Texas Girl Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Ok, here's the scenario: I met this guy at the park in early February. We hit it off immediately and started dating. He didn't tell me until the second date that he is in the middle of a divorce because he wife cheated on him for 4 other men. I tried to be patient (NOT my strong suit) and understanding but we were only seeing each other every 1-2 weeks. He would text me everyday though. Two weeks ago we got together and everything seemed fine. I went on vacation for a week and didn't hear from him. And then after that, nothing. No texting, no calls. I've tried texting him but no response. Why couldn't he be honest and say it's not working or something? I'm the type that always thinks it's my fault, like I must have done something wrong, etc. plus I have abandonment issues from my childhood so I'm kind of upset about this, I really liked him! This is the first guy I've felt anything for after my disasterous breakup of one year ago. I guess my basic question is what are some of the reasons guys just stop calling? Also, any advice on moving on and getting back out there? My ego is kind of bruised right now. He was great for my ego because he's 30 and I'm 46! Link to comment
shes2smart Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Well...the first thing I'm wondering here is: Is someone who is in the middle of a divorce -- particularly when it's come about because their spouse was cheating -- really a good candidate for a healthy relationship at this particular point in time? Some people in that situation might be good to go. Some (perhaps even "most") wouldn't be. I'm the type that always thinks it's my fault, like I must have done something wrong, etc. plus I have abandonment issues from my childhood so I'm kind of upset about this, I really liked him! This is the first guy I've felt anything for after my disasterous breakup of one year ago. ^^^It also sounds to me like you have some work to do on yourself in order to get yourself into the best position possible to be someone who would make a healthy partner. No shame in that. Most folks do. It's kind of an on-going, lifelong work-in-progress thing. Not so much about getting to "perfectly healthy" as inching towards it -- Progress, Not Perfection. What have you done to heal from the mentioned "disastrous break-up"? Have you healed from that? (No need to answer, just some things to ponder) Dating is difficult no matter what your age. It requires a thick skin and a pretty strong sense of your own worth/self-esteem before you even start....otherwise you will get run over, run down, and torn up. As to why he's not calling...could be any one of a number of reasons...and none of them have anything whatsoever to do with you. It was a sad, sad day when I realized that when people did or didn't do things, the overwhelming majority of the time, their (in)action had absolutely nothing to do with me and nearly everything to do with them -- their needs/wants/fears/desires. And since they were operating with an agenda that was mostly (if not completely) about them, they really didn't feel obligated to give little ol' me any kind of explanation for their (in)actions. But realizing that for them, it was ALL about them, also made it much easier to not take things personally. A guy not calling after what seemed to be a series of pleasant interactions was no longer a personal insult. It was, "Ok...he's flaking out. Whatever. NEXT!" Link to comment
d1211 Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 ^^i agree. hey by the way im from houston too hehe Link to comment
Texas Girl Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 Thanks for the kind words! Now I remember why I loved this site! Yes, I knew it was risky going into it with the divorce thing. But it had been so long since I guy literally stopped in his tracks, turned around and followed me while I was exercising and struck up a conversation! Plus he was really cute! I truly believe God brought this person to me for a reason - so that I could learn, learn, learn! I have been in therapy for the past year and believe it or not, have gotten lots better. This guy was so totally different from anyone I have ever been with and that's where some of the attraction came from. I usually go for the badboy hottie type who has emotional issues. This guy was totally the opposite - quiet, bookish type, great job, was very affectionate, treated me like a princess when out on dates, etc. So I know I've come a long way in the past year... I have the bad habit of putting myself down alot and am really trying to work on that. Intellectually I know that the breakup was probably because of HIS issues, but emotionally it's a different story... Link to comment
barelyalive Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 He may have been all those wonderful things you described, but he was also essentially unavailable. And men like that are attractive, on a deep emotional level, to people like me and you because they will ultimately, again, leave us feeling abandoned and to blame. I am learning this too, but truly, his disappearance has NOTHING to do with you as a unique and wonderful human being. You stopped this guy in his tracks, and even in his unhealthy, emotionally unavailable state, he could still recognise something worthwhile in you. Just think of how much MORE someone will be able to cherish and adore you one in a healthy, open-minded, healed place. It takes years to get out of the cycle of attraction to people who activate the issues we need to work on in ourselves. Magically, we seem to draw them in, even if we are woking hard at getting stronger within ourselves. Part of our healing is letting the flame of desire quickly die out when we get the red flag from men that may appear wonderful, but who are really dealing with their OWN issues... Link to comment
