tomtommyboy Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Short version of a long story: 14 months since we broke up (she dumped me, I was heartbroken); 13 months NC; last I heard from her was about 10 months ago, birthday email which I didn't reply to. I'm 100% over the pain but I still feel resentful. I also still check on her on facebook pretty much every day (I can't see her account but can see her bf - and no she DOESN'T know I look before anyone suggests it). I know she's on her second bf since me, there's no way she's coming back (she's 7 years younger and at Uni, over a year til she leaves anyway) and I'm not sitting here hoping. The only thing I still want is some sort of contact from her so I can have the last laugh so to speak. I'm still not sure how I'd react, but I'd hope to get something in. Yes, yes, I know, I'm not meant to be bitter and think these things...but I do. And I'm wondering when all this is going to go away completely. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly unhappy at the moment and in fact I have other worries bigger than this, I'm just wondering when the endpoint is. Some of my friends say they only really got over a heartbreak with their next serious relationship. And truth be told, the only times I have felt really over her (meaning when I thought of her I felt non-resentful, even positively towards her) are the two times it looked like something new might be brewing with other people. I wonder if that'll be the real end to this saga, try as I might to get over it on my own. The irony with all this is I'm not very interested in dating at the moment. I've got loads of other things to think about...but I'm wondering if I need to get back out there in order to move on. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Dating and meeting someone new does help you get over the previous person. Link to comment
HealingHandsWarmHeart Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I personally think that you are most likely over "her" and just miss having a relationship. IMO we are ready to move on and date when we say we are ready. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I do not ever recommend getting a new one to get over the old one. If you have not gotten over the old one why burden a new person by dating them and potentially stringing them along and making them a rebound? I find this to be a selfish way of getting over an ex and it has little consideration for whom you might date. Wait until you think you are really ready. Link to comment
Bunney Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I do not ever recommend getting a new one to get over the old one. If you have not gotten over the old one why burden a new person by dating them and potentially stringing them along and making them a rebound? I find this to be a selfish way of getting over an ex and it has little consideration for whom you might date. Wait until you think you are really ready. I agree with this. And yes it is possible to get over a previous relationship without getting a new one. Link to comment
onetrack Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Same situation here friend. As long as there is bitterness, you will never get the “last laugh”. The closest you will come to that is when she sees you happy and strong. At some point you/we need to forgive and forget. A new relationship will be sure to flame out if you are consumed by the past. A bad situation that can only lead to more of te same. Link to comment
emalkoc Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 From my experience, I can say that dating is like a medicine to your ego and confidence. I say date as much as possible. Dont get involve emotionally and physically until you are thinking of your ex less and less and see someone you think you can give 110%. Then go ahead and involve. I started dating 2 months after the break-up and I have a new gf much much better than previous one after 8 mos of break-up...But I had done a lot of soul searching and growing and learning from previous RS between.... Agree with JadedStar that if you are not ready, you will hurt someone else. Just Date! Link to comment
onetrack Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Just Date! What a concept! thanks Link to comment
i_win Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 You seem like you're ready to go out and meet some new women to me. Link to comment
rose2summer Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 You are searching for a bandaid to heal your wound. Entering a new relationship when you aren't ready for it will be like pouring salt into your wound. If you have so much anger, resentment, frustration towards your ex, starting a new one isn't going to solve anything. Link to comment
i_win Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 I'm going to disagree with others here. Starting a new relationships with someone is one thing, but I think it would be helpful if you got out there and started dating and meeting new women. Sometimes going out there and finding others opens your eyes to other great women out there and you'll have something else to focus your attention on instead of always falling back to thoughts of your ex. Eventually you will let go of the resentment towards her because you won't care becuase you've found other women that are just as good or better in their own ways. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 No one said he shouldn't get out there and mingle. He asked about starting a new "relationship" before getting over an old one. Relationship is more than casual dating. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 Relationship is more than casual dating. very perceptive.....to the OP it is possible to get over the relationship without dating...but dating helps Link to comment
emalkoc Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 No one said he shouldn't get out there and mingle. He asked about starting a new "relationship" before getting over an old one. Relationship is more than casual dating. That's why agreed with you after few dates, you will feel up and downs. You will compare every each of them to your ex and then you will miss your ex but at the same time, you will learn something important about yourself and what was wrong in previous RS. You are alive. I think this is like an analogy to a spare tire. You need one in order to find the right tire to replace bad one. Spare tire takes you to the shop where you meet your new tire or old tire fixed either way you will be saved. Eric Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 That's why agreed with you after few dates, you will feel up and downs. You will compare every each of them to your ex and then you will miss your ex but at the same time, you will learn something important about yourself and what was wrong in previous RS. You are alive. I think this is like an analogy to a spare tire. You need one in order to find the right tire to replace bad one. Spare tire takes you to the shop where you meet your new tire or old tire fixed either way you will be saved. Eric MY reply was to iwin who said I'm going to disagree with others here. Starting a new relationships with someone is one thing, but I think it would be helpful if you got out there and started dating and meeting new women. I was pointing out that my reply was about a new relationship, not mingling and maybe some casual dates and making himself social. Link to comment
