Litgirl01 Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I agree...you can definitely change what you do from here on out! Perhaps you will get his attention with your new found independence! Even if it doesn't make him come back...it will make him think about what he has lost! xx Link to comment
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 Thanks ladies. Yeah. I feel calmer at the moment. Though that is probably because I'm wrecked! I hate how sometimes, for the shortest of times, you feel at peace, then you go back to feeling panicked/sad/lost again just as hard. I'm going to take steps to block him from my life for a bit. Not that he'll notice,as he never contacts me anymore, but to stop myself from frantically texting or calling in moments of weakness. I need a break from my own madness!!! I guess I feel like a psycho cos he said I was acting like one lol! For me though, even if I am a bit psycho at the moment, it all came from genuine true, deep love for him. It's funny they don't recognise that. Sigh. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I am going to repost something here because somewhere up there it made me think it applied... also, the response I got from someone sort of seemed to blame me (maybe I'm just being sensitive tho??) Anyway... here's the story... ********************************************************************************** Ever since I was about 14, I had this image in my head that some guy (no one in particular, tho many I have held this hope for throughout the years) that whatever guy I liked at that time would "surprise" me and show up at my house unannounced simply because he missed me. I've always romanticized the idea that a guy that I liked would actually risk everything to be with ME. This has never happened. Not one has ever really gone any distance because the connection HE felt to ME was strong enough that he'd do anything to be with ME. Not one. I cannot and will not be the manipulative person to create the response I hope for. I don't know how to do that. I don't understand what I do wrong to make them think they do not need to go any distance to "get" me. I am a VERY easy going person, until I feel the distance being applied. What is wrong with me? I fall for them and want them to be happy and seem to have some kind of barrier issues. All I know now is that I can’t trust any man. That I can’t be ME. I can’t be a good, honest and open person. All time has proven to me is that I cannot have feelings, emotions or needs. Because somehow that translates to desperate. Now I am just broken and hollow. Nothing changes and I am a good person and I refuse to lose my own values in order to “make” someone do something. I want them to do it, show up, make an effort, because it’s what’s in THEIR heart---to SHOW me they really care. I guess they simply don’t. ********************************************************************************** Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I am right there with ya sister! They don't recognize it (that you are doing things out of love) because they want to be free of the relationship for whatever reason. Or, they probably do recognize...and it makes them feel uncomfortable. xx Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Ram...I feel the same way! Link to comment
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 Ram.....aww. Hugs to you! I do empathise with some of the things you said. My ex appears to have done a 360 in his feelings for me, and it's a very confusing and hurtful thing to get your head around....falling out of love with me....for reasons he can't give me! Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Thanks... much empathy back to you all! We'll survive, somehow... someday. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I know how hurt and distraught you must feel, but consider this: If you are close to someone, help them through their problems, and are their best friend, does this mean you are never allowed to leave the relationship when it no longer works for you? You are acting like he "owes" you attention. All this attitude will do is make him resent you. I have been on both sides of this fence and I have never tried to contact someone who has broken up with me. It's hard, I'll give you that, but you will look very good to your ex. They will see you as a person who respects their boundaries, not as a desperate psycho (though you are not that at all). Try it. If he is going to come back, he needs to see you as something he needs and wants, not as someone who is scary annoying. Link to comment
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 I know. I don't want him to feel that way, or that he thinks I feel he OWES me attention....it's just....he always would randomly say "Hey, I never want to not be able to talk to you.....you're so dear to me, I always want us to be friends". Thanks thejigsup. Ah.....logic!!....why haven't I been able to follow it thus far?!? Link to comment
postscript Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 He needs space. My ex acts the same way, only we're on a break and he tells me he still misses me and loves me, yet he often ignores me - and I don't let it get me down, I understand he needs space and clearly I do not need space from him because I am not particularly angry at him or hurt by him. I just have to respect the fact that he wants time away from me (I also have anxiety and depression and I'm sure that weighed him down a lot) and he wants to experience a life that doesn't revolve around me because his life did revolve around me for almost 24 months straight, and sh-t, that would have been tough!! I know I'm not the easiest girlfriend to please! Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Excellent point. Wish I'd realized this a year ago when I still had a chance. I guess he doesn't deserve it anyhow, but I feel terrible that I even continued trying to get his attention. I wonder if he resents me? Probably considering I told him I didn't like hating him... ](*,) Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Thejigsup, you say you never contacted those ex's that broke up with you. Did they ever contact you down the road and tell you they appreciated that? Did it ever bring them back? Sometimes it is just hard to let go, esp. in the OP's case where she was there for him, and when it came time for him to return the favor, he hightailed it out of there with his tail tucked between his legs. Link to comment
