other women are on to how you will act or react. You are in charge of your life and can work out things for yourself - or with your boyfriend.

[thejigsup]

I had a child, even when I was sure I did not want any. I love my son to pieces, but I am never going to be up for Mother of the Year. I can't, I repeat, can't stay home and take care of kids! All my son remembers of his childhood is me working long hours and going to school. I am very career driven, not mommy driven. I was married once. An even bigger mistake that didn't last long, though I did get my son from it.

 

Go with what you know works for you. I had no more children and I am still single 19 years after my divorce. Your decisions affect more people than yourself, keep that in mind.

[DN]

I had a child, even when I was sure I did not want any. I love my son to pieces, but I am never going to be up for Mother of the Year. I can't, I repeat, can't stay home and take care of kids! All my son remembers of his childhood is me working long hours and going to school. I am very career driven, not mommy driven. I was married once. An even bigger mistake that didn't last long, though I did get my son from it.

 

Go with what you know works for you. I had no more children and I am still single 19 years after my divorce. Your decisions affect more people than yourself, keep that in mind.

How did that work for your son - and what does he think of it now?

[sophie274]

I think what happens with many women is not that they "lose" themselves, but simply that once their children are born they realize how much they care about their child, and just want to talk about them all day long and do "housewife" things! And there are so many examples of women I know who have not done that, and who are still great mothers:

 

The woman I babysit for is an environmental engineer, works part time and spends the rest taking care of her 2 and 4 year olds. They do so many things - they are having a GREAT childhood so far! Their dad is a doctor and he is around a lot on the week-ends and in the evenings too.

 

My aunt had one child, went back to work soon after the birth. She is the BEST mom ever - totally devoted and fun. She works but still has plenty of time for her son. She worked less when he was younger but more now (started her own law firm, just her and her partner, so she is flexible).

 

Anyway, just wanted to say I think many women have those fears (I do!), but you ARE completely in control of what you choose to do after the birth of your children and how you choose to balance work/family/you time. Of course, IMO, you can't have a hugely demanding career and be a hands-on mother. Something does have to give, but you are in control!

[lady00]

It sounds like your boyfriend does want kids and perhaps is hoping that you will change your mind some day. Of course, you should absolutely not get married or have kids if that is not what you want to do. But it does sound like things between you and your bf will eventually come to a head seeing as you want different things. It sounds like he can imagine you being pregnant whereas you can't. I suppose all you can do is keep talking and hopefully this will be resolved.

[Enigmatika]

Marriage and babies scare the crap out of me

Rightfully so...

[caro33]

Marriage and babies scared the crap out of me too, and I was not sure I wanted either. I did go down that path eventually though, because to me the alternative was more scary - I did not want to be without a family of my own when I was much older.

 

My mother was 28 when she had me, and she was an OLD mother for her time. For me, I had my first child 6 months ago at 34, and if I had my way I would have waited even longer if I could (but the eggs won't wait). It always seemed like a nice-ish idea some years from the present. I also worried about losing myself, about the relationship going sour with me fat and alone and without a job at home, of having a horror child etc etc. I was scared about the wedding up until the day before (and have never once regretted it since) and was not sure about the baby thing for some time.

 

In my case, while I do mourn some elements of my past life (e.g. my small ass jeans) I am eternally grateful to whatever cosmic being (or luck) put my husband in my face and made him too good to say no to. I am endlessly grateful for having what I totally believe to be the sweetest, cutest kid in the world. Things can change. I would not worry too much about this right now, but perhaps put some time aside to ask yourself some serious questions in a year or two.

[thejigsup]

DN, my son is fine. Better than some sons of soccer moms. He's a cool guy. He is a sophomore in college. Good GPA. Never been in a bit of trouble. With me as a mother, he learned to be responsible at an early age. He is driven like me, so we understand each other. He wants to go into Real Estate Marketing. Economics is another interest of his. So far, so good. I had nothing to do with it.