I Have Become The "Psycho Ex"

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There's an old expression: 'If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll just keep getting what you're getting.'

 

So that's where reason has to come in, where you recognize that everything you are doing, the 'craziness' of your behavior, is not having the intended effect, not making any progress, and is in fact doing the opposite of what you know you should be doing.

 

This kind of grasping and 'psycho' behavior isn't craziness per se, but is like a toddler who has just realized Daddy has left the room... a really intense separation anxiety. but the point is that means it's your cue to recognize you are not a toddler and he is not your parent, and you will survive JUST FINE without him. Clutching and screaming and torturing yourself and telling yourself nothing but 'Daddy' will do certainly won't bring you peace or happiness nor will it bring him back because he isn't your Daddy and doesn't want to be.

 

So the way around this is to really accept that you are an adult and sometimes bad things happen, people leave, people change. It is not fun and not always fair, but it is something that happens, and regressing to toddler state won't bring him back.

 

How effective is your behavior? it just isn't. But really, it probably won't matter what you do if he's made his mind up to leave, but you keep thinking that if you just find the 'right thing' to say, it will bring him back. That is like a toddler saying, 'Mommy, i promise i'll be good if you come back, and if you never leave again.'

 

This kind of overwhelming panic after a breakup is really a reversion to that childlike wishful thinking. And you have to really remind yourself he's an adult and can and will make his own choices. He can leave for all kinds of reasons, that are his own and personal to him, so you trying to make sense of them and find the 'key' that will bring him back just won't work.

 

You have to really fight to bring yourself out of that toddler mindset and back into the adult world, and recognize that if you are wasting time doing the same thing (that isn't working), you will be getting no closer to the love and companionship you crave with someone else. He's not your daddy, and he's gone and not coming back. Really try to feel and know that, grieve his loss, and move on.

[ramsickle1369]

separation anxiety... never thought of it that way. You've pinpointed me 100%! I definitely regressed. BOY did I regress! OMG BSBH---thank you. THANK YOU for stating it that way. Gosh, now I feel even MORE pathetic! LOL... But it's something to learn from for sure!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No reason to feel pathetic. It is very normal for people to regress to an earlier stage when confronted with a trauma, and a breakup certainly qualifies as trauma.

 

The trick is to recognize it for what it is and not get stuck there. Try to channel it into positive regression rather than negative regression... get in your jammies and watch silly comedies on TV, make popcorn, pamper and love yourself and let your friends love you. Then when you've grieved and recovered from the blow, you're ready for the big world again!

[ramsickle1369]

No reason to feel pathetic. It is very normal for people to regress to an earlier stage when confronted with a trauma, and a breakup certainly qualifies as trauma.

 

The trick is to recognize it for what it is and not get stuck there. Try to channel it into positive regression rather than negative regression... get in your jammies and watch silly comedies on TV, make popcorn, pamper and love yourself and let your friends love you. Then when you've grieved and recovered from the blow, you're ready for the big world again!

 

I am most definitely stuck in this. Been over a year now and the sorrow seems to be stickin around...

 

I'm interested in this positive regression? Could you elaborate?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

By positive regression, i mean return for a while to things that really comfort you, perhaps comforted you as a child. You are feeling very lost, abandoned, overwhelmed, and stuck in that stage. Try doing positive things for yourself that give one pleasure, comfort, and a sense of security. You need to comfort yourself to stop the panic, and try to do enough familiar and positive things to snap you out of it.

 

So start trying to capture that childlike sense of wonder again... do things that please and pamper you. if nothing feels right, go through the motions anyway... distract yourself from him long enough, and thoughts of him will start to recede.

[ramsickle1369]

Thanks so much!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Ramsickle - If you haven't read this, it has some information on regression. You may find some value there. I'm working on identifying my regression triggers to help cut down on my negative reactions to certain situations.

[ramsickle1369]

Ramsickle - If you haven't read this, it has some information on regression. You may find some value there. I'm working on identifying my regression triggers to help cut down on my negative reactions to certain situations.

 

Thanks Eyes... I am actually feeling amazing because of this realization of the toddler tantrum! All that anxiety. I finally get it. Thanks for the link... i'll check it out.

[foreverlost]

toddler tantrum... i need to stop that. i tohught it was anger problems.

[JadedStar]

Separation anxiety can plague many adults as well.

 

It is good to recognize it for what it is.