Belle Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 tommy, It's not a sure fire way to get over someone. But most often it's the method of choice to get over someone. I understand your resentment. I've actually dated someone in between an ex of mine. I thought I was totally over him. Maybe I was. But seeing him again and having him play more games really ticked me off and set me back. I'm not ready to get into another relationship, but I"m definitely ready to have fun and date again. Don't feel bad about being petty this late in the game. You're not the only one. I think not focusing on finding someone and just having fun in the moment will help. You will get over her though. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 That's why agreed with you after few dates, you will feel up and downs. You will compare every each of them to your ex and then you will miss your ex but at the same time, you will learn something important about yourself and what was wrong in previous RS. You are alive. I think this is like an analogy to a spare tire. You need one in order to find the right tire to replace bad one. Spare tire takes you to the shop where you meet your new tire or old tire fixed either way you will be saved. Eric Hmm, since I recently forked out a ton of money to replace a flat tire...my wallet certainly wasn't saved! This notion of casual dating when trying to get over an ex might be great in theory but typically what happens is that casual dating does not last long and a relationship ensues and the rebound person gets hurt. To use another analogy, it is like putting a piece of chocolate cake in front of a chocoholic while they are supposed to be dieting and then having that person sit there for several hours while everyone else is eating their chocolate cake. Eventually the person will probably cave in..one bite leads to two bites, leads to eating the entire piece. From what I have seen on this forum, nobody stops at just casual dating...and typically casual dating for most people is not platonic, it does involve making out, and probably sexual contact of some sort. It is kidding yourself if you think that casual dating is innocent and a healthy thing to do if you are still reeling from a breakup and still have anger and bitterness. Link to comment
love4life Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 It's possible, but it's more difficult. That's why we have that little thing called a "rebound relationship" ;-) Truly though, anyone who jumps right into a new relationship hasn't addressed what they need to within themselves. I think "getting over" someone is relative to each individual though. There's no hard and fast rule or test you can run on yourself to see if you "pass". I think it's when you're ready to take a leap of faith and not overthink things that you find yourself ready for a new relationship. And I don't think that can happen until your hurt feelings are gone and you regain your ability to trust yourself and your gut. I also believe (and I may be in the minority here) that deep within all of us anyone we've ever loved will still ignite some feeling. And that's because we still have our memories of the feelings we felt when we were with that person. But with time, the memories get fuzzier and fade out, and so do the feelings associated with them. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 CAD, sometimes it's just unavoidable that we will meet someone else before we are over are ex's. People here tell others that are hurting over a breakup to go out, have fun, meet people, enjoy life. Part of enjoying life sometimes involve meeting people of the opposite sex and sometimes the attraction and all that, is there, and things take off. It is hard to prevent. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 Well as i mentioned I don't think a "relationship" will help anyone at all but as for mingling and casual dates here and there eveyrone is different. For some it might help to engage the mind, for others it might prove catastrophic if they are the type who can't casually date without getting attached. It depends on the individual. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 CAD, sometimes it's just unavoidable that we will meet someone else before we are over are ex's. People here tell others that are hurting over a breakup to go out, have fun, meet people, enjoy life. Part of enjoying life sometimes involve meeting people of the opposite sex and sometimes the attraction and all that, is there, and things take off. It is hard to prevent. Sure, you can go out and enjoy being with people. I am talking about when people are going out with the purpose of dating...I am not talking about going out with a group of friends and just happening to click with someone in the group. Also, many times this so-called clicking still has the desperation "I need to find someone". If someone is desperate to find a partner they will....and they will end up "willing themselves" into the connection which may not normally have been there if they were in a healthier, less desperate state of mind. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 Sure, you can go out and enjoy being with people. I am talking about when people are going out with the purpose of dating...I am not talking about going out with a group of friends and just happening to click with someone in the group. Also, many times this so-called clicking still has the desperation "I need to find someone". If someone is desperate to find a partner they will....and they will end up "willing themselves" into the connection which may not normally have been there if they were in a healthier, less desperate state of mind. The bolded is NOT true. There have been times I have been desperate to meet someone to take away the pain of an old breakup and it doesn't happen. When we are desperate to meet someone, that is usually the time it does NOT happen. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 The bolded is NOT true. There have been times I have been desperate to meet someone to take away the pain of an old breakup and it doesn't happen. When we are desperate to meet someone, that is usually the time it does NOT happen. I have known plenty of desperate women who found boyfriends...the trick for women is that if you are desperate you act sexual and easy...then you will get a boyfriend. Link to comment
emalkoc Posted May 7, 2008 Share Posted May 7, 2008 The bolded is NOT true. There have been times I have been desperate to meet someone to take away the pain of an old breakup and it doesn't happen. When we are desperate to meet someone, that is usually the time it does NOT happen. I totally agree with this. You find yet another trouble by doing that and that's called hurting someone else! CADs, what I meant to say by "Just Date", go out and spend time with girls/guys as much to divert the focus and get busy and build your confidence...I dont recommend anyone to get involve with someone "romantically" until they have taken sometime to heal, reflect and learn from past RS... Just Date! Eric Link to comment
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