I Have Become The "Psycho Ex"

[Brokenhearted87]

I didn't know I had it in me to be honest. I was always a very balanced person, rational, though I do suffer from depression and low self esteem which have gone rapidly downhill this past month. I've cracked, gone loopy, lost the plot. I manage a few days NC. Then when I don't hear from him.....what with us supposedly being under the pretence of friends and on talking terms....I just freak. It's not that I want to reply to any contact he would make....but the fact that he's said how much he wants to be friends and is now avoiding me, has blocked me on MSN (found this out by fluke when checking out a blocking link my friend sent me online last night.....total shock to the system!)....won't answer my calls or texts....even about being unwell. We were best friends before all this. Now I've ruined that with my nutso ways and I've pushed him away forever.

[Brokenhearted87]

I really do love and miss him. We never had an argument during our relationship. It's just an unbearable shock to the system that he could treat me like this, after I supported him through the death of his father tragically and various other family issues that arose with him this year. I feel like he used me as an emotional crutch, and now that the fog has cleared and he's feeling better, he's discarded me. Now he just drops me and is completely cutting me off. He said we were going to be friends, so why is he doing this? Besides having gone a bit psycho, I haven't wronged him in anyway,he even said this repeatedly during the break up "you haven't done anythng wrong or bad to me"....so why are you treating me like this? I feel so lost and worthless. I'm pretty certain because of his actions that he doesn't believe I have a growth now. How can he be so callous? He even requested that I promise him I'll go and seek help.

[Brokenhearted87]

Thanks MissKitty. Yeah, I've said it to him too. It's all become too clear. He even said things like his head was a mess and his judgment was clouded when we got together (thanks for the ego boost, dear). I wouldn't mind, but HE was the one chasing and pushing to take the friendship to another level. I said this to him too. He was like "I know....I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I know that's my fault".. Yeah, you made the choice. Then when your grief has subsided, and I have helped you through SO MUCH, you dump me. Just cos you're over it and realise I was just there as a pair of ears with female body parts. He even let slip to someone that "we should have just stayed friends....I was in a bad place and I needed someone to talk to and I reached out to a friend" "i have a lot of feelings for the girl, she's a lovely, kind girl, but I just don't think it's like that" . You don't think? So that means you might? You know what, YOU made that decision. He was the one reassuring me it was ok to get together so soon after his dad passed, I was the guarded one, but he was like "no, I'm crazy for you" etc. In his Xmas card he wrote "thank you for being there for me during what has been the hardest thing to go through in my life, I will forever be indebted to you for your love and support....I am so blessed to have gotten to know let alone go out with someone as special as you" I feel like a prize idiot.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, you are treating him like a drug... addicted to him, and responding with the panic one does when the drug is removed. You can outlast this, but your best way is to stop trying to contact him.

 

You've also just proven why 'just friends' doesn't usually work after a breakup. If he were just a friend, you wouldn't be feeling this way, nor getting upset without a few days of contact etc. So i think the problem is he KNOWS that the 'just friends' is a pretense and that you are still hoping to get back together which he doesn't want to do. So he is blocking you and not responding to make a point, that you aren't together anymore and that you need to accept that.

 

If you can't handle this on your own, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a little counseling. Your first task is to recognize that it is really over, and staying in contact is just a 'fix' that keeps you going and not healthy for you. i think in your head you thought if you 'behaved' eventually he would get back with you, and now you 'blow it'. But all the friendly waiting it out and pretending you are happy with just friends won't make him come back if he wanted the breakup. You need to accep that you deserve more then 'just friends' crumbs, and that you will be fine once you get over the shock of the breakup.

[Brokenhearted87]

Yeah. He even said when he was breaking up that when we were breaking up that I'd be the one he'd call when ready to date.....then kind of laughed it off after a few weeks saying that's what everyone does "it's called letting you down gently".....I would have preferred the out and out truth from the get go I said, you're clearly too much of a coward to say "I just don't want you, EVER". It really hurts to hear. I do want to have him as a friend eventually. But he obviously doesn't. After everything I helped him with.

