Not Sure What to Do- How to Act- confusing!!

[Hunny1607307342]

Hi everyone

basically i posted my last thread based upon the last encounter with the ex which was basically this really lovely walk/lie down on the park. Nothing happened, ie. it didnt go further than hugs and embracing, even though it felt like we were very very very close. It was surreal, and a really incredible memory.

im pretty sure he has the same opinion of that night as i do.

 

Anyway, my question is...where do i go from here?

 

He's been contacting me regularly since then, texting me a lot. And i reply accordingly.

 

But he seems too shy to make the next real move. I posted a thread before about how stubborn he is, and it's really frustrating because i am just as hesitant as he is to do anything about my feelings.

Even with regards to the walk im talking about, he had to spent about 5 texts 'hinting' that he want to come for walk, until i had to spell it out FOR him and then he was up front about it.

I dont know, i spoke to my friends about this and they said that of course he is going to be nervous and apprehensive too, so i should take initiative. But i always just had it in mind that he is the one who should be taking a much greater initiative because he's the one the broke up with me all those months ago.

 

What are your thoughts on this? I want to see him again, and i think he wants to see me too, but neither of us are doing anything about it!!

[pumpkinmoon]

Why not leave it about a week and they casually drop him a text asking if he wants to meet up and do something?

[Hunny1607307342]

thats what i was planning to do.

but then when i act cool and aloof he feels annoyed i think.

because today i didnt text him all day

and an hour ago he sent me a message saying

'So its like then then huh...i see i see..'

And this is what got me to starting this thread because i thought ok, he's actually expecting me to be really in contact with him etc.

And i was just wondering what you thought his perception of the whole situation is.

[Batya33]

I would write back

 

"I enjoyed our walk and I am enjoying texting with you but to be honest unless you see real potential for us getting back together soon, I don't want to get attached to you and I need to move on."

 

I don't think it is a shyness issue. He is ambivalent about getting back together and thereforeeee wants to keep you on the hook in case he makes a decision to get back together with you.

 

But my advice means that you have to be willing to sacrifice these shreds of ambivalent contact and skirting around the big elephant in the room to get what you really want - him back in your life. The other alternative is to get re-hooked, and re-attached based on this on again off again contact that says nothing definitive and be even more hurt if he chooses not to be with you (meaning, exclusively as your boyfriend).

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with this. I've been in this situation, and I made the mistake of NOT doing what Batya suggested. The "elephant in the room" was clearly there, and I kept trying to ignore it. Yes, he was back in my life, but NOT in the way I truly wanted and needed him to be. Basically, I gave him permission to enjoy my company, receive my adoration and affection, all the while NOT committing to an actual relationship with me. I deeply regret this, and if I had to do it over again, I would've cut to the chase and told him exactly what my expectations were and moved on if he told me he couldn't/didn't want to be with me.

[Batya33]

Yes and doing the cool/aloof thing is game playing. Rather if you put your direct expectations out there, then no games are needed - he knows exactly where you stand and that your behavior reflects taking care of yourself, not a game.

 

 

And by the way, someone being annoyed because you refuse to interact with him unless he is on the same relationship wavelength for you is no problem at all - don't presume that someone who is annoyed with you will thereforeeee not want to be with you. to the contrary, from that kind of "annoyance" often comes the motivation to put in the effort to step up to the plate. On the other hand, if you put him first and your needs second or third so you don't "annoy" him he will not respect you. disrespect will not motivate him to step up to the plate. Quite the opposite.

[Hunny1607307342]

i see what youre saying and i do think its true.

but to be honest i think if i were to send him a text like that it would come down as way too heavy and scare him off (well, to an extent). its not really a natural way of letting things develop.

im pretty sure hes intelligent enough to know i love spending time with him, and that im worth more than to be hanging on like a hook.

i could say something to him like that in person though maybe- it would seem less 'documented' and more casual.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Batya. There is an expression "crap or get off the pot". This guy has been stringing you along for so long...blowing hot and cold with you. He is not shy, he is just ambivalent and enjoys having you jump when he says jump. I am guessing that if you spell it out plain he will probably say he doesn't know what he wants or he will tell you he enjoys your friendship (with, of course, the touchy feely benefits) and nothing more. How much longer can you handle this up and down uncertainty and living in limbo land?

[Batya33]

We can agree to disagree. Being clear about your expectations is never "too hard" -- especially if he cares about you -- but * * * * * footing around it and pretending that it is because he is "shy" is being way too hard on yourself and your heart, IMO.

 

As far as his intelligence - that is irrelevant - of course he knows you want him back exclusively but by letting him be in this kind of contact with you without any clear discussion about intentions tells him very clearly that you are fine with settling for less than the real thing. Are you?

[JadedStar]

Slammin spot on advice and there is really not a lot more i can add. I was thinking the same thing. It's not so much shyness as it is ambivalence....and yes you have to be willing to sacrifice these crumbs he offers and just pullback.

 

I think many women start second guessing and thinking well he's too shy to make a move but come on...you two were together before. If he wasn't so ambivalent he would be a bit more assertive.

 

And honestly if he WAS that shy and hesitant to make any moves...what kind of life would it be with him really? What, are you prepared to be the one to orchestrate every single bit of get together from now on?

 

He isn't that shy. I'll guarantee it.

[Hunny1607307342]

No after our last encounter its not really like that.

I mean yeah he did blow hot and cold for a while over the past few months, but i think that was just merely out of confusiion.

We got so close the other night though, so im pretty sure we'll get back together somewhere down the line, because of how closer our emotional & physical contact got..but i dont want to jinx it.