 

Doesn't make it hurt less but it makes you more aware of what is going on. We have to let people go who want to move on. No matter how much it hurts.

[ramsickle1369]

toddler tantrum... i need to stop that. i tohught it was anger problems.

 

So did I! I dismissed the anger because it made me feel so guilty! Funny. And in my case, finally having something tangible does make it hurt less! And that book sounds amazing! I just ordered it and am looking for this seminar the OP talks about! THANKS EYES!

[EyesOnThePrize]

So did I! I dismissed the anger because it made me feel so guilty! Funny. And in my case, finally having something tangible does make it hurt less! And that book sounds amazing! I just ordered it and am looking for this seminar the OP talks about! THANKS EYES!

 

Yeah, I'm considering the seminar, too. The author's website is link removed, however I had problems figuring out when the seminar was being held when I went there.

[Brokenhearted87]

We all enter and exit relationships upon free will. IF you (OP) decided that you were no longer in love with him and wanted to move on, you would feel pretty stifled if you were made to feel guilty that you were not able to move on since he did things for you in the past. Sometimes thinking of it that way helps a little.

 

Hmm. That's a fair point. I feel so bad for being a biatch now!

[renaissancewoman101]

Hmm. That's a fair point. I feel so bad for being a biatch now!

 

Brokenhearted, you are NOT a biatch, just someone who was in love with a jerk and someone who is very hurt by that person's actions. You are not a bad person.

 

Breakups are such hell to deal with. I find that with breakups they bring out all the abandonment crap in me.

[Brokenhearted87]

Yeah. The more I think about it, he was the only thing "stable, together and working" in my life. My family life (I live at home still) and college life have been under strain to say the least and my friendships have become non existent. He had become my purpose in life and I can see that was NOT good....hence why when he pulled the plug on anything to do with me...I went into shock and panic mode! Totally distraught!

 

But I'm going to be strong.

[foreverlost]

Yeah. The more I think about it, he was the only thing "stable, together and working" in my life. My family life (I live at home still) and college life have been under strain to say the least and my friendships have become non existent. He had become my purpose in life and I can see that was NOT good....hence why when he pulled the plug on anything to do with me...I went into shock and panic mode! Totally distraught!

 

But I'm going to be strong.

 

my friendships became nonexistant as well. when it was over, they tried to be there for me... but it was not enough. i shut everyone off. i barely have any friends and whatever new friendships i have made don't satisfy me much. no one brings me that happiness that he gave me... and the occasional time i do see him i am so happy i don't even know what i am doing. and those hours go by so fast.

[foreverlost]

Brokenhearted, I did everything you did. And you know what? It just doesn't matter. I don't think they think we are psycho. I think at very least they know we still care, and yeah, they are probably annoyed we were still contacting them (obviously - you are blocked and my emails went deleted unread - I don't know if they were blocked, not sure how that works on email), but in the end, they simply know we still love them. And I can live with that. Be kinder on yourself, try to be strong.

 

do they eventually try contacting you once you've calmed down?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yeah. The more I think about it, he was the only thing "stable, together and working" in my life. My family life (I live at home still) and college life have been under strain to say the least and my friendships have become non existent. He had become my purpose in life and I can see that was NOT good....hence why when he pulled the plug on anything to do with me...I went into shock and panic mode! Totally distraught!

 

But I'm going to be strong.

 

BH - I don't think its always about being strong. Heck, I think in my process I've been more vulnerable than I've been in many, many years. I think its more about being resilient and knowing that I can handle the load, even if I bend under its weight sometimes. I think the strength comes in time, and I begin to move forward and realize that I don't have to carry the entire load, I can dump some of it by the side of the road, or ask others to carry it for me, or just realize I have grown.

 

Just a thought.

[Brokenhearted87]

BH - I don't think its always about being strong. Heck, I think in my process I've been more vulnerable than I've been in many, many years. I think its more about being resilient and knowing that I can handle the load, even if I bend under its weight sometimes. I think the strength comes in time, and I begin to move forward and realize that I don't have to carry the entire load, I can dump some of it by the side of the road, or ask others to carry it for me, or just realize I have grown.

 

Just a thought.

 

MissKitty....he called me a psycho lol! Think it's safe to assume he thinks it! Haha...ah well. Could have been more psycho (shock!)....I never turned up at his house (though was tempted many times) or threw a brick through his window or anything lol! :splat:

 

Thanks Eyes, that was a really nice post!