 

I just feel in my life (this scenario, friendships, family), I give so much, am there so much for people, and I always get the raw deal in the end. It's really hard to be rejected from someone's life.

[Brokenhearted87]

Oh and he has turned off the phone I used to call him on and won't answer the other one. What the hell?? I am so upset and frustrated.

[GottaLetItBurn]

You can't really said he used you if you were being a friend. That's selfish, and is love about being selfish, no. You feel used because you thought it was something more than what it really was, which was more than "friendship". If one of my guy friends goes out with a girl I'm happy for him and I would leave him alone until he feels like hanging out. This is why being friends with a ex can never work, because them saying fair well for a while just reminds you of being dumped all over again.

 

Really I hate it when girls say they want to be "just friends". What for? You made a decision, now live with the consequences. Why would you want to be friends with this guy who has made this choice not to be with you? He is basically saying he is glad to be around you as long as no one thinks your his girlfriend. Insulting to say the least. If you go away and never talk to him again, then he will realize he should have cherished you and maybe he will grow up. Do yourself a favor and just act like you don't care even though it hurts, and then when time passes, you will start to wonder what you saw in him anyway. Don't waste your time, because that is something you will regret down the line.

[Brokenhearted87]

He didn't use me when we were friends....but it transpires that on a romantic level, as a couple, he used me as a distraction (his OWN WORDS) from his father's death.

 

I know the advice you give is true, it's so easy to read in black and white what you know makes sense, but it is very hard when there is strong emotion for the person involved

[Brokenhearted87]

Ok I am officially a stalker. I really am considering getting rid of my phone sim and changing it, putting his number away in an envelope and leaving it alone for a loooooooong time,perhaps forever (I do know it by heart of course, but if it's not IN the phone per se, I won't be as tempted)......he's already blocked me on MSN,so that's that covered. Sad to think that after everything we shared and experienced together he has cut me off. Sad to think it's made me go mental! But I'm soooo tired of being sad and crazy, I have to erase him from my life as much as possible.

[bambina maxima]

Hey, Brokenhearted. Go easy on yourself. And GET HELP!

 

I know the cycle of going crazy. My ex-ex totally anhillated my heart and tossed me away like a rotten apple. He did the whole "let's be friends" thing at first, too.

 

I got stuck in the crazy loop and it just kept getting worse and worse. So bad that I ended up in the PYSCH WARD. Boy was that a wake-up call.

 

If you are feeling you are really going crazy, please get help. Maybe this is calling a hotline or setting up sessions with a counselor ASAP. You are too close to this. He certainly can't help you. Get real help and reach out to your family and friends. That's what they are there for.

 

I know it's hard to accept that someone you loved treated you like this. It's okay to be baffled. But he has shown that he CAN'T be there for you. Pour out your heartache for the people who will always be there.

 

Do you have siblings and/or parents you can talk to? I remember during that ex-ex breakup, I got sooooo much closer with my family. I realized that they were human too, with heartaches and pain. Those are the people you should turn to now.

 

Your main goal now is not to reconnect with your ex. Your main goal right now is to become a rational, sane human being again. You need to put your brain in control, not your heart.

[bambina maxima]

Also, you need to not contact him! He is toxic! Again, you're too involved to see it, but HE is the sole cause of your craziness!! Cold turkey. WIthdrawl sucks, but you WILL get through it.

[Litgirl01]

Broken!! YOU HAVE TO GO NC!!! I KNOW IT'S HARD! I am seriously going through it right now! It FEELS better I promise (hurts like hell but beats feeling like you are losing your mind)! It helps you retain your self-respect, helps you to not go crazy waiting for calls and wondering where he is like you are doing right now! Just cut him out....change sim cards so you are not expecting him to call and block him on email so you are not expecting an email! He has moved on hunny! I KNOW HOW BAD THAT HURTS!!!! Love yourself enough to stop this madness!!! xxx I'm here if you need to talk!

[Brokenhearted87]

Thanks Bambina and Lit. I don't think there is any risk of HIM contacting ME lol...he probably is seeking a restraining order and swapping numbers as I type! But I've turned my phone off and will buy new sim tomorrow.

