How do you stop loving someone?

[IWOKEUP]

 

I am almost embarrased to post this.

 

It's been 4 months since my ex b/f (commitment phobic) dumped me and walked off without a second glance after 2 years of what I thought was real love.

 

He never even contacted to see how I am? nothing.

 

I can't stop crying because the pain gets unbearable at times. I know he wasn't "man" enough for me at the end but that doesn't stop me missing him.

 

Am I being a "victim" here? Why do I miss someone who treated me so despicably and without feeling and explanation? I think it's been too long to get any kind of closure from him.

 

How does one stop loving someone? Do you concentrate on the negatives? Do you get angry? Do you try to avoid thinking about that person?

 

I am petrified that I have lost trust and feel a bit duped into believing that there was a future and made myself completely vulnerable which pains me even more.

 

How long is too long to grieve? I miss what was but certainly not the way it ended and how cruel he was at the end.

 

Any suggestions?

[Beec]

No suggestions whatsoever, except I would try to dust myself off and find someone else to just go out with. I think one often finds that trying to act like you have a certain attitude may lead to actually having that attitude. If you act happy, it makes you get happy, at least much faster than without. You are grieving now, and you want to grieve over what you thought would be and is lost. It's not fun. But finding something else might help.

[avman]

Hello Iwokeup,

 

I understand you are feeling pretty low right now. It is understandable for you to have lots of questions when a relationship ends suddenly without warning.

 

You asked how does one stop loving someone? Well, there is no requirement that you have to stop loving your ex. It is perfectly ok for you to admit that you will always love him in some way and accept the fact that love remains in your heart. What you do have to grieve and understand is that he no longers feels the same about you.

 

There is no set period for grieving. It is different for every person. Some people can be over and done in a few days. Others take months or longer to heal. What you are going through is completely normal.

 

Go ahead and grieve. Cry if you need to. Let your feelings out as you accept the situation as it is. When you have grieved enough, you will cry less. The world will seem brighter to you.

 

Keep living your life. Go out with your friends. Do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself to something you've always wanted. Love yourself and be good to yourself. With time, it WILL get better.

[jcollin4]

well really he is doing you a favor by giving you no contact, it is much easier for the dumpee to get over the dumpor that way. Just remember that when you get divorced, breakup or separate the dumpor has been thinking about it for a while and has a head start on everything. Its usually a 21 day thing to break a habit and hope you have no contact in those days because if you do the pain will last as long as the dream (fairytale) will last. Trust me He is doing you a favor by not contacting you and remember, there is no good way to break up

[livelifefully]

Let me start by saying I know exactly how you feel. I thought I had found my soulmate and loved her more than life itself. However, after two years of deeply caring and building her emotions back after her break up with a previous boyfriend two years ago, she dumped me because she still could not get over her old boyfriend. She said she loved me but cannot be in love with me since she is still in love with her past boyfriend (who by the way dumped her!) Anyway, after two years, heartbroken, I gave up and asked her to stop calling me anymore. Life seems so empty right now but I am confident that this too shall pass. I know I can love someone with all my heart and that is a good thing to find out about myself. Similarly, think of all the wonderful things you are made of and are capable of. Its his loss not yours, so believe that in time you will be whole again and capable of loving someone else even more and the best part is that they could love you back just as much. I feel for you. Its not easy but let's both of us hang in there, okay?

[sisterlynch]

It is possible to gain control, you need to find someone that will help you feel confident and secure. This came from the relationship, but you don't have him to help you so you have to develop that on your own.

 

You must think about the negatives and even exaggerate those negatives in your mind when ever you think about missing him. Yeah, it has been a long time, but if you start to work through your issues, it will get better.

 

If you try not to think about it, then you may eventually forget, but the problem is that you will lose the abiltiy to love and to be vulnerable too.

 

So hate him every single day until you start to for get him naturally.

[IWOKEUP]

 

Thank you everyone for your insightful and supportive remarks.

 

I almost feel ashamed to even post to strangers...my friends and family have had enough of watching me cry.

 

Do you think this is a matter of regaining one's pride and dignity in the face of rejection? It's funny how love can make one put up with just about everything.

 

I was so shut down for years.....dating but not feeling....this time - I fell in love again. Maybe when one has numerous relationships and tolerates the demise...it get's easier?

 

I know I am not alone....songs have been written about it.

