Separated still means married !

[WoundedHeart]

What part of separated still means married does people not comprehend? Get your affairs settled before you start dating again ,is all I have to say. It sucks when you are dating someone and start getting invested in the relationship, only to have them drop the " Oh I thought I told you I was separated .It said so on my profile ." bombshell . My reply was ' UMMM no it didn't ,because if it did, you would of gotten my standard email which always saids " Separated still means married ,sorry not interested .Have a nice day ."Besides I had my email set in a way that blocks those who is married /separated from contacting me . We even discussed this in detail because my first question to him, since he didn't have a picture on his profile was " Are you married ? I found most who doesn't post a picture it means they are married ." and he replied " Well I'm not " Well now the issue is that he is not only indeed married ,but he also lied about it ,which is also a big issue to me . It will throw anything in the future that he tells me into question ,and I refuse to live like that.

I know he isn't residing with his wife ,because I have been to his house for dinner .Since I am the nosy sort , I scoped out the situation ,looking for the usual signs of a wife and found none. I even went as far as doing a county search for his divorce and didn't find it, but then again I was told it was recent ,so it may not of had time to show up . From experience I know it takes anywhere from 1-2 yrs for a divorce to show up on the county clerk of court sites . I have been divorced for 4 yrs and mine still doesn't show up in searches but I am more then willing to show my papers .

It's a moral thing for me , I have a very definate set of morals and I live my life a certain way . A part of me wants to give him a second chance and go from here ,but another part of me ,believes if he could lie to me once, he would lie to me again . I did tell him last night " I have always been very up front with you and honest and I expect the same from those I am involved with . Don't lie to me again . " He said " I won't." Any suggestions?

[Ash]

I would have thought that the existence of a separation agreement signed by both parties would be sure indicator that the marriage only exists as a piece of paper not yet undone by a divorce. Having been through this myself, and seen many others who have I'd have to say the separation agreement is the big milestone. In response to the marriage question, I would have thought it was reasonable for somebody to say that they are separated with a signed agreement. As you elude to though, separated without an agreement is perhaps too close to married for some people to date.

[Batya33]

I never agreed to meet someone through on line who lied about age, marital status, or educational status (or any other basic fact similar to that). I didn't date separated (still married!) men, but I also didn't date liars. I was careful about getting upset if someone lied to me because these people are strangers, saw my photo and I didn't really need to be making "enemies." Often I just didn't respond to the e-mail in which they 'confessed" or just said I didn't date men who were still married but I tried not to show anger.

 

 

To me separation is a transition from living together as married, but when it came to dating I did not want to date someone who was still legally married because I was looking for a serious relationship. I would date someone whose divorce was final for a year or so. I wouldn't criticize someone who decided to date while separated or date someone separated but if asked for my input I would generally advise against it. That's just me.

[Godless_Heathen]

Any suggestions?

Yeah. Stop being so rigid on this issue.

 

With some people, separated is married, and with others, it just means they're still going through the courts. When my then-wife moved out in '93 so she could move in with her new boyfriend, I no longer had a marriage. It took another year before the state of Colorado agreed.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is two separate things.

 

Some people just don't see themselves as married once they move out and are separated. They see it as a technicality and that they are available for dating. So depending on how he views it, he may have felt he was honest because he is separated, not married and living with a spouse. They just don't want to wait a full year or two to date til the paperwork comes thru.

 

But on the otherhand, something like a third of all online profiles are men who are lying about being single when they are not. They may borrow a buddy's apt. to date in, or just always go to the woman's house, or date the woman when they are in another town for business. These men aren't even separated, but are pretending to be to get sex on the side.

 

Some separated men do live separately, but are still dating the wife and 'working on it' while also dating other women. They are not honest with their spouse or the other people they date becuase they are trying to see more than one person at the same time.

 

So ideally, it is best to only date someone who is already legally divorced and not separated. But that is no guarantee the person isn't a liar or doesn't have other problems, but at least they are not married or still entangled with their former spouse.

 

I don't have trouble personally with people dating who are genuinely separated and intending to divorce, but you have to be a little bit cautious in case they might reconcile with their spouse or you get sucked into the trouble of a nasty divorce.