 

Yeah. It's weird to think that a break up can make you literally crazy. I have never felt so crazy....and believe me last year a few months before we met, I was having a seriously rought time....it got to the point that I was so depressed I didn't leave the house and pretty much stayed in bed for two months. It was a very low point in my life. He helped pull me out.....and now I'm falling back in to that hole again. I never thought that would or could happen to me, as a result of rejected love. It's very hard to come to terms with this situation. That he is fine with it, and that I have literally gone nuts, flipped.....how does that make sense? I'm going to go back to my counsellor I used to see for my depression, family and self esteem problems.

[HoTung]

i am joining u in the pyscho ex club -

 

we're not together but anything he does reeally affects me

[Litgirl01]

Broken....pull yourself out of the hole! The best time to meet a potential partner is when YOU are in a REALLY good place! Go back to your counselor...see if you can get some ant-depressants! We (I say we - including myself) can never love someone in a healthy way until we love ourselves! That means being self-sufficient! (((((hugs)))))

[HoTung]

totally - cheers to the pyschos

 

i have pushed him away further with my emotions but u know what - they're not right for us...if they truly loved us they would be with us nothing we do can make a sodding difference....we know that we just can;t accept it.

 

So for now let's try and pull ourselves out of this damn hole - 3 cheers for pyscho land

[hers]

BH--I haven't read the whole thread, but no one is a psycho ex like I am. I'm completely ridiculous as an ex girlfriend, losing all of my dignity and hurting anyone I can as a crazy attempt to show my ex how wonderful I am. Makes the most sense that way, right?

 

I show up uninvited, drive by his house, text like crazy, look at myspace/facebook pages of him and all of his friends, do all of that pathetic stuff that makes me seem like I'm better off alone than putting anyone through that.

 

Give yourself a little more credit. You could be worse. Practice self-control and just find something to distract yourself from him.

[hers]

You know what, though? I think just the fact that we RECOGNIZE how inappropriate our behavior is, is a good sign. I think a really ill person would not think they were doing anything inappropriate and would continue the think the relationship still was intact.

 

Of course it seems like a good sign, but on my end, it doesn't work taht way. It just means that I haven't learned my lesson yet and have hurt people in the process. Not just my ex, but the people he cares about around him. I'm in therapy for the crap I do. I'm a mess. I think that's why I want to find a guy and finally settle down--just b/c I never want to put anyone else through a breakup again. Nice reason to get married, huh?

[Brokenhearted87]

Mudders....yeah....I swing from feeling completely panicked and desperate....to cringing over my post break up actions,neediness,emotional tirades and general messiness. I've lost all respect and dignity in his eyes. Right now I think that hurts the most....I can imagine if I saw him right now his face would be a mixture of pity and contempt and revulsion. I can't do anything to reverse that, I made him think of me like that. I can, however, JUST LEAVE IT.

[renaissancewoman101]

Brokenhearted87, maybe if you give it some space and time, he may come to not dislike you and would be open to talking to you again. I know that in the first few weeks of a breakup, the feelings and emotions are the worst, on BOTH sides.

 

Good luck!

[JadedStar]

He didn't use me when we were friends....but it transpires that on a romantic level, as a couple, he used me as a distraction (his OWN WORDS) from his father's death.

 

I know the advice you give is true, it's so easy to read in black and white what you know makes sense, but it is very hard when there is strong emotion for the person involved

 

You can't say that. Of course when we are still romatnically involved in a relationship we are there for each other. You can't say once broken up that you were being used at the time you both still together. That would be like saying everything a couple shared was them using each other until they broke up...

 

This strong emotion you feel is the exact reason that he is doing you a huge favor by being unreachable. You can't see that now but it is a blessing in disguise. He is forcing you to move on...where otherwise if he were still being a "friend" you would have an even tougher time letting go.

 

Being friends doesn't work when this kind of emotion is still on the surface because it involves you lying to yourself and pretending that friendship is enough. It's masochistic behavior to put yourself into such emotional harm's way.