 

At the risk of sounding like a cornball, there is a song Michael McDonald once recorded and I am trying to emulate it. They lyrics are:

 

I Can Let Go Now

 

It was so right

It was so wrong

Almost at the same time

The pain and ache

A heart can take

No one really knows

But when the memories cling and take you there

Till you no longer care

You can let go now

 

It's not right for me

To cling to you

Somehow I just needed time

From what was to be

It's not like me

To hold somebody down

But I was tossed high by love

Almost never came down

Only to land

Where no love is found

And I'm no longer bound

I can let go now

 

 

Thanks for listening!

[Prince_Ali]

TO tell u the truth i was just like you cryin about my ex, thinkin about her everyday and wondering if we could get back together but to tell u the truth its not going to happen. All that love u have for your ex is just wrong!!!!!. I mean what kind of guy leaves a girl just like that (only a @$$HOLE) YOu wasting your tears for a loser wifey and u deserve better MUCH Better. ~1~

[sisterlynch]

That love takes work and commitment. you show by your actions that you have the ability to love, you just need to find the right person. Make sure to try unique directions in your search for the right person. You need to look for someone who is passionate about something that you two can share, music, art, sports, etc. This is really important during the tough times. Try a dating service maybe.

[blueyed99]

I understand exactly what you're going through. My ex fiancee and I brokeup a month or so ago; we were together for eight+ years. I loved him more than life itself but realized it wasn't going to work when I found out he was interested in someone he worked with. He didn't even have the audacity to tell me; I found out because I caught him with the loaded gun in his hand. And, at the same time, we were trying to improve our relationship - to make it stronger. We were seeing a marriage and family counselor. Ironic, isn't it?

 

First of all, your bf didnt walk off without a second glance. It just seems that way. I know because my ex told me this when we got back together the first time. He did exactly what your bf did and he told me it was just his way of dealing. It wasn't that he didnt think of me or care , it was that he needed to cut things off completely - no contact or anything - to deal with his emotions and be able to sort things out in his head.

 

Getting back to your relationship and healing: do you know what helped me? First of all .. NO CONTACT. I mean, NONE, null, ziltch.. Sounds like you've already grasped this one. Good job.

 

Second, accept the reality that its over. I mean .. over for good. The sooner you accept the fact that he's not coming back, the sooner you can begin to move on with your life and find happiness again. Stop that little voice from telling you that he's going to "come to his senses" and call you, and move on.

 

Realizing that the demise of your relationship has nothing to do with you as a person {how attractive or smart or whatever you are} nor your worth. Don't even internalize this. I swear .. this isn't about YOU. Just because someone didn't stick around doesn't mean you have to conduct an internal audit and rip yourself to shreds trying to figure out what you did wrong or whatever. I'm telling you, this isn't it. Don't even go there.

 

If you don't believe me, navigate through enotalone and check out all of the breakups that are identical to yours. Breaking up isn't easy. Nobody said it was. But remember, everyone who has ever loved and lost has felt the same way as you ar right now. And, they "all" got through it .. right? Most of them even found happiness again. Imagine that! Not to sound insensitive but life goes on. Thank goodness, huh?

 

One more thing: do things that make you feel good about yourself. You dont have to force yourself to feel good today but figure out what you enjoy doing and how you want to spend the next x months of your life. Take baths, socalize, read, do whatever but do things for you. do things that make you happy. And don't ever ever ever think about him nor what he's doing. I promise you .. it'll seem a lot more exciting and thrill-centric being cooked up in that head of yours than anything he's actually doing. TRUST ME.

 

I know you'll get through this. Let us know how you're doing, ok?

[IWOKEUP]

 

 

Thank you all for your incredible input and insight!

 

I guess, at the end of the day, when we are left without answers, closure and look back at the investment that we put into our relationships, there is a strong feeling of betrayal, outrage and deep sadness.

 

We become so incredulous that this could happen and all the memories that we have created and gone through.

 

On the flip side, there is also a matter of self-esteem, dignity and self-worth. If someone doesn't find our worth appealing, that is their choice but I guess we mustn't allow them to rob of us of all our goodness and strengths.

 

For me, to love is to wear your heart on your sleeve...to be vulnerable and giving. If someone else can't or won't go there, that is their choice. Does that make me stupid? hmmm.....I am of two minds on this.

 

On the one hand, to love freely makes you human, giving , alive. Others can argue that love has to be earned up front before you give anything for self-protection.

 

What is your opinion?

[Cid]

Does that make me stupid?

no it dose not.

On the one hand, to love freely makes you human, giving , alive. Others can argue that love has to be earned up front before you give anything for self-protection.

 

What is your opinion?

Well I have to say it is alittle bit of both loving freely is nice but so is self-protection you just need to find a comfertble medum.