Whether we do or we dont, im really content right now. When i think of him, the last memory of us being together the other night just makes everything seem really special. Even if its a book i have to close shut. I'll know i put my heart out there and i dont feel bitter about anything.

I personally am not looking to 'jump' back into anything either. its just a case of knowing how much confidence i should have. i guess i'll find out eventually though, i'll arrange to see him sometime. I'm going away on Sunday anyway- so he'd want to see me.

[Batya33]

Right. Good luck with that!

 

My advice is just the same whether you want to take things slow or fast. If he wanted you back but wanted to take things slow, believe me he would make that crystal clear to you. Instead, he's still willing to risk losing you to someone else who catches your eye by not being clear with his intentions or future intentions. Why in the world would he risk that for someone he felt such special feelings for?

 

As long as you are completely honest with yourself that right now he is ambivalent about wanting you back, and you are willing to tolerate that ambivalence by agreeing to be there for him and give him the privilege of your words, your voice, your presense (and likely, your intimacy) and you are willing to take the risk that by showing him that you don't need him to step up to the plate to get the privilege of your company that he will never see the need to commit to you -- why should he, if he gets the "milk" (of your company) for free?

 

If all that is cool with you (which it most certainly was not in the last few weeks) then absolutely, settle for what he's willing to give you right now rather than hold out for what you really want.

[Hunny1607307342]

Update! he just asked me if i would like to go to the cinema with him tonight, or go to a restuarant, or wherever i would like to go. So glad he made a concrete move finally...! I think things are stepping up. And i think one of us will probably bring up the whole 'what is this' thing, in which case i will, as youve all suggested, seek some sort of stability on our situation and make sure we make the right decision and stick to it.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yay Good luck with tonight xxx

[gee]

Hunny Good luck! Enjoy yourself and look your best! Let us know what happens.

[Hunny1607307342]

Aw thanks guys!!

I'll keep you posted.

[lady00]

Good luck!

[Mavis VDSande]

The only thing I would add is that when things/meetings end off in a positive note, don't be too hasty to "know what the deal is" or "come to a mutual understanding" so quickly. You might be in a strange limbo for a few months, it doesn't mean you're not getting anywhere or going somewhere - getting back together really takes time. Be patient, be independent and know what your personal limits are!

 

In short - there is no quick fix. They may not contact you for a week, they may contact you the next day. Just know that you are happy in your life and not sitting around waiting for them.

 

 

[orchidrose]

The only thing I would add is that when things/meetings end off in a positive note, don't be too hasty to "know what the deal is" or "come to a mutual understanding" so quickly.

 

150% agreed. This was the major problem with my ex trying to reconcile: we'd go out, have a great time, and then I'd get home and badger him about what we were and if we were back together. After this happened 3 or 4 times he got frustrated and angry, and things were never the same. Learn from my mistakes!

[jammer180]

i hope you have a great time! im so happy for you it sounds like a good thing. but maybe don't be so quick to ask him what's up. It's only the second time you've hung out and you don't want to scare him off. if he brings it up, ok, but i don't think getting in a lengthy discussion about it would be a great idea. have a wonderful time though, and please keep us posted!

[Batya33]

It might take awhile to get back together but it shouldn't take long to be clear about the intention to get back together - not the wishy washy "maybe someday" but "I want to get back together with you so let's work towards that and take things slow so that it really works this time."

[lady00]

"I want to get back together with you so let's work towards that and take things slow so that it really works this time."

 

The more I think about this, the more I wonder if saying this right now won't scare the person off whereas letting the dumper bring it up if/when they are comfortable might be a safer bet. Of course there is the risk that the other person does not want to get back together and it will just remain friendship but that risk is there regardless and i would think the other person would have to decide at some point to give up. I wonder if the dumpee pursuing the dumper in this way will be seen as pressure or as being too overwhelming even if it is phrased as taking things slowly. I don't know the answer to this and I guess it depends on the dynamics of each relationship. It may be something important to consider. It may not be. But I thought I'd throw this out there.

[Batya33]

I don't think she should bring it up because I don't think she should see him unless and until he comes to her and says what I wrote in the above post. That's what is ineffective about hanging out and hooking up with an ex who hasn't told you very clearly and directly that he wants you back - it gets confusing when it doesn't need to be at all. It's not confusing to explain your boundaries (please don't contact me until you want to get back together or work towards that and if I am still interested and available I will consider it), then keep your boundaries, and limit future contact to when the dumper wants to get back together.

[lady00]

I wonder if acting like it's the beginning of something new...where you just go on dates and see what happens may work for reconciliation too.

[Batya33]

Yes, that could be but at this stage it's important - at least to me- for the one who wants the other one back to know where she stands and what the intentions of the going on dates is. And then sure if it works better to do the baby steps of going on dates once a week, taking it slow, of course - that could be very productive --- as long as both people are on the same wavelength and it is stated very clearly. Then acting like it is the beginning of something new isn't acting, it's real.

 

The guessing games can be dangerous for a fragile heart especially since this OP gets very attached very quickly.

 

And it's unnecesarily dangerous. If "yes, I'd love to go on dates again but -- what's the purpose here -- do you want to work on getting back together?" scares him away then the beauty of that is, that's her answer -- he doesn't want to be with her because he is choosing fear, or whatever, over working things out.

 

But, as I wrote above, the far better course is not to go on dates unless the "dumper" steps up to the plate and expresses the purpose -- especially here. He knows she wants him back badly so his failure to step up to the plate is significant. and since she won't ask him, he gets the impression that she is fine with just going on dates whether or not the purpose is just to go on dates casually or to see if there should be a reconciliation.