foreverlost Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 i have been following this forum.... and everyone is right and i am loving all of this advice. i have noticed that once you give them space they will feel threatened and give you attention.... until you give them what they want. last week it felt like my ex wanted me back... we would talk, laugh, he would call me.... then when he got what he wanted and i took advantage of it (by calling him a few times and he got irritated = me not giving him space) he backed off. now he is mad at me and wants his space all over again. ah, men.... Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 i have been following this forum.... and everyone is right and i am loving all of this advice. i have noticed that once you give them space they will feel threatened and give you attention.... until you give them what they want. last week it felt like my ex wanted me back... we would talk, laugh, he would call me.... then when he got what he wanted and i took advantage of it (by calling him a few times and he got irritated = me not giving him space) he backed off. now he is mad at me and wants his space all over again. ah, men.... Why do they do that? you give them space, they feel thretened and give you attention. You respond to the attention and they reiterate they need space. Men are confusing. Link to comment
foreverlost Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Why do they do that? you give them space, they feel thretened and give you attention. You respond to the attention and they reiterate they need space. Men are confusing. he even bought me my favourite chocolate last week. i don't understand them.... i think they realize they are getting weak or something. Link to comment
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Why do they do that? you give them space, they feel thretened and give you attention. You respond to the attention and they reiterate they need space. Men are confusing. Yeah...and women are such logical creatures. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yeah...and women are such logical creatures. And there inlies the difference: Men are logical, women are emotional. You cannot rationalize emotions -- they are irrational. I believe this is why women and men will forever be in these situations. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Also, it's human nature to want what you believe you can't have. Stupid as it sounds... we all do it. When men and women think the other will always be there, they take it for granted. Soon as that is threatened, they make sure they still have the other on a string by initiating contact, manipulating them into thinking they care, when they really don't. It's simple a case of disrespect and lack of boundaries. Link to comment
foreverlost Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Also, it's human nature to want what you believe you can't have. Stupid as it sounds... we all do it. When men and women think the other will always be there, they take it for granted. Soon as that is threatened, they make sure they still have the other on a string by initiating contact, manipulating them into thinking they care, when they really don't. It's simple a case of disrespect and lack of boundaries. god, i hate this... i should not have given in so fast! Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Yeah well.... hindsight, right? Link to comment
thejigsup Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Ren, I had the opportunity to get back with some of them, and some of them I never heard from again. Not contacting them was never about getting them back, it was about keeping my pride. I had one ex's parents call me years later and tell me the family still thought of me as the classiest girl he had ever been with. That alone made all the ones I never heard from worth it. I most generally never go back when I have broken up with someone or they, me. There was only one guy who I did go back to and he was something else! Still, when it was over for good, I moved on. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 Jig, I wish I could be like you. Cut the strings and simply move forward. It's difficult for me, but something I'm working on. How do you do it? Link to comment
foreverlost Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I wish I could do it too. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 What a wonderful post and i could not have said it better. When one says i was there for him and a great friend etc etc it seems controlling that this person might never feel they can move or fear falling out of love and having to stay tied to a relationship that for wahtever reason has passed its shelf life. I know that break ups hurt. I have been there and they are emotionally taxing and tumultuous, especially for the dumpee. But having gone thru heartache really helps us learn how to be more compassionate and learn humility in our lives and it is as necessary sometimes as loving. But we do walk a fine line when we get angry about what we gave during that relationship if one of the parties in a relationshiop needs to move on as it can be construed as controlling. We all enter and exit relationships upon free will. IF you (OP) decided that you were no longer in love with him and wanted to move on, you would feel pretty stifled if you were made to feel guilty that you were not able to move on since he did things for you in the past. Sometimes thinking of it that way helps a little. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 I wish I could do it too. You can. It is hard but you can do it by keeping yourself very preoccupied and busy during the initial separation. HANG IN THERE ladies (and gents). It can be done. And you will be stronger for it. Link to comment
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