I think the break up has triggered a lot of my insecurities and issues that I have always had, but that had been forgotten about whilst I was with him. He even said this...."You're not reacting in a normal way to this....no girl I've broken up with has ever acted like this. It's crazy.It's not the biggest thing that will happen to you. I think the break up is just triggering your other issues". He said he wants me to go back to my counsellor (this when I was still being talked to by him) about my "issues".

 

Last year, before I met him, I had a mini breakdown because I was under so much stress, my parents didn't even know, until I literally broke down after months of not telling anybody how low and depressed I was. I had been carrying around so many things and in the end I couldn't cope alone. I couldn't even take my exams for college and as a result had to take the year again, they allowed me to when I got a note from my counsellor. Major bummer. Now I have them coming up again and I'm so scared I'll fail because I'm finding it so hard to focus!

 

My ex always told me that I was a much stronger person than I gave myself credit for. Even during those teary conversations on the phone post break up, he said repeatedly "I know you. You will be fine"

 

It's just hard to be strong all the time.

[Brokenhearted87]

No.....I'm letting him go. I have to really at this point. Any chance there was, I ruined with my behaviour. I have to accept that and learn from my mistake. I would like to think in the future he will come around, but it is up to him. He knows how I feel about him at the end of the day!

 

I don't have a problem with saying I see a counsellor now. If people gosisp about that behind my back, that's their problem. I have a lot of stress in my life and I need help with it. Well, I'm going back to my counsellor soon I mean. But I found, once I told a couple of friends (not shouting it from the rooftops or anything), more people than you would think are having trouble dealing with things. A friend became closer to me when I confided in her what happened last year (only about 3 people know, including my ex), and it turned out that the real reason she dropped her course at uni was because she herself was having real problems with being happy and motivated. I was so shocked that the people I told didn't bat an eyelid! They just said "good, I think that's great" and two of them turned out to be seeing them also!

[AngryHeart]

I understand how you feel, but the things you're doing are actually very common. I mean just look around this site But not long after my ex broke up, he called me a "bunny boiler" thing is before that I had been in NC for like 3-4 weeks, so can't see how I was a bunny boiler. Maybe your ex was saying you're a psycho, because he was mad at you for something? I think that's what my ex done...it's like he's bitter. But please stop beating yourself up!! Let him think whatever he wants. But I can assure you he probably thinks more good than bad, since you seemed to be so sweet towards him. Remember that exes are people too and they might not always say what tehy really think/feel/mean...people say things that at the time feels right to them. But the most important thing of course is YOU. I know how you're feeling, and I'm not going to tell you to "move on" either. Just try to look after yourself, and not put too much importance on what he says to you. I know I know it is hard, but try. You're no psycho, and if you are - there are A LOT of us about Hang in there, hun.

[foreverlost]

i also started seeing a counselor. it was a bit helpful... but my counselor suddenly stopped sessions with me, so i am not even bothering going back.

[Brokenhearted87]

Thanks angryheart. Well, he always said during the break up that there was nothing about me or I had done to make him think anything other than fondly about me always, and that I was the sweetest girl he had ever been with. However, then I did all the persistent contact and irrational things. And so he cut me off. He said I was a psycho when he was angry...in a few months down the line when I have been out of contact with him for a good length of time, I hope his bad feeling toward me will be erased. But I doubt it. Because I unfortunately can't erase the last month.....boy if I could go back I would have just gone NC right away!!!! Things would have been so different to how they stand now! Next time ey!?! Oishka!

[Brokenhearted87]

i also started seeing a counselor. it was a bit helpful... but my counselor suddenly stopped sessions with me, so i am not even bothering going back.

 

Would you consider pursuing another one? I will probably go to a different person now.

[TAB1234]

Brokenheart, don't be too hard on yourself. When matters of the heart are involved all logic goes out the window and of course you wish that you'd gone NC from the beginning but you are who you are. if you'd gone NC and your ex didnt come back you might have said 'if only i called him etc...' so you can't win either way. however going forward you definitely need to go NC and 'find yourself/be your own person' and not have your happiness be dependent on the actions of another person. Only you can make you happy.

 

if you see my 'harassment' thread in the 'breaking up' section -my ex has made me out to be a psycho ex as well but just tell yourself that your intentions were sincere and that you only did it 'cos they wouldnt communicate with you and you were left with no alternative. There comes a point where you think enough is enough and you just have to now look forward and not back!! Good luck