barelyalive Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 By the way, in my 20's I got caught up in a conenction with a man who was in the process of divorce. After three months of feeling like I was "in love" with him, he dumped me and quickly moved on to a high school girl and got her pregnant. When I saw him a year later, those feelings of infatuation I had felt for him were instantly turned to repulsion, and he was a very handsome guy. I just saw him as the pathetic twerp that he was, and I was so liberated feeling that! Link to comment
Texas Girl Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 OMG barelyalive you are so right. Everything you wrote is so true! It, too, has taken me years of struggle to break the cycle. Will it EVER get better? Sometimes I dispair of ever finding that man to adore me.. Link to comment
Litgirl01 Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Great advice!! You have really come so far in your healing! xx I agree.. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 I know it has been 20yrs since I dated but I have seen plenty of both men and women who end up acting cowardly and can't face the other person and tell them how they feel. I'm sure you would have felt a lot better if he would have just said "I am not ready to date anybody yet" Remember when it comes to women sometimes we (men) are just stupid. At times myself included. Link to comment
Texas Girl Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 Yeah, I would have! Maybe then we could have left the door open for something to happen further down the line when he gets his head straight. Now, with NC, there is no hope of that. Link to comment
OIO Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Hey TG, better to realise now what he's like than to keep on being strung along for months on end, when it's too late and you're in too deep! Link to comment
OIO Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 By the way he sounds immature to just stop calling, get out there girl and find yourself a real man! Good Luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 It is rude not to call after dating more than a month - in my opinion - but if I started dating a man in the middle of a divorce - meaning "still married" (I wouldn't but if I did) I wouldn't be too surprised if he disappeared if there was plans for a reconciliation or he was the only one that thought they were in the middle of a divorce (i.e. she considered what he was doing on the side, cheating). Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 This is typical behavior of someone separated and going thru a divorce. They date a bit to get over the pain but at any moment a reconciliation can occur when it is this soon out and most often people will just not contact the person they were seeing anymore. Most people don't like the confrontation so they just stop calling. It is very disrespectful but not surprising. Dating someone separated isn't always a failure but they are in a "high risk" category. Something my mother told me after my first divorce which was so true "like attracts like. When you are out there in the dating scene be sure to put yourself into situations where you will most likely attract healthy people and be sure you yourself are in a healthy state as well. If not, you will find yourself in one disappointing relationship after another". Link to comment
OIO Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Thanks for that JS, so true, I dated a separated man, he just suited himself and totally disrespected me, wish I'd known then what I know now! Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 This is my biggest pet peeve with men...when i was in the dating scene (can't believe i am back) and i would go out with a guy a couple times..think we had a really great time etc and then NOTHING..why couldn't they just have the balls to call and say they were not interested? did they think I would cry, stalk them, beg? It was like 3 dates...i think i will live... GRRRR so frustrating...men don't call b/c they are big babies who don't have the balls to be honest and say they aren't interested... Please excuse my rant lol Link to comment
wtm78 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 i think he is going through a tough time... and maybe he needs to be alone for a while to sort things out.. Link to comment
justbrowsing Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 i think he is going through a tough time... and maybe he needs to be alone for a while to sort things out.. Whatever his problems may be, all he is thinking about is himself! If he cared even just a little, he would tell her something-anything. But it sounds like a broken record he's too chicken and selfish to tell her. She's lucky it was just a short time. She deserves better. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 If I've only gone out with someone two or three times I think it's fine if he never calls me again. Silence =not interested. Far better than those self-serving conversations or e-mails about how "wonderful you are.....but" - I don't need someone I barely know to assess whether I am wonderful. Link to comment
LittleMadmoiselle Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 To the OP--wow, I'm going through the same thing!! Had a heartwrenching breakup about 9 months ago (with a man who was separated and just not emotionally ready for a new relationship), got back into the dating scene in January--met a GREAT guy, had a wonderful time with him and really thought I'd found a healthy guy for once...and then BOOM, just disappeared. I sent him a chiding message a few days back to which he responded immediately. I decided to give him a second chance to meet up and explain himself, and then he was a no-show. Today I texted him with "I gave you another chance, and you blew me off, so you missed out!" And now I plan to do NC. It just sucks. I really liked this guy, too. I am curious if he'll ever call me again or check up on me, because it seemed like he felt the same way the whole time...but the good part of the whole thing is that I found somebody to care for and had a great time with him--something, of course, I never thought I'd do again after I broke up with my ex 9 months ago. Hang in there... Link to comment
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