[WoundedHeart]

I would have thought that the existence of a separation agreement signed by both parties would be sure indicator that the marriage only exists as a piece of paper not yet undone by a divorce. Having been through this myself, and seen many others who have I'd have to say the separation agreement is the big milestone. In response to the marriage question, I would have thought it was reasonable for somebody to say that they are separated with a signed agreement. As you elude to though, separated without an agreement is perhaps too close to married for some people to date.

 

There is no separation agreement although they have been living apart for more then 2 yrs now .

[Godless_Heathen]

2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it. I know I wanted it over with ASAP, rather than let it linger. I understand some people let non-marriages linger for 10+ years without finalizing the legal paperwork, but I think people who do that aren't interested in a real relationship again.

[WoundedHeart]

We have been dating for about a month now . We met in person within a few days of contact and this all just came out last night over the phone . I have been to his house twice ,and he happens to live with his mother because he is helping her out because of illness .He has been to my house as well and has even stayed a couple of nights with me so I know they are no longer residing together .

If he would of stated right off the bat he was separated , I would of never of went any further then sending my standard " Thanks but no thanks " email in response . This whole thing has me pissed off . Good thing I have a therapy appointment today .

[Batya33]

In your situation the lie would be a major red flag for me because it is a basic fact, a legal status, it's something you fill in on an online profile. You can't be a "little married" or "a little separated" or "a little divorced" - you either are or you are not.

 

It sounds like he is a married man living apart from his wife, as far as you know, that is. If he felt comfortable lying about his marital status I would assume he'd feel comfortable lying about other important matters.

 

Good luck with your appointment today and I hope it brings you clarity.

[WoundedHeart]

2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it. I know I wanted it over with ASAP, rather than let it linger. I understand some people let non-marriages linger for 10+ years without finalizing the legal paperwork, but I think people who do that aren't interested in a real relationship again.

 

He told me it is due to finances as to why they arent divorced yet. I informed him that when I got my dissolution , I typed up the paperwork ,filed it myself and paid a filling fee, because my ex husband and I was in agreement about everything . I only had to pay a 200.00 filing fee and once the dissolution was final ,I received back a check for 70.00 so my dissolution only cost 130.00. He said they are in agreement on everything except for who is going to be responsible for the foreclousure .

My biggest issue is with the fact he lied about it . He flat out told me he wasn't married but a month later I find out he is .

[Godless_Heathen]

He may not have been lying to you. After 2 years, he probably no longer thinks of himself as married.

[melrich]

2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it.

 

It's not really. In many jurisdictions (including mine) you have to be separated for a year before you can even file for divorce. You cannot get the divorce finalised until financial and custody settlements are complete. 2 years from start to finish would actually be quite quick.

 

It is unreasonable to expect people to put their life on hold in terms of dating whilst formalising things.

 

Equally, if they are lying to you about where they are at then you have every right to close them down.

[Ash]

As Melrich says, the time frame for all the legalities etc. can be quite long.

 

Don't forger also that just because a person is single doesn't mean he or she is any more "faithful". In other words, a single person can (and I'm sure some do) be dating more than one person at a time. There's nothing saying a single person is more honest than a separated person. Single folks can lie too!

[annie24]

if you are looking for a serious relationship, i wouldn't look towards a man who is separated, but not divorced, or even someone who hasn't been divorced for at least a year. imho, most people who just got divorced, or are in the process of divorcing, aren't really looking to jump right into another serious relationship. i think most are just looking to date, enjoy their newfound 'freedom' and aren't anxious to start planning another wedding and pick the church and the cake and all that, when they aren't even legally divorced from wife #1. i think the same goes for people who just got out of long term relationship. i just wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone where all those emotions were still fresh, even if the wife left him to move in with her new bf.

 

and as the others pointed out, there is a difference between separated, but living apart and just waiting the mandatory state time to divorce, and between being separated, but still 'dating' the wife. blah. i wouldn't date the separated or newly divorced guy either if i were looking for a serious relationship. my 2 cents.