[Brokenhearted87]

Well, I can say that, because a lot of stuff came out into the open since, and he basically admitted that getting with me was a mistake, his judgment was clouded and that he just needed someone to listen to him vent about his problems rather than a girlfriend. I thought he loved me and that we were in a loving relationship. However he has since told me a multitude of different things such as "i DID love you" to "i don't know if I loved you". I don't understand that.

 

The fact is, as my mother forewarned and later warned me over and over, the man had baggage, and I became so in love with him that I didn't realise I was just there as a naive emotional crutch to ride out the storm.

[browneyedgirl36]

Well, I can say that, because a lot of stuff came out into the open since, and he basically admitted that getting with me was a mistake, his judgment was clouded and that he just needed someone to listen to him vent about his problems rather than a girlfriend. I thought he loved me and that we were in a loving relationship. However he has since told me a multitude of different things such as "i DID love you" to "i don't know if I loved you". I don't understand that.

 

The fact is, as my mother forewarned and later warned me over and over, the man had baggage, and I became so in love with him that I didn't realise I was just there as a naive emotional crutch to ride out the storm.

 

Ah, Brokenhearted, I totally understand. The same thing happened to me. My ex had a ton of "baggage," and in the end, what I thought was the start of something really special was just me being a "band-aid" for his emotional wounds while he pined away for someone else. Mine too put forth a LOT of mixed messages (though he insisted that he never "messed" with my head), and I ultimately had to realize that he was an extremely confused man. He even admitted he was, and I think he STILL is. He's happy for now, because his "baggage" has re-appeared in his life, but I suspect it won't be permanent, but it's not my problem anymore, and I try to stop myself from thinking about it. He made a choice, and just as I have to live with it, so does he, whatever happens.

 

Please go easy on yourself. We have ALL done things after a break-up that we regretted. I have never been particularly persistent when someone has broken things off with me, but I have definitely hung on longer than I ought to have done, and I have made the occasional random "gesture" -- an e-mail, a card, a gift, etc. -- that I have felt dumb about later on when it was ignored or received in a very lukewarm sort of way.

 

Hang in there.

[JadedStar]

Well, I can say that, because a lot of stuff came out into the open since, and he basically admitted that getting with me was a mistake, his judgment was clouded and that he just needed someone to listen to him vent about his problems rather than a girlfriend. I thought he loved me and that we were in a loving relationship. However he has since told me a multitude of different things such as "i DID love you" to "i don't know if I loved you". I don't understand that.

 

The fact is, as my mother forewarned and later warned me over and over, the man had baggage, and I became so in love with him that I didn't realise I was just there as a naive emotional crutch to ride out the storm.

 

That still does not suggest he was using you, certainly not cognitively. Many people look back and think they loved a person only to find out they were confusing fondness for them for love.

 

I think it is an unhealthy way of looking back at this and is probably why you are still staying in this unhealthy pattern. It will do your own soul much good to realize that at the time he did feel he loved you and was not using you. This sort of thing happens a lot.....it doesn't mean the person went into it with the intent to take you for a ride.

 

Most codependent relationships consist of one person who is very clingy and loves that person to the point of dependence (you) and their partner is used to being clung to and become used to leaning on that person (him). It is definitely a reciprocal event. You were using him as well dear...you were using him to lean on as much as he might have done it to you, but that is how co dependent relationships work...and why they are unhealthy. Neither person is intentionally using the other but you both very much were having needs fulfilled in this dysfunction. You needed to be their for the death of his parent and help him thru it as much as he needed to lean on you at that time.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with this. I participated in my *relationship* (such as it was) with my ex. I hung on hoping he'd get past his *baggage* and he never did. I don't think he *used* me, per se. I think he DID really care, just not in the way I needed/wanted him too -- in the way that leads to a lasting relationship. I wish he would've just left me alone if he was confused, but then again, I saw that he was confused, and I should have TOLD him to leave me alone. I did do it, finally, but everything that led up to that point caused a lot of pain.

 

Lesson learned.