[Ash]

Counterpoint to that. If somebody is coming out of a 10 year or longer marriage, that seems he or she is more used to a long term, stable relationship than somebody who has been dating and potentially had a dozen or more different girlfriends in the same time period. Marriages break down for many reasons and very often at least one of the partners liked and wants stability.

[annie24]

that is a good point - it's best to take these things case by case basis. and if you feel uncomfortable and feel that they misrepresented themself, then leave.

[Excalibur]

Alot of people are separated for a long period of time - in order to facilitate parenting and financial matters.

 

I know people that are separated for 10+ years......raising children together, while working together ot make sure when divorce is final - that both will be financially secure.

 

If these people waited to 'date" until they were available to be in a committed relationship - they'd be losing out on many different aspects of life.

 

Dating is NOT about finding a relationship partner. Dating is about fun, sex, conversation, shared events, etc.....

[Godless_Heathen]

Dating is NOT about finding a relationship partner.

So what is it that those of us who ARE looking for a relationship partner are doing? Un-Dating?

[Excalibur]

No, I only meant that the reason for dating is not to find a life partner or committed relationship. And of course, not everybody defines those things the same anyway.

 

 

Dating is about enjoyment of the moment...some people are enjoying the moment hoping to find someone they spend the rest of thier moments with.

 

Other people are dating to enjoy events, conversations, trips, and experiences, etc. "with someoen besides themselves". In short - they'd be going where they're going with a date - on thier own...if they didn't have a date. Just having a date is more fun...than going alone, at least in some instances or situations.

 

I think that is part of the miscommunication between men and women. Men know that dating is about enjoying themselves in someone else's company. But they're not any less loving being who they are, or doing what they do - whether they have a date or not.

 

Women tend to believe it's about enjoying somoeone's company trying to make something more interesting of thier own lives. That's the miscommunication sets in.

[kuiks8]

Any suggestions?

 

As someone going through a separation my husband and i are going to stay in the separation phase indefinitely b/c he has really great benefits and I can remain on them as long as we are just separated...People have different reasons and different agreements for why they do things. For many separation is no different then divorce without the paperwork.

[Excalibur]

Staying separated while retaining options and benefits of the marriage such as insurance or shared expeenses is an EXCELLENT idea for however many years it takes to getyour life on track so that you're osmeone you admire and trust, respect and accept the responsibliity of and to.

 

Being married but separated - allows you independence, without the option to make another commmitment that you'll want out of at some point when it doesn't suit your agenda and goals.

[Batya33]

As someone going through a separation my husband and i are going to stay in the separation phase indefinitely b/c he has really great benefits and I can remain on them as long as we are just separated...People have different reasons and different agreements for why they do things. For many separation is no different then divorce without the paperwork.

 

Yes, and to me when someone prioritizes staying legally married for whatever reason - financial, emotional, both, whatever, the impression they give me is that they are prioritizing that over finding someone to commit to in marriage because whether it's technical or not, being legally married means you can't remarry. Just like getting married is usually more than a piece of paper to most people, what I have seen with my divorced friends is that the decree doesn't only make a legal difference but also has other effects - often surprising to them, but effects just the same.

 

Obviously there are exceptions, but when I was looking to date I didn't see the point in dating someone who was still married since I was looking for a potentially serious commitment. If the person prioritized marrying again, the person would make the decision and take the steps to be legally divorced at the point in time when the benefits of being divorced outweighed the benefits of being married

 

(and yes I understand the real financial difficulties certain people go through in getting divorced and while I would sympathize I wouldn't choose to date a person in that difficult situation - relationships are hard enough).

[annie24]

yes, i agree 100%. even if it is for financial reasons or wanting to get cheap insurance, i think that staying married, even on paper, blocks your chances of finding love again, in a sort of new-agey, psychic sense. you're not fully capable of committing to someone else, there is something in the way. i certainly know i would seriously hesitate dating a man, even if he were only legally married because his wife has good health insurance. it would just make me feel like he is not ready to move on.

[Batya33]

One of the liars I encountered on an on line site claimed to be divorced then told me on the phone he was staying legally married for the insurance. Next.

[JadedStar]

It's been a month. If you are not okay with his separated status move on. Not sure what